Nov
5

Disney to Buy Country Music for $10.5 Billion

November 5, 2012 - By Trigger  //  News  //  14 Comments

Pending approval by federal regulators, the Disney Corporation has secured a deal to buy country music for $10.5 billion dollars. The deal apparently would include all of country music’s major labels and their rosters of artists, institutions like the Country Music Hall of Fame and The Grand Ole Opry, award shows like the CMA Awards and the ACM Awards, and the naming rights to the now defunct restaurant chain “Kenny Rogers Roasters.”

“This is just the latest step in our efforts to completely monopolize every element of American culture by buying it out from under the people who created it and then selling it back to them in the form of programming on our vast media empire and on special-edition Bul-ray DVDs,” says Disney spokesman Phil Frankenfurter. “We look forward to activating synergies between these two landmark American institutions, and doing what we can to make America one big homogenous culture, free of any regionalism and diversity from anything not presented to them by mainstream corporate media.”

Disney, who already owned ABC, ESPN, as well as studios and radio stations all across the country, and 14 different theme parks all around the world, announced just last week they were buying the complete Star Wars franchise from George Lucas for $4 billion. They’re calling the acquisition of country music the “final puzzle piece in creating an American mono-culture.”

Country music, an institution the has been around for roughly 70 years, became popular throughout America in the 50′s through the radio program “The Grand Ole Opry” broadcast on WSM-AM out of Nashville.

“For years, country music has been an attractive acquisition for Disney, but the timing was not right,” continues Disney spokesman Phil Frankenfurter. “From the 80′s, even into the 90′s, country’s listenership dwelled mostly in older Americans who did not fit comfortably into Disney’s demographic landscape. But in the last decade, especially the last couple of years, with country getting much younger, the timing seemed right to make this partnership. Nobody can deny that right now the hottest thing in country is Taylor Swift. And who listens to Taylor Swift? Adolescent and teenage girls; the exact people who are at the core of Disney consumers.”

Though Disney is being hush about most of its plans for country music, some of the first changes consumers can expect to see are the appearance of the well-recognized Mickey Mouse ears being added on the marquees of certain country music landmarks like The Ryman Auditorium. Disney is also developing a “Country Music Princess” franchise, swapping Cinderella, Snow White, and Ariel for Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, and Miranda Lambert.

“I love having Disney raise my kids,” says housewife Angela Barnum of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. “With great role models like Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and Brittney Spears coming from Disney’s roster, I love the free time and piece-of-mind Disney gives me from having to raise my kids myself.”

Kenny Rogers, who was recovering from his latest plastic surgery procedure, could not be reached for comment.

14 Comments to “Disney to Buy Country Music for $10.5 Billion”

  • Hardy har har. It would not surprise me at all since Disney owns ESPN AND ABC.

       1 likes

  • Thanks for the laugh. I almost fell for it.

       2 likes

  • That just scared the $h*# out of me. I’ve been joking a/b Disney(tm)-owned corporate nashville for awhile now. Thought my worst fears just came true. Scary part is it COULD happen. Funny article.

       3 likes

  • Interesting how political values seep into this article.

    “This is just the latest step in our efforts to completely monopolize every element of American culture by buying it out from under the people who created it and then selling it back to them in the form of programming on our vast media empire”

    This joke seems to be coming from an economically liberal/populist point of view.

    ““I love having Disney raise my kids,” says housewife Angela Barnum of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. “With great role models like Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and Brittney Spears coming from Disney’s roster, I love the free time and piece-of-mind Disney gives me from having to raise my kids myself.””

    This joke seems to be coming from a socially conservative, old-fashioned point of view.

    So I suppose that this article shows that your political views are economically liberal but socially conservative?

       0 likes

    • I have no idea what the political views are of Phil Frankenfurter or housewife Angela Barnum of Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

         4 likes

      • You should try out for a job in Stephen Colbert’s writing team. You would be a perfect fit there!

           0 likes

  • That’s some good comedy, but this scenario just seems so depressingly plausible.

    “…[G]reat role models like Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and Brittney Spears…”

    Heehee! :D

       0 likes

  • “”And who listens to Taylor Swift? Adolescent and teenage girls; the exact people who are at the core of Disney consumers.”” Triggerman, are you really a teenage girl? That would explain alot.

       1 likes

  • wait,so is Kenny Rogers not hip? i mean he definately made some schmaltzy songs and then you got the whole plastic surgey debacle,but still…The Gambler dude!
    …also,the minute i read the headline i knew there was a Frankenfurter involved. those people are destroying country music from the inside. i wouldnt be the least bit surprised if Mike Curb and Scott Borchetta had bloodlines to those hunyucks somehow.

       1 likes

  • In the words of Kinky Friedman “Why the hell not?”

    Seriously, except for a few years under Eisner, Disney has been run better and put out more genuine art than all the current major country record labels combined.

    It might not be such a bad thing.

    Just sayin’.

       0 likes

  • Disney does indeed have what they call “Gay Day” … so I reckon their purchase would be a good thing for the likes of all those pop singing tweety birds on “country” radio.

       1 likes

  • As a Star Wars fan, I simply hope that the sequel trilogy revolves around George Lucas’s vision of the films and not the vision of the Expanded Universe, or to better explain it to non-Star wars fans, the vision of the books, comics, and video-games set after Return of the Jedi. Seriously, who would want to see the Emperor reborn as a clone and Luke turned to the dark side? If that’s the plot of Episode 7, I won’t even show up at the theatre.

       0 likes

  • Considering the overall quality of today’s Top 40 AirHead Country Music establishment, I think Disney paid way too much….

       1 likes

  • A mouse drining whiskey……now that’s comedy!!!!

       0 likes

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