ACM’s Present a Sausage Fest for 2015 New Artist Award

acm-awards-logoThe increasingly irrelevant Academy of Country Music Awards, or ACM’s, released their annual earache of ignoble pseudo-country performers known as the semi-final “New Artist” nominees this Monday, that spellbind any beholder with an even elementary understanding of the definitions of “New” and “Artist” as to how such names were populated. And lo and behold, there’s not one candidate among them that isn’t sporting a male appendage. And when you count Dan + Shay, that makes seven of them scrunched into skinny jeans.

Now I’m not one of these hoity toity swinging Richards who wants to enact some form of affirmative action in the country music awards industry. Caring that much would afford these ACM distinctions more value than they’re worth. But for all things holy, with all the talk of how females are continuously getting figuratively screwed in country music these days, you couldn’t come up with at least one woman, or at least one artist people with even a modicum of taste could get excited about, that could eventually be beaten out by Luke Bryan’s former merch guy, a former Survivor contestant, or a guy who plays EDM, because of backroom kinky sex vote swapping amongst labels?

The ACM’s “New Artist of the Year” nominees read like a lineup of who is trying to screw country music more at the moment, and who has the most lucrative hair product endorsements, aside from Cole Swindell who doesn’t have any hair. Yeah yeah, Brett Eldredge and Kip Moore may have a decent song or two, but hell, Kip Moore is 34-years-old and had a #1 Platinum hit with “Somethin’ Bout A Truck” some four years ago now, and Elgredge’s “Don’t Ya” was a Platinum hit in 2012. How exactly are these guys “new”?

Why don’t you put some artists who’ve really made waves in 2014 on the list, like Sturgill Simpson, whose album Metamodern Sounds in Country Music released way back in May is currently beating out every other candidate’s album on the Billboard charts except the country swindler Sam Hunt’s EDM monstrosity. That’s right, Sturg is besting Cole Swindell, Chase Rice, all of them. Or why not give some love to Maddie & Tae who’ve been making historic waves on the charts this year? How about Brandy Clark? And why are we nominating four folks in Tyler Farr, Brett Eldredge, Kip Moore, and Thomas Rhett who were nominated last year? Come on people, give some other performers a chance.

To determine the winner, the ACM’s have announced they’ll take into consideration a formula that combines both length and girth…I mean, fan voting to be then unceremoniously brushed aside by PricwaterhouseCoopers and replaced with whomever the good ol’ boy oligarchy decides is best for their bottom lines.  At least this year the ACM’s are actually adhering to their own self-appointed rules unlike last year when they nominated Justin Moore who was clearly ineligible, and then to make matters even more sinister, eventually won. What a mockery of the intelligence the ACM’s display with their “New Artist” award.

Sorry ACM’s, but this is one list you could have kept in your pants.

ACM’s “New Artist” semi-finalists:

Brett Eldredge
Tyler Farr
Sam Hunt
Kip Moore
Thomas Rhett
Chase Rice
Cole Swindell
Dan + Shay