Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the ANTI “American Country Countdown Awards” LIVE blog. Yes, it’s yet another country music awards show, replacing the three abysmal years of the now defunct “American Country Awards.” Sorry all previous ACA winners, your trophies are now even more meaningless.
As much as all of country music’s awards shows are ridiculous on some level, the ACCA’s add an additional layer of obvious pandering to sponsors and informercial-style gaming of the American public and ridiculous pedantical pageantry. So please don’t take the idea of paying attention to them in this manner as a validation of these stupid awards. The idea is hold their feet to the fire and offer our spirited dissent. And who knows, there may actually be some cool moments to celebrate as well.
Airing on FOX starting at 6 EST, 7 CST.
So lock S-foils in attack position, and let’s go!
9:16 Final Recap – So in its first year in existence, the American Country Countdown Awards figured out a way to do one worse than it’s “American Country Awards” dubious predecessor. It wasn’t that the presentation was low rent per se, just that the moments were so deflated, the pauses so awkward, the jokes and speeches so canned that you didn’t feel like they built any momentum at any point in the presentation. The inaugural ACCA’s proved why you can’t just manufacture an awards show out of thin air and expect it to fly. It wasn’t just the music and the performances, you didn’t get the sense that anyone in the building, let alone at home, was buying in. They brought in the big production company in Dick Clark Productions, but the show had no spark, and Florida Georgia Line could have not been a worse pick as hosts. They literally told this joke:
” “Hey Tyler, I have to say you have a large sack.” “Yeah, it’s nuts.”
Who the fuck wrote that? Who authorized or signed off for something that stupid to be aired on national primetime television? Are you kidding me? Popularity can’t make up for talent, and they should have put someone in there that could be self-aware enough to be the least bit entertaining.
Choice performances were diminished by being featured in the annoying “medley” format, and the big awards of the night to Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney felt meaningless.
I’m sure there will be another show next year, but if the “ACCA’s” want to fly as a 4th awards show, they’re going to have to do much, much better.
9:04 – Thanks to everyone for following along, I guess. I’ll compose a recap here, and then we’ll call it a night.
Seriously, thanks for reading.
9:02 – Worst country music awards show ever. Swear on my life.
8:59 – And the awards end with what’s ostensibly become a football commercial. Just about appropriate.
8:58 – Hank Jr. is now wearing an “Icon” cap, maybe hinting he is the next signee to Scott Borchetta’s “Nash Icon” venture? Juicy development. More on this later…
8:57 – Still miffed at Jr. for not squashing Hunter Hayes when he had a chance.
8:56 – It’s been a while since I’ve seen Hank Williams Jr. I barely recognize him without Kid Rock hanging on his nuts.
8:55 – I think the other awards shows have it right: Don’t let the artists speak for more than 15 seconds.
8:53 – “Jason Aldean won the Artist of the Year.” That could be my encapsulation of this evening’s presentation.
8:51 – I pray to God I never have to be subjected to a human interaction with Jason Aldean’s drummer.
8:50 – What the fuck is Brian Kelley wearing now?
“If your wardrobe changes reach double digits in a two hour presentation, you’re not country.” —Jason Isbell (not really).
8:46 – Kenny Chesney cries alligator tears during his acceptance speech. Shuffles off to catch some more melanoma.
8:42 – This show has been so bad, Kenny Chesney actually delivers one of the better performances and songs.
8:41 – Doesn’t Kenny Chesney have a Panama Jack kiosk to make an appearance at?
8:39 – I’ve been chided by a few that Vince Vaughn is actually a big country music fan. I do remember when he introduced the “Lost Highwaymen.” But handing out this fake award to Kenny Chesney doesn’t help his country cred at all in my opinion.
8:36 – No sarcasm. This is the worst awards show I have ever experience based on virtually any metric you employ. I can’t even imagine pop country Kool-Aid drinkers can get into this.
8:31 – I feel a rant brewing for that Lady A shit.
8:30 – Now Lady Antebellum is on stage rapping and name dropping Macklemore. Fuck these awards.
8:28 – Florida Georgia Line’s joke. “Hey Tyler, I have to say you have a large sack.” “Yeah, it’s nuts.” That’s it. Someone got paid to write that bullshit.
8:26 – Somehow, someway, they figured out how to suck the energy out of the building even more than last year’s fatal “ACA Awards.”
8:22 – Eric Church’s acceptance speech, “Yo.”
8:21 – Ha! Maddie & Tae looked like they’d rather be listening to a sex ed sermon.
8:18 – Eric Church could not be here tonight, so his 7-story inflatable Satan accepts this award on his behalf.
8:17 – And their stupid Album of the Year award goes to Eric Church.
8:13 – And Vince Vaughn’s connection to country music is?
8:09 – Brett Eldridge just won something apparently. I was gawking on Twitter, which proved to be more entertaining than this show.
8:04 – One more hour of this. Thank Santa this isn’t a 3 hour awards show. I’m predicting tanked ratings.
8:03 – Love you Reba, but man, was that speech canned.
8:01 – No, don’t give Kix Brooks the mic again!
8:00 – Country music needs more full-figured gals who can actually sing.
7:57 – And here the medley goes: 21 seconds of the hooks of all the hits resulting a completely forgettable performance despite the strength of the material.
7:56 – Alright now, Miranda Lambert and Kelly Clarkson singing “How Blue” is not bad at all. Let’s hope it doesn’t turn into the medley.
7:55 – Is this a country awards show or Charlie Rose? Get on with this! No wonder they didn’t have Kix host.
7:52 – Hopefully this Reba stuff turns into the one redeeming value so far.
7:48 – See, that deflated feeling were all experiencing is what happens when the awards you’re handing out have no meaning.
7:46 – Kip Moore is SO casual he can’t even tie his stupid tux tie, or disguise it any better that this song rips off the beginning verse from Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire.”
7:45 – Breakdown Artist of the Year goes to Kip Moore.
7:42 – Spencer must be in Miranda’s auxiliary. Also saw him with Miranda when she performed “Somethin’ Bad” on the CMA Fan Fest special this summer. May be the best real country musician we see all night. British chap on the right.
7:39 – Hey, that’s Spencer Cullum Jr. on steel guitar from Caitlin Rose and Jonny Fritz’s band, and his new band with Jeremy Fetzer called “Steelism”!
7:37 – What a horrible song selection from Miranda Lambert, and it doesn’t compliment her voice whatsoever.
7:35 – This presentation so far has more awkward moments than watching porn with my mom.
7:32 – So apparently that dude from Florida Georgia Line made a crack about having sex with Carrie Underwood. I guess he doesn’t know her husband is a professional hockey player, and the ACCA’s don’t give out penalties for cross checking.
7:30 – Hoy shit, it’s a Jerrod Niemann sighting!
7:28 – Those panty waists didn’t even have the balls to say “stoned.” Take a cue from Kacey Musgraves and screw the censors.
7:25 – Tyler Hubbard bringing back Jams.
7:23 – Does Florida Georgia Line know it’s fucking December? It’s always summer when you’re sporting a subpar IQ.
7:22 – Sorry folks, website just crashed. Good problem to have I guess. Back up now.
7:17 – Not the “ACC Awards” Luke, the “ACCA Awards.” That’s okay, nobody else knows that either.
7:16 – Wow, my niece’s grade school presentation has a better pentameter than this show so far.
7:14 – Wearing a collared silk shirt with a baseball cap = self-conscious about being irrevocably bald.
7:13- No folks, there’s no purple alligators, Luke Bryan’s coat is made of PVC.
7:11 – Oh yeah, so the awards are all determined on sales, so we pretty much could figure out the winners before the show. I was going to do this, but completely lost interest.
7:08 – Oh my God Florida Georgia Line. Somewhere there’s a fern in a corner saying, “Meh, I could do better than this.”
7:06 – This thing is already fighting to find its pulse.
7:05 – Sources telling me Carrie Underwood’s gams will be receiving a special tribute tonight. RIP>
7:03 – Was hoping we’d at least get the redeeming value of Carrie Underwood performing “Something In The Water.” Maybe at the end for 18 seconds.
7:02- Oh shit, here comes the Greatest Hits “medley.” I’d rather hear Carrie Underwood giving birth.
7:01 – Way to start off topical ACCA’s, with an 8-year-old Carrie Underwood song.
7:00 – And here we go!
6:57 – What we know will transpire:
Hosts: Florida Georgia Line. Yes, really. It was supposed to be Kix Brooks, but then they unceremoniously replaced him.
Special Awards: Kenny Chesney will be given the “Groundbreaker Award” for “Innovation, excellence and expanding the country music genre.” Reba McEntire will be honored with the “NASH Icon” award. She is also the first signee to Scott Borchetta’s NASH Icon label, a partnership with Cumulus Media who is the big player behind these awards and the weekly “American Country Countdown” radio show.
Performers: Kenny Chesney, Miranda Lambert, Luke Bryan, Lady Antebellum, Jason Aldean, Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, Brett Eldredge, and Hank Williams Jr. will close out the show with a “party song.”
Presenters seem to come mostly from outside the music world, including Vince Vaughn, MLB pitcher Clayton Kershaw, NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson, Emily Kinney from the Walking Dead TV show, and Kix Brooks.
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6:50 – Let me start off by saying that I’ve been consternating over the decision to launch a LIVE blog over this ridiculousness over the last few weeks, and still only do so reluctantly. The simple fact is I have to watch this stuff anyway and would be conducting a LIVE blog in my head anyway, so I might as well share it. If you believe it is superfluous, unnecessary, a waste of time, or even counter-productive, you probably won’t get much of an argument out of me. But we also can’t all close our collective eyes and pretend none of this is happening just because we’re not paying attention to it. If there were any country awards worth paying attention to, we all know it would be the CMA’s, and the ACM’s, maybe.