Kid Rock Accused of Stealing Old Ladies’ Hats
Savingcountrymusic.com has obtained some exclusive information that none other than genre bender Kid Rock is responsible for a string of hat snatchings in and around the Nashville area, all of which involve grandmothers over the age of 80.
“I was going to buy my cat Mr. Mittens a new mouse toy at the pet store,” 83-year-old Maude Flapper recounts, “when all of a sudden there he was, demanding my hat!” The altercation happened in the 700 block of Thompson Lane in Nashville at 2PM on June 9th, the same day Kid Rock hosted the 2010 CMT Music Awards.
“He said to me, “I’ve stolen riffs from Lynard Skynard, Metallica, and Warren Zevon, and now I’m stealing your hat you old coot! So give up the headgear and nobody gets hurt!””
Mrs. Flapper also commented on Kid Rock’s smell, which apparently was quite striking. “He smelled like a discarded, two day old dog placenta being fried on a fire of burning hair.”
Later at the CMT Awards Kid Rock was clearly seen wearing a hat matching Maude Flapper’s description of “a Sunday hat in a beautiful shade of baby blue.”
But this isn’t the first time Kid Rock’s name has been attached to a hat snatching. A week before 81-year-old Ethyl Frankfurter was out working in her rose garden when she says Kid Rock accosted her in her quiet west Nashville neighborhood and made off with her “favorite pink rose cutting hat.”
“I was pruning back my Rose of Sharon bushes when all of a sudden there he was, standing in my lawn, demanding my hat. He said, “Pink is the new black you old battle axe, so give up your lid or I’ll take a dump in your yard!”
The grandmother of nine tried to fend off the Michigan-born rock star with a pair of green-handled rose pruners to no avail. Then according to Ms. Frankfurter, Kid Rock urinated on her mailbox and then “pretended to make love to a neighborhood fire hydrant for an alarming amount of time,” before fleeing the scene. Later Mr. Rock was seen wearing a hat matching the description at a Warner Music press conference.
Just like his other victim, Ms. Frankfurter also commented on Kid Rock’s apparent stench, which she said smelling “took years off of what is left of my short life.”
“He smelled like a sumo wrestler taking a dump on a burning tire.” Ms. Frankfurter recounted, still visibly shaken.
Another report into savingcountrymusic.com that Kid Rock also has a fetish for “granny panties” has yet to be verified.
Otis Lee Miller
June 16, 2010 @ 9:16 am
Holy shit. This is quite funny. Be carefull though. This guy is a well know prick. He may sue you for libel.
BlueRibbonRadio
June 16, 2010 @ 9:18 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…got to catch my breath…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…smoke break…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…quick nap….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Aran
June 16, 2010 @ 9:24 am
That’s some funny shit man!
The Triggerman
June 16, 2010 @ 9:37 am
Otis,
Kid Rock can bring it. It’ll be like squeezing a turnip.
What’s the old saying, if they can’t take a joke?
Mike Mills
June 16, 2010 @ 9:46 am
Man this is the funniest thing i’ve heard all month…Thanks for the laugh Triggerman….I love reading your stuff here and this should be required reading for all!…Glad someone else shares my contempt for that assclown!
theoldcrow13
June 16, 2010 @ 9:51 am
thats great triggerman funny as hell i’m with you let him sue because if he can’t take a joke how does he live with himself
The Triggerman
June 16, 2010 @ 10:07 am
Hehe Oldcrow.
Actually let him sue. I need the publicity.
nlindsay
June 16, 2010 @ 10:34 am
He wouldn’t sue, he’d say that he loves the site and thinks it’s a great idea cause real country music should be preserved…then he’ll buy the site and change it to SavingKidRock.com.
wayne
June 16, 2010 @ 10:35 am
funny shit, but probably true… fuck KID PUKE !!!
MR.BANDANA
June 16, 2010 @ 11:26 am
THATS FUNNY I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE BUT IF ITS TRUE SNATCH HIS BALLS OUT AND FEED EM TO THE HOGS!!!
Mandy
June 16, 2010 @ 11:47 am
I agree with Wayne & Bandana! Just the sound of his name annoys me!
declared ungovernable
June 16, 2010 @ 12:19 pm
A big Laugh Out Loud on that one – fuckin’ hurtfully funny Triggerman!
David Lee Rebel Without
June 16, 2010 @ 12:48 pm
I don’t get it why would he steal the granny hats. I’m sure he gottem at Cato’s.
hONKY tONK jESS
June 16, 2010 @ 1:24 pm
He is the biggest fucking idiot I can think of. Seriously, my rage over the fact that he exists cannot be contained. Tootsie’s has a painting of him outside next to their sign, I say fuck Tootsie’s too.
Tom
June 16, 2010 @ 4:27 pm
I laughed really good over this. I hate Kid Cock as much as the next person on this site. His noise is annoyin’ as all get out and he thinks he’s country now. Oh and look at the faoogot in a pink hat. So feminine don’tcha think?
Carla
June 16, 2010 @ 6:14 pm
Hmmm, no sign of any nana-pants here. I’d personally prefer to see the some pink lace rather than his builder’s crack:
http://www.hollyscoop.com/kid-rock-pictures/71.aspx?PGImageID=1633
nlindsay: hahaha, savingkidrock.com. Genius!
Spens
June 16, 2010 @ 6:43 pm
Spelled Lynyrd Skynyrd wrong.
Sean
October 17, 2011 @ 4:22 pm
That’s how Kid Rock says it. “Ly-nard Sky-nard”
The Triggerman
June 16, 2010 @ 7:15 pm
Sheesh.
And I’m not gonna change it.
john hauge
June 17, 2010 @ 6:33 am
LMAO!!! good stuff, triggerman.
Wylde Bill
June 17, 2010 @ 9:43 am
FUCK HIM AND THE DOG, HE PROBLLY THINKS IS A HORSE, HE RODE IN ON. THATS A GUT BUSTER!!!
Bartram
June 17, 2010 @ 11:10 am
I laughed really good over this. I hate Kid Cock as much as the next person on this site. His noise is annoyin’ as all get out and he thinks he’s country now. Oh and look at the faoogot in a pink hat. So feminine don’tcha think?
+1
rcp138
June 29, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
Will someone off this son of a bitch already???
Brandon Fuson
October 17, 2011 @ 4:07 pm
This explains everything. Last week my Grandmother was coming out of the Save A Lot when a man snatched her hat. She said he smelled like a mule’s ass was singing something about balling with a dog and banging on a titty. It has to be him..
catfish carrie
October 17, 2011 @ 4:25 pm
Oh man!!! That is the funniest thing I”ve heard in a long time!!!! Thank you for giving me a belly laugh!!!
Danyale
January 22, 2012 @ 9:27 am
bahahaha what a douche!