Florida-Georgia Line’s ‘Get Your Shine On’ (Pictorial Rant)

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I bet you never though you’d see a member of a double platinum-selling “country” band getting humped by a Mexican midget wrestler on the beach like a poodle going to town on a human leg, did you? But you probably never thought Big Machine Record’s Florida-Georgia Line would ever rise above being stars of the cruise ship cover band circuit where they belong. These dudes are the proverbial sand in the country music Vaseline.

In direct violation of every single rule of country music and the State Department’s South American travel warning, Florida-Georgia line flies down to fake Mexico to participate in a music video that becomes one of the most “WHAT THE HELL?!?!” moments in country music history. This music video is only a couple of quaaludes away from a tasteless Girls Gone Wild installment. Or, a Boys Gone Wild installment for that matter. Because as Pretty Boy and Capt. Douche Rocket from Florida-Georgia Line hook up with a couple of girls looking for anything capable of an erection, their band hooks up with a couple of midget Mexican wrestlers who proceed to dry hump them on the beach.

No, I’m not kidding. Even Scott Borchetta thinks this shit is weird.

But before we go any further, I have to pat myself on the back for a victory, and give Florida- Georgia Line a little credit. Remember this from the last Florida-Georgia rant?

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Well that’s right, I finally got these bastards to plug in their stupid guitars as they fake play them. If I never accomplish anything else through this dumb website, at least I will have done that.

What I am most awe struck about is how inanely similar the “Get Your Shine On” song and video are to Florida-Georgia Line’s last single “Cruise.” The song structure is very similar, the tone on the guitar and the vocal range sounds exactly the same, and even the video follows nearly the same dumb storyline just in a different setting, relying on hot women to make up for a lack of substance. This is Xerox country.

The lyrics in this song read like ad copy from GQ. “Silverado, candy painted. Ray Ban’s got the whole world shaded.” It’s the same lyrical obsession with physical artifacts that is the venereal disease of today’s male-dominated mainstream country, but what else could you expect from a band that has songs titled, “It’z Just What We Do” and “Dayum, Baby.”

And in everything I’ve seen from these turds, the long-haired Tyler Hubbard is doing all the work. So what exactly is the point of the other one, Brian Kelley? Is he supposed to just stand there and look pretty? Or is he there at all times just in case Tyler Hubbard needs his hair held back as he vomits his designer drugs into a toilet? The only reason this is a “duo” is the same reason there’s all these redundantly-fronted “groups” in country music these days like Lady Antebellum and Little Big Town: they’re all trying to exploit the duo and group categories of country’s incessant awards shows.

This is truly a country music embarrassment. I’m gonna let the pictures tell the rest of the story for those smart enough not to sit through the video.

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What’s going on here? Don’t ask.

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Oh be gentle!

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 Wait, how did this get in here?

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What happens in Cancun, stays in Cauncun.

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