BREAKING: Country Artist Decides to NOT Make a Christmas Album This Year

The Nashville country music community is reeling after the news that one of its own is refusing to make a Christmas album this year despite the blatantly obvious and universally-recognized obligation for anyone and everyone with a record deal and a decently-sized audience to record one this season.

As soon as the news was confirmed that Aaron Flashdace—a middling major label artist who is currently working on an EP and co-writing with Ross Copperman—had no intention of releasing a Christmas record in 2016, speculation immediately ran rampant up and down Music Row as to the motivations for taking such an egregious and defiant action.

Aaron Flashdance emerged from his condo in west Nashville Thursday morning in a robe and slippers to check his mail, slurping at a half eaten-bowl of Lucky Charms, when a throng of reporters descended on him, pilfering the up-and-coming performer with pointed questions. Did he hate Christmas, Jesus, or just America? Was he an atheist or a Muslim? Or did he not understand his duty as a country music artist to make a Christmas record this year like everyone else?

Looking sideways and clearly confused while finishing off a bite of cereal, stupefied by all the attention his ambivalence to Christmas music had brought him, Flashdace stated, “I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t want to, or it never really occurred to me to make a Christmas record.”

“But you’re a country music artist,” one reported retorted, making the obvious point that it was Aaron Flashdance’s obligation to acquiesce to country’s latest copycat trend of celebrating Christmas with superfluous recordings of worn-out Christmas standards.

Brett Eldredge, Rascal Flatts, Kenny Chesney, Jennifer Nettles, Kacey Musgraves, Reba McEntire, Garth Brooks, Trisha Yearwood, Chris Young, The Oak Ridge Boys, and Loretta Lynn are just some of the scores of country music names who’ve already confirmed their Christmas albums for 2016, and it’s not even October. More are on the way, with the only other artist aside from Aaron Flashdance to officially bow out of the Christmas record craze at this point being Kenny Rogers who released a Christmas record last year, and is retiring.

“Clearly Aaron Flashdance has no clue that he’s just torpedoed his entire career,” says country music industry analyst, piano tuner, and pet psychologist Eidelman Frankenfurter. “He just Dixie Chick’d himself basically. The best he can hope for now in his career is an audition spot on ‘The Voice,’ or work as a backup dancer for Kelsea Ballerini.”

Kenny Rogers’ drunk Christmas beard could not be reached for comment.

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