EXCLUSIVE: Blake Shelton’s Reason(s) For Not Hosting the ACM’s Revealed

blake-shelton

On Tuesday (12-15) it was officially revealed that Blake Shelton would no longer be co-hosting the ACM Awards with Luke Bryan. The ACM’s are scheduled to occur again next in April of 2016. It’s a position Shelton has held for many years. Blake will be replaced by the pilot of the drunken skies, Dierks Bentley. But the decision has left many wondering why Blake would pull out of such a prominent position, especially since he usually loves television face time.

Well as you all may know, Saving Country Music has moles buried deep throughout the mainstream country music industry, and has exclusively obtained the note Blake Shelton sent to the ACM executives explaining why he chose to vacate the hosting spot, and may be absent from the awards in 2016. It’s not one reason, it’s a “host” of reasons; ten of them to be exact. Below you can find the note obtained by Saving Country Music, and scheduled to be on prominent display in a future Country Music Hall of Fame exhibit on the singer.

The contents are quite shocking.

blake-shelton-acm-letter

For those that can read Shelton’s chicken scratch:

1. Too busy banging that girl from No Doubt.

2. My enormous ego won’t fit in the overhead compartment for the plane ride to Vegas.

3. I couldn’t figure out a way to use the opportunity to take a public stab at Miranda like at the CMA’s.

4. Scheduling conflict. I have an appointment to have my enormous, painful, and extremely contagious mouth sores surgically addressed.

5. I heard some old farts who only want to listen to grandpa’s music will be there, and I don’t want to hang out with those jackasses.

6. The co-host is Luke Bryan. I mean, come on.

7. Don’t want to be publicly upstaged by Chris Stapleton again.

8. Raging hemorrhoids.

9. Afraid if I spend too much time on stage, people will realize I’m a middling talent with mild record sales who’s leveraged his position on a reality singing show to fool everyone into thinking I’m a top-level country franchise.

10. Like most everyone else, I know the ACM’s are a rigged, horse-traded, block-voted sham, so why bother?

. . . bitch