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Recommendations For CMT’s Redneck Reality Show Franchise

September 18, 2012 - By Trigger  //  Random Notes  //  18 Comments

Just like its Viacom-owned sister wives of MTV and VH1, CMT seems to be slowly making the transition from a music video format to a reality show network anchored by its popular series of “redneck” programs. Redneck Vacation, Redneck Island, and now Redneck Rehab, there seems to be no limit to what CMT will do with rednecks: driving them to The Hamptons, flying them over the pond to scare uptight English aristocrats, shipping them off to islands to do potato sack races all day (or whatever the hell they have them doing). CMT apparently has no trouble using “rednecks” as a faceless commodity for comedic fodder.

And of course these rednecks are usually portrayed in a negative light: fat, stupid, unemployed, easily entertained by a simple pool of mud. CMT and their redneck franchises has made magnificent leaps in solidifying negative stereotypes about rural life and rural residents. Of course every once in a while there’s a canned, teary moment to attempt to add some depth or moral to the shows (and of course most everything is canned and scripted), but by that point the permanent damage is already done.

But if CMT is going to fill 24/7 with redneck programs, they’re going to need some more ideas. So being the always helpful, altuistic soul that I am, I thought I’d throw them some fresh concepts as how to use rednecks to fill programming (and show off my novice Photoshop skills while doing it).

Have Rednecks Fight In Colosseum-Style Bloodsport

The Romans; now they knew how to put on a show. Imagine the ratings bonanza if you dropped a bunch of rednecks in the middle of an arena full of voracious wild animals hell bent on eating their asses. Or screw the animals, just have the rednecks fight each other to the death, over a plate of fried chicken and cornbread, or a brand new 4-wheeler or something. Now that would make some riveting television. Viewer discretion is advised.

Drop Rednecks Into War Torn Geopolitical Hotspots

Let’s face it, eventually rednecks splashing in the mud in the safe harbor of the Western world will get old, so why not send them to Syria, Afghanistan, and other theaters of war to spice things up. I can see it now, a bunch of rednecks mud wrestling and eating weird redneck shit in the middle of a bombed-out street as rocket propelled grenades and artillery shells go streaming to and fro overhead. Hell, maybe a redneck will become collateral damage. Imagine the ratings bonanza then!

Send Rednecks Over Niagara Falls In Barrels

Alright, admittedly this idea may only be good for one episode, or maybe a sweeps week special presentation, but you could stretch it out nice and good. Think of the hilarity that will ensue trying to get the fat dad squeezed into his barrel. They’d have to grease him up and use a human-sized shoehorn. Jr. and sis could fight back and forth about who gets to go over first. Jr. gets pissed when they won’t let him take his PSP on board. Sounds like television magic to me.

Shoot Rednecks Into Outer Space

What will they do when they get there? Who knows, but it’s bound to be stupid, and we’re bound to laugh at it. Everything is funnier at zero gravity. Someone call up Richard Branson and get this done! It’s fucking outer space for crying out loud!

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Use Rednecks For Biological Research

Forget the entertainment purposes, since rednecks have no intrinsic value and shouldn’t be afforded even the most basic of human dignities, why not use them for biomedical experimentation? Hell, think of how many diseases we could cure if we had an ample supply of humans we could do unabated research on with no regard for safety or outcome? Think of all the people that could be saved that are actually worth saving? Or even better, we can harvest their organs…oh wait, nobody would want redneck organs. They probably smell, and will make you quit your job and play in the mud all day.

18 Comments to “Recommendations For CMT’s Redneck Reality Show Franchise”

  • I don’t need any additional redneck organs, but I actually do want to quit my job and play in the mud all day.

       0 likes

  • Anyone who watches and enjoys staged reality television must have no life of his own.

    Going grappling was on my bucket list until Hillbilly Handfishing’ started running on television. Now it’s a fad that they use for experimentation with sorority girls.

    It’s telling that most of these shows emanate from activities in the South and not the North.

    When I was younger (and known to take a drink from time to time), getting real moonshine was a treat and a fact of life.

    Now, it’s a television show or the product of a legal distiller in Gatlinburg.

    I feel like my culture should be designated as Exhibit A to satisfy someone else’s odd curiosity.

       1 likes

  • Redneck cat fights in the mud.

       1 likes

  • Your photoshopping skills cracked me up the most. Gotta love the angle tilt of the family going over the waterfall.

       4 likes

    • That tilt took me 30 minutes. Was easy once I found the right button.

         1 likes

  • Oh my hell. You just ain’t right.

    I hate myself for admitting that I would watch all of those shows.

    It doesn’t make me proud. I am what is wrong with America. :)

       3 likes

  • I think simply putting copious amounts of laxatives in their beer could probably be even more entertaining then all these ideas. Considering that’s pretty much all they drink, we might get to witness the first ruptured intestines on TV. Or at least get to see them all shit themselves…

       0 likes

  • let’s have a real “redneck reality show.” i can just go to the saw mill down the road or the mines or follow some rock and gravel haulers and loggers around and video tape some actual rednecks busting their asses all day for minimum wage and then drinking their lives away in a rented trailer until they die at about 50 years old. itll be hilarious

       2 likes

  • I volunteer to be sent over the falls in a barrel, as the saturation of our society with mindless reality shows and psuedo-celebrities makes me not want to live on this planet anymore.

       0 likes

  • [...] This ain’t right. I’d watch all of these crap too. [...]

       0 likes

  • These shows are a disgrace. People can be deemed “rednecks” and they are open game for society to make fun of them. There is no other group of people that could be shown on TV like this using a slightly derogatory term in name of the show to describe them. I’ve heard people say things like “stupid redneck,” but find racial slurs offensive. It just doesn’t make sense to me, apparently hypocrisy knows no end.

       1 likes

  • Anybody here ever read Jim Goad’s “Redneck Manifesto”?

       0 likes

    • Great book

         0 likes

  • Money over shame I guess. Some of these people should know better. Especially Honey Boo Boo. That is garbage and those people have NO shame whatsoever.
    The wonderful whites documentary isn’t much better. Other then the hank 3 stuff, it’s hardly watchable

       1 likes

  • Eastern Kentucky is where my bloodline has called home since the 1800s, and I cain’t stand these shows, but they don’t accurately portray the reality that is rural America these days. You want you a real hillbilly redneck show get you a camera and follow around some of my family members and friends, so you can see the poverty, coal minin, run down trailers, wild dogs that run the hills, prescription drug abuse, domestic and sexual abuse, all those stereo types that are unfortunately mostly true…. BUT I LOVE MY PEOPLE AND I AIN’T ASHAMED NARY A BIT OF WHERE I COMED FROM. OH! and the Whites of West Virginia didn’t have to act to make a movie that’s how they really was and are. Same for Hasil Adkins when he was alive, and most families of Appalachia. They was used by them folks who make Jackass to make people laugh and make money. Don’t get me wrong not everyone is that wild back home but alot are. its called hopelessness… and i think im ramblin’….

       1 likes

  • My daughter will turn 16 on June 16th 2014 and she would love to have an awesome big redneck sweet 16 party. That would be an awesome show. If you could help me out please let me know. Thanks a mom of a Big Redneck Teenager.

       0 likes

  • I have a Great Idea for a reality TV show. I live in SC now originally from NJ and I lived in Fl for 12 years. If the cameras we recording here America would love it.. How do I submit a video? Its kinda funny cuz I have a weird accent northern and southern. My mother in law is crazy and says off the wall crap all the time. There is Never a dull moment here. It could be from N.J to SC and the funny thing is my husband and I grew up in the same town. He moved to Sc and I moved to Fl we reunited on Fb and got married here in Sc everyone laughs cuz we ended up getting hitched to eachother and were from Piscataway originally. I have children too boys that say the funniest things. And I think you would like it..

       0 likes

  • Cmt needs to take parents of 5 or more kids and give them a month away and let them be adults having fun with no responsibility and record their reactions to some freedom without losing their children

       0 likes

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