Lindsay Lohan’s Little Sister Wants a Country Music Career?
The Country Music Colossus
“Keep, pop music and Hollywood, your storied pomp!” cries country music,
with dollar signs in its eyes. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your washed up reality show stars and siblings of child-acting trainwrecks
Your huddled masses yearning to sing through Auto-tuners
The wretched refuse of your teenage shows
Send these, the talent-less, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my mic up beside the golden road to token CMA Awards,
and public-eye repatriation!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, what really is popular country music to some except a repository for washed-up stars that tried their hands elsewhere and either failed initially or ultimately, but still feel their owed a societal debt to be thrust back into the spotlight despite their lack of talent and true country roots, simply because they were once famous for something, or in this case, their sister was.
That’s right, Ali Lohan, sister of Lindsey Lohan, most famous for shedding alligator tears as her poor dear sister is hauled off to rehab once again wants to launch a country music career. And don’t think she’s kidding around either. No! She’s serious about this people. Supposedly Ali has hired a vocal coach (because she can’t sing), has been writing songs (Row Row Row Your Boat), and is even “trying to learn a few instruments,” whatever the hell that means.
Apparently these exquisitely detailed plans and a famous last name are good enough to land you a $120,000 recording contract in Nashville, and that is exactly what Ali has suckered some unidentified Music Row outfit into giving her to make an album. A unnamed spokesperson for the younger Lohan says, “Ali wants to be taken seriously and is ready to put everything she has into this record.” Oh well bless her heart.
I know what you’re thinking here. “But Trig! What if Ali Lohan is actually good!?! Remember when you bad-mouthed Jamie Lynn Spears and then she released ‘How Could I Want More’ and it was actually good?” Yeah well, of course we should wait to hear the finished product before we start to flame throw the entire thing unceremoniously, but the rhetoric surrounding this Ali Lohan business is not nearly as promising as it was for Spears. Besides Ali’s camp virtually broadcasting that she’s coming to the table with very few true country music skills aside from releasing a couple of bargain bin Christmas albums a while back, we’re being told, “Ali wants her new sound to be Miley Cyrus meets Lana Del Rey.”
Yep, we’ve read this script before, and it resulted in Jessica Simpson being relegated to doing Weight Watchers commercials. But country music has descended so far since then, who knows. Ali Lohan could become a superstar, or school the current list of top country contenders who lets face it, don’t give up much to Ali when it comes to skill sets.
So we’ll see. The thing about the country music careers of these pre-defined celebrities is they have to be blockbusters right out the door, or they’re deemed very quickly to not be worth it. Ali ain’t gonna be up for busking outside of passenger vans or playing the club circuit. Either this thing blows up, or she’s hitting up Playboy for a spread like big sis. And it can’t help that her stage mom Dina Lohan who was one of the primary culprits driving Lindsey Lohan to self-destruction is said to be managing Ali’s country music career as well.
Good gosh. Why can’t we get some of these Tea Party fire breathers to stand at the gates of country music like they do the southern border and scare these undocumented country music “performers” towards the celebrity boxing circuit?
Sorry Ali, I’ll give anyone’s music a chance no matter what their background, and I’ll do the same for yours. But excuse me if I’m about as excited about this idea as a trip to the proctologist.
July 24, 2014 @ 7:28 pm
I’ll hope for the best but fear the worst! 😉
July 24, 2014 @ 7:41 pm
Wait ! Jessica Simpson is NOT a country star ??? Gees ..I’ve missed a LOT since I turned off my radio .
July 24, 2014 @ 7:42 pm
She wants her sound to be a cross between Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey? This doesn’t sound good at all. I predict a heated rant on this in my future. Why can’t the crap stop?
August 10, 2014 @ 6:33 pm
It’s not a quote. The thing that is so annoying about news about Ali Lohan is it is always someone putting words in her mouth. Ali has never said she wants her sound to be like Miley or Lana. All she said is she hopes to inspire people and bring joy to them with her music. She put that on her youtube channel, Aliana Lohan. Visit it. She doesn’t even subscribe to Lana or MIley nor does she follow them on instagram or twitter and she’s hasn’t said a word herself about either of them or tweeted about them.
July 24, 2014 @ 9:33 pm
OH GOD *FACEPALM* …not another Lohan….Lindsey’s sister is going Country…Oh great…she’s going to be the next singer I probably I can’t stand because Jessica Simpson is one I really can’t stand plus she’s probably going to be like her sister Lindsey >:(
July 24, 2014 @ 10:25 pm
I love reading SCM, and the reviews on this site are truly gems. However, articles like this represent the worst side of this website, serving as a painful reminder of the bad old days of SCM.
Granted, this piece is better than the one announcing Jamie Lynn Spears’s arrival to country music, but it still reeks of personal attacks and a philosophy of guilty until proven innocent.
Why not make judgments on the music only after listening to it?
July 24, 2014 @ 10:50 pm
Nobody’s music was “judged” in the writing of this article. I thought I went out of my way to say that once her music is released, I will review it fairly and equitably, and I think my treatment of Jamie Lynn Spears proves that.
I’ll tell you what represents the worst side: Giving $120,000 deals to girls just because their sisters are famous for being so out-of-control, it put her entire family on the front of tabloids and made them celebrities for all the wrong reasons. If Ali Lohan wants to get into country music, then she better be ready to take the heat.
July 24, 2014 @ 11:25 pm
Implying that someone is “talent-less” without first hearing their musical output is a personal attack, along with the gratuitously disrespectful tone of passages like this:
“And don”™t think she”™s kidding around either. No! She”™s serious about this people. Supposedly Ali has hired a vocal coach (because she can”™t sing), has been writing songs (Row Row Row Your Boat), and is even “trying to learn a few instruments,” whatever the hell that means.”
July 25, 2014 @ 12:29 am
Look Eric, clearly there is an element of sarcasm in this article. Sometimes the only way to illustrate how ridiculous something is, is with ridiculousness. I appreciate your concern about how this business might portray Saving Country Music, but I have long since been cast as the black sheep of the country music blogsphere.
If Ali Lohan or anyone else wants to earn my respect as a country music artist, they’re going to have to earn it. Playing music and being famous is a privilege, not a right. She’s already been bestowed $120,000. I suggests she uses it wisely.
July 25, 2014 @ 12:36 am
“If Ali Lohan or anyone else wants to earn my respect as a country music artist, they”™re going to have to earn it.”
I agree, but in my opinion the same principle should apply to disrespect as well.
The best way to treat a new artist like this is as a tabula rasa, i.e. “All country music artists are created equal”.
July 25, 2014 @ 1:05 am
Ali Lohan earned disrespect by hopscotching thousands of artists who’ve proven their muster as musicians to land a big deal simply based off of her celebrity name. If she thinks she can take $120,000 without ever proving she worth it and thinks she can be above criticism, tough shit.
I apologize if I disappointed you with this post. You’ve made your point, and it is noted.
July 25, 2014 @ 1:11 am
The criticism should be directed at the label that gave her $120000, not at her.
July 25, 2014 @ 9:46 am
The best way to treat a new artist like this is as a tabula rasa, i.e. “All country music artists are created equal”.
This would have only worked before the recent glut of non-country artists who have “gone country,” among them Jessica Simpson, Darius Rucker, and Aaron Lewis. It’s been a decidedly mixed bag to say the least, even if you throw in the reality show folks like Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, and Kacey Musgraves. Frankly, I’d say all country music artists are most assuredly not created equal. I would much rather have somebody like Reckless Kelly or Stoney LaRue, somebody who truly appreciates the genre and has paid their dues and honed their craft in front of live audiences, as opposed to somebody who wants to be a country music star just because they got bored with what they were doing or their previous career track didn’t work out or whatever.
August 10, 2014 @ 6:24 pm
But you know nothing of her. You are judging her by her family name, not what she’s really like. Ali made a youtube video and came across as humble and sweet and she sang a line or two of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful. That is hardly country music. She also had a small snippet of one of her songs on her instagram and it was more like folk, not country. Have you ever visited her instagram or twitter? This story is a TMZ invention. Ali is not pursuing a country career. She loves country music, but there is nothing directly that came from HER, not her father or mother, that says she desires to do country music.
July 24, 2014 @ 10:28 pm
Alot of people want to be a Governor or a Senator….but until you’ve worked hard at anything and shown yourself to be a succees to the public – it doesn’t matter what you say you want to be.
People will elect a successful carpenter if you’re a good one.
People will support a country artist if you’ve shown yourself to be authentic and take it seriously.
But let’s face it, this industry is full of “Pretendians”.
July 24, 2014 @ 11:11 pm
With the discontent of many of the males in country music and T.Swift “officially” leaving country music with her next album, are we even surprised that Nashville is trying to find a female who can be the next big star?
Of course instead of supporting well written songs, they are trying to sell the image of someone. Celebrity by association. She will be a pop star with just enough country sound to get on the radio (which let’s be honest, isn’t a lot).
July 24, 2014 @ 11:38 pm
I think what Trigger is saying — although he said it pretty well himself — is that country music is something you should come to if you have talent and ideas and have something to contribute, and then you rise (of fall) based on the quality of your music. Generally, there is some dues-paying involved. Instead, people like Ali Lohan approach it backwards. They want to be famous and they want to avoid the hard work (and anything smacking of paying dues) and they have the money to mold them into a singer. Then they trade on their name to get label support. (Imagine what that $120,000 could do for somebody who actually has talent…..) For so long, country music generally managed to avoid these types, but with increased corporatization, record companies started picking people for their “image” or visual appeal. Talent considerations have become secondary (if they entered the picture at all) because there is always Auto-Tune and session musicians. Country music used to be about selling *the music* and now it is about selling an image. So it will attract people like Ali Lohan, and I, for one, am glad someone like Trigger is trying to guard the gates.
July 25, 2014 @ 12:00 am
I understand the problems with the music industry, but the need to point them out does not justify personal disrespect toward new artists.
July 25, 2014 @ 12:05 am
Also, as has been pointed out on SCM before, radio is still the primary means for introducing an artist to a broad audience. Visual appeal has no effect on the radio audience.
July 25, 2014 @ 12:21 am
Visual appeal has everything to do with with the radio audience. We live in a multimedia society.
July 25, 2014 @ 12:23 am
When someone is being introduced to a new artist on the radio, there is no visual component.
July 25, 2014 @ 1:05 am
July 25, 2014 @ 1:23 am
On pop radio, four of the most popular artists over the last half-decade half been Lorde, Adele, Lady Gaga, and Pink, none of whom are considered stereotypically attractive (in fact, Lady Gaga goes out of her way to look as stereotypically unattractive as possible).
On the male side, the winner of this year’s Album of the Year Grammy, Daft Punk, consists of a duo who rarely show their faces at all.
July 25, 2014 @ 2:42 am
The comment about being “stereotypically attractive” aside — that is a judgment call, after all — all those artists you named have VERY strong visual appeal. Lady Gaga, for example, is all about the visual. That’s why she spends so much time and energy and money on her costumes. It is a show. It is, in the words of the late Bill Morrissey, “Vaudeville plugging in.”
July 25, 2014 @ 6:22 am
“On the male side, the winner of this year”™s Album of the Year Grammy, Daft Punk, consists of a duo who rarely show their faces at all. ”
That’s a half truth. Yes, Daft Punk doesn’t show their faces, but their costumes are meant to be visually appealing, aren’t they?
July 25, 2014 @ 8:46 am
Daft Punk is cheap rip-off of Bob Log.
July 25, 2014 @ 2:04 pm
The point is that these artists have created their own unique appearance instead of relying on their natural looks.
July 25, 2014 @ 5:09 am
This doesn’t sound good at all, but for what it’s worth ”“ Lindsay Lohan has hung out with Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires in the past. This could suggest that Lindsay is perhaps a fan of them which could rub off on to her younger sister. Wishful thinking.
July 25, 2014 @ 9:05 am
So thats why Isbell went to rehab and sobered up. He saw the trainwreck that is Lindsay Lohan up close and was scared straight!
July 25, 2014 @ 7:51 am
Why not. Out of curiosity I went on ITunes to look at the country top 10. It has to be an all time low even for mainstream country music. Literally at least 3 of the top 10 are not only bad, but some of the worst songs I have ever heard in my entire life all in one list. Do you agree?
July 25, 2014 @ 7:05 pm
I disagree . I’d say 7 of the top 10 songs are tragic . No Matter WHAT genre they want to call themselves .
TX Music Jim
July 25, 2014 @ 8:29 am
So very sad. When there are guys like a Tommy Alverson, and so many others, who have been slugging it out in the tonks for years.Putting out good records and pkaying great shows and have never been given a contract. Because her name is Lohan she gets a deal. Even if the record is decent, putting her to the top of the list over very deserving artists is truly shameful.
July 25, 2014 @ 8:48 am
On the one hand, I have a marked suspicion for anything coming from the publicity generating machine that is the Lohan family, as well as for the country music industry looking to drive revenue from an underserved audience looking for women in country music…
On the other hand, I think I’m the only guy on the planet who bothered to cover Lucy Hale’s breakout album ‘Road Between’ a month or so ago and it’s easily one of my favourite country records of the year if you’ve got a taste for the pop side of the spectrum (which I can, on occasion). And Lucy Hale is not only a teen drama starlet straight off of Pretty Little Liars, but she’s not even on a country label! Instead, she’s on Hollywood Records, a label most famous for terrible teen starlets and once signing the Insane Clown Posse.
I guess the point of that is that surprises can come from anywhere, and honestly I won’t be surprised if this just ends up mediocre and yet sells reasonably well.
July 25, 2014 @ 10:38 am
$120,000 wont make her a “real” country star nor will a $1,000,000.
July 25, 2014 @ 1:05 pm
I just don’t take seriously this kind of interest in country music by the sister of someone famous (for having a modicum of talent, a dysfunctional family, a sex tape, a drug habit, etc.).
I wish this young lady well, but I have no interest in what she says or does until I hear what she has to offer.
Even then, I am dubious of the notion that it will interest me since she has landed on Music Row.
But I have been pleasantly surprised before and I wish her well.
July 25, 2014 @ 4:46 pm
I hope for the best, but fear the worst. Lets just say I am not too optimistic, but felt the same way about other artists in the past and were pleasantly surprised so best of luck to her.
July 25, 2014 @ 9:24 pm
I didn’t know you wrote for The Onion, Trigger!
July 27, 2014 @ 12:08 pm
Here we go again. Another wannabe star hoping to use the country genre as a springboard.
August 10, 2014 @ 6:19 pm
Why did you do this hatchet job on what is a really nice, drama-free young woman? Ali Lohan can sing, first of all and she didn’t even put out this story. This story was essentially cooked up by TMZ because Michael Lohan, Ali’s father, told TMZ that Ali was working on music and had a contract offer when she visited Nashville. That’s where this whole dumb notion of Ali being a country singer came from. So don’t put this on Ali. She’s a humble girl and she’s actually singing folk/rock and not country and she stays out of the lime light. You know really nothing of her and it’s really unfair how you categorized her, she’s nothing like you described.