Aug
13

Worst “Country” Songs of 2012 So Far

August 13, 2012 - By Trigger  //  Down with Pop Country  //  78 Comments

What a banner year it has been for bad songs in country music. After 2011′s “Red Solo Cup” by Toby Keith and Jason Aldean’s country/rap “Dirt Road Anthem” the bar has been raised for how low you must go to get attention for your twilighting music career. I’m sure there’s even worse songs out there, but all of these selections were actually released as singles; put out there for mass consumption. Put a clothesline clip on your nose, a paper bag on your knee, and dive in…if you dare.

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5. Pontoon – Little Big Town

Little Big Town does its level best to shipwreck country music by jettisoning off any and all country roots and twang and inviting on board the most unabashed pop culture imagery and materialism in this stupid summer lake song. The only time a pontoon like this should make an appearance in country is when a bass boat is trolling by and its redneck occupants drop trow and moon these martini-sipping elitists. The eardrum-raping “tings” that make up the idiotic hook for this song sound like the noise that Satan would evoke when perpetually pulling out your pubic hairs one by one as the punishment for eternal damnation.

I hear mention of “motorboating” but unfortunately none of the sea hags in Little Big Town are endowed fully enough to pull the trick off. No, it’s not the choppy water, it’s this song that is making me want to blow chunks overboard.

4. Drinking Side of Country – Bucky Covington & Shooter Jennings

Shooter takes the ‘O’ out of country and pulls a Benedict Arnold by teaming up with pop country also-ran Bucky Covington (aka “The Nickeback of Country Music”) in this positively awful pop song. Not even Kenny Chesney has stooped to this level of music vapidness in his otherwise vapid career. Shooter has his Kool-Aid-drinking apologists selling out every one of their principles to defend their country music savior while he ca$hes in by the elevation of his cult of personality.

Want to know how pop this video is? It got 1 million hits in one day, more hits than any video Shooter has ever received during its entire lifespan. As we all know, sex and shitty music is what sells to the masses, and that’s what Bucky and Shooter deliver here. Oh and let’s not forget they changed the “Outlaw” lyric in the song so Shooter wouldn’t look like a hypocrite.

But all of this is forgivable, because hey, Shooter kissed my ass when I met him once.

I’m still waiting for someone, anyone to explain to me exactly what the hell “Drinking Side of Country” actually means. Anybody?… Anybody?…Bueller?

3. Somethin’ ‘Bout A Truck – Kip Moore

You know your song is lame and unimaginative when Mother Goose is suing you for royalties and mechanicals. There’s something about a truck? There’s something about some pop country douche in a backwards baseball cap ripping off the nursery rhyme “Hole in the Bottom of the Sea” accompanied by Richie Sambora-style stratocaster guitar that makes me want to insert a corkscrew into my earhole and start turning.

Apparently this song is about getting laid by some shallow chick. “On one occasion, [my car] broke down, so I asked my dad, ‘Pop, I need your truck.’ He said sure, so I took it to pick her up … It was like I picked up a whole other human. She was vibrant and all about me; she was all over me from the beginning of the date.”

But the girl that night discovered what the girl in the red dress in the video soon will: Kip Moore has no penis.

2. Corn Star – Craig Morgan

Yes my friends, this song actually exists, and was even released as a single. How do you out cornpone your corny competition? Make a pun about corn and insert into a sexually-charged urbanism (aka the Honky Tonk Badonka Donk songwriting formula). I can just see songwriters Jeffrey Steele and Shane Minor high fiving each other in the BMI building on Music Row, hoping this is the hit that takes them out of the cubicle farm to the corner office. But they’re not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you for buying into this worthless piece of drivel.

If you think “Corn Star” is funny, then the joke’s on you.

1. Truck Yeah – Tim McGraw

“Truck Yeah” picks up where Jason Aldean’s country/rap “Dirt Road Anthem” left off, blurring the lines between country and rap until you’re left with “crap”. Worst country song ever? Well see, we’re still early in “Truck Yeah’s” life cycle, but McGraw’s undeniable sellout moment and cry for relevancy debuted as his best single ever and is slowly making its way up the charts.

“Rap or country, city/farm, it don’t matter who you are…Are you one of us?”

All hail the death of variety, diversity, and contrast in popular American music!

78 Comments to “Worst “Country” Songs of 2012 So Far”

  • Man that truck yeah song is horrible

       6 likes

  • TRUCK YEAH!!

       6 likes

  • The best thing about that Shooter Jennings video, other than the babes, is his Scott H. Biram t-shirt. Fuck yeah!

       2 likes

  • The newest carrie underwood song should really be on here

       5 likes

    • That song got serious consideration. If this list stretched to 10 songs, it would definitely be on here, but I didn’t think people would be up for that much punishment.

         4 likes

  • You are awfully kind to listen to this country pop for us, Trig, so we don’t have to.

    I see these peoples’ CDs when I browse the country section at music stores (where I spend more time and money than I should), but I instinctively don’t buy CDs from artists who are with MCA, Sony, etc.

    In a perfect world, everyone I like would be with Sugar Hill or Heart of Texas, but it’s not always the case.

    When I don’t know something about an artist, I check his or her label and that tells me a lot.

    I don’t dislike all music played on country radio stations, just around 95%.

       5 likes

  • And the award for the best use of alliteration in a post this year goes to “perpetually pulling out pubic hairs.”

       6 likes

  • i can see myself getting drunk and singing along to the “red solo cup” chorus as a goof but these 5 songs arnt even good for that

       2 likes

  • More songs I can love to hate! Thanks Triggerman.

       1 likes

  • Ok I have to admit…the pontoon song and something about a truck is catchy even though they aren’t country at all.

       1 likes

  • LOL. That’s the first time I gave “Truck Yeah” a listen, I could not stop laughing after the ‘Lil Wayne pumpin on my iPod’. Just awful.

       8 likes

  • still harping on that Shucky Jennington video huh Triggerman?…the “Shanking Country Music” threat didn’t sway you into finally ignoring it?…lol

       2 likes

  • I would just love to see Karen Fairchild of Little Big Town get a pair of pontoon implants, then be featured in the Shooter & Sucky video, and next become a corn star while attempting to have sex on the hood of a Chevy Silverado with Kip Moore, and finally yell out “Truck Yeah” at the peak of excitement! It sure would beat the heck out of listening to this Top 40 AirHead Country dreck.

    I’m almost disappointed that Brantley Gilbert didn’t somehow make this next. Maybe next time…

       3 likes

  • I think “Drinking Side of Country” refers to the dual personality of rural Southerners with regards to drinking. On one hand, the rural South is the most conservative Protestant Christian area of the country, and has thus always been politically the most anti-drinking part of the country. During the 1920s, the South was the most pro-Prohibition part of America, and even today the vast majority of “dry” counties are in the rural South. On the other hand, rural Southerners have traditionally been poor, hard-working people who surreptitiously enjoy alcohol. That’s why the South was so famous for moonshine during the Prohibition era despite the overtly hard-core pro-Prohibition beliefs of the people there. In fact, the popularity of stock-car racing in the South arose from the Prohibition era, when such cars were used to race moonshine from place to place in order to avoid police.

    So that is the duality of rural Southern culture: the conservative Christian side and the fun-loving sinful side, with the latter represented most significantly by the “sinful” fun of drinking away a hard day. This duality has always been a central aspect of country music. “Drinking Side of Country”, therefore, seems to be an attempt to show the fun-loving side (i.e. the “drinking” side) of Southern country culture, as opposed to the conservative puritanical side of that culture.

       4 likes

    • very astute Eric, however it just may be some bullshit catchphrase

         1 likes

    • That’s a good, thought-out explanation, though I think you would have lost Bucky at “dual personality.”

         4 likes

      • Thanks. It’s possible that “drinking side of country” is a long-standing proverb in Bucky’s town or family that he picked up on to come up with the song’s title. The name may also have been invented by Ducky Medlock or Bucky’s brother Rocky, who co-authored the song with Bucky.

           1 likes

        • So, let me get this straight. The song was written by individuals named Bucky, Ducky and Rocky? I guess Huey, Dewey and Louie were unavailable, and that’s unfortunate because even those three would’ve been hard pressed to come up with as big a piece of shit as the actual writers.

             10 likes

          • if i may, let’s add moe, larry, and curley to that great songwriting trio list. the originals not the latest addition. though they would probably fit in better with the knucklehead writers on trig’s list.

               0 likes

          • Ha!

               0 likes

          • Larry, his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl……….

               4 likes

      • you really are “Mean”

           0 likes

    • Great synopsis…. – if we were talking about a Drive By Truckers song. A Bucky Covington song? Not so much…

      Still enjoyed the comment though…

         2 likes

    • WOW!!!! That’s an awful lot of lipstick your trying to put on that pig Eric.

      Even if I was drunk enough to entertain the notion that this goofy song embodies some deeper philosophical interpretation of the duality of southern culture, the song still sucks. And just because it has lyrics about drinking and being hicks out of place in the big ole city, doesn’t make it a country song.

         0 likes

      • Oh, it’s a pretty terrible song. You won’t get any argument from me on that!

        As for the title “Drinking Side of Country”, I couldn’t think of any other logical explanation of what the phrase might mean. Furthermore, the video for the song is pretty much entirely a depiction of as wide a range of “sins” as possible: not just drinking, but also promiscuity, theft, shooting paintballs, running from police, general rowdiness, etc. The phrase “drinking side” is used to encompass all of this “sinful” behavior. It appears therefore that the writers of this song are using drinking as a metaphor for “sin”. I was just pointing out how this particular metaphor has a long history in rural Southern culture, especially in country music. I highly doubt that the songwriters had any clue about any of the history that I discussed, but I think they do have at least cursory knowledge of country music and subconciously picked up the drinking-”sin” metaphor from past country songs.

           0 likes

        • I understand what you are getting at. But you are confusing the video directors portrait of Southern Culture ( which is actually quite offensive even if the chics are hot) with the goofy “we are hicks, we get drunk, and we are out of place in the city” song that is being played. It’s the intellectual equivalent of an Affliction t-shirt wearing douche. And nothing more than that. They get drunk and act like ass wipes and think it is as cool as this song. With absolutely no trepidation about it.

             0 likes

    • I have talked to dozens of guys who make/have made moonshine in the rural South. The majority have told me that dry laws had very little to do with a religious objection or moral objection to alcohol. Rather, the laws protect local moonshine production by keeping out legal competition. Its really a “small business” measure of sorts. The moonshiners tended to have powerful sway with local sheriffs, politicians, etc. There is nothing as wet as a dry county.

         2 likes

      • I suppose that you’re probably right about much of the reason why dry laws are in place nowadays. Historically, however, the key reason why dry laws persisted in the South while they disappeared everywhere else is for moral reasons. Even today, I suspect the only reason why so many regular rural Southerners (those who are not involved in the alcohol trade) continue to support dry laws while such support has disappeared in the rest of the country is due to morality.

           0 likes

  • The “tings” in “Pontoon” sound like Chinese music. Since pontoons are a major part of Southern Chinese (and also Vietnamese) culture, I wonder if that’s what that sound is subtly referring to.

       0 likes

    • You might be right. I actually like the fact that at least it isn’t another truck song though lol.

         3 likes

      • Yeah but it is another dumb summer lake song, which was cliche before truck songs were cliche.

           2 likes

        • Beggars can’t be choosers. They play a top 40 station at the bait shop I work at. Trust me. After “Truck Yeah” “Something bout a truck” and Jason Aldean’s new “Take a little ride,” the pontoon song sounds like a gift from god. LOL.

             7 likes

          • Sounds like you might outta ask god for some ear plugs instead.

               0 likes

  • I can’t believe it, but I haven’t heard any of these songs! Just 4 years ago I worked in the industry and could name every song on country radio. Now, I listen to Sirus (Outlaw and Willie Roadhouse) and read album reviews on this and a few other sites to make up my playlists on my ipod.

       2 likes

    • Other than the being in the industry bit, I’m in the same boat as far as my musical findings. If I have to listen to terrestrial radio though, we’ve got a pretty decent classic country station locally that I can go to.

         1 likes

  • The sad part about “Drinkin’ Side of Country” is that it’s ALMOST a good song.

    If it was a Shooter track, I don’t think any of us would have a big problem with it. Bucky has no talent though, and Shooter just bellowing out “we roll” in the background of the chorus is just a tremendous waste of talent, and sounds kind of “bloodhound” like. Throw in that ill-advised spoken-word part toward the end that just talks about sex and you’ve got the crap that it is. Seriously, this song could’ve been saved with a few choice edits when writing it.

    At least Kellie looks hot as hell in the video.

    “Truck Yeah”, “Pontoon”, and “Somethin’ Bout a Truck” are all equally stupid, though I at least get entertainment value from “Truck Yeah” showing an over-the-hill Tim McGraw desperately trying to stay relevant.

    I’ve saved Craig Morgan for last. I genuinely can’t stand the guy’s music. It’s been horrible since day one. He’s a no-talent poser that I can’t stand.

       2 likes

    • “This Ain’t Nothin” by Craig Morgan is a pretty great song, in my opinion.

         3 likes

    • I got draged to a craig morgan concert with some girls he stopped and asked the crowd if they would like to hear any song me and my group of people about 10 yelled whiskey river and he said he didnt know that song ….. and he does this weird thing with his head when he sings

         1 likes

  • they’re all total garbage with no redeeming social value and or values. that being said someone must be buying this crap. right? a sad commentary indeed.

       0 likes

  • I knew that Something bout a truck song was straight from a nursery rhyme. i just couldn’t remember which one but the second i heard i knew the melody. I never did like that song but my girlfriend loves it. I guess it beats hearing some one direction boy band crap. Although i do have to ask, whats wrong with using a strat? its a great blues guitar, and i think blues is part of country’s foundation. It can still get a nice twang sound out of it but it’s not too snappy. Plus i use a strat for my music :D i mean i would have a tele also but im just a poor student right now

       1 likes

    • Nothing wrong with using a strat, but traditionally electric guitar in country is done with the telecaster twang. I don;t have a problem with stratocaster in a country song per se, but when the style is the type used in that song, and the rest of the song is so bad, I’m gonna pick on it.

         0 likes

  • 5-1-5-0, somebody call the po-po by Dierks Bentley

       4 likes

  • I know this is not a Country song per se, but if you hate the Nickelback-ization of music here’s one for ya:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ii8u4GDCwRU

       0 likes

    • As Charles Barclay would say, “turrible.”

         0 likes

  • I came to a sad realization last night.

    Each of these songs by the metal group HELLYEAH are every bit as “country” as the five songs on this list.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyC5xTD_2po

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBaIQreV8Yk

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiveL3VfglM

    There is one key difference.

    HELLYEAH DOESN’T PRETEND THEY’RE COUNTRY! lol

    Even funnier? Two out of those three could be re-arranged to make a decent country song, other than “Drinkin Side of Country”, I’m not sure any of the top five from this blog could’ve been turned into one without a full-on re-write.

       0 likes

    • Never heard that group before. Interesting. But you’re right, modern country is nothing more that 80′s arena rock. Or rehashed rap.

         0 likes

    • I see what you’re saying, but Vinnie Paul is Southern metal royalty. He cut an album with David Allan Coe. He’s more country than this whole list combined.

         2 likes

      • That’s my point. These guys don’t claim to be country yet are closer to the mark than the so-called country songs that made this list, and a whole lot of others.

           0 likes

  • The list should read

    5. Wanted You More – Lady Antebellum
    4. Kissed You Good Night – Gloriana/ Why you wanna – Jana Kramer
    3. 5-1-5-0 – Dierks Bentley
    2. Come Over – Kenny Chesney
    1. Truck Yeah

    I really can’t believe Come Over didn’t make the list Triggerman you have failed me haha

       3 likes

    • “Come Over” and “5-1-5-0″ are only left off because of the strength of the field. If this list had 10 songs, they’d both be on there.

         0 likes

      • Sounds like the people want a follow up list, haha…

           0 likes

      • I thought 5-1-5-0 wasn’t a bad song

           0 likes

  • All those songs are horrible in every right but I think the butt fucking Rascal Faggots song “Banjo” should of been on the list if not #1, i would rather have a root canal without anesthia while getting my finger nails pulled out than listen to those gel headed frosted tip homo’s,

       2 likes

    • that song is terrible but if theres one redeeming quality it’s Glen Cambell’s daughter Ashley in the video…hotchie motchie

         0 likes

  • hey what about Taylor’s new song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”? Have you hear that…. In my opinion her worst song to date. Such a shame for a lead single.

       3 likes

    • Gonna have a full writeup about that song and Taylor’s announcement here soon!

         0 likes

    • sounds like a really (really) bad foster the people song i wonder if this is the song she cowrote with the singer from that band

         0 likes

      • No, she cowrote this one with the great Max Martin whose masterpieces include California Gurls and Last Friday Night. He also used to write for boybands and Avril Lavigne. I don’t understand Taylor Swift’s life choices.

           1 likes

  • Agreed on all of these songs. Except “Drinking Side of country”, haven’t listened to that one yet. But I would place “Something about a truck” at number 1 but then again, I think it’s the absolute worst song ever written.

       0 likes

  • When did Brown Chicken Brown Cow come out?

       1 likes

  • Brantley Gilbert’s kick it in the sticks is the worst of the worst

       0 likes

  • [...] What?  No PoPo?  [...]

       1 likes

    • I may have to do a separate review for that song to stave off controversy. I try to give ol’ Dierks the benefit of the doubt.

         1 likes

  • The LBT song may be the saddest because I’ve always found them to be fairly talented.You kind of expect crap like this from the rest on the list (well except for Shooter).It’s like they know they have to really dumb it down in order to get on the radio again.

       1 likes

  • Who is that fat-ass Larry the Cable Guy-looking country rapper? I can’t remember his name, but I’m sure he put out something trite and hackneyed this year. I couldn’t bear to click on any of those videos. When people tell me that they hate country music, I can see why. This stuff is meant to insult your intelligence and laugh in your face. If this were the only kind of country music that existed, a balanced, intelligent human being would have to hate it.

       3 likes

  • Why is it, country music today seems like really lousy rock/pop bands are trying to re-invent country music. 5 years ago some if not all of these songs and some of the vocalists/bands wouldn’t even be in a discount bin at the check-out counter.
    Gee..you win a “talent” contest,take the big bucks,and put out trash and rubbish, all the while,hiding under the cozy blanket of country music. Hey Taylor Swift go out and put your songs up against the popular female singers in Pop/R&B/Top 40 and then see how good your sales are for the year. Don’t try and be the little “country bumpkin” and skip up to the podium to collect all your awards and cash. Go play and sing like a Pop Diva, not as a country singer.There’s more to music than just getting your face in a video and your record listed in the top 10. It has to come from the heart and soul, from within yourself. Yes I do believe Alan Jackson and George Strait had it right and few years ago…”Murder on Music Row”. As for Tim and Toby….I’d be looking for new writers or at least go out and be a “normal” nobody for a few months,then try writing about it, from the heart from your experiences. Otherwise you might end up having to play from behind chicken wire…..ala “I Love this Bar”.
    And for Shooter…..hmmm, there ain’t nothing wrong in being different….BUT….remember where you came from and who’s family you’re from. Yes Waylon went out and changed the face of country….but he also stayed true to the music…..simple,easy to remember,and it always told a story,and you could sing it anywhere. Nothing wrong with getting a little away from mainstream, but if you go toooooo far, you end up being in a ditch somewhere you didn’t want to be.
    Just my thoughts…..yeah I’m old…..but I got to see all the good bands, the 1st time around!

       7 likes

  • Well I never heard any of these songs before. I haven’t listened to an over the air radio station in years. Except when I am in Upstate S.C. There are some really great college stations up that way. So I was curious to see what all these terrible Country songs sounded like. I have a very open mind and broad pallet when it comes to music. So I try to judge for myself rather than letting someone else’s opinion guide my musical tastes.

    Problem is, I never did hear a Country song. Not one. Terrible, cliche, mindless drivel that would be snapped up by the MTV watchers of the world. But no Country. Does a song now only need to be sung with a Southern accent ( 90% of the time with terribly over exaggerated fake one ) and be played on a station that bill’s itself as Country to qualify? In an age of the internet and the unprecedented access to the art form that is music. How does this stuff even sell as anything more than a novelty? I have heard more original music created by Weird Al Yanovic!

    Let’s really save Country music and completely quit referring to this shyte as Country music. It doesn’t even deserve the respect of being called Pop Country. That is just an insult to Pop Country legends like Jimmy Rodgers, Roy Acuff, Porter Wagner, Charley Pride, Kenny Rodgers, Dolly Parton, Alabama, Sawyer Brown, ect. ect. ect. If people refuse to accept it as Country, it won’t be able to bring Country down. Taco Bell Can’t call their taco meat beef anymore. These douches can’t call this Country anymore.

    Who’s with me?

       8 likes

  • Hi Triggerman, I thought you might like this article by Chet Flippo?

    http://www.cmt.com/news/nashville-skyline/1691927/nashville-skyline-trucks-grits-whiskey-fishin-holes-and-pop-and-rap.jhtml

    It pretty much makes all the points you’ve been making over the years.

       0 likes

  • How about putting the entire Colt Ford album on this list too?

       2 likes

  • I’ve got 16gb of music on the flash drive in my truck, so I’m usually blissfully ignorant of how bad my local country stations have become.

    Not after last night. I was eating at Don Carlos in Waco, Texas with some friends, and EVERY DAMNED SONG on this list was played within fifteen minutes of sitting down.

    The food, beer, service, and company were good, but I got musically gang-raped last night.

    I cranked up some Seasick Steve, then some Johnny Cash on the way home to soothe my sore ears.

       0 likes

  • Thanks to XM I had not heard any of these songs before now. There is no saving country music radio. My XM stations: 60 (although they play a lot of crap), 28, 30, 31, 32, 35, 36, and the public radio stations. Once in a while 56, but too much crap to wait through usually.

       0 likes

  • I just found this from Owen Bradley’s Quonset Hut photos. I think it says it all!

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151154121208734&set=a.220352388733.134314.220133323733&type=1&ref=nf

       0 likes

  • I’ve heard that God awful Pontoon song a handful of times when I’m flipping through radio stations so I googled it to find other people who think it sucks. I found this blog and I was not disappointed so thanks for the good Monday laugh! I’d also like to nominate that “Drunk on you” freakin’ song. I think I wrote more meaningful song lyrics when I was a third grader. I’ve really started to hate “country” music.

       1 likes

  • Wow! Though, I did favor “somethin bout a truck” when it first came out, it has been steadily overplayed to the point of hatred. But I totally agree with the rest of the songs. Tim McGraw is an all time favorite but his song choices over the last couple years have been absolutely horrendous. The rest of the songs all equally deserve to be number one on this list especially “Pontoon.” Such a terrible song. Good list all in all.

       0 likes

  • THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

    YOU ARE SPOT ON. oh my goodness. I thought I was the only one that thought like this.

       1 likes

    • ” I thought I was the only one that thought like this. “

      That just made my week. Glad you found us.

         0 likes

  • Anything by Kenny Cheezy or Sugarland SUCKS!!

    Embarassing even when listening alone.

       0 likes

  • Tim McGraw needs someone to slap him across the face and knock that stupid hat off. No originality, no talent, no nothing…. Just walk in the studio and read this nonsense and put it on a CD and people lap it up like a dog laps water. Shame on the public for acknowledging this garbage as music.

       2 likes

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