80’s Pop Star “Tiffany” to Go Country

So the pop star/actor to “go country” this week, is …drum roll please … 80’s bubblegum synth-pop teen idol “Tiffany.”

Thanks to Declared Ungovernable for sniffing this story out on The Boot.

The first thing I though of when I heard “Tiffany” was this stupid head/hand thing I do in a mocking way whenever I hear an 80’s teen bop song being played. What is that called? Wait, let me find it. . . .

Yes, here it is, fast forward to 0:14.

What the hell is that? She does it again at 3:27, and check it out at 1:27 when her lip-syncing fails to match the audio track.

Man, what a cesspool of creativity the 80’s were.

So what do you do first when you “go country?” All together class:

YOU SAY YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN COUNTRY !!

Tiffany on cue says: “I’ve had success after 20 years, and my fans have really been supportive of my new music, but my heart is in country music,”

Wait, 20 YEARS OF SUCCESS? Last time I heard about Tiffany, Robocop was the hit movie and girls still wore shoulder pads in their blouses; back when Aqua-net, parachute pants, big hair, AND BAD TASTE were all in style.

Then she goes on to say:

“I enjoy playing with a full band and love Emmylou Harris, Rosanne Cash and Stevie Nicks. So it’s a new pursuit for me, and I have some songs under my belt.”

OK so I’m confused. You’ve always been country, yet this is a “new pursuit”. Yet you also say “I have some songs under my belt.” And sorry, but Stevie Nicks is not country . . . at least not on Sept. 3rd 2009 at 10 AM, but it could happen any time now. Pop performers are going country so quick I can barely keep up.

To be fair, when you cyberstalk Tiffany you do find that she had some forays into country in the past, performing at events with George Jones and Jack Reeves. But lets paint the full picture: She did those gigs as a kid, BEFORE she got her big break on something called, and I’m not kidding, “”The Beautiful You: Celebrating The Good Life Shopping Mall Tour ’87”.

Double vomit.

And if you’re wondering if Tiffany is following her heart or following the gravy train into country, consider that she does have a track record of doing just about anything for scratch, including getting buck nekkid:

Do a Google Image search for “Tiffany Playboy” gentlemen and you can see the full thing. “Going country” aside, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers. And yes boys, the drapes match the carpet.

I could make fun of these people all day, but really the joke is the title of this article, punchline and all. Who knows, maybe Tiffany truly has a country heart and will wow us all with her authentic country throwback style and amazing singing and songwriting. But we’ve seen this act before, and usually it is astoundingly predictable. And unfortunately, part of that predictability is that if the pop girl “gone country” doesn’t prove to be a cash cow for Nashville, she will be spit out of the other side of the soul-less Music City machine without any regard for her dignity.

And despite all my dumb jokes, I will always champion the artist over The Industry, and believe that every human deserves a shred of dignity and respect; a belief that unfortunately the controlling elements of Nashville don’t share with me.

Good luck Tiffany, from the bottom of my heart. You’ll need it.