Reports have Jamie Lynn Spears, famous teen mom and sister of Brittney Spears, releasing a debut country album soon. I’m sure that Jamie Lynn Spears is a very sweet girl, and by all accounts she is blessed with remarkably white teeth and excellent skin. But the simple realities of running a website like Saving Country Music is that you can’t listen to every single piece of recorded music released in the greater country music pantheon. You have to be selective. So I’ve assembled a list of the things I’d rather hear than Jamie Lynn Spears’ debut country album.
- My parents having sex.
- My genitals being pureed in a blender.
- “I’m referring you to a specialist. A proctologist.”
- The cracking sound of my own bone breaking.
- “The DNA test confirms you’re the father.”
- “According to our compression test, you have a blown head gasket.”
- The smacking sound of peanut butter making the tongue of a 330-pound man sitting next to me on a city bus stick to the roof of his mouth.
- “You’ll have to go in person to the Department of Motor Vehicle for that.”
- A sumo wrestler passing a knife.
- A baby’s cry broadcast through a megaphone.
- “Your arraignment will be next Tuesday.”
- Anything produced by Max Martin.
- My laptop being crushed by a car tire.
- “Achy Breaky Heart.”
- “We will have to wait on the tarmac for two more hours before we are cleared for takeoff.”
- The distinct thud sound of a door not closing properly because your finger was in the jamb.
- “Next up on 98.1 we have the newest from Luke Bryan!”
- Chris Brown explaining why he’s actually the victim.
- Florida Georgia Line without Auto-tune.
- My girlfriend struggling with violent diarrhea.
- A puppy being stepped on.
- “It’s Cancer.”
But except for that, I look forward to receiving my copy and being the model of objectivity in my coverage of Jamie Lynn Spears’ forthcoming country album.
….actually strike that “Acky Breaky Heart” one. I think I’d rather take my chances with Ms. Nickelodeon.
Welcome to country music Jamie!