Browsing articles tagged with " Craig Morgan"
May
20

Saving Country Music’s Worst Country Songs of All Time

May 20, 2013 - By Trigger  //  Down with Pop Country  //  144 Comments

SCMLOGOLAYERSWe all know them and we all hate them, those ubiquitous and ridiculous pop country songs that make us hang our heads in shame, embarrassed to call ourselves country fans, constantly making us having to explain that no, we don’t listen to that type of country. They pursue us doggedly, on the radio, over the speakers at the grocery store, blaring from a car full of high school kids at a red light.

Saving Country Music’s Greatest Songs of All Time

Please note that this list has a few ground rules, namely that a song must have been released as a single to qualify (i.e. no Brad Paisley’s “Accidental Racist”). Also, songs that may have been classified by radio as “country” but were classified by artists or their labels as pop (principally Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”) will not be dignified by being included on this “country” list either.


luke-bryan15. Country Girl (Shake It For Me) – Luke Bryan

Positively nothing more than a pop dance song with a banjo, Luke Bryan commands country girls to “shake it” for the birds, the bees, for the crickets and the critters and the catfish swimming down deep in the creek, for the gerbils crawling way up his rectum to massage his prostate… oh wait, he left that line out, but you get the point. This song is like a frozen sledge hammer to the balls of anybody who has any sort of musical taste or dignity.

corn-star-craig-morgan14. Corn Star – Craig Morgan

Yes my friends, this song actually exists, and was even released as a single. How do you out cornpone your corny competition? Make a pun about corn and insert into a sexually-charged urbanism, aka the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk songwriting formula. The writers of this song Jeffrey Steele and Shane Minor are not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you for buying into this worthless piece of drivel. If you think “Corn Star” is funny, then the joke’s on you.

13. Stuck Like Glue – Sugarland

This song sounds like it was made with a bubble machine. I don’t know what I hate worse in this song, the reggae breakdown, or the way Jennifer Nettles sings way on top of every note making this song especially unbearable to listen to. At least Sugarland’s cries for relevancy were answered by the song reaching #2 on the country charts, and eventually being certified double platinum. However since then, they have yet to have another hit single, and both Sugarland members are pursuing solo careers.

florida-georgia-line-cruise (2)12. Cruise – Florida Georgia Line

Florida Georgia Line is a horrible combination of Rascal Flatts pretty boy hyper-pop, and designer jeans Jason Aldean “backroad” laundry list pap. They are everything bad about quotation mark “country” combined into one big stuffed crotch sandwich. Punctuating how pathetic “Cruise” is, is the fact that these two dudes apparently don’t know how to use punctuation. The first line of the song goes, “Baby you a song,” instead of, “Baby you’re a song.” But what else can you expect when the title of their first  EP was It’z Just What We Do. Yes, it’s one of those albums, blurring the lines between Ebonics and idiocracy. (read song review)

11. Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy) – Big & Rich

Big & Rich may think they’re saving horses with their fringe-lined parasols, dandy top hats and prancing midgets, but it is at the expense of our hearing. “Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)” acts like a good healthy turn of a corkscrew right after it’s been inserted in one’s earhole. “Save A Hose” has the the shelf life of a knock knock joke. Hear it once and maybe it makes you smile. Hear it twice and you can’t reach for the radio dial quick enough. This song is the reason fans of other genres think all country music sucks.

Swimsuit: Musicians Kenny Chesney  14-DEC-2006 X77016 TK3 CREDIT: Steve Erle10. She Think’s My Tractor’s Sexy – Kenny Chesney

Boy, little did we know back in 1999 that this machination of mixing sex and farm machinery would become such a prevailing trend in country music. Chesney should’ve just stuck to figuring out what to rhyme “coconut” and “flip flops” with in his idiotic and incessant beach songs. What Kenny and his sexy tractor cohorts lost sight of is that the beauty of country living is in its simplicity.

9. Brown Chicken Brown Cow – Trace Adkins

trace-adkins-brown-chicken-brown-cowSome songs we call “a joke” figuratively. This one is a joke, literally. No really, they took a punch line and figured out how to build a song out of it. “Brown Chicken Brown Cow” mentions corn fields and slopping pigs, but since these days less than 2% of Americans actually live this type of traditional farm lifestyle, he is not using these things to relate to people, but to disguise the fact that this really is a hip-hopish rock song, and that he isn’t singing to country folks, he’s singing to suburbanites that like to listen to this kind of smut as a form of escapism. Trace Adkins has become one of the kings of gimmick songs, with his super hit “Honky Tonk Bandonkadonk” being his most well-recognized hit. But even Trace had to admit later that”Brown Chicken Brown Cow” went too far, saying, “I guess I went to that well one too many times.”

8. Red Solo Cup – Toby Keith

That’s right ladies and gentleman, raise your red solo cups high, and let’s all toast the onset of idiocracy! This is not only one of country’s worst songs ever, it was possibly the first song written to be a video first and foremost. Make a stupid viral video for an even more stupid song and you have the spoon fed public eating out of his hands. And just because Toby Keith admits this song is stupid, doesn’t mean it’s still not in fact stupid.

tim-mcgraw-truck-yeah7. Truck Yeah – Tim McGraw

A creatively-repressed Tim McGraw finally breaks free from the 20-year-old bounds of Curb Records, and like an out-of-control Catholic schoolgirl unsupervised, releases this scandalously ill-advised attempt at country rap, forever soiling his reputation. Realistically speaking, this may be one of the worst, if not the worst song on this list. But since it’s creative depravity is so heinous and obvious, it petered in the charts, and its impact was marginal compared to the Frankenstein-like super hit McGraw and new label partner Scott Borchetta were hoping to score.

billy-ray-cyrus6. Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus

“Achy Breaky Heart” is country music’s version of waterborading. The song itself was not as awful as the machine gun frequency and pandemic-like omnipresence it terrorized society with throughout 1992, until it and Billy Ray Cyrus’s atomic mullet rose to the level of becoming a national embarrassment that America will likely never absolve.

5. I Wanna Talk About Me – Toby Keith

Yes, you forgot about this little bit of mullet-era Toby Keith awfulness, didn’t you? Before there was “1994″ and before there was “Dirt Road Anthem,” there was this wretched piece of pseudo country rapping released in 2001, written by Bobby Braddock of all people. The song was supposed to be a hit for a young, emerging Blake Shelton, but his label turned it down as too risky. “I Wanna Talk About Me” wasn’t even Toby Keith’s first country rap. He had another single “Getcha Some” in 1998. But it isn’t just the rapping that makes this song awful, it is the self-centered arrogance of the lyrics.

4. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk – Trace Adkins

The title says it all. No really, it does.

3. Boys ‘Round Here – Blake Shelton

Blake Shelton’s “Boys ‘Round Here” is songwriting by algorithm and analytics, fashioning together words and sounds known to have the widest impact on mainstream radio’s weak-of-mind demo. It is the worst combination of both mainstream country rap and laundry list songwriting. The “boys” in the title of “Boys ‘Round Here” is fitting, because this song is rank immaturity. It’s the audio equivalent of sneaking out of your mom’s house to smoke pot behind a Pizza Hut. Though Jason Aldean’s “1994″ may be a worse song, “Boys ‘Round Here” might be more dangerous as because it is a chart-topper.

jason-aldean-ludacris-dirt-road-anthem2. Dirt Road Anthem – Jason Aldean

This song seems rather innocuous now compared to the newest wave of country rap that has given rise to songs like “1994,” “Boys ‘Round Here,” and “Truck Yeah.” But at the time, “Dirt Road Anthem” was the edifice of awful, the one that broke the doors open for country rap. As the best-selling song in country music in 2011, the impact of “Dirt Road Anthem” cannot be understated.

1. 1994 – Jason Aldean

jason-aldean-1994Jason Aldean and his crack team of producers and songwriters were exhaustive in their efforts to compile only the absolute worst elements from every corner and crevice of popular music and then assemble them together to compose this ode to the decay of Western Civilization. At their dispose are hip-pop, wiener rock, laundry list country, Auto-Tune, and the general douchebaggery awfulness caused by a complete lack of self-awareness that Jason Aldean is a exemplary specimen of. These ingredients are then extruded into a feces-like industrial slurry that is injected into the hollow, mulleted, cop-mustached corpse of 90′s country semi-star Joe Diffie’s dwindling career.

In Music Row’s everlasting quest to train all of its resources on scouring America to unearth only the finest, most purest form of audio diarrhea, they have struck the mother of all motherloads originating from Jason Aldean’s unholy bowels. Yes Nashville, pat yourself on the back, let all of the Auto-Tuned stars sing out in unison as Stratocasters bray out a cacophony of stadium rock riffs in unified celebration–you have officially discovered the shittiest country music song to ever touch the human ear drum. (read full review)

Jan
3

Saving Country Music’s Worst Country Songs of 2012

January 3, 2013 - By Trigger  //  Down with Pop Country  //  101 Comments

SCMLOGOLAYERSThis year in popular country music, there were some glimmers of hope. Kacey Musgraves’ “Merry Go ‘Round” found some surprising traction and success, and Kellie Pickler’s 100 Proof may go down as one of the best mainstream country albums in years. But of course this was all counter-balanced by a gaggle of the worst songs “country” music has ever seen. At this point we probably should just resign that each year the crop of bad songs will get worse as Music Row runs out of ideas and continues to appeal to the least common denominator and stretch for relevancy.

Something else to note about this year’s crop of “Worst Songs” is half of them, including the top three, are the responsibility of The Country Music Anti-Christ Scott Borchetta’s Big Machine Label and it’s associated tentacles. Songs were picked through a proprietary algorithm that considers not just how awful a song is or sounds, but that also takes into consideration cultural significance.

8. Little Big Town – “Pontoon”

little-big-town-pontoon

Little Big Town does its level best to shipwreck country music by jettisoning off any and all country roots and twang and inviting on board the most unabashed pop culture imagery and materialism in this stupid summer lake song. The only time a pontoon like this should make an appearance in country is when a bass boat is trolling by and its redneck occupants drop trow and moon these martini-sipping elitists. The eardrum-raping “tings” that make up the idiotic hook for this song sound like the noise that Satan would evoke when perpetually pulling out your pubic hairs one by one as the punishment for eternal damnation.

I hear mention of “motorboating” but unfortunately none of the sea hags in Little Big Town are endowed fully enough to pull the trick off. No, it’s not the choppy water, it’s this song that is making me want to blow chunks overboard.

7. Kip Moore – “Somethin’ ‘Bout A Truck”

kip-moore-somethin-bout-a-truck

You know your song is lame and unimaginative when Mother Goose is suing you for royalties and mechanicals. There’s something about a truck? There’s something about some pop country douche in a backwards baseball cap ripping off the nursery rhyme “Hole in the Bottom of the Sea” accompanied by Richie Sambora-style stratocaster guitar that makes me want to insert a corkscrew into my earhole and start turning.

Apparently this song is about getting laid by some shallow chick. “On one occasion, [my car] broke down, so I asked my dad, ‘Pop, I need your truck.’ He said sure, so I took it to pick her up … It was like I picked up a whole other human. She was vibrant and all about me; she was all over me from the beginning of the date.”

6. Thomas Rhett – “Beer with Jesus”

thomas-rhett-beer-with-jesus-001

Jesus may have turned the other cheek, but he also overturned the tables of the money changers in the temple where they didn’t belong. Just like the Romans of biblical times, these pop country fart tards are foreign occupiers who need to get the hell out of country. I don’t pretend to know what Jesus would do, but if I were him, I’d shove my sandal straight up Thomas Rhett’s ass and tell him he could keep his Michelob Ultra. Somewhere in the Bible it must say that the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself, and if Thomas Rhett thinks this song is anything other than marketing, he’s committing a cardinal sin.

Besides, wasn’t Jesus more of a wine guy? (read song review)

5. Craig Morgan – “Corn Star”

craig-morgan-corn-star

I’d rather have to clean up the corn-laced leavings of a sumo wrestler or have my poop shoot violated by a serrated corn cob than subject my ear holes to this abomination.

Yes my friends, this song actually exists, and was even released as a single. How do you out cornpone your corny competition? Make a pun about corn and insert into a sexually-charged urbanism (aka the Honky Tonk Badonka Donk songwriting formula). I can just see songwriters Jeffrey Steele and Shane Minor high fiving each other in the BMI building on Music Row, hoping this is the hit that takes them out of the cubicle farm to the corner office. But they’re not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you for buying into this worthless piece of drivel.

If you think “Corn Star” is funny, then the joke’s on you.

4. Shooter Jennings & Bucky Covington – “Drinking Side of Country”

Shooter takes the ‘O’ out of country and pulls a Benedict Arnold by teaming up with pop country also-ran Bucky Covington (aka “The Nickeback of Country Music”) in this positively awful pop song. Shooter has his Kool-Aid-drinking apologists selling out every one of their principles to defend their country music savior while he ca$hes in by the elevation of his cult of personality.

How pop is this video and song? Well it got over 2 million hits in 72 hours, but if you check out the like to dislike ratio on this video, it is phenomenal. This song has a double digit lead on the like to dislike ratio on all the other songs on this list, on the worst country songs of all time, or virtually any song released in popular music, only outpaced by Rebecca Blacks of the world. You could make a serious case that this song is the most polarizing ever released in country music.

Oh and let’s not forget they changed the “Outlaw” lyric in the song so Shooter wouldn’t look like a hypocrite since he called out this practice in his song “Outlaw You.” But all of that’s okay, because he played my band’s song on his satellite radio show on Sunday afternoon at a time slot they give to pseudo celebrities because barely anybody listens. Or he smoked me out backstage one night, or took me out for a drink and said he loved my blog.

I’m just glad I’m on record calling Shooter the Svengali of country music before this song and video were released. As Jules in Pulp Fiction once said, “If you want to play blind man, go walk with the shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fucking open.” (read song review)

3. Florida-Georgia Line – “Cruise”

florida-georgia-line-cruise1

Yet another entry on this list originating from Scott Borchetta’s Big Machine Records, which is ironic seeing how these two douchebags met at Borchetta’s cross-town rival’s namesake–Belmont University’s “Mike Curb College of Music.”

Florida Georgia Line is a horrible combination of Rascal Flatts pretty boy hyper-pop, and designer jeans Jason Aldean “backroad” laundry list bullshit. They are everything bad about quotation mark “country” in 2012 combined into one big stuffed crotch sandwich. Punctuating how pathetic “Cruise” is, is the fact that these two dudes apparently don’t know how to use punctuation. The first line of the song goes, “Baby you a song,” instead of, “Baby you’re a song.” But what else can you expect when the title of their EP is It’z Just What We Do. Yes, it’s one of those albums, blurring the lines between Ebonics and idiocracy. (read song review)

2. Taylor Swift – “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

Taylor-Swift-We-Are-Never-Ever-Getting-Back-Together

There’s positively nothing country about this song, which should really disqualify it from the competition. But because of Billboard’s new chart rules, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” went from being #21 on the country charts and faltering, to being #1 for 9 straight weeks, breaking the record for a female country artist that had been held since 1964 by Hall of Famer Connie Smith. It spent 3 weeks at the #1 spot on Billboard’s all-encompassing “Hot 100″ chart, the first country song to accomplish this feat since Kenny Rogers’ “Lady” released 33 years ago. It also set the record for the biggest digital sales week ever for a song by a female artist, and has now been certified triple platinum.

All of this is despite the fact that the song was only released to the public in a pop mix, with the “country” mix being the other version of the song, and only available to country radio upon request. I’ve got nothing funny to say here. I guess it is an okay pop song, but this song coupled with Billboard’s new chart rules caused possibly the biggest sonic and statistic erosion to the foundation of country music in its 70 year existence.

1. Tim McGraw – “Truck Yeah”

“Truck Yeah” picks up where Jason Aldean’s country/rap “Dirt Road Anthem” left off, blurring the lines between country and rap until you’re left with “crap.” With the first single from the Big Machine Records-era of Tim McGraw, the country music mega-star pulls off the biggest sellout move of his career, and one of the biggest sellout moves ever seen from an established country music franchise name. “Truck Yeah” is an embarrassing, overt outcry for relevancy and commercial acceptance. Somewhere Mike Curb–who McGraw won a court case against to release this song and join Big Machine–is sitting behind a desk, maniacally stroking a cat sitting on his lap and cackling.

There’s no story. Instead the song just spews out stereotypical artifacts of culture while hanging on one single monotone vocal note with minor variations. This song is a product of the mono-genre. It’s a club dance song. Countryisms and urbanisms are belted out by McGraw with no delineation between the two. He talks about crew cabs and clubs downtown. DJ’s and rednecks. And then there’s the line, “Got Lil’ Wayne Pumpin’ on my iPod.” And add on top of all of that the stupid cornpone title lyric and the fact that it’s yet another mainstream song about trucks and you have a super-fecta of pop country suckitude.

The worst country song ever? Quite possibly. It’s certainly the worst of 2012. (read song review)

Aug
13

Worst “Country” Songs of 2012 So Far

August 13, 2012 - By Trigger  //  Down with Pop Country  //  78 Comments

What a banner year it has been for bad songs in country music. After 2011′s “Red Solo Cup” by Toby Keith and Jason Aldean’s country/rap “Dirt Road Anthem” the bar has been raised for how low you must go to get attention for your twilighting music career. I’m sure there’s even worse songs out there, but all of these selections were actually released as singles; put out there for mass consumption. Put a clothesline clip on your nose, a paper bag on your knee, and dive in…if you dare.

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5. Pontoon – Little Big Town

Little Big Town does its level best to shipwreck country music by jettisoning off any and all country roots and twang and inviting on board the most unabashed pop culture imagery and materialism in this stupid summer lake song. The only time a pontoon like this should make an appearance in country is when a bass boat is trolling by and its redneck occupants drop trow and moon these martini-sipping elitists. The eardrum-raping “tings” that make up the idiotic hook for this song sound like the noise that Satan would evoke when perpetually pulling out your pubic hairs one by one as the punishment for eternal damnation.

I hear mention of “motorboating” but unfortunately none of the sea hags in Little Big Town are endowed fully enough to pull the trick off. No, it’s not the choppy water, it’s this song that is making me want to blow chunks overboard.

4. Drinking Side of Country – Bucky Covington & Shooter Jennings

Shooter takes the ‘O’ out of country and pulls a Benedict Arnold by teaming up with pop country also-ran Bucky Covington (aka “The Nickeback of Country Music”) in this positively awful pop song. Not even Kenny Chesney has stooped to this level of music vapidness in his otherwise vapid career. Shooter has his Kool-Aid-drinking apologists selling out every one of their principles to defend their country music savior while he ca$hes in by the elevation of his cult of personality.

Want to know how pop this video is? It got 1 million hits in one day, more hits than any video Shooter has ever received during its entire lifespan. As we all know, sex and shitty music is what sells to the masses, and that’s what Bucky and Shooter deliver here. Oh and let’s not forget they changed the “Outlaw” lyric in the song so Shooter wouldn’t look like a hypocrite.

But all of this is forgivable, because hey, Shooter kissed my ass when I met him once.

I’m still waiting for someone, anyone to explain to me exactly what the hell “Drinking Side of Country” actually means. Anybody?… Anybody?…Bueller?

3. Somethin’ ‘Bout A Truck – Kip Moore

You know your song is lame and unimaginative when Mother Goose is suing you for royalties and mechanicals. There’s something about a truck? There’s something about some pop country douche in a backwards baseball cap ripping off the nursery rhyme “Hole in the Bottom of the Sea” accompanied by Richie Sambora-style stratocaster guitar that makes me want to insert a corkscrew into my earhole and start turning.

Apparently this song is about getting laid by some shallow chick. “On one occasion, [my car] broke down, so I asked my dad, ‘Pop, I need your truck.’ He said sure, so I took it to pick her up … It was like I picked up a whole other human. She was vibrant and all about me; she was all over me from the beginning of the date.”

But the girl that night discovered what the girl in the red dress in the video soon will: Kip Moore has no penis.

2. Corn Star – Craig Morgan

Yes my friends, this song actually exists, and was even released as a single. How do you out cornpone your corny competition? Make a pun about corn and insert into a sexually-charged urbanism (aka the Honky Tonk Badonka Donk songwriting formula). I can just see songwriters Jeffrey Steele and Shane Minor high fiving each other in the BMI building on Music Row, hoping this is the hit that takes them out of the cubicle farm to the corner office. But they’re not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you for buying into this worthless piece of drivel.

If you think “Corn Star” is funny, then the joke’s on you.

1. Truck Yeah – Tim McGraw

“Truck Yeah” picks up where Jason Aldean’s country/rap “Dirt Road Anthem” left off, blurring the lines between country and rap until you’re left with “crap”. Worst country song ever? Well see, we’re still early in “Truck Yeah’s” life cycle, but McGraw’s undeniable sellout moment and cry for relevancy debuted as his best single ever and is slowly making its way up the charts.

“Rap or country, city/farm, it don’t matter who you are…Are you one of us?”

All hail the death of variety, diversity, and contrast in popular American music!

Jul
4

Song Review – Tim McGraw’s “Truck Yeah”

July 4, 2012 - By Trigger  //  Reviews  //  52 Comments

Really Tim McGraw? Really? After 20 years of slaving under the oppressive control of puppetmaster Mike Curb, this is what you do with your new found freedom? Wow.

With the first single from the Big Machine Records-era of Tim McGraw, the country music mega-star pulls off the biggest sellout move of his career, and one of the biggest sellout moves ever seen from an established country music franchise name. Yes friends and neighbors, Tim McGraw has fallen prey to the hyper-trend of the country music laundry list truck song. “Truck Yeah” is such an overt outcry for relevancy and commercial acceptance, I feel embarrassed for McGraw simply from writing about it.

When you boil this song down, it’s a rap song, and a bad one at that, just like so many of these country checklist songs. There’s no story. Instead the song just spews out stereotypical artifacts of culture while hanging on one single monotone vocal note with minor variations. This song is a product of the mono-genre. It’s a club dance song. Countryisms and urbanisms are belted out by McGraw with no delineation between the two. He talks about crew cabs and clubs downtown. DJ’s and rednecks. And then there’s the line, “Got Lil’ Wayne Pumpin’ on my iPod.” And add on top of all of that the stupid cornpone title lyric and the fact that it’s yet another mainstream song about trucks and you have a super-fecta of pop country suckitude.

And I hate to be a hypocrite and cite the morality of the situation, but since this song is being put out on the public airwaves, why not ask the question of where the line is? Kids aren’t stupid, despite the best efforts of public schools and popular media. Kids know what McGraw is implying here. And in the live version, he even thrusts his fist in the air like he’s flipping the bird at the crowd. Most people see the country station as a refuge when the kiddos are in the car. Or at least they used to. It’s bad enough most of the music young brains are being barraged with is in such poor taste. Now we have to worry if it’s morally straight.

The worst part about this song is Tim McGraw knows better. We expect this dumb shit from the Justin Moore’s and Brantley Gilbert’s of the world, but from Tim McGraw? Say what you want about his music, that it’s boring or country’s version of adult contemporary, but aside from his idiotic “Indian Outlaw” song, his career has been marked with depth. And in McGraw’s defense, we haven’t heard all of the new material he’s been recording for Big Machine, and this may be the worst of the lot. But man, I just can’t see how anybody can look at this song and not say “sellout”.

This is an embarrassment for country music, this is an embarrassment for Tim McGraw, this is an insult to all the folks fighting for creative freedom for country artists on Music Row, and this is even more validation that Scott Borchetta of Big Machine Records is indeed the Country Music Anti-Christ.

Somewhere Mike Curb is sitting behind a desk, maniacally stroking a cat sitting on his lap and cackling. There’s a reason country labels see it necessary to hold such a heavy thumb on artists. This song could perform like Kip Moore’s “Something About a Truck” which became a #1, or it could be like Track Adkin’s “Brown Chicken, Brown Cow” or Craig Morgan’s awful “Corn Star” and bomb. I think there will be high initial curiosity about this song, but it also runs a big risk from both being controversial and polarizing, and for venturing so far out of McGraw’s established demographic.

And why? Why this? Why now? Tim McGraw is selling out arenas and has songs climbing the charts on country radio. Does he not have enough money or attention? Why risk being labeled a bit singer like Trace Adkins or a douche like Brantley Gilbert?

Just be yourself Tim.

Two guns down!

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