Cole Swindell’s “Ain’t Worth The Whiskey”


Warning: Some language

Sorry sweetheart, but you’re not even worth a shot of Evan Williams passed off to frat boy Cole Swindell as Bushmills because he’s too tanked to tell the difference. That’s the inspiring, forward-thinking message of merch guy turned misogynist Cole Swindell’s shitty new single that threatens to top the country music charts. I’m not sure I’d even piss on this pipsqueaked rat-faced mealy-mouthed condescending sexist asshole if he was on fire after hearing such a self-centered denigration of another as is evidenced in this audio embarrassment. What the hell has happened to country music, indeed.

Cole Swindell should have never been let out of his cubby beside the concession stands at Luke Bryan concerts selling overpriced pink tank tops to boozed up suburban women. That’s no dramatization: Swindell truly got his start in the music biz as a merch boy, and now he may be on track to have more country #1’s than all of the women in country in the last calendar year combined, and by cutting them down once again. Along with being the most Caspar Milquetoast and character-devoid piece of Wonder bread ever proffered to the country music public, Cole is becoming the country music equivalent of Archie Bunker—sans the topical and culturally-commentative humor.

On the heels of the success of his assholic anthem of emotional downgrading and manipulation called “Hope You Get Lonely Tonight,” Swindell is right back at it making quick work of women’s self-esteem to allow himself to feel better about his own raging insecurities in “Ain’t Worth The Whiskey.” It is an account of a man “done wrong” by a woman, but promises his whiskey-fueled night has nothing to do with drowning his sorrow, but celebrating things in life like “country songs,” which is ironic seeing how Swindell has yet to fucking sing one.

First off, I’m sure Swindell’s account of being “done wrong” leaves out the part about him being too sloshed to perform his duties as a man, or being like a petri dish of emotional maladies that finds his comfort in taking down others. Secondly the song signifies an unhealthy way of dealing with heartbreak by practicing avoidance and lying to oneself. What’s sad is this song could have gone in the direction of an emotional realization and reconciliation, and really made a worthy statement. But instead “Ain’t Worth The Whiskey” takes the most incongruous plot twist on a “country” song possibly ever by all of a sudden becoming a vehicle for a “let’s support the troops” stance.

Hey, nothing but respect for the veterans of the fighting forces, but to shoehorn this pandering sentiment into Swindell’s sexist cutdown is patronizing as all get out in this flag waver’s opinion. They don’t issue out dog tags for serving with Luke Bryan in Sigma Chi, Mr. Swindell.

The video for “Ain’t Worth The Whiskey” reinforces all of this negativity with a wispy blonde looking on forlornly as Cole Swindell shits on her with his eyes, and then of all things, portrays himself as a handsy chauvinistic slobber ass as he drunkenly exists the little boy room and uses some poor girl’s C-cups to steady himself. Now Swindell’s just overtly playing into the role of a misogynistic prick looking to prey on women with no self-esteem. And it will probably work. I’m sure this song scores high with the mainstream country music frau.

It’s not just the systematic way females are handled in the country music business that is keeping them relegated as second class citizens in the charts and in sales. It’s songs like Cole Swindell’s “Ain’t Worth The Whiskey” that reinforce women’s downgraded identity in country music in 2015.

Two guns down.

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