I’m not going to go as far as to call it sacrilege, but Thomas Rhett’s song “Beer With Jesus” proves that when it comes to trying to write a pop country hit, nothing is sacred. I’m sorry, but beer and Jesus just don’t go together, like country and rap, or Blake Shelton and common sense. When I think of Jesus, I don’t think of beers and bars. It’s just horrifically out-of-place.
But if we’re going to say that it is okay or even creative songwriting to “have a beer with Jesus,” where do we draw the line? Well just in case Thomas Rhett is thinking about cutting any more songs in his Jesus saga, here’s some suggestions of other things that might be fun to do with the Son of God.
How better to have you life flash before your eyes than with Jesus strapped to your back?
Go Raving with Jesus
Maybe nitrous balloons, glow sticks, and LSD are the way Thomas Rhett can get right with Christ.
Sure Jesus can walk on water, but can he clear 20 yards of black Texas gumbo after a hard rain in a 1985 Chevy with an 18-inch lift? Yee-haw.
Maybe off of a hooker’s buns! Maybe Mary Magdalene is available.
Who doesn’t think this sounds like a good time? Maybe get back at Pontious Pilate for sentencing Jesus to crucifixion. Have you ever tried to get half-caked Charmin out of an olive tree after a night of light drizzle? Not easy folks, not easy.
Can’t think of a better way to bond than to dress up like sperms, straddle each other, and go hurdling down a frozen, high banked surface at 80 mph cutting through the crisp Winter air.
Or maybe Christ prefers to bowl up or roll it. Or maybe like Willie Nelson, Jesus uses a nebulizer these days to save his voice. Gotta hit that falsetto for the hymns on Sunday!
Start a Methamphetamine Manufacturing and Distribution Ring with Jesus.
Hey, there’s a reason Breaking Bad is one of the hottest things on TV right now. I admit though, it’s a little wordy to fit in the chorus of a song.
Have a Mescaline-Infused Vision Quest in the Desert, with Johnny Cash Manifested as a Coyote Acting As Your Spirit Guide…with Jesus
Hey, it worked for Homer Simpson.
Write a Song That Doesn’t Attempt to Exploit Two Upwardly Rising Trends in Pop Country Lyricism…with Jesus
Nah you’re right. That doesn’t sound like any fun.