The 10 Summer Music Festival Archetypes
As the summer festival season heats up, and especially with so many corporate festivals these days mixing together genres and people of different interests, I thought it would be interesting to extrapolate on some of the people you might expect to see (or hope you don’t) as you try to get the most from your summer festival experience. Who knows, maybe you’ll find example of yourself here. I can probably fit in a few of the categories myself, so don’t get too insulted or you’ve missed the point.
Enjoy.
1. Douche Rocket
Rolling shirt off for the entirety, with a backwards baseball cap, shaved chest, cargo shorts with extraneous straps, and double fisting corporate beer, he’ll over-talk through your favorite band’s set, and refer to anyone outside his circle of friends as a “fag.” Traveling in the human equivalent to roving bands of young male wild animals in the throes of new found sexual maturity, he is as horny as he is stupid, frogging his buddies on the arm, doing pushups between shows to tone his pecs, and annoyingly playing grab ass with his buddies in the line for the Port-O-Johns while everyone else is trying to keep track of who’s turn is next. He thinks any of the opening and side stage bands are for homos, and he’s only heard of the main headliners. The only reason he showed up early was to hawk high school chicks. He thinks garbage cans are for pussies.
2. Over-Prepared Expensive Gear Dude
Out $700 for his three separate festival day outfits, he buys only the best mesh interior breathable shirts from L.L. Bean and REI to stay cool, and stupid looking wide brim floppy hats to stave off skin cancer. His backpack has a bladder and a hose trailing down his arm so he can take a drink at any moment, and it dubs as a wireless hotspot. He has battery charging capability for four USB devices simultaneously, and organized the festival schedule into a spreadsheet that he then turned into a customized app that he could share friends. He knows exactly what he is going to eat for every meal at the fest even before he leaves his house, and has all of his pictures annotated and organized before he gets home. His tent cost him $1,800, and he’d love to tell you how lightweight and efficient it is. He spends most of the fest fumbling with various bits of his gear to get them exactly right, and shows his appreciation for music by doing bad white guy dancing at the side of the stage, or standing 37 rows back and tapping his toes in his open-toed Keen performance sandals. He ends all of his festival conversations with “Stay hydrated, and don’t forget your sun screen.”
3. Clueless Overscreaming Front Row Chick
Stationed in front of the stage the entire fest, she has no idea who this band is, but she wants to have the guitar player’s babies and she’ll scream at the top of her lungs after every song. She lives to be goaded by the lead singer to “Put your hands in the air and make some noooisseee!!!!” The country version wears cutoffs with boots and an cheap Wal-Mart straw cowboy hat. The pop/indie rock version wears puffy silk flower necklaces. They both wear bikini tops and glitterface. She prefaces any decision she makes with “Oh my God so okay y’all…” and has her face buried in her phone between sets. She got completely blitzed off of half a wine cooler and had to call her cool uncle to come rescue her. She thinks the urinal in the Port-O-John is a purse holder.
4. Overzealous Space Eater
A football lineman in high school, he’s a cousin of the Douche Rocket (see above), but is shaggy-headed with a spotty beard, and completely out of shape. He’s the life of the party (or at least, thinks he is), screaming and yelling right behind you in your ear, or bumping into you with his sweaty whale arms, or standing in front of you with his annoying back hair pouring out the edges of his sleeveless shirt. He the guy always wanting the rest of the crowd to join him in stupid chants for the next band coming out. The terribleness of his singing is only outdone by his apparent cluelessness of the right lyrics. The only way he knows how to drink beer is to chug it and then let out a barbaric yawp afterwards. He’s generally personable, but will immediately turn into an asshole if he thinks someone is “talking shit.” Already taking up space for two in the cramped area in front of the stage, he smell’s like a mule’s ass and keeps turning around to look for his buddy who’s bringing more beer. He’s the guy EMT’s are always fetching out of the crowd on a stretcher. He strikes up a conversation with you in the pisser.
5. Ironic Nerdcore People Watcher
A poster boy for post-hipster culture, he paid full price for a complete weekend ticket so he could ignore all of the bands and instead spend his time making fun of passers by with his snotty friends. He was going to see this electronic noise band he’d been hearing about, but then became concerned what people might think if they saw him enjoying himself, so he instead just bought their latest vinyl at the merch tent before leaving. He’s figured out how to remain pasty white throughout the entire weekend, and still uses a flip phone to be ironic. He did shave his beard, but he hasn’t given up on the handlebar mustache, David Koresh glasses, or tapered jeans. He only eats organic, but will take whatever pills you hand him. He’ll tell you and inside joke just so he can laugh at you for not getting it. He’s moving to Portland next year.
6. Hippie Burnout
Eternally time stuck in the year Jerry Garcia died, he’s a refugee from the Phish tour trying to give this corporate festival a Rainbow Gathering vibe by hippie hand dancing in front of the stage, playing hacky sack in the middle of the busy food court, and causing quaffs of patchouli to trail through the crowd behind his dreadlocks and moth-eaten poncho. He wants to sell you hemp jewelry, and have you watch his dog while he looks for his girlfriend. His girlfriend has three dirty-faced kids attached to herself with one long piece of gauze fabric, and is standing right by the stage speakers, permanently damaging the kids’ hearing for life. They’ve got skins if you’ve got bud. They don’t have enough money to leave on Sunday.
7. Lawn Chair Old Fart
A favorite of local-oriented festivals and country/bluegrass festivals, they show up at 7 a.m. because they hate waiting in ticket lines—only to set up their chairs in an annoying spot right in front of the stage and wait seven hours before the first band starts. Usually traveling in couples or groups of couples, they always make sure to tell each other before they get up to go somewhere to make sure nobody steals their lawn chair. They always clap, but they never stand. They bring their own lunch. If anything the least bit strange occurs, they will mercilessly stare at it until it completely stops. Wondering aloud why the music has to be so loud, they’re more concerned about what the weather might do than what band is next. They’ll report you to security for smoking pot.
8. Industrial Art Exhibitionist
Arriving to the fest in a 1992 Toyota hatchback converted into an “art car” to look like a robotic land shark constructed from found objects and tiny bits of cracked mirrors epoxied to fiberglass, they put out Herculean efforts to prove how much cooler and expressive they are than you. A cross between Beetlejuice and Mad Max, they’re decked out in knee high tank boots, a trench coat with the sleeves cut off and the collar starched to stick straight up, and steampunk goggles and top hat. A favorite of the Burning Man Festival, they protest against economic injustice in the world by suspending themselves by their nipples from a flagpole for five straight hours.
9. The Outlaw
Riding up to the festival on a $25,000 Harley Davidson and parking even closer than the handicapped spots, he wants you to think he’s a tough outlaw from the streets, but his six-figure managerial position at a cubicle farm helped pay for his VIP tickets. He’ll be sweating his ass off in full leather chaps, black vest, and skeleton-printed skull cap, but that’s okay because he looks tough with his goatee and faded upper arm tattoo. A true dinosaur if there ever was one, he thinks Hank Williams Jr. and .38 Special are still culturally relevant. He chides that the asshole Douche Rockets starting a fight over near the beer tent probably drive Kawasaki’s, and is right. He thinks this festival is okay because at least there’s no “Obama voters” in the crowd.
10. Blogger / Journalist
Self-important because he’s here on business while everyone else is having fun and enjoying music and friends, he’s constantly having to update his live blog for his seven sympathy followers. Whether standing in front of the stage 30 minutes early with a schedule in one hand and a camera in the other, or bugging bands back stage for interviews when all they want to do is relax and smoke pot, he always looks incredibly skewed in his priorities and quietly desperate. He eats his lunch on the go, and semi-rudely pushes through the crowd to get to his next “assignment.” He sees the other attendees at the festival as easily-compartmentalized Archetypes as opposed to cool people just trying to enjoy themselves at a music festival.
Bonus:
11. Millennial Costumer
Thinking their favorite corporate festival is just another version of Halloween or Mardi Gras, they show up dressed in cheap full-body costumes from Hobby Lobby, and carrying sings that make no sense to anyone but themselves, like a picture of Alf or a Converse low top. One of the days of the fest, they all dress up in U.S.A. gear ironically. A bulls-eye of the Bonnaroo demo, after college they want to start a culturally-responsible local food business. They’re at this festival to be seen.
12. Agro Heavy Metal / Emo Guy
Dressed in all black, long sleeves, and white facepaint for a festival day forecasted to get to 97-degrees, their greasy long hair is purposely cascading down in front of their face, and they walk around the festival ground with a scowl on their face indicative of The Crow. They annoyingly try to start mosh pits during completely inappropriate times.
Enjoy Every Sandwich
June 24, 2015 @ 10:01 am
Since concert photography is one of my hobbies, I probably fall closest to #10, although it won’t be long before I qualify for #7 as well.
Noah Eaton
June 24, 2015 @ 10:04 am
You forgot one! 😉
*
#13: “‘Country’ DJ Who Actually Doesn’t Know Shucks About DJing 101” 😉
Tom
June 24, 2015 @ 12:47 pm
Any radio announcer who refers to himself as a DJ in this day and age is suspect to begin with. That term went out of style in the radio industry 20 years ago, partly because radio announcers stopped spinning discs and partly so they wouldn’t be confused with cheesy slicksters who do sound and light shows for second-rate wedding receptions and cheap bar owners.
Noah Eaton
June 24, 2015 @ 9:21 pm
Oh, I agree.
It was more a cheeky bid to the crop of “country DJs” like Deejay Silver and DJ Dean Michaels who are absolutely oblivious to the art of remixing popular hits and yet are popping up all over weekend country radio programming (“Buckwild” is an atrocious example) and are invited along to accompany A and B-listers on tour. 😉
Because I’m typically one who is lyrics first, I don’t go out of my way to seek remixes unless they pertain to EDM. But they do have a place and serve a purpose and I can respect it when a producer shows effort into reimagining an original work and making it into something else that’s distinctive. That’s not easy to do.
So-called “country DJs” are miserable failures when it comes to remixing tracks. Aside from the fact I want to hear original versions of songs when I decide to turn on the radio dial, all they do is lazily play the original audio track over a steady, simplistic processed beat. It’s insulting to call that a remix.
Matty T
June 24, 2015 @ 10:07 am
I have to object to the notion that .38 Special & Bocephus aren’t relevant but man, I got a good laugh out of this one. I saw nearly every type described here at Merlefest this year and saw more of the Over-Prepared Expensive Gear Dudes than I can count. Still the best festival out there, though.
CountryKnight
June 24, 2015 @ 10:13 am
Number 5 is easily the most annoying archetype on the list.
Acca Dacca
June 24, 2015 @ 10:14 am
I don’t know, number 3 gets my goat…
Russ Goldman
June 24, 2015 @ 11:07 am
Definitely No. 3! Every festival I have been to the last 2 years and almost every festival broadcast on AXS is full of this type.
Cobra
June 24, 2015 @ 4:26 pm
I have to agree with Acca Dacca. Number 3 is a pain in the ass at any concert.
Marky mark
June 25, 2015 @ 3:30 pm
I vote for number 3 as the worst of the bunch. At the Jason aldean concert I went to a few weeks ago (I know, whatever, I like him, sorry, save the comments, focus on the story), aldean was signing shit during the encore and a number 3 came up and pushed in between my wife and me to the stage (we were up front at the stage), holding out one of her cowboy boots and she SCREAMED repeatedly in my ear, “SIGN MY BOOT!” As if being deafened wasn’t enough, the boot smelled so badly of foot fungus that both my wife and I simultaneously looked at one another and cringed. #3s apparently need to bathe more frequently.
Acca Dacca
June 24, 2015 @ 10:16 am
That hipster in the picture under number 5 must be Michael Jackson Montgomery’s long lost brother…
Brett
June 24, 2015 @ 10:17 am
Oh man, No. 7 made me laugh. It shows up in force at any local event. My buddy and I used to go to an Irish festival every year, and we’d show up at what we believed was a respectable hour (well in the a.m., well before any headliners). Couldn’t get anywhere close. Who arrives at sunrise for an Irish festival?
Clint
June 24, 2015 @ 10:20 am
A.K.A:
12 Reasons To Never Attend Another Concert For The Rest of My Life
Herbie
June 24, 2015 @ 10:24 am
I’m glad you included yourself. Nice touch.
Scotty J
June 24, 2015 @ 10:48 am
Come on Trigger you have more than seven followers!
Trigger
June 24, 2015 @ 10:56 am
Dude, but festival live blogs are a hard sell. The last one I did 2 years ago for Willie Nelson’s 4th of July Picnic, I might be embellishing it to say 7 people followed along. A decent amount of people read it afterwards, but man, it was a whole lot of work for not a lot of interest. And here I am contemplating doing it again for his 4th Picnic this year. The lineup is so killer though, maybe I can pull a few more folks away from BBQ for a couple of hours.
Scotty J
June 24, 2015 @ 11:16 am
I guess it’s hard to feel a part of something that may be going on hundreds or thousands of miles away and which you have no live access to through TV or online so I can see why it would be tough to live blog unless there was some direct tie in where video could be posted which would obviously be a lot of work and probably unfeasible for a number of reasons.
Maybe just a post festival review type thing with some newsy tidbits thrown in?
hoptowntiger
June 25, 2015 @ 7:12 am
I loved that 4th of July picnic live blog!
Scott
June 24, 2015 @ 10:55 am
Hilarious and true! I like the guy who is always taking selfies with every good looking woman he can find.
Derek
June 24, 2015 @ 11:19 am
14. The Song Fan who goes to hear his or her current favorite song on the radio and requests it after every song, knowing full well it will be played.
*Other variations of include The “Free Bird” Moron or the “Wagon Wheel” Idiot
Though I guess this could be applied to every concert ever and isn’t only applicable to Summer Festivals.
Fayettenam Brad
June 24, 2015 @ 11:24 am
When I saw Jason Isbell there were a couple of “Outfit” idiots…….He said that he plays it at every show but never right after someone yells “Outfit”!
Jack Williams
June 24, 2015 @ 1:24 pm
Then when he hears his favorite song, he high fives/chest bumps his buddies, yells Wooooooooohhhh!, talks to his buddies about how he loves this song, chugs his beer, yells Wooooooooooohhhhh! a few more times… Next thing you know, the song’s over. Man, that was fucking GREAT!
Derek
June 24, 2015 @ 1:32 pm
And then he leaves. Regardless of how much show is left.
Bob
June 24, 2015 @ 11:31 am
“He”™s the guy ENT”™s are always fetching out of the crowd on a stretcher. He strikes up a conversation with you in the pisser.”
Why would ear, nose, & throat specialists carry people away on stretchers at a music festival. This makes no sense.
Trigger
June 24, 2015 @ 11:44 am
Maybe he needed an emergency tonsillectomy.
The extra hump has been added.
Courtney
June 24, 2015 @ 11:38 am
#4 gets me. I went to a DAC show and there were these guys that were like #1 and of course they had that oversized goofball type with them. They were loud and obnoxious and as soon as Coe stepped on stage that biggest one was up my ass for the rest of the show. I’d have gut punched him if I could’ve actually had him feel it through his massive beer belly.
martha
June 24, 2015 @ 12:56 pm
That picture on #1 is hilarious!
JF
June 24, 2015 @ 1:06 pm
That was great. I am probably closest to a 7, “Lawn Chair Old Fart.” Usually there when the gates open, with a book to read while I wait. I won’t narc on you for pot smoking, though.
I once stood next to a guy at a Randy Rogers show who spent the WHOLE F$%KING SET with his back to the stage, screaming at his bro’s about how much he “f%^king loves Randy Rogers.” Whole set. Felt like tapping him on the shoulder to let him know Randy Rogers was, in fact, playing live right behind him. Didn’t want to interrupt his monologue though so I didn’t.
Robby
June 24, 2015 @ 1:08 pm
I’ve encountered every one of the examples given, However, there’s one glaring omission…
The dirty, shirtless guy that wanders up and makes himself at home at your campsite and immediately tells you he’s “trippin’ fuckin’ balls” and asks if you’ve got any acid handy.
Trigger
June 24, 2015 @ 1:44 pm
Maybe a subspecies of the Hippie Burnout.
mark f
June 24, 2015 @ 1:17 pm
How bout the rich business dudes of all ages, out with their college buddies, and hammered out of their minds.
and the swamp booted mud pit stompers.
good laughs, thanks.
Stephen
June 24, 2015 @ 1:19 pm
#1 is hilarious. Those dudes are out in force at Stagecoach drinking their Natty Lite and acting like total assclowns. The bikini-topped girls are easy on the eyes though.
The Ghost of Buckshot Jones
June 24, 2015 @ 1:34 pm
Oh lord, #3: “She thinks the urinal in the Port-O-John is a purse holder.”.
I’ve seen this, in person. I’ve pulled a purse out of the urinal.
Dusty
June 24, 2015 @ 2:12 pm
Haha. This is hilarious. I probably come closest to the overpaying overprepared guy because I wear hats, globs of sunscreen, and whatever else it takes to avoid burning. More often, though, I’m the guy who intended to go to the festival, forgot to buy tickets, and then spent the weekend watching Netflix instead.
For what it’s worth, I would follow some coverage of Willie’s picnic.
Stephen
June 24, 2015 @ 3:42 pm
SiriusXM is broadcasting live Willie’s Picnic on the channel called Willie’s Roadhouse.
BEH
June 24, 2015 @ 2:51 pm
Good list. I would like to add the “overly aggressive cougar” to the list. Dresses half her age. Is wasted since 9am and always seems to be causing the fights between the duche rockets.
Derek
June 24, 2015 @ 6:00 pm
I’ve been hit on by “the overly aggressive cougar” at a Kip Moore concert at Summerfest in Milwaukee
Jason
June 24, 2015 @ 3:05 pm
I haven’t laughed so hard since I saw that video for Withdrawals 🙂
3 and 7 are the most common; also, the people who stand right in front of the stage by the speakers and then complain that the music is too loud are particularly amusing. They’re the cousins of 7, and they never seem to understand when the people in front say to move back, because if they move a step back they “might as well not be at the concert” for some arbitrary reason.
There was also a girl who fits #3; she thought an acoustic guitar was an electric guitar and that the fiddle was a banjo. I don’t even know how it’s possible to mix those up. She was probably well past a little drunk.
Anthony
June 24, 2015 @ 3:25 pm
I thought I was gonna end up making this list haha. Glad I didn’t.
Charlie
June 24, 2015 @ 3:53 pm
Didn’t see it exactly on the list but there’s the person who records the whole show on his phone. I had one in front of me this year and I don’t think he recorded more than a minute of the concert. He recorded everything else because he was so drunk. The ceiling, crowd, floor etc
Lil Dale
June 24, 2015 @ 4:41 pm
why are u still pickin on justin rose, trigg? yes hes hipp, but hes won of the coolest dudes in east nashvile bro. and hes got a grate band.
Donny
June 24, 2015 @ 5:19 pm
Fuck, I am totally the Douche Rocket. But I also grew up on a farm and love my traditional country music. Comes hand in hand when you play hockey I guess..
sonas
June 24, 2015 @ 6:41 pm
🙂
RD
June 24, 2015 @ 7:21 pm
Western PA is littered with #1’s. Watch the videos of those fights from the Chesney concert a few years back.
I have to quibble with your depiction of LL Bean. Their prices are actually fairly reasonable, but the real reason I shop there is because when you call their customer service line, a middle-aged, English speaking woman with a Maine accent picks up on the first ring….
Eric
June 24, 2015 @ 8:30 pm
Ha! Good thing that I do not need to experience any of these types first-hand, since I have no interest in going to concerts anyway.
By the way, that old hippie burnout must be quite rich if he has a girlfriend that young. Maybe we should add a sub-plot for this character: born around 1950, served in Vietnam in the late 1960s, came home disillusioned and was an anti-war hippie through the early 1970s, later on got a job on Wall Street and became a rich “yuppie” by the 1980s, retired just before Wall Street collapsed, and now spending his golden years with a girlfriend 3 decades younger than him who already has kids from a previous relationship but dumped her former boyfriend in favor of the old hippie because the latter has loads of money…
Noah Eaton
June 24, 2015 @ 9:30 pm
Oh, I haven’t yet declared which archetype (s) I best fit. =)
I’d say I’m somewhere between #8 and #11. I know some of you insist I’m #10, but beyond this forum I actually am laid back and an eccentric pleasure seeker. What can I say? I’m a model! I like to be festive fashion forward! ^__^
Topher
June 24, 2015 @ 9:51 pm
That was a good laugh.
#3 is super annoying. As well as anyone who spends the entire time watching the concert through their phone. Put the thing away, it’s just going to look/sound horrible when you re-watch it anyways.
Related note: was at an Aaron Pritchett show about a week ago. All the girls at the front of the stage kept wanting him to take selfies from the stage with them. He must have taken like 30 pictures mid-show. That pissed me off hard. I paid to watch you perform. Not to turn your back to the crowd and take pictures for your whole set.
Scotty J
June 24, 2015 @ 9:55 pm
The horrible phone people have infected so many parts of our culture from concerts to sporting events to children’s activities. I can’t figure out why some of these even bother going to the actual event. And what to they get from these recordings really.
RD
June 25, 2015 @ 5:59 am
The obsession with taking pictures, whether on an intelligent phone or a camera is incredibly obnoxious. I get pissed at certain members of my family who ruin nearly every event by taking thousands of pictures. A vacation used to be about relaxing and spending time with family and friends. Now it is one endless photo shoot, where I am constantly herded into various line-ups to get pictures with every imaginable combination of family members, lest we leave something out. 99.9999% of the pictures are relegated to the digital graveyard never to be seen again.
I do a lot of hunting, finishing, camping, etc. and I’ve visited a lot of beautiful places. I used to take a moderate amount of pictures. About 10 years ago I stopped bringing my camera altogether. All the memories I need are in my brain. The great benefit is that I am actually able to enjoy my trip, and I don’t waste half of it trying to get the perfect picture. People can’t believe it when they ask to see some pictures and I tell them I don’t have any.
Fuzzy TwoShirts
June 25, 2015 @ 5:29 pm
the last time I played Wheatland I saw most of these, including a chick who gave hugs instead of tips, and a guy with a garden gnome he called Emilio, he insisted the gnome give me a tip and shake my hand. Bought that Kenny Baker/Josh Graves duets album there.
Joco Blake
June 25, 2015 @ 6:29 pm
Hey trig u forgot one , phone guy he holds his phone up the entire show so all you can see is a four inch screen & then posts videos with shitty audio & camera angles so shaky viewers are in danger of stroking out
Janice Brooks
June 26, 2015 @ 10:47 am
Give me somewhere that I can sit with friends a few rows back and have access. Most events I go to I know enough of the acts to get what I need to blog. But I’m guilty of constantly haveing my phone or camera in hand.
The biggest events I go to are Bluegrass festivals.
jeffro
June 26, 2015 @ 11:20 am
Good stuff, Kyle. Speaking of live blogging, I was big-time disappointed that you didn’t live blog the CMT awards this year. I’m not kidding. You owe it to us.
Trigger
June 26, 2015 @ 12:08 pm
Yes, yes. I was so busy at the time covering stories about people dying in the country music world, I just wasn’t up for jackassedry, and frankly didn’t have the time. When I do a live blog for an awards show, I truly am making the stuff up as I go along, so if I’m not prepared and in the right mindset, it can really suck. There will be more snarky live blogs in the future I’m sure.
jeffro
June 29, 2015 @ 2:41 pm
You’re the heir apparent to the throne of jackassedry. The sitting kings & queens host those shows. You make them palatable to real country music lovers. The court jester.
GriddlePickers
June 28, 2015 @ 8:05 am
Aw, the lawn chair folk aren’t so bad! They might not stand to clap, but they are the kinda folk that nod along approvingly, and after your set compliment you in the most earnest manner possible!
Seriously though, super funny post. I would amend to include blue-collar drunk: the hard-workin scruffy guy in plaid who could be anywhere from 30-60, who hangs out in the pub tent the entire festival and loudly comments on the band’s playing.
Fred Flintstone
July 7, 2015 @ 6:15 pm
You left out my favorite. The “Put me up on your shoulders chick” who is 10 rows from the stage but feels the need to get a better view on her boyfriends(usually a douche rocket) shoulders and blocking the view of hundreds of people behind her.