Jordan Davis and “Singles You Up” Give Kickass Beards a Bad Name

The rip in Jordan Davis’s shirt lets you know he’s really, REALLY authentic.

If there was ever a good moment for a well-manicured hipster beard to get unfortunately mangled in a piece of industrial equipment and/or farm machinery, now would be opportune. Or perhaps just an old fashioned dog muzzle could be employed, or a ball gag—anything that will keep this douche nozzle occupied and his mouth incapacitated from performing pop country’s latest pestilence presiding under the name “Singles You Up.”

Who the hell is Jordan Davis you say? Well he’s that pop country guy; you know, the one with the beard. Because how the hell else would you tell him apart for the reams and reams of these generic pop country bros stacked up so thick up and down Music Row you need a cattle guard to get through them? You certainly couldn’t distinguish him due to the uniqueness of this song. He’s just the latest headed to #1 with a hackneyed tune full of urban vernacular and electronic drum beats, trying to take a bro jargon buzzphrase and flesh it out into something fit for human consumption, and stupendously failing.

They’re giving away #1’s in Nashville these days like syringes during the AIDS epidemic. If you travel to Music City, don’t be surprised if your bartender, barista, or Uber driver has a #1 on country radio, as long as they’ve got a key fob and not a change purse in their britches mind you, because this ain’t no equal opportunity promotion. Purchase a Platinum-level add-on to your CMA Fan Fest Getaway Package, and you too can have a #1 on country radio, as long as you’re toned and quaffed. Don’t worry if you can’t sing, that’s what Antares developed Auto-Tune for. Just step into the recording booth, and that producer behind the Macbook will take care of the rest.

You can just see Jordan Davis and his co-writers sitting around an Ikea sectional sipping on Starbucks Ventis, and in between taking selfies and swapping stories about their Kawasaki motorcycles, scribbling out verses swapping phrases like “I’m going to be” for “Imma be” to make this song seem hip when we all know their cracker asses wouldn’t get caught speaking like this in the hood.

Then after they’re done, Jordan Davis hits up a Chili’s and comes on to a college-age waitress. “Hey baby, Imma be #1 on country radio.” But she doesn’t care because she’s banging the fry cook who co-wrote a #1 with Chris Lane. Or was it Chase Rice, or Chase Bryant, or one of the guys from Old Dominion? Does it really matter?

Surprisingly, one of the co-writers on “Singles You Up” is Steven Dale Jones who’s done some good stuff for George Strait and Reba. Not sure what he’s doing hanging with the body spray crowd.

“Singles You Up” isn’t exceptionally bad, it’s just exceptionally generic and par for the course from Music Row at the moment, bolstering the career of just another bro whose got nothing exceptional or unique to offer compared to the two or three dozen other bros clogging up the charts for better-quality songs that are curiously on the rise on country radio at the moment.

Jordan Davis gives kick ass beards a bad name, just like his stupid song “Singles You Up” does for country. Leave the beards to the likes of Cody Jinks and Whitey Morgan there champ.

1 3/4 Gun DOWN (2/10)