Woman Becomes Militant Lesbian After Hearing Little Big Town’s “Girl Crush”
“I used to be your average suburban mom of two. Trust me, I was very average,” says Susan Berkenstock of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. “Now I have spiked hair, wear checkered shorts and deck shoes everyday, and all I want to do is go camping.”
What was the cause of Mrs. Berkenstock’s lifestyle transformation? She claims it all happened while listening to the current country music hit from Little Big Town called “Girl Crush.” The song, which is supposed to portray the jealousy an ex girlfriend feels for her man’s new lover, has been characterized as “promoting a lesbian agenda” by some, though Little Big Town insists that’s not the case at all. Still, the story of Susan Berkenstock, who has since left her husband and kids, met a new girlfriend at a Unitarian church’s women’s volleyball tournament, and quit her job as a schoolteacher to become a correctional officer at the nearby penitentiary says “Girl Crush” is to blame.
“I had just dropped my kids off at the middle school when I heard the song on the Bobby Bones Show,” Berkenstock explains. “When the girl was singing about ‘I want to taste her lips,’ I don’t know, I just envisioned myself kissing a woman, and next thing I knew this rush of repressed desires and emotions came bubbling up inside of me, and all of a sudden I wanted to have sex with a woman and invest in timeshare property.”
But the lifestyle transformation did not just affect Mrs. Berkenstock’s behavior. Some claim her views on lesbian culture are “militant”— a claim she vehemently denies.
“It’s a horrible and hurtful stereotype to us lesbians to think that we all hate men. I don’t hate men per se, I just think they should all be systematically castrated and their reproductive organs harvested for artificial insemination purposes. Let’s face it, men are natural predators who start all the wars, and are the biggest perpetrators of discrimination and violence. And yes, I do think we should we should preach the virtues of the lesbian lifestyle to all of our girls and young women because they will live fuller, richer lifestyles as aggressive and empowered lesbians. But hate all men? Hardly.”
Though Susan Berkenstock says she no longer has any male friends and doesn’t listen to music performed by male artists, she says she still has a place in her heart for the two male members of the Little Big Town quartet, and one other male country star.
“Tim McGraw. He’s the only male music artist I still listen to. With his support of the Sandy Hook Promise gun control organization, hopefully we will finally have the funds to outlaw gun ownership in America and confiscate all of these evil weapons of murder from male predators. Besides, this must happen for the government to be able to implement forced castrations of all males down the road. Tim McGraw has the body of an aged lesbian bodybuilder these days anyway.”
Mrs. Berkenstock says she can’t wait for Little Big Town to perform “Girl Crush” with Faith Hill at the upcoming Billboard Music Awards. “That’s the perfect opportunity to spread the lesbian agenda to the masses, and hopefully it will be a big step in the dream to achieve world lesbian domination.”
Incidentally, another Little Big Town song called “Pontoon” is reportedly to blame for another act some are claiming to be subversive: the launching on the new CMT game show show called Pontoon Payday premiering on May 14th.
The Women’s Unitarian Volleyball League of Oshkosh could not be reached for comment.
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Fuzzy TwoShirts
May 4, 2015 @ 8:03 am
it’s funny you should post this Trig, last night I had a dream you posted a video of my band and at the end I was saying something about gay people. haha weird huh?
Kross
May 4, 2015 @ 8:30 am
I bet she’s really good at golf and softball too, and loves Orange Is The New Black.
Bill Goodman
May 4, 2015 @ 8:37 am
Is this a joke? Satire?
JC Eldredge
May 4, 2015 @ 8:53 am
Music is a powerful influencer. My husband thanks the Gods of Bro Country everyday that I listened to their words and finally stopped all that “women are people too” nonsense that was keeping me from my wifely duties. I now realize that my true place in this world is getting him a beer, sliding over in his truck on request and of course letting him stick his pink umbrella in my drink, whenever he wants. He often plays the songs that help me understand my priorities better while I’m in the kitchen, making him a sandwich.
Albert
May 4, 2015 @ 10:11 am
Fuuunnnnnyyyyy !!
Jackie Treehorn
May 4, 2015 @ 7:28 pm
That was awesome.
J Burke
May 4, 2015 @ 8:54 am
Hilarious!
Sam Jimenez
May 4, 2015 @ 9:01 am
Nice. 😀
Dan H
May 4, 2015 @ 9:36 am
You nailed it with the correctional officer job lol
Albert
May 4, 2015 @ 9:53 am
That’s it ..that’s all I needed to read . I’m becoming a lesbian . I realize now I’ve been harboring the same feelings and attitudes that Susan has. I suspected as much years ago… from the first Faith Hill video I saw . I’ve been so concerned that I’m a guy and couldn’t adapt …but hell… Bruce is ! As soon as I drop my kids at school tomorrow morning , I’m gonna do it . Thank God for country radio and the Big Little Towns .
SRM
May 4, 2015 @ 9:59 am
What have you got against Oshkosh, Trigger? 🙂
The Ghost of Waylon
May 4, 2015 @ 10:04 am
…
It’s not just the “outlaw bit” that’s out of hand anymore…..
Dusty
May 4, 2015 @ 10:46 am
This is exactly what I needed to read right now. And honestly, I’d take Little Big Town promoting a lesbian agenda over most everything else that I’m hearing on the radio these days.
Jeb Barry
May 4, 2015 @ 1:33 pm
Good thing she didn’t hear Godzilla by Blue Oyeter Cult
Ben
May 4, 2015 @ 1:49 pm
Love it Tigger… Lol!
Ben
May 4, 2015 @ 1:50 pm
*Trigger*, I meant….
PB
May 4, 2015 @ 3:46 pm
Why did she invest in a timeshare? I’m still sore from the castration.
therealbobcephus
May 4, 2015 @ 7:04 pm
It does not take a whole lot of brain cells to realize this song has NOTHING to do with homosexuality. There is not even undertones. If you ask me the song is actually pretty straight forward, and it’s about a girl lamenting the loss of her man to another girl. It’s not rocket science. Read the lyrics. It’s plain as day. The fact that this is even a discussion leaves me shaking my head. And this women did not become a lesbian because of a song. Doesn’t really work that way.
Dane
May 4, 2015 @ 7:45 pm
I turned total Lesbian when I first heard Lacy J Dalton. I straightened out tho, with the help of Ty Herndon. But then I turned on TNN and saw Terri Clark and I’ve been In the tribe since. In fact I led a nude Womyn’s March down Music Row when Sugarland became a duo.
Banner
May 4, 2015 @ 9:12 pm
Oh cmon trigger. April fools day was last month. Listening to the bobby bones show…. i might have actually bought the story hook line and sinker if you wouldn’t have tried to gild the lily with that whopper.
CountryKnight
May 4, 2015 @ 10:05 pm
Yeah, the Bobby Bones mention is what gave the game away for me.
Chase
May 4, 2015 @ 9:25 pm
I totally turn gay when I hear Brad Paisley. On the serious note, this kind of thinking is just wrong. “I don”™t hate men per se, I just think they should all be systematically castrated and their reproductive organs harvested for artificial insemination purposes. Let”™s face it, men are natural predators who start all the wars, and are the biggest perpetrators of discrimination and violence. And yes, I do think we should we should preach the virtues of the lesbian lifestyle to all of our girls and young women because they will live fuller, richer lifestyles as aggressive and empowered lesbians. But hate all men? Hardly.” Isn’t it funny how people that are Christians are thought to be hateful, when someone that is a lesbian can say this and that it is not thought of as hateful?
dave
May 4, 2015 @ 10:00 pm
For a site that started out to promote Hank lol wow…..
Heathbar09
May 5, 2015 @ 7:06 am
1) Some of you need to check your sarcasm meter. It’s sad that we have to point out that clearly this is a satirical piece from Trigger. (and a funny on at that).
2) It’s not about homosexuality. It’s about a woman’s jealously of another woman who is with the man she is in love with. It has nothing to do with promoting the homosexual agenda.
3) Even if it was about homosexuality, who cares? The conservative war on gay people is over. They’ve lost. Even the Pope has preached for us to accept gay people even if you still believe gay marriage is wrong. As Sturgill has said, “love is the only drug that ever saved my life.” Just be happy and let everyone else enjoy the same happiness.
HillbillyMusic
May 5, 2015 @ 8:44 am
Y’all owe me a new laptop. I spat my lunch all over it from laughing so hard after reading this. Absolutely brilliant!!
jeremy
May 5, 2015 @ 7:18 pm
Haha why oshkosh?? I’ve been to a couple parties there and now that you mentioned it, I have seen multiple girls making out with each other!! Lol
Big EO
July 23, 2015 @ 9:32 am
Little BiG Town… Take some of the letters away, and you’re left with LBGT. That’s pretty damn close to LGBT. Gay Jewish Illuminati-controlled media Conspiracy, or just coincidence? You decide…
Charles
June 21, 2018 @ 12:59 pm
Hahaha!