Keith Urban: “HERE’S SOME BOOBS! GIVE ME ATTENTION!”

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Good gosh, what does Keith Urban have to do to buy a break? I mean, he married a Hollywood A-lister, he posed for Playgirl, he took a job as an American Idol judge just to find out nobody pays attention to that crap anymore, and he had the CMA’s gerrymander him into “Entertainer of the Year” and “Male Vocalist” nominations when Jason Aldean probably deserved them more. Meanwhile his last album Fuse sits outside the Top 20 in the charts and he has to be wondering, what the hell is going on? Even Sturgill Simpson, who Keith Urban apparently loves, is currently kicking Urban’s ass in the album charts coming in five spots ahead of him.

So the Keith Urban brain trust gets together, scratches their heads a little bit and says, “Boobs. You know, there’s always boobs.” And so here we see Keith Urban resort to the same female objectification the rest of country music is suffering from in this new semi-NSFW video for his stalled single “Somewhere In My Car.”

The video shows a scantly-clad woman with various cuts of fabric oh so precariously clinging to her female parts and potentially ready to fall of at any second, while Keith Urban wanks off in the background. I mean…on his guitar…he wanks off on his guitar in the background—while some roided-out muscle man ponders the trapezoidal impossibility at getting any shut eye on a single bed fit for an adolescent. Basically the underlying plot line of this video is that some poor bastard is suffering from wet dreams.

Keith Urban I’m sure will be shielded from certain criticisms because the video is veiled as being “artistic” through black and white shades and other scripted elements of scene and choreography, but this entire video is predicated on the curvature of the female breast. Don’t be fooled, it’s just as objectifying as anything else country music has to offer, if not more. And really, who cares to you have breasts in your video? Any of us can navigate to our search bar and pull up an entire world’s worth of the finest female breasts ever assembled and oogle all day if we so choose.

Even more sad is that this song and even the approach to this video has a little something of merit, delving into the roiling mental anguish that can rip the psyche apart after a breakup through haunting memories and blind jealousy. It doesn’t belong anywhere near country though. I don’t want to come across as a moralist. I’m not offended by female breasts, and don’t make it my business if someone wants to see them. But there’s a time and a place, and country is neither.

P.S. the “model” is named Jehane Paris.