The American Country Countdown Awards Already Suck

Hey Yeah, Kix Brooks My Man!

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Actually Sorry Kix, But We Just Decided…

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The only thing worse than a country music awards show is four of them. It feels like these annual earaches are multiplying like a pestilence in country music and the music world beyond, and now we have yet another machination of forced television pageantry to contend with. Say hello to the “American Country Countdown Awards”—the Busch League of country music award shows, and the replacement of the now apparently defunct “American Country Awards.” Yeah, sorry all you previous ACA winners, but it looks like those trophies are being rendered even more meaningless than they were before.

american-country-countdown-awards-2Since the ACA Awards were fabricated out of thin air by FOX to screw with the other networks who carry legitimate country awards shows with actual history, the show has featured B-level country talent, bad sound and performances, forced gratitude by award recipients, shitty hosts (aside from Kristin Chenoweth, she kicked ass in her own perky way), and a general low production-value presentation. They hope to change that all this year by bringing Dick Clark Productions in the mix—the same brain trust behind the ACM’s, or Academy of Country Music Awards, which would seem like natural competition, but what do I know?

One thing that apparently won’t change from the ACA’s to the American Country Countdown Awards is their history of shafting country music’s female artists. In 2011 the show ran down the 10 greatest “Artists of the Decade” and didn’t include even one female performer. Not even one out of the ten spots they had to fill. And this year in typical ACA, or ACCA (is that right?) form, there are no female nominees for their Song of the Year, no female nominees for “Digital” Song of the Year (like this deserves its own category), no female nominees for Breakthrough Artist of the Year, and no female nominees for Artist of the Year (though Lady Antebellum is somehow gerrymandered in there and is 1/3rd frau). Miranda Lambert’s Platinum is the only female Album of the Year nominee as well.

Oh and get this: Aside from the Breakthrough Artist of the Year category, the winners are chosen by aggregating airplay and touring stats from Soundscan and Mediabase and such, so pretty much anyone can sit there with a calculator and figure out who the winners are going to be before the first joke from hosts Florida Georgia Line falls flat. Watching those flunkies up there trying to read off a teleprompter might be the best entertainment all night. Kix Brooks was supposed to host the thing because he’s the American Country Countdown guy, but he’s all old and shit so let’s act like he doesn’t exist come TV time. Luke Bryan, Miranda Lambert, and the FGL boys are also scheduled to spare the crowd to death with performances. It’s all happening on December 15th at 8 PM Eastern if you want to tune in while wrapping presents to laugh your ass off.

Here’s their stupid nominees. Get and extra chuckle off the “Song of the Year” contenders. Maybe Saving Country Music will do a live blog if I’m bored.

Artist of the Year

  • Jason Aldean
  • Luke Bryan
  • Florida Georgia Line
  • Lady Antebellum
  • Blake Shelton

Male Vocalist of the Year

  • Jason Aldean
  • Dierks Bentley
  • Luke Bryan
  • Randy Houser
  • Blake Shelton

Female Vocalist of the Year

  • Danielle Bradbery
  • Miranda Lambert
  • Cassadee Pope
  • Taylor Swift
  • Carrie Underwood

Album of the Year 

  • Crash My Party, Luke Bryan
  • The Outsiders, Eric Church
  • Here’s To The Good Times, Florida Georgia Line
  • Just As I Am, Brantley Gilbert
  • Platinum, Miranda Lambert

Song of the Year

  • “When She Says Baby,” Jason Aldean
  • “Beat of the Music,” Brett Eldredge
  • “Lettin’ the Night Roll,” Justin Moore
  • “Drink To That All Night,” Jerrod Niemann
  • “Chillin’ It,” Cole Swindell

Breakthrough Artist of the Year

  • Brett Eldredge
  • Tyler Farr
  • Kip Moore
  • Thomas Rhett
  • Cole Swindell

Group/Duo of the Year

  • The Band Perry
  • Eli Young Band
  • Florida Georgia Line
  • Lady Antebellum
  • Zac Brown Band

Collaboration of the Year

  • “This Is How We Roll,” Florida Georgia Line featuring Luke Bryan
  • “Small Town Throwdown,” Brantley Gilbert featuring Justin Moore and Thomas Rhett
  • “Meanwhile Back At Mama’s,” Tim McGraw featuring Faith Hill
  • “My Eyes,” Blake Shelton featuring Gwen Sebastian
  • “We Were Us,” Keith Urban and Miranda Lambert

Digital Song of the Year

  • “Burnin’ It Down,” Jason Aldean
  • “Drink A Beer,” Luke Bryan
  • “Play It Again,” Luke Bryan
  • “Dirt,” Florida Georgia Line
  • “This Is How We Roll,” Florida Georgia Line featuring Luke Bryan