Recommendations For CMT’s Redneck Reality Show Franchise

Just like its Viacom-owned sister wives of MTV and VH1, CMT seems to be slowly making the transition from a music video format to a reality show network anchored by its popular series of “redneck” programs. Redneck Vacation, Redneck Island, and now Redneck Rehab, there seems to be no limit to what CMT will do with rednecks: driving them to The Hamptons, flying them over the pond to scare uptight English aristocrats, shipping them off to islands to do potato sack races all day (or whatever the hell they have them doing). CMT apparently has no trouble using “rednecks” as a faceless commodity for comedic fodder.

And of course these rednecks are usually portrayed in a negative light: fat, stupid, unemployed, easily entertained by a simple pool of mud. CMT and their redneck franchises has made magnificent leaps in solidifying negative stereotypes about rural life and rural residents. Of course every once in a while there’s a canned, teary moment to attempt to add some depth or moral to the shows (and of course most everything is canned and scripted), but by that point the permanent damage is already done.

But if CMT is going to fill 24/7 with redneck programs, they’re going to need some more ideas. So being the always helpful, altuistic soul that I am, I thought I’d throw them some fresh concepts as how to use rednecks to fill programming (and show off my novice Photoshop skills while doing it).

Have Rednecks Fight In Colosseum-Style Bloodsport

The Romans; now they knew how to put on a show. Imagine the ratings bonanza if you dropped a bunch of rednecks in the middle of an arena full of voracious wild animals hell bent on eating their asses. Or screw the animals, just have the rednecks fight each other to the death, over a plate of fried chicken and cornbread, or a brand new 4-wheeler or something. Now that would make some riveting television. Viewer discretion is advised.

Drop Rednecks Into War Torn Geopolitical Hotspots

Let’s face it, eventually rednecks splashing in the mud in the safe harbor of the Western world will get old, so why not send them to Syria, Afghanistan, and other theaters of war to spice things up. I can see it now, a bunch of rednecks mud wrestling and eating weird redneck shit in the middle of a bombed-out street as rocket propelled grenades and artillery shells go streaming to and fro overhead. Hell, maybe a redneck will become collateral damage. Imagine the ratings bonanza then!

Send Rednecks Over Niagara Falls In Barrels

Alright, admittedly this idea may only be good for one episode, or maybe a sweeps week special presentation, but you could stretch it out nice and good. Think of the hilarity that will ensue trying to get the fat dad squeezed into his barrel. They’d have to grease him up and use a human-sized shoehorn. Jr. and sis could fight back and forth about who gets to go over first. Jr. gets pissed when they won’t let him take his PSP on board. Sounds like television magic to me.

Shoot Rednecks Into Outer Space

What will they do when they get there? Who knows, but it’s bound to be stupid, and we’re bound to laugh at it. Everything is funnier at zero gravity. Someone call up Richard Branson and get this done! It’s fucking outer space for crying out loud!

Use Rednecks For Biological Research

Forget the entertainment purposes, since rednecks have no intrinsic value and shouldn’t be afforded even the most basic of human dignities, why not use them for biomedical experimentation? Hell, think of how many diseases we could cure if we had an ample supply of humans we could do unabated research on with no regard for safety or outcome? Think of all the people that could be saved that are actually worth saving? Or even better, we can harvest their organs…oh wait, nobody would want redneck organs. They probably smell, and will make you quit your job and play in the mud all day.