The Moonshine Bandits “My Kinda Country” (A rant)

(WARNING: Heavy language)

I’ve been keeping one eye on The Moonshine Bandits for a while now as one of these bands that could potentially benefit from the genre barrier Jason Aldean broke with his country rap hit “Dirt Road Anthem” in 2011. I determined very early they were not one of the country rap acts I told people to look out for in my Survival Guide to Country Rap that actually bring artistry and respect two the merging of the two artforms, but as long as The Moonshine Bandits music remained confined within the demographic of gas-huffing Maury Povich watchers who glam onto whatever dominant culture is presented to them through corporate media to feel accepted, then it was of little concern.

And even though many of their moronic songs defined everything that is bad about modern music and contained some specific issues with things I hold dear, the music was so bad (aside from it’s accidental comedy value, of which there’s a lot) it wasn’t even worth criticizing. Well unfortunately now their filth has oozed out of the meth labs and other such hovels of America’s uber-scum to infect Country Music Television in the form of a new song and video called “My Kinda Country”.

This song is the worst song ever presented to the country music masses for consumption, period. Ever. An 11-year-old boy who just swallowed a Chinese toy laced with the date rape drug could write deeper lyrics. It’s a musical abortion. I’d rather eat the out the asshole of a roadkill skunk than listen to this. It’s so bad, birds refuse to shit on it. “My Kinda Country” takes the three worst country songwriting formulas of country rap, a laundry list song, and a faux “Proud American” song and combines them into the ultimate perfecta of musical stool.

I kept waiting on that homeless, Rick Rubin-looking dude to take his Epiphone and crack these two Jabba-looking knuckleheads in the jowels. And who wears their own shirt, advertising themselves? Isn’t that even not cool in the hip hop culture? And what the hell is up with their indecision?

I THINK I like what I see. I THINK I love who I meet. I THINK I’m proud to be free. I GUESS this is my kinda country.

You think? You guess? Which one is it? And just because you play with your privates, and every time you move your bowels it causes the same destruction as an improvised roadside explosive device, that doesn’t mean you have any military cred my friend. Sure, you bought a .59 cent Made in China American flag bandanna at Wal-Mart and your grandfather fought in the big one, but so did the rest of ours.

But the worst part about this song is it’s such an unveiled attempt at radio play and “mainstream sensibilities” it’s sick. The Moonshine Bandits should stick to what they’re best at, swinging their arms back and forth in urban rap gesticulations making their arm tubbage undulate while calling the people who don’t like their music “motherfuckers”.

Now I’m being serious here. All the stupid name-calling and sarcasm aside, these opinions and fun poking are based on my specific musical tastes, but I always believe artists should be measured against themselves first, and what The Moonshine Bandits do in “My Kinda Country” is sell themselves out, sell themselves short by seeking mainstream acceptance in such an overt attempt that flies in the face of their self-constructed image as country rap “Outlawz”.

Even if I was a true Moonshine Bandits fan, this song would embarrass me, and make me wonder why they want to convert mainstream fans to their tunes. That doesn’t seem very “hardcore” to me. And this selling out of their own core principles, however flawed they were to begin with, is what warrants the highest criticism, and is the reason the poison pen was deemed necessary here. Even someone like the country music Grimmace Colt Ford at least holds himself to his own low standards.

This video below is what The Moonshine Bandits should be doing, no matter how awful it is, because it’s who they are. And pay special attention to when they name drop Hank3 and Shooter Jennings. And as far as respecting country music, take special note of the line: “I’ll probably never see the Opry if I did I’d laugh.”

It’s great to see CMT supporting this filth, and I saw The Moonshine Bandits tweet in victory a few days ago when “My Kinda Country” passed Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” on their top videos. This is like two slop pigs fighting over the same turd.

Artists like The Moonshine Bandits pose as big of a threat to rural country culture and traditions as big box stores, mega churches, and Monsanto. All “My Kinda Country” does is make them a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Their front-running cultural filth preys on the disenfranchised of rural culture (especially young men) by getting them to identify with vice, misogyny, and over-consumption as replacements to traditional country values.

Two guns way down!