May
14

Official Saving Country Music Pop Country Nicknames

May 14, 2012 - By Trigger  //  Down with Pop Country  //  21 Comments

As frequent readers of Saving Country Music will attest, over the years we’ve christened fun little nicknames for some our favorite pals of pop country. If you ever wondered where these names came from and why, here’s the explanation behind some of our favorite terms of antipathy.

Tim McGraw – The Perfume Magnate

Tim McGraw and his plastic hat were the first to cross a big line with cross marketing in country music, beginning with his signature line of poof poof, and stretching all the way to Ken dolls (with a matching Barbie for his celeb wife Faith Hill) and now a new line of headphones of all things. Look out Dr. Dre! McGraw is unafraid to show his metrosexual side, and has blazed trails for both the marketing of a country music name, and the threshold of effiminacy the country music public is willing to put up with from their male stars. Yes, Tim McGraw: the trailblazer that gives a new meaning to toilet water, and the purveyor of country music’s version of yacht rock.

Kid Rock – The Wet Cigarette

He’s the godfather of country rap who stole both Hank Jr. and Sheryl Crow’s dignity, and apparently is also responsible for convincing Arron Lewis of Staind to get into country music. We’d call him the king of trash, but he would take that as a term of endearment, so hopefully this nickname conveys the scuzzy, soiled fedora, eyelids at half-mast, twice-baked, incest-with-a-second-cousin-next-to-a-muddy-lake, greesy-haired burnout that Kid Rock is. Just like a wet cigarette, he is both tacky and disappointing.

 

Brantley Gilbert – The Official Country Music Douche

Affliction and Tap Out T-shirts, $180 designer jeans with manufactured rips and Gothic crosses embroidered on the ass pockets, offensive amounts of Axe body spray quaffed over glistening and exquisitely-tanned and waxed bare chests contoured by only the best metabolic steroids money can buy, this is the Brantley Gilbert target demographic. Pull your baseball cap down tight over your eyes, wear your shirt two sizes too small, act too cool to complete your sentences, and buy a penis pump under an assumed name and you too can be a country music douche just like Brantley Gilbert. He is the Nickelback of country music.

Toby Keith – The Ford Truck Man

Oh how beautiful the irony is that the man with the big tough domestic truck endorsement plays guitars painted with the Ford logos and American flags that are in fact made in Korea. According to my buddy at the Seoul food restaurant down the street, “Takamine” is Korean for “big fat American sellout.” Who is the country star with the highest income in all the genre? Not Taylor Swift, not Lady Antebellum or Rascal Flatts. No, it’s Toby Keith, primarily from his Ford Truck endorsement. It’s a good thing those Ford Trucks have best-in-class payload to haul all that money to Toby Keith’s house, and the tons of pride and dignity they get from Toby in return.

Scott Borchetta – The Country Music Anti-Christ

As the former DreamWorks executive turned founder and CEO of Big Machine Records (originally started with The Ford Truck Man Toby Keith), he’s the primary person responsible for the success of Taylor Swift and Justin Moore, the two most responsible parties for the erosion of the terms “country” and “Outlaw” respectively. Sure, country has always had pop in its ranks, but Taylor is where it became acceptable to use country terms and outlets for music that was pop and pop only, and opened the door for acts like Lady Antebellum and Lionel Richie. Same goes for Justin Moore and his Outlaws Like Me album (possibly the worst album ever) that jumped the shark for the “Outlaw” term.

Ironically, Borchetta and Big Machine are one of the few labels that actually extend a measure of creative freedom to their artists and have become one of the most successful label models on Music Row. But make no mistake, Scott Borchetta is where country music lost control of the purity of its terms.

Colt Ford – The Country Music Grimmace

Preying on the low self esteem and pandering to the least common denominator, Colt Ford has made a million dollars while admittedly having no skill, no talent, and not even taking himself or his music seriously. Appealing to like-minded souls who possess his same specific lack of skills and overweight body type, he peddles the most gratuitous version of filth to disenfranchised cultural frontrunners in America’s rural areas. No vertical stripes can save him, his morbidly-obese, pear-shaped body is proof that country rap is a cause of obesity.

 

21 Comments to “Official Saving Country Music Pop Country Nicknames”

  • Such a well written bash against slanderer’s of the country music name. Thanks for the laughs!

       2 likes

  • I still cant see the position on brantley gilbert. Everything had a progression to it and that means music to. Now dont get me wrong Im not defending pop country. I dont like it. Myself and many others in georgia would say that brantley gilbert is far from pop country. Its the resurfacing of rebel country. Rebel country along with anything else has changed from what it once was to electric guitars. If music was still the same as it once was in the 50′s it would have such a small crowd that it would fade out. Dont get me wrong I like old country. I grew up on it

       0 likes

    • Look Mike, if you like Brantley Gilbert, that’s all that matters, and you shouldn’t let my snarky comments or anyone else’s get in your way of enjoying his music. The first rule of art appreciation is if you like it, that’s all that matters.

      As for country music progressing and people wanting it to sound the same as it did back in the 50′s, I certainly am not making that argument here, and in fact I have argued against that very mindset before. At the same time, tradition is important to the foundation of country music.

      I wrote a whole article about this if you’re interested in reading it:

      http://www.savingcountrymusic.com/progress-vs-traditionalism-in-country-music

      “traditionalists that think that pop country has no place on country radio and that they should only play Hank, Cash, Willie, and Waylon are doing just as much of a disservice. By saying the current radio formula needs to swing in the complete opposite direction and wholesale eliminate pop influences, they negatively typecast the more common pragmatic traditionalist argument that is simply looking for balance.”

         0 likes

      • Triggerman- a sincere thank you. i feel very fortunate to have caught the last installment, along with your praise by Brad B, on Galleywinter. Its well deserved and extremely accurate. I cant begin to ponder the words that would thank you for giving me (and i’m sure many others) a place to go where i’m completely submersed in the jar of commonality, forced to think about relative issues, learn new facts and hear reasonable opinions regarding a past time that i enjoy every single day. your articles give me hope, here in lonely California. People here could really use a Trace Adkins Diet, and a Toby Keith Sweat. – detox all those nasty toxins out of their system. its one of the most dis heartening concepts to think that such a vast majority of people claim that a song about a honky tonk badonkadonk, is good , and would rather dance to “shake it for me girl” (my insert to stick a hot poker in luke bryan’s repulsive face)- which there is a place for… but not in country music. Jason Boland Says it best “what happened to the music, that i loved so long ago”.. I fear that those who oppose your view and his, will never, and do not have the capacity, to understand how truely disgusting mainstream country has become. I have talked and argued so closely and passionately resembling the things you seem to say, granted not as eloquently, till im blue in the face. I hope you always keep your natural color. And keep fighting the good fight sir!! Cant argue with stupid, but Triggerman, you sure make it look fun!

           2 likes

        • Aw shucks man, I really appreciate you saying that. All I try to do is give a voice to the disenfranchised people of country music. As you alluded to, the words and feelings are all of ours, and my eloquence is aided by a backspace button and beset by my all-too-common mistakes. But I try my best and none of this would be possible if it wasn’t for the energy and attention all the readers bring to this site.

          Thanks for reading!

             1 likes

          • and i must make a correction after reading the “walk up to the line, but don’t cross it” in your SCM’s 10 founding principles… what i meant to say was.. that it feels like i accidentally fell on a hot poker, inserted into my own eye, when listening to any one of luke bryan’s repulsive, shallow, heartless pop-y, stereotyping songs. i broke principle #7, but hopefully have somewhat redeemed myself by honoring #8 to the fullest extent. Thanks again for your well thought out articles, opinions, format/guidlines for what your doing this for, and the time it takes you to fullfill all the above!!

               0 likes

    • Well there is different types of modern country music. There’s pop country which is people like Brad Paisly or Rascall Flatts. Then there’s crappy rap country like Colt Ford. And then there’s the wanna be outlaw country people like Justin Moore.

         0 likes

    • If Gilbert does sing true country and it is just a bit more progressive, well then, he just dresses and acts like f-ing douche. So he doesn’t win in that argument either.

         0 likes

  • Scott Borchetta’s need to vehemently argue with anyone who ever says anything negative about Taylor (in their blog, in their email newsletter, in comments left on CMT.com…) is kinda sad. Also, his personality is super annoying.

    I never understood what Grimmace was supposed to be as a kid. I thought he looked like a jujube.

       1 likes

  • This makes me want to live way back in some holler with all my old records and never come out. Idiocracy is well on its way.

       2 likes

  • “He’s the godfather of country rap who stole both Hank Jr. and Sheryl Crow’s dignity”

    Crow lost me when she said we should only use 2 squares of TP each time we go to the bathroom to save trees.

       4 likes

  • ROFLMAO
    I love it here! Here are some of my own nicknames

    Kenny Chesney: either the country chrome dome or Cheese ball
    Martina Mcbride: Martina mcscream
    Tim Mcgraw:- Mcflaw
    Carrie underwood: Talent show misfit
    Toby Keith: the toad man

       0 likes

  • You forgot to put Keith Urban in this list! This photo is just gagging for the Triggerman Treatment …

    http://danasdirt.com/2009/03/05/keith-urban-in-playgirl-in-2001/keith-urban-playgirl-3/#imageAnchor

       2 likes

  • Not making fun of anyones music…I like alot of it. But….It belongs in it’s own music generation not COUNTRY…..They are steeling the country name because they cant make it into rock and roll charts or Southern Rock charts !!!
    By todays standards….Elvis would be more COUNTRY than any of these fools !!!
    And he was the King of Rock and Roll !!!….What the HELL MAN ????
    I say they are nothing but thieves !!

       2 likes

  • As a follow up…I say this, If you listen to Alternative Rock the solo guitar parts are left out…This is where alternative comes from…So I say take out all of the guitar solos on this so called New Alternative Country and see how far it would go without that damn distortion !!!!!

       0 likes

  • Am I the only one here that wants to bitchslap Shooter Jennings?

       2 likes

    • Probably. Rest of us would gladly kick his ass off this planet. Why amusing yourself only by bitchslaping him. Set higher goals!

         3 likes

  • How about
    Taylor Swift: Daddy’s money

       0 likes

  • Brantley Gilbert takes steroid shots to deepen his voice. Without them he would be squeaky. He was as a senior in highschool til his agent got him to take the shots. Plus, he’s never really been the guy he sings about. His family is loaded. He was despised at every party he went to because he would act drinker than he possibly could be. He was a douche then but now he’s just a different type of douche.

       0 likes

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