Other Things Thomas Rhett Can Do With Jesus
I’m not going to go as far as to call it sacrilege, but Thomas Rhett’s song “Beer With Jesus” proves that when it comes to trying to write a pop country hit, nothing is sacred. I’m sorry, but beer and Jesus just don’t go together, like country and rap, or Blake Shelton and common sense. When I think of Jesus, I don’t think of beers and bars. It’s just horrifically out-of-place.
But if we’re going to say that it is okay or even creative songwriting to “have a beer with Jesus,” where do we draw the line? Well just in case Thomas Rhett is thinking about cutting any more songs in his Jesus saga, here’s some suggestions of other things that might be fun to do with the Son of God.
Tandem Skydive with Jesus
How better to have you life flash before your eyes than with Jesus strapped to your back?
Go Raving with Jesus
Maybe nitrous balloons, glow sticks, and LSD are the way Thomas Rhett can get right with Christ.
Go Muddin’ with Jesus
Sure Jesus can walk on water, but can he clear 20 yards of black Texas gumbo after a hard rain in a 1985 Chevy with an 18-inch lift? Yee-haw.
Snort Cocaine with Jesus
Maybe off of a hooker’s buns! Maybe Mary Magdalene is available.
Toilet Paper a House with Jesus
Who doesn’t think this sounds like a good time? Maybe get back at Pontious Pilate for sentencing Jesus to crucifixion. Have you ever tried to get half-caked Charmin out of an olive tree after a night of light drizzle? Not easy folks, not easy.
Two Man Luge with Jesus
Can’t think of a better way to bond than to dress up like sperms, straddle each other, and go hurdling down a frozen, high banked surface at 80 mph cutting through the crisp Winter air.
Take Bong Rips with Jesus
Or maybe Christ prefers to bowl up or roll it. Or maybe like Willie Nelson, Jesus uses a nebulizer these days to save his voice. Gotta hit that falsetto for the hymns on Sunday!
Start a Methamphetamine Manufacturing and Distribution Ring with Jesus.
Hey, there’s a reason Breaking Bad is one of the hottest things on TV right now. I admit though, it’s a little wordy to fit in the chorus of a song.
Have a Mescaline-Infused Vision Quest in the Desert, with Johnny Cash Manifested as a Coyote Acting As Your Spirit Guide…with Jesus
Hey, it worked for Homer Simpson.
Write a Song That Doesn’t Attempt to Exploit Two Upwardly Rising Trends in Pop Country Lyricism…with Jesus
Nah you’re right. That doesn’t sound like any fun.
Tim
January 30, 2013 @ 12:12 pm
What would Thomas Rhett do when Hank Sr. showed up and said “Jesus got caught up with things. He asked me to meet up with you since I like a beer every now and now. So, order one up and lets talk about country music son. I have some questions for you. Oh, Waylon is coming by too. He was hoping you’d bring Brantley Gilbert with.”
Adrian
February 1, 2013 @ 10:55 pm
Ok, let’s keep things in perspective. Thomas Rhett is not the next George Strait. “Beer With Jesus” is not a classic country song that will be played 20 years from now. But for a 22 year old new country singer this isn’t all that bad.
This might be a sad commentary on today’s country radio, but I thought “Beer With Jesus” was somewhat better than the average single released in recent years. It’s hard to think of a song from Rascal Flatts or Florida Georgia Line that is better. Taylor Swift and Shania Twain have done far more damage to country music than Thomas Rhett will ever do. So I’m inclined to give the young man a chance. Is “Beer With Jesus” really a worse country song than “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, “I Knew You Were Trouble”, “Sparks Fly”, “Up!”, “Party For Two”, or “Today Is Your Day”? I don’t think so.
I understand that some Christians are bothered by the way this song talks about Jesus. But from a music perspective this song, while not great, isn’t any worse that most of the new songs released to country radio these days. And it’s a hell of a lot more country than Taylor Swift.
Dirk Laguna
January 30, 2013 @ 12:15 pm
You misunderstand! He is talking about having a cerveza with one of the guys from the groundskeeping department! It’s all about the “big umbrella” that modern “Country” music is all about!
Trigger
January 30, 2013 @ 12:25 pm
Are you implying that if Jesus was resurrected and made his way to Arizona, they would deport him for not being able to provide documentation of his citizenship?
The persecution never ends!
Brandon Fulson
January 30, 2013 @ 12:20 pm
Hilarious!! I could hear Mudding With Jesus being the sequel to this song. I’ve never actually heard Beer With Jesus. I refuse to listen to it for fear that my head may explode. After giving “Truck Yeah” a listen and going into a dark depression for several days, I have sworn off listening to songs like these just for shits and giggles.
RD
January 30, 2013 @ 12:27 pm
I picture what used to be a smoke filled room (now its a modern conference room with take-out tappas and bottled water) with record executives and professional song-writers deciding on song names based on the way that South Park mockingly said that Family Guy story lines were created. Take three random words from a ping pong ball tumbler, put them together and build a shitty song around it. In this case, take 2 cliches, one play on words, fuse it together and write a “hit song” that appeals to douche-bag guys and dumb “wanna be in the in-crowd girls.”
Noah Eaton
January 30, 2013 @ 12:57 pm
Thomas Rhett needs something to do with his hands……with Jesus! =P
Noah Eaton
January 30, 2013 @ 1:08 pm
Anyway, as utterly lame as his debut single (which I love to subtitle “The Don’t Tell Anyone It’s A Masturbation Song”) was, I’m nonetheless relieved, between this and “Beer With Jesus”, the latter peaked lower.
“Something To Do With My Hands” was bad and asinine, but at least it didn’t try to promote itself as anything more than it really is: a silly throwaway semi-novelty ditty. “Beer With Jesus” is just outright resentful in that it tries to cast itself as rather deep and important, when in essence, by the time you get the second verse, I seriously am led to believe that Rhett and his co-writers had been listening to country ballads in the hopes of finding inspiration, then suddenly they got bored and squealed: “Screw this! Let’s listen to some Ke$ha and Flo Rida!”………….thus the references to filling up a jukebox with nothin’ but the good stuff and hoping Jesus would stay late enough so they can “shut the whole place down.” (“Tik Tok” flashes in my mind when I hear that! =P )
Trigger
January 30, 2013 @ 1:43 pm
It’s what passes for “depth” in modern radio country.
Sean
January 30, 2013 @ 1:03 pm
Of course when Jesus returns He won’t go to the poor and downtrodden, answering their questions where they live. He will be spending time with our religious leaders…the modern day Pharisees, if you will.
Just like it says he did in the Bible.
lizarye
August 17, 2013 @ 11:42 am
Yes, Sean. Also, we can have a beer with Jesus anytime we like. That is the whole point!
brz
January 30, 2013 @ 1:04 pm
“you got nothin to fear about drinkin a beer if you share it with the Son of God”
Terry Allen
Phineas
January 31, 2013 @ 12:53 pm
That song is great man I hadn’t even thought about it in forever – good call! “The lord works in mysterious ways, but tonight he’s gonna use your car (or maybe its truck I can’t remember but either way it’s solid)”
If any of yall haven’t heard it it’s Terry Allen – Gimme a Ride to Heaven Boy
I promise you will not be disappointed if you check it out
RD
January 30, 2013 @ 1:06 pm
From what I’ve heard Jesus can really “copper-out” a house when he’s jonesing for an O.C.
Jack Williams
January 30, 2013 @ 2:32 pm
Kind of on the beer theme, how about playing quarters with Jesus? I think it would be funny as hell if Jesus got so plastered that he forgot the quarter was at the bottom of the glass and swallowed it.
Dirk Laguna
January 30, 2013 @ 2:43 pm
I always heard Jesus was more of a wine drinker, anyway….so the point may be moot
Gena R.
January 30, 2013 @ 4:59 pm
That’s what I thought, too… How about “A Trip Through Wine Country With Jesus”?
Gena R.
January 30, 2013 @ 4:59 pm
Funny stuff — especially the ‘Simpsons’ reference. 🙂
ReinstateHank
January 30, 2013 @ 5:18 pm
I think Jesus drank, after all he turned water into wine. But a beer? Nah according to the temperance movement that’s Satan’s drink. So lets have a beer with the Devil.
Docreed2003
January 30, 2013 @ 6:17 pm
You give Rhett too much credit…he didn’t write the song, Rick Huckaby did
Docreed2003
January 30, 2013 @ 6:47 pm
Well…Rick and Lance Miller. Rhett was included in the songwriting credits, but I’m not sure how much he put into it
Wonderful Wednesday Tiddy Bits
January 30, 2013 @ 7:29 pm
[…] Jesus should pick up the tab!   […]
Dewey
January 31, 2013 @ 12:21 am
If I had a choice I’d go noodling with JC.
For some reason I got SCAC’s Everyone Is Guilty #2 in my head while reading this.
http://youtu.be/r9hJNkZ6cHs
Trigger
January 31, 2013 @ 12:48 am
Ha! Noodling is a good one.
Benjamin
January 31, 2013 @ 6:57 am
How about, ruining music with Jesus!
PB
January 31, 2013 @ 7:15 am
How about masterbating with Jesus, while using the same towel. If he gets tired of that maybe Jesus will “lend him a hand”.
Tom the Polack
January 31, 2013 @ 9:28 am
“Are you drinkin’ with me jesus
I can’t see you very clear
Are you drinkin’ with me jesus
Would you buy a friend a beer”
Remember that? It was kinda funny.
Woogeroo
February 1, 2013 @ 5:55 pm
Mojo Nixon did a version of that too… very funny.
-W
MC
January 31, 2013 @ 10:55 am
Yeah, it’s pretty pathetic. The Nashville songwriters keep throwing the same shit at the wall to see what sticks and when it does they make a mold of it and give it to Luke Bryan…or Little Big Town…or Jason Aldean…or…you get the picture.
ShadeGrown
January 31, 2013 @ 7:35 pm
“Jesus Was A Wino” was /is a GREAT song.
illinhawk
February 1, 2013 @ 5:00 pm
I’m pretty sure you just ruined Aldean/Church/Bryan/blahblahblah ‘s coming new single – I can’t imagine their writers weren’t working on the lyrics to Muddin’ With Jesus.
Barry
February 4, 2013 @ 11:33 am
Jesus, I love this website!