Oh, Pop Country’s Walker Hayes Needs Help Naming His Upcoming Tour?
WARNING: LANGUAGE
Bad pop star Walker Hayes recently infiltrated the mainstream country ranks after unleashing the terrible hit “You Broke Up With Me,” which Saving Country Music unilaterally declared the Worst “Country” Song Ever. Now this hack is going out on tour, and since he has no original thoughts of his own, Walker and his PR team have chosen to put the task of naming the upcoming tour in the hands of the unwashed masses.
Whomever composes the winning tour name will get the opportunity to get into any and all stops on the upcoming Walker Hayes tour, just in case you and your buddies are looking for a bad bet payoff. Not that Saving Country Music is looking for free Walker Hayes tickets, but here’s some suggestions:
For the visually impaired:
- The “This Is Not Country” Tour
- The “Don’t Bother” Tour
- The “Even Sam Hunt Thinks This Shit Sucks” Tour
- The “I’m 38 and Have Six Children, and Sing Songs About Hooking Up with 18-Year-Olds in Clubs” Tour
- The “I Call My Vacuous Frap ‘Country’ Because They’d Laugh Me Out of Pop” Tour
- The “
- Waylon Would Kick My Ass” Tour
- The “I Made a Shitty Pop Record with a Laptop in My Fucking Garage” Tour
- The “I’m a Creep Ass For Lusting Over a Girl Being ’17 Years New’ in the Song ‘Mind Candy'” Tour
- The “My Last Single ‘Craig’ Stalled at #59 on the Charts, So Please Come Out and Support My Lagging Ass” Tour
- The “My Producer Shane McAnally Is The Country Music Antichrist” Tour
- The “Why Am I Wearing a Ladies Fern Blouse?” Tour
- The “My Music Is Total Dog Shit, But I Smell Terrific!” Tour
Jim L.
November 5, 2018 @ 10:48 am
The “Taking Money from Brainwashed Morons” Tour.
Joe
November 5, 2018 @ 9:58 pm
And we have our undisputed winner.
Tom
November 5, 2018 @ 10:58 am
I think it should be the “Stuffin’ acorns in my cheeks ’cause winter’s a-comin'” tour.
Craig Danger
November 5, 2018 @ 11:02 am
The Pay For My Vasectomy Tour
Taylor Monroe
November 5, 2018 @ 11:08 am
The Clusterfuck of the Century Tour
Tater Salad
November 5, 2018 @ 11:15 am
The “Nah Brah” Tour
Dirt Road Derek
November 5, 2018 @ 11:15 am
I really love the lyrics/story for his song about the guy giving his family a van. Shame that his vocals and music don’t match the quality of his storytelling.
Sana Mello
November 5, 2018 @ 11:21 am
Oh Lord..lol…
(Me and) Paul
November 5, 2018 @ 11:23 am
The “I can’t write music so why should I write a title name” Tour
Simon Bray
November 5, 2018 @ 11:32 am
Where do I go to enter this contest? I want everyone I know to vote for “The 38 With Six Kids and Singing About Hooking Up with 18-Year-Olds in Clubs Tour”.
Trigger
November 5, 2018 @ 11:50 am
I think you have to leave a comment on his Instagram post about it.
J. Michael
November 5, 2018 @ 11:32 am
The “Walk Away from Walker Hayes” Tour.
Jim Bob
November 5, 2018 @ 11:33 am
The “someone tell Billy Joe where this guy wants it” tour
Montanaman
November 6, 2018 @ 10:58 pm
Ding Ding Ding!!
Pierre Brunelle
November 5, 2018 @ 11:38 am
Great list Trig!
Here are two other suggestions:
The close the door on your way out tour.
The wanna be Jerrod Niemann has been tour.
You too
November 6, 2018 @ 8:43 am
At least jarrod Neimannn’s career died off.
Pierre Brunelle
November 6, 2018 @ 12:08 pm
If we let the law of nature runs it course, Walker Hayes career will follow this same pattern.
norrie
November 5, 2018 @ 11:39 am
The L should be a N Tour.
WankerHayes
JK
November 5, 2018 @ 11:52 am
The” For Me To Poop On ” Tour
Benny Lee
November 5, 2018 @ 11:57 am
The “Living Embodiment of the Eternal Spirit of Country Music” Tour.
Oh wait, we’re not talking about Tyler Childers, my bad…
Tracey Gahara
November 5, 2018 @ 11:58 am
The Oakleigh Tour
Landis
November 5, 2018 @ 12:05 pm
“Walking Through The Haze”
Troy
November 5, 2018 @ 12:06 pm
Walker Hayes is making himself an easy target. Trigger got triggered Lol! Trigger, mind if I use those as memes? Haha
Trigger
November 5, 2018 @ 1:03 pm
Fire away.
Troy
November 5, 2018 @ 1:52 pm
I’d rather listen to FGL than Walker Hayes, Trigger. That’s pretty damn sad, no matter what way you look at it lol!
Benny Lee
November 5, 2018 @ 12:07 pm
How much of an artist do you have to be to hold up your tour as a marketing trick?
I’m sure that’s something all the great creative minds do…
Dobe Daddy
November 5, 2018 @ 12:25 pm
The “Overflow From a Music Row Dumpster” Tour
a reader
November 5, 2018 @ 12:38 pm
man, i really wish you’d stop talking about the man’s kids. yes his music is awful but come on.
Trigger
November 5, 2018 @ 1:07 pm
First off, this stuff is a joke. It’s not real. Second, I’m not talking about the man’s kids, as if I am attacking them or making fun of them. The dude is 38-year-old and married with six kids, and singing songs for 17-year-olds, including the song “Mind Candy” where he’s openly lusting for a 17-year-old in a grotesque, masturbatory manner. It’s inappropriate, and way more inappropriate than pointing out the a middle aged man with 6 kids shouldn’t be singing young adult material.
a reader
November 5, 2018 @ 1:16 pm
he has 7 kids.
a reader
November 5, 2018 @ 3:32 pm
I went and read the lyrics and it’s him reflecting on a high school girlfriend. For example, the line “when our rock wasn’t classic yet.” If that’s the standard then Jack and Diane is masturbatory, as well. I get you don’t like him. I don’t care for his music at all, either. But maybe you could understand why enabling jokes about vasectomies and harping on the number of children the man has (7) is a bit callous considering he just buried his daughter over the summer.
Seth of Lampasas
November 5, 2018 @ 8:27 pm
“is a bit callous considering he just buried his daughter over the summer.”
All the more reason for him to stop making immature music. See: “Tears In Heaven” by Eric Clapton.
King Honky Of Crackershire
November 5, 2018 @ 1:27 pm
Trigger,
I won’t be a hypocrite. I’ve always loved “Forbidden Angel” by Mel Street.
King Honky Of Crackershire
November 5, 2018 @ 12:46 pm
How about:
The I Didn’t Know This Existed Until Trigger Told Me About It On Savingcountrymusic.com Tour
Trigger
November 5, 2018 @ 1:08 pm
Too clunky. URL’s rarely work well as titles. 🙂
L
November 6, 2018 @ 8:42 am
“Trigger looking for hits by dog whistling his base of hateful white men” tour
Trigger
November 6, 2018 @ 8:52 am
Hey, I have plenty of hateful women and minorities here!
OlaR
November 5, 2018 @ 12:56 pm
The “Give Me Your Money & I Give You…” Tour
Walker: Shane! What i have to do on a tour?
Shane: what?
Walker: the tour…
Shane: oh…the tour…well…
Walker: dance? sing? make more babies?
Shane: whatever you want Walker.
Walker: rap?
Shane: fine.
Walker: ok…we will call the tour the “Give Me Your Money & I Give You Crabs…oops…Crap tour”.
Shane: you are a genius Walker & in the meantime i will find my next puppet on a string. More money for me & more articles for SCM. A win-win situation.
Dak
November 5, 2018 @ 1:38 pm
“Craig” is one of the worst songs I have ever heard.
Bridgette Mcdavid
November 5, 2018 @ 1:41 pm
Bring My ASS Kicking Boots Non Music Country Tour!!
Cosmic Cowboy
November 5, 2018 @ 2:33 pm
The Walker Wheeler Jr is what I really need tour!
Drew L.
November 5, 2018 @ 3:01 pm
If you feel like being extremely pissed off, listen to his song “90s Country”. It will anger you deeply.
Rex on the Highway
November 5, 2018 @ 3:36 pm
The “Dammit I’ve Got Mouths to Feed Tour”.
Conrad Fisher
November 5, 2018 @ 3:51 pm
This is very juvenile, but it made me laugh.
C
November 5, 2018 @ 3:56 pm
It should be called the shitting on their graves tour. In every city he visits he should shit on the grave of someone important to the history of country music who was buried in that city. He’s already doing it figuratively why not literally just do it.
Roland of Gilead
November 5, 2018 @ 3:58 pm
The “It Burns When I Pee” Tour.
Bad One
November 5, 2018 @ 4:09 pm
The “I’m gonna have to get a real job after this” Tour
North Woods Country
November 5, 2018 @ 5:46 pm
The “Her Dad is Glad She Broke Up With Me” tour.
Jason L Johnson
November 5, 2018 @ 7:33 pm
Pop country sucks. Period.
Travis
November 5, 2018 @ 7:38 pm
Walker’s Walkin and Whistlin Tour. He can start off each show with a couple minutes of his fantastic whistling (This is the guy with the embarrassingly bad whistle intro, right?)
albert
November 5, 2018 @ 8:07 pm
Trigger …you nailed it above …..but I couldn’t resist ……………
THE ” CAN’T BELIEVE I GOT SIGNED ” TOUR
THE ”NEVER STOP NEVER STOPPING” TOUR ( ???? )
THE ” SEE ..I TOLD YOU …ANYBODY CAN SING THIS SHIT ” TOUR
THE ” WTF …PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY PAY TO SEE THIS ????? ” TOUR
THE ” LOCK UP YOUR JAIL BAIT ” TOUR
Corncaster
November 5, 2018 @ 8:08 pm
What the hell color is that? He looks like a Fisher-Price figurine.
Pete Marshall
November 5, 2018 @ 8:55 pm
My one horrible shitty hit wonder tour! Walker hayes
Nichole
November 5, 2018 @ 8:58 pm
The New Years tour Walker Hayes.
Pete Marshall
November 5, 2018 @ 9:08 pm
The “I’m not a real country singer” tour
the “I am playing this 90’s country song because Craig made my wife broke up with me” tour
The “I can’t sing” tour
The ” I love Bebe Rexa and Sam hunt’s music ” tour
The ” I am a terrible pop/country singer but I can sing rap” tour
The ” I am destroying a legendary country music/Rock label that Roy Orbison/Kris Kristofferson and older acts was on and Dixie chicks” tour (Monument)
The “I will retire after my flop tour”
JB-Chicago
November 6, 2018 @ 2:59 am
The “I’m everything that’s wrong with Country radio” tour.
Corncaster
November 6, 2018 @ 4:18 am
Country(TM)
Guitars, Cadillacs...
November 6, 2018 @ 4:33 am
The “Music 100 % Guaranteed to Make You Dumber” Tour.
Charlie
November 6, 2018 @ 5:08 am
From the pic, I’d say it’s . . .
The Excuse Me While I Slip Into this Restroom For Some Under-stall Action Tour
Or, to save space on the billboard . . .
The Wide Stance Tour
. . .which is a little Inside Baseball, but catchy.
Garrett Roe
November 6, 2018 @ 8:23 am
The “Commit the final murder on Music Row” tour
Anthony
November 6, 2018 @ 9:38 am
Lmaoo. This is fuckin great.
Sheri Blanchard
November 6, 2018 @ 9:40 am
Why do you send out such nasty and hateful things? Why don’t you focus on doing good things like feed the hungry, clean up the environment or heal your festering soul?
Trigger
November 6, 2018 @ 10:29 am
Humor is the chicken soup for the soul, and unfortunately it’s under assault more than ever by tightwad people who can’t take a joke.
Chris
November 6, 2018 @ 12:53 pm
Butt-hurt fan girl tally: 1.
The more appropriate question is, why does Walker Hayes release this crappy pop music and call it country?
Mike
November 7, 2018 @ 7:09 pm
Sheri.
Why don’t you shut up!!!
Woogeroo
November 10, 2018 @ 7:50 am
Because Sheri :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90nyz0GmWCw
Trigger
November 6, 2018 @ 10:43 am
Farce The Music getting in on the action:
http://www.farcethemusic.com/2018/11/naming-walker-hayes-tour.html?m=1
Paulo
November 6, 2018 @ 10:57 am
the i couldn’t give a fuck tour
BlackHawgDown
November 6, 2018 @ 11:35 am
the “It looks like a country concert…but it’s not” tour
Chris
November 6, 2018 @ 12:50 pm
The “I Guarantee You Hank Never Done It This Way” Tour.
Jweite17
November 6, 2018 @ 8:47 pm
The “I bought a Walker Hayes ticket and all I got was this terrible concert” Tour.
Jackie Treehorn
November 6, 2018 @ 9:35 pm
The “I’m the guy on the other side of the glory hole tour”
He he
ScottG
November 7, 2018 @ 8:59 am
I suck at these but here’s mine: The Because Your Dental Office Closes at 5pm Tour.
Lately I’m trying to be more positive and think on the bright side, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc. But then I listened to “you broke up with me” and here I am.
Matt Wilson
November 8, 2018 @ 8:28 am
Walking through the haze
Album cover just you coming out of the haze
Woogeroo
November 10, 2018 @ 7:47 am
Hilarious Trigger… and props to everyone else, ya” were in rare form on this one.
hahaha.
Adam
November 11, 2018 @ 10:36 pm
The Real Life Joe Swanson tour?
Kat Maslich
February 17, 2020 @ 10:06 am
The “I really wanted to be a pop country Vanilla Ice”Tour
Elizabeth Hatos
November 12, 2021 @ 9:04 pm
.Simple “ The New Beginning Tour” . It makes sense