What The New American Idol Needs Is An Asshole
Warning: Some Language
I swear, when Donald Trump, the Ruskies, The Chi-Coms, and that wierdo in pajamas on the North Korean peninsula all enact global thermonuclear war over a misunderstanding on Twitter, the only thing left on Earth will be cockroaches, Keith Richards, and American fucking Idol. Somewhere, in a bunker 500 feet below the ground, Ryan Seacrest will be saying “dim the lights,” and holding everyone in suspense for 17 damn minutes before he announces the latest contestant to get bumped off the show so the local news can start—as we’re all forced to watch with our eyelids taped open in eternal unrelenting Hell.
This dog just won’t die. Last time I remember reading about American Idol, the franchise was an incredible $398 MILLION in debt. That was against $73 million in assets, and $10 million in cash on hand. As you can imagine, these were financial disclosures that emerged as the company was declaring bankruptcy. As the late great Bill Paxton once famously said in Aliens, “Game over, man.” The ratings for the final few seasons of the show were complete shit. American Idol went from a perennial #1 in oughts to being ranked 41st for the final performances in its 14th season. Not surprising, the 15th season was declared the final one.
The show lost all of its original judges like rats fleeing the ship. It hasn’t launched a bona fide superstar since George W. Bush was President. Every single indication is that people are so done with American Idol and don’t want any part of it. And so why exactly do we think it’s going to work better this next time around? Is one measly year off enough to recharge the appetite for this show?
ABC, who has purchased the franchise, apparently thinks so. But more than likely they see what NBC has done with The Voice, and they want a piece of action in the reality TV singing competition space themselves. But I’m telling you, it will never work, unless that instill the one component that made the original American Idol even the slightest bit compelling and relevant: An asshole.
You think people watch these shows for the display of natural talent? You think America is that mesmerized by singing? Bullshit. The only reason The Voice is successful is the bromance and fake feud between Blake Shelton and that dude from Maroon 5. The only point of the contestants is to make the judges look good as they ply their cliché’s passed off as guidance to these cannon fodder amateur open mic scabs. Yes, The Voice and American Idol back in the day have seen some really stellar vocal talent, but it takes more to be an artist. And even the true artists that slip through these reality show systems face diabolical odds at actually developing into something.
Simon Cowell, who was one of the original judges on American Idol—the only one willing to be honest with contestants, and usually to a rain of boos from the audience—has already said he’s not coming back. “My memories are when we first started. It was a different time with Randy [Jackson], Ryan [Seacrest] and Paula [Abdul],” Cowell recently said to Extra. “You can’t re-create that.” If you want to know how bad Idol got after Cowell fled in 2010, remember he was replaced by none other that Steven Tyler. Not exactly a tit for tat.
In 2012 when American Idol added Keith Urban, Saving Country Music said at that time that the show needed an asshole, not and Aussie to pull out of the ratings tailspin it was in at the time. People don’t watch American Idol for powder puff judges who will pull punches and pander to the audience and the Nerfworld/participatory trophy society we live in today. Harry Connick Jr. tried to be critical and qualitative, but he didn’t have the delivery or boldness of Simon Cowell. Besides, all the housewives at home thought he was Chris Isaak.
Simon Cowell made American Idol compelling not just because you never knew what he was going to say, but he also kept the show honest because he was critical, which is such a crucial element to artistic evaluation that has been bled out of society by political correctness. Criticism is a vital part of the creative process that has been well-respected and valued throughout creative media since the very beginning of commercial art. The fact that criticism today is seen as attacks, bullying, slander, or something similar, is irresponsible and scary. Years from now, critics will be ostracized from society, and we shouldn’t be surprised if criticism is rendered illegal. You can directly track the death of professional criticism to the rise of crappy art. And featuring true criticism on a major stage such as American Idol—that is, if anyone actually tunes in again—could once again illustrate to society the importance of critical voices in the constructive evaluation of artistic endeavors.
American Idol during the Simon Cowell era was able to launch stars because contestants had been vetted and rendered battle ready by a truly critical voice. And when Simon Cowell gave his stamp of approval, you knew he meant it; you knew there was no pretense or politics behind it. That is one of the reasons The Voice has yet to launch a substantial star, and why the new American Idol will also fail to unless it brings in an asshole that America can believe is telling the truth. And if, and only if American Idol can launch a star again, will it be considered relevant enough for weekly watching. Otherwise, it’s just more red ink and bad reality TV waiting to happen.
Jason
May 15, 2017 @ 8:17 am
There have been a few people who have done well after the show when Simon was gone. Actually, in Simon’s last season, Lee Dewyze won, and he was the one Simon pimped and pushed on viewers. He ended up being a flop. The following year, Scotty McCreery won, and he had a platinum album and has had a successful career sans his dreaded ‘Southern Belle’ single. Phillip Phillips won the year after Scotty and his single was one of the best selling singles of all time. I wouldn’t give Simon credit for some of the success stories.
Simon was also only “honest” when it suited his agenda, and he would ignore when his favorite contestants would be pitchy. If you have seen him on The X Factor or Americas Got Talent, you would see he was a boring softie.
Katy Perry is rumored to be a new judge, and she has guest judged before and was blunt so hopefully she can dish out good criticism.
seak05
May 15, 2017 @ 8:37 am
The Voice is built to be a mentor show, and I appreciate that about it, it honestly is more fun for me to see people get helped (& I don’t mean by the coaches, they also have vocal coaches etc)..Also honestly the fact that BMLG couldn’t launch either Cassadee or Danielle is probably more an indictment of them (bmlg) & country music’s issues with women, they definitely have talent. And yes it is a guilty pleasure, and I will enjoy watching Kelly C on the show next spring. Do I wish they sometimes had more critic? yes. (although apparently it does happen more then you see, during the battles/knockouts, it just gets edited out).
Also it’s totally fine to be critical, and that has nothing to do with PC. It’s bullying when the critic becomes personal. Luke Bryan makes music I don’t like because I think it is lyrically generic…that’s a criticism. Luke Bryan is a douchebag because he wears tight jeans isn’t music criticism, neither is calling people ugly, whores, Gay (as an insult meant to attack “masculinity”) etc.
Raymond
May 15, 2017 @ 3:24 pm
Man I wish Danielle Bradbery would release a new single she is so talented!!
Scott S.
May 15, 2017 @ 10:11 am
I totally agree. I actually liked American Idol and am looking forward to it’s return. However, they need to bring back an actual music scout/producer or a star willing to actually critique the contestants. One of the things I hate most about the voice and the last few years of American Idol was that no matter how bad someone performed, the judges will tell them they were awesome. Either that or they ignore the performance and tell them how wonderful thier wardrobe is.
I miss Simon’s off the wall comments about how horrible some is. Or even Randy Jackson’s “It was alright dog. “
CountryKnight
May 15, 2017 @ 10:33 am
ABC dumps the highly successful Last Man Standing (8.1 million viewers) second only to Modern Family and decided to resurrect American Idol.
Hilarious.
Trigger
May 15, 2017 @ 10:53 am
I can’t make the math work here at all. I don’t how they expect this to be successful. This is the classic showbiz mistake in thinking if they sign the biggest celebrities they can, the viewers will come. When Blake Shelton joined The Voice, he was a B-level country star. He arguably remains one today. And Adam Levine wasn’t a household name by any stretch. And as much as I want to slam these guys, they’ve figured out a chemistry that American Idol never had after Simon Cowell left. This is all about the panel of judges, and if they don’t pick smartly, it will fail right out of the chute. They’ll get some curious first week lookers, and that’s about it.
Cool Lester Smooth
May 15, 2017 @ 11:11 am
It might be a good risk to take versus stuff like Last Man Standing, which is owned by FOX (so ABC doesn’t make any money from its syndication rights), doesn’t do well in the 18-49 demographic and has an extremely expensive star in Tim Allen, or Dr. Ken (which also does well) whose rights are owned by Sony.
This is a decent risk to take, if the year it’s spent off the air gives the network enough perspective to determine that they need to find the right asshole judge.
CountryKnight
May 15, 2017 @ 5:48 pm
Except 20th Fox was open to a reduction in price, ABC didn’t even try to negotiate and the 18-49 dropoff was a mere 5% compared to 20-30% for other shows. Plus, Last Man Standing was third in ratings for ABC shows. That is not shabby at all. That is top five. They renew other shows with less accomplishments.
We are talking about an industry which cancels sitcoms after just 5 episodes. Yet, they don’t even try to haggle for a show that has been successful? Hmm.
This article explains the situation well: http://deadline.com/2017/05/last-man-standing-canceled-by-abc-after-6-seasons-1202089263/
seak05
May 15, 2017 @ 3:32 pm
His music is mediocre, but I mean if Blake is B-list, country has like two A-listers….maybe. Blake is better at TV though than he is at music.
And um, among teenage, young 20’s girls…Adam Levine was definitely a household name at the time :p
Cool Lester Smooth
May 15, 2017 @ 5:58 pm
Yeah, even as “the guy from Maroon Five” he’s been a huge presence in the zeitgeist for the past 15 years.
Stephanie
May 15, 2017 @ 6:14 pm
Why do you always trash idol but praise the voice? The “chemistry” on there is forced and scripted. Idol’s last few seasons did a great job in chemistry.
Trigger
May 15, 2017 @ 6:17 pm
I trash Idol, AND I trash The Voice. I’m an equal opportunity hater here 🙂
Seriously, I think these TV competitions cheapen the music medium, but at the same time they have incredible reach and can be really important to music so it’s worth talking about. That is why I posted this.
Mike W.
May 15, 2017 @ 11:44 am
I’ll give American Idol credit for at least breaking a few artists (though the latter half of the Fox series seemed to not bear much fruit), which is more than anyone can say for The Voice. I’m still amazed The Voice is as popular as it is when none of the artists who seem to win have even 5 seconds of post-show fame.
CountryCharm
May 15, 2017 @ 12:19 pm
The Voice is popular because of the coaches chemistry and likability. It’s not a judging show but more of a hey you haven’t made in it in music let me give you some advice and try and beat the other coaches while we’re at it.
It’s a fun show and you get to see some good performances as well from thr contestants, coaches and they bring in some big acts as well around the finales.
Ronald
May 15, 2017 @ 12:37 pm
I am so excited about American Idol. It is one of the few shows we can sit and watch as a family and I don’t have to worry about what my twin 8 year old daughters will be exposed to. I think it is a great thing and I look forward to its return.
Adam
May 15, 2017 @ 2:52 pm
Axl Rose was a hell of a vocalist in his day and we’ll known for being a proper ass hole. He’d be a great fit.
TJ Neyland
May 15, 2017 @ 3:23 pm
I don’t think American Idol will last.
The Voice is gonna keep high rating and Idol will fail.
I believe this is true.
(For Now)
jimsouls
May 15, 2017 @ 5:06 pm
The Voice and American Idol. Reasons #4186 and 4187 why I don’t regret my decision to stop watching television
Bear
May 15, 2017 @ 8:10 pm
” all the housewives at home thought he was Chris Isaak.” I spat out some food at that comment. Living in the Bay Area where Chris is from that is surprisingly true in certain pockets here.
kapam
May 15, 2017 @ 8:13 pm
I enjoyed reading that Trigger. Frankly, I dislike “Idol” no matter what country it is from. Then again I don’t like The Voice either. If anyone had told me, in the early-to-mid nineties, that TV talent shows would one day become the arbiter of popular music taste and record sales, I would have either laughed in their face or slapped them in the face. Turns out that I would have been wrong. And yet, as far as I have heard (there are still some in my household that watch these shows) they’re still looking for the same singer – except they just want “this year’s model” instead of last year’s. I had to laugh when I read of Idol needing “an Asshole, not an Aussie”. Some might struggle to tell the difference there! LOL!
Anyways, I can’t imagine America discovering the next Sturgill Simpson, Cody Jinks or even Chris Stapleton via American Idol or The Voice. Good luck with that.
Dennixx
May 16, 2017 @ 10:34 am
Open casting call for the next American Idol asshole would be a great show itself.
DJ
May 16, 2017 @ 1:43 pm
If not for American Idol I would never have heard of Crystal Bowersox…… or Simon Cowell or Randy Jackson and I liked all 3. Mariah Carey didn’t impress me (in a good way) a whole lot, but I did like Jennifer Lopez. Didn’t care for the other 2 female judges whose names escape me, but, overall I enjoyed the show because it let us see some talented people given a shot. I fell in love with a couple of the girls :), and it is the only “network” show I watched outside of racing on Fox and NBC. I also think Scott Borchetta is ass hole enough. I doubt ABC will improve my opinion(s) on anything.
albert
May 16, 2017 @ 4:19 pm
” You think people watch these shows for the display of natural talent? You think America is that mesmerized by singing? Bullshit. The only reason The Voice is successful is the bromance and fake feud between Blake Shelton and that dude from Maroon 5. The only point of the contestants is to make the judges look good as they ply their cliché’s passed off as guidance to these cannon fodder amateur open mic scabs. Yes, The Voice and American Idol back in the day have seen some really stellar vocal talent, but it takes more to be an artist. And even the true artists that slip through these reality show systems face diabolical odds at actually developing into something.”
’nuff said Trigger