Kid Rock Accused of Stealing Old Ladies’ Hats

Kid has obtained some exclusive information that none other than genre bender Kid Rock is responsible for a string of hat snatchings in and around the Nashville area, all of which involve grandmothers over the age of 80.

“I was going to buy my cat Mr. Mittens a new mouse toy at the pet store,” 83-year-old Maude Flapper recounts, “when all of a sudden there he was, demanding my hat!” The altercation happened in the 700 block of Thompson Lane in Nashville at 2PM on June 9th, the same day Kid Rock hosted the 2010 CMT Music Awards.

“He said to me, “I’ve stolen riffs from Lynard Skynard, Metallica, and Warren Zevon, and now I’m stealing your hat you old coot! So give up the headgear and nobody gets hurt!”

Kid Rock hatMrs. Flapper also commented on Kid Rock’s smell, which apparently was quite striking. “He smelled like a discarded, two day old dog placenta being fried on a fire of burning hair.”

Later at the CMT Awards Kid Rock was clearly seen wearing a hat matching Maude Flapper’s description of “a Sunday hat in a beautiful shade of baby blue.”

But this isn’t the first time Kid Rock’s name has been attached to a hat snatching. A week before 81-year-old Ethyl Frankfurter was out working in her rose garden when she says Kid Rock accosted her in her quiet west Nashville neighborhood and made off with her “favorite pink rose cutting hat.”

“I was pruning back my Rose of Sharon bushes when all of a sudden there he was, standing in my lawn, demanding my hat. He said, “Pink is the new black you old battle axe, so give up your lid or I’ll take a dump in your yard!”

Kid Rock HatThe grandmother of nine tried to fend off the Michigan-born rock star with a pair of green-handled rose pruners to no avail. Then according to Ms. Frankfurter, Kid Rock urinated on her mailbox and then “pretended to make love to a neighborhood fire hydrant for an alarming amount of time,” before fleeing the scene. Later Mr. Rock was seen wearing a hat matching the description at a Warner Music press conference.

Just like his other victim, Ms. Frankfurter also commented on Kid Rock’s apparent stench, which she said smelling “took years off of what is left of my short life.”

“He smelled like a sumo wrestler taking a dump on a burning tire.” Ms. Frankfurter recounted, still visibly shaken.

Another report into that Kid Rock also has a fetish for “granny panties” has yet to be verified.

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