Saving Country Music’s Worst Country Songs of 2014
The downward spiral for mainstream country music continues as evidenced by the following list of some of the most horrible offerings of 2014, though it is interesting to note that many of 2014’s “Worst Songs” selections were released in the first half of the year, and some even in late 2013 but did not rise into the greater consciousness until the change in the calendar. The second half of the year has been pretty light in bad songs, so maybe we are seeing a changing of the tide. Nonetheless, with how terrible these selections are, you could consider this not only the worst songs of 2014, but arguably a list of the majority of the worst songs in the history of country music.
To qualify for this list, the song had to be released as a single. And with such a crowded field, only the worst of the worst were selected. Feel free to share your most vilified songs of 2014 below.
READ: 2014 Saving Country Music Song of the Year Nominees
PLEASE NOTE: As Saving Country Music has threatened many times (and then reneged on), the era of “rants” is coming to an end, unless something is so egregious there is no other way to address it. That doesn’t mean there won’t be spirited and pointed (& sarcastic) criticism where it’s called for, but we will proceed in the future under the philosophy that an opinion is more convincing when it is explained to someone instead of screamed at them. So cherish this style of rhetoric while you can.
Brantley Gilbert “Bottom’s Up”
“In this the season of giving, can we all at least come together as one, regardless of sex, race, orientation, creed, religious, political or social status, or cultural background, and swallow our collective differences, hold hands in the common bond of humanity in a rising chorus of hosannas, and all universally decree that Brantley Gilbert is the biggest douche ass to ever suck air on planet Earth?
“Such a gift from heaven it has been to not have Brantley terrorizing us with new music for a good long while. But apparently Brantley was just resting up, refining his putrid exploration into the very innermost reaches of human vanity and self-ingratiation to then unleash upon his trashy fans with the sweet residue of methamphetamine glistening on the edges of their inflamed nostrils, the purest form of raging narcissism ever witnessed in Western Civilization in the construct of his new diarrhetic single ‘Bottoms Up,’ and it’s accompanying video.
“At one point in the video, three women are surrounding Brantley, rubbing their hands all over him. But these girls aren’t copping a feel, their feverishly searching for Brantley’s beleaguered genitals that have taken the form of two acorns flanking a Vienna sausage that then fled up into his abdomen like a rodent scampering into its hole the result of a tireless regimen of prolonged steroid abuse; hence the nonstop, headlong pursuit of this song and video to compensate and dramatically oversell Brantley’s manly prowess and masculine superiority.” (read full rant)
Cole Swindell “Chillin’ It”
“Cole Swindell is the most not-having-any-bit-of-soul-or-culture human being I think I have ever observed on God’s whole creation. He’s the human equivalent of a piece of bleached white bread with the crust cut off, served with a glass of room temperature tap water. He’s more milk toast than Caspar, and more boring than a bowl of vanilla. It’s like a thermonuclear holocaust of culture and personality-scrubbing destruction swept over Cole Swindell while he was swimming in the very fissile material of the root detonation agent, leaving a man that is so vacant of anything interesting or distinguishable that he is the utmost purified and scientifically-verifiable essence of Miriam Webster’s unabridged definition of ‘generic’ that could ever be procured as an example or proffered as evidence.
“’Chillin’ It’, just like Cole Swindell himself, is the refined, filtered, and homogenized version of something that was rapaciously trite and disappointing to being with. The first thing that pops in your head when hearing ‘Chillin’ It’ is that it’s pretty blatantly Florida Georgia Line’s ‘Cruise’ version 2.0. Except somehow, inexplicably, Swindell discovered how to do them even one worse by engineering something so aggressively vapid that labeling the song ‘bad’ even seems to bestow this spiritless, prosaic waste of effort with more personality and distinction than it actually contains or deserves.” (read full rant)
NOTE: Was released officially in 2013, but didn’t rise to prominence and become a multi-week #1 until March of 2014.
Tim McGraw “Lookin’ For That Girl“
“Apparently the once high-flying country star has been inadvertently inoculating himself with inebriating bronzer agents from his incessant chemical tan treatments that have now seeped into his blood stream. And combined with an undiagnosed eating disorder that has rendered McGraw’s figure to that of a 55-year-old Venice beach female body builder succumbing to a lifetime of melanoma, Tim has robbed precious nutrients from his gray matter, stupefying him into such an absolute scientifically-infallible vacuum and void of self-awareness that physicists want to employ it to see if it is the ultimate key to tabletop fusion. ‘Lookin’ For That Girl’ isn’t a cry for relevancy, it is a barbaric yawp, a banshee scream, a cacophonous ode to the onset of monoculture and wholesale mediocrity.
“The icing on this urine-drenched urinal cake topped with cigarette butts, spent gum, and used inside-out prophylactics oozing their venereal slurry out on the diarrhea-infested floor is the fact that through the entire drum machine-driven song Tim McGraw is singing through an Auto-tune filter turned to 11. T-Pain, eat your top hat-wearing heart out. I’ve been saying for years now that Tim McGraw is more machine than man, but not even I could have predicted this unmitigated rejection and headlong flight from anything analog or authentic. Hell, why do we even need a human to sing this fucking song? We should just have one of those iRobot floor cleaners sing it. At least that way it would be on hand to swab up the hurl this monstrosity will invariably evoke from enlightened music listener’s disgruntled guts. And like an iRobot incidentally, ‘Lookin’ For That Girl’ will also freak the everliving shit out of your dog.” (read full rant)
Jason Aldean – “Burnin’ It Down”
“‘Burnin’ It Down’ is a Casiotone piece of impersonal electronic awfulness in which any sign of true human inspiration or involvement has been so antiseptically replaced in lieu of animatronic tones and absolutist perfectitudes, the term ‘soul’ has been completely and forever banished from being associated with this robotic piece of misanthropic pap. This isn’t a song, this is some guy with a MacBook Pro creating an electronic sound bed to send over to Aldean’s studio so he can overlay his Auto-tune’d vocals and call it good. As Tom Petty would say, ‘You put your name on it, but you didn’t do that.’ Even the guitar tones have been been so exhaustively massaged by 1”²s and 0”²s they sound like the warning signals emitted from a Star Wars protocol droid right before it explosively self-destructs. A kitten aimlessly careening across a Korg keyboard in a catnip stupor could make a more compelling composition than this.
“Sorry Jason Aldean, but this song isn’t sexy, it’s creepy. They should exhume Barry White and make it the sole goal of the international scientific community to revive him for the exclusive purpose of kicking Jason Aldean’s ass for this song. What does Aldean know about sexy time anyhow? Aldean ain’t got the moves like Jagger, he’s got the moves like Grimmace. Mating couples won’t find “Burnin’ It Down” sexy unless they get equally horny for the annual return of the McRib. This song is a awkward as a hard on in a Speedo. ‘Burnin’ It Down’ isn’t for intimate couples, it’s for lonely women to get all lubed up with in anticipation of an intimate encounter with Clyde the battery-powered hammerer.
“The best part of this song ran down Aldean’s pasty inner thigh and ended up as an embarrassing stain on his $700 sheets. He should have worn a rubber instead of inseminating our ear holes with this public health audio pandemic. No, that burning you feel in your genitals isn’t from erotic allure, it’s because this song is the audio equivalent of a pussing venereal onslaught.” (read full roast)
Florida Georgia Line (w/ Luke Bryan) “This Is How We Roll”
“Like one of those stationary rides in the front of Wal-Mart for toddlers, ‘This Is How We Roll’ makes a lot of noise, has a bunch of flashing lights, bumps up and down a little bit, but in the end, goes absolutely fucking nowhere. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers soundtrack has more sincerity, depth, and nutritional value than this explosion of diarrhea in country music’s bikini cut man briefs.
“An environment of sexual perversion and sheer stupidity permeates ‘This Is How We Roll’ and its respective video from stem to stern, including a scene near the start of the video with a dollop of hussies having consensual sex with a Kenworth. I sure hope these chicks have their Tetanus records in order. And then of course we have Tweedledee and Tweedledum from Florida Georgia Line riding on top of the semi like Teen Wolf, with the same display of doltishness and disconnect with self-awareness many mid 80”²s movies like Teen Wolf were horrifically beset with.” (read full rant)
Jake Owen “Beachin’”
“What’s going on here folks is now that Kenny Chesney has been put out to pasture by the country music powers that be, somebody has to step up and fill the void for swaying, stupid, sand between the toes sonnets of suburban escapism for 40-something women with skin Cancer on their shoulders to hold their Corona Lights high in the air to and scream ‘Whoooo!’ while breathing in the smoke of their Home Depot citronella tiki torches ”¦ Now Jake Owen and others are stepping up to fill this void of what apparently is a must-have staple of the American country music radio dial.
“As much as hearing even the opening stanza of a corporate country beach song can make a distinguishing music listener pucker harder than trying to down a cheap Mexican beer without lime or salt, Jake Owen and ‘Beachin’’ makes this exercise even more excruciating by featuring him rapping, yes, rapping the verses ”¦ yo yo. And to this end, Owen delivers what has to be the worst white boy rap performance that has ever been proffered to human beings for public consumption that isn’t meant to be taken as ironic. I guess his voice is supposed to be all low and sexy, but the ultra-monotone and lifeless pitch makes Charlie Brown’s teacher sound like Loretta Lynn. Is the term ‘Beachin’’ supposed to be a lyrical hook that delivers some sort of payoff? Because it’s about as unfulfilling as Daytona Beach when you’re dreaming of CancÃºn.” (read full semi rant)
Maggie Rose – “Girl In Your Truck Song”
“I think we have just unearthed the biggest cultural abomination that has ever been classified as “country” music in its 70 year existence. No, I’m not talking bad, awful, terrible, or any other such adjectives. Even those words would seem to instill this embarrassment with a dollop of undeserved respect. Truth be known, there are songs that officially sound worse than this one out there for sure, or that are more stupid either purposefully or inadvertently. But the degree of slavitude and cultural backsliding celebrated and edified in this song is as abhorrent as it is alarmingly calamitous, and hovers only very slightly, and uncomfortably so, above genuine calls of gender downgrading and the erosion of sexual equality in American society, bordering on downright pleas for date rape. I pray that I have the strength to steady my hands enough to coherently compose just how angry this song makes me.
“From the heartfelt yet respectful concerns of some for how young women were being portrayed in country songs, to downright calls of sexism being perpetrated in country music from the ‘Bro-Country’ takedown of the genre, sincere worry was already being transmitted from many sectors about female’s devolving role in the country music format. Now this alarming trend takes a gigantic leap forward (or backward, as it were), as a young woman voluntarily puts herself directly in the path of the misogynistic and materialistic locomotive that is modern day country music by pleading with her overbearing beau captor to allow her to become the subordinate piece of meat that is portrayed in all the worst hits of the ‘Bro-Country’ era…As one studious observer on Twitter pointed out to me, women in country music have now become so marginalized, Stockholm Syndrome has set in. When Rolling Stone Country talked to Maggie Rose about this song, she said, ‘There are females embracing that role that all these men are writing about.'” (read full rant)
Florida Georgia Line – “Sun Daze”
“At this point, Florida Georgia Line has settled quite nicely into being the great American sedative of our generation. Just as producer Joey Moi did with Nickelback before them, this music affords a vacation from self-reflection or truly beneficial thought. ISIS is beheading people in the Middle East and engaging in horrific genocide, the economic disparity between social classes continues to increase and has never been more pronounced. But that’s okay, you can put on the latest Florida Georgia Line single and all the girls are hot, all the guys get laid, and libations and narcotics are at your beck and call. This is the type of vacationary audio lubrication that keeps the engine of corporate America purring along just fine. Don’t get down; get high and buy shit.
“’Sun Daze’ is a reversion back to the stupid-ass beach bum singalongs aka the same garbage Bro-Country replaced. Hell, ‘Bacardi’ and ‘flip flops’ are much easier to find things to rhyme with than ‘tailgate.’ Screw that we’re actually heading into the Winter, it’s always sunny in shitty country music la la land. (read full semi-rant)
Jerrod Niemann “Donkey”
“‘Donkey’ is an uprovocated ass raping of the ears, and if any Niemannites come here preaching to me the virtues of this song because ‘country music must evolve,’ I will personally take a pair of donkey balls and use them to tea bag each and every one of their bedroom pillows when they’re not looking. “Donkey” isn’t just bad, it defines the catastrophic trainwrecking of the entire human evolutionary timeline. 800,000 years of homo sapien progress brought to a screeching halt because one pudgy douchebag wants an arena-sized “country” career before his pubes turn gray. “Donkey” is a harbinger for a dark age for arts, entertainment, and intelligence that humankind is on the precipice of plummeting headlong into.
“The worst song ever? I’m tired to doling out this distinction only to have to offer a revision every six weeks when some other pop country asshole finds a new gradient for rock bottom, but Jerrod Niemann’s EDM-encrusted, braying ass certainly deserves to be in the discussion for that most disgraceful of honors.” (read full rant)
- Billy Ray Cyrus – “Achy Breaky 2”³ (disqualified for being released simply for shock value)
- Sam Hunt – “Leave The Night On” (not as much bad as incorrectly filed in country)
- Cole Swindell – “Hope You Get Lonely Tonight” (read review)
- Chase Rice – “Ready, Set, Roll” (still deserves a proper rant)
December 8, 2014 @ 9:42 am
Donkey resulted in me removing the station that played it from my radio presets.
I’d say 80% of what they play on the radio isn’t worth a shit, and I have loose standards.
December 8, 2014 @ 9:49 am
I’m gonna be controversial over here and say if there’s a huge indication of where radio country is going right now, it’s gone to the direction of a pedophile having sex with children and the parents giving the pedophile a pat on the back.
December 8, 2014 @ 11:34 am
This comment is outrageously bold …..and so close to the truth we should , as a society , be ashamed of what we allow to be exposed to our kids under the guise of ‘entertainment’ . From movies to ‘music’ to all things accessible online which not only don’t hold anything redeeming but undermine what a civilized culture DOES value as redeeming ….the hand basket is getting frighteningly crowded.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:32 pm
Seriously, the only thing more irritating than the songs posted above is this kind of hysterical moralizing.
December 11, 2014 @ 2:05 pm
December 14, 2014 @ 7:26 am
…I wouldn’t t equate venting with “hysterical moralizing”…
December 24, 2014 @ 7:07 am
Songs about men and younger girls have been around country music for a long time. Mel Street sang “Forbidden Angel” in the 70s. He had a couple of other songs too that were about the “forbidden fruit”. Just saying…it’s not like this kind of country song is just starting.
December 8, 2014 @ 9:53 am
I think Miranda Lambert’s and Carrie Underwood’s “Something Bad Is Going To Happen” should at least be on the dishonorable mention list if just from sheer disappointment. Instead of two powerhouse country voices putting out a decent song, we get what equates to a self glorification of bad assery that’s laughable and sounds like a drunken karaoke version of an Aerosmith or Def Leppard tune. They seemed too concerned with keeping up with what Florida Georgia Line was doing and not enough on what they’re good at.
December 8, 2014 @ 2:35 pm
Agreed on the aptly titled “Somethin’ Bad.” Kinda makes me wish they had instead covered Reba McEntire & Linda Davis’ “Does He Love You?”, or else tackled a similar woman-to-woman ballad…
As for what made the list, I don’t think I’ve even heard any of these songs — except possibly the Sam Hunt one in the dishonorable mentions — but I’ve looked up the lyrics for a lot of them. Sheesh. :p
December 8, 2014 @ 6:21 pm
I said the same thing when I heard this song but I’m not sure if Miranda has the pipes to cover that one. But why couldn’t they have written a “Mad Miranda” version of “Does He Love You.” Carrie is the vixen coming along trying to steal the man away and Miranda is the strong willed wife who isn’t giving up her man. If they want to push the envelope make it a murder ballad. Miranda seems to love to sing about her shotgun. Maybe a “You Ain’t Woman Enough To Take My Man” meets “Buenos Noches From A Lonely Room.”
Oh wait doing this would involve a Nashville mainstream songwriter coming out with an original idea that doesn’t involve tailgates, moonlight, Or glorified drinking And then putting those thoughts poetically to music, ie a song. But that doesn’t seem to happen anymore.
Like Dukes said, we were warned and “Something Bad” did happen…..mostly to our ears.
December 8, 2014 @ 3:02 pm
Trigger may respond to this…but I’d say the fact that the title of the song, “Something Bad” is so spot on removed it from consideration.
They WARNED you going in.
December 8, 2014 @ 7:20 pm
I had “Somethin Bad” in the “Dishonorable Mention” slot when I posted the “halfway point” version of this in June. But here I just felt like it didn’t deserve to be lumped in with these others. I hate the song, but I think it’s more unfortunate than downright terrible.
December 8, 2014 @ 8:02 pm
We understand what you were doing Trigger. You were going for a worst of the worst list and I think you nailed it. A very unfortunate thing is how long this list could have been. Nashville supplied plenty of material that could have made a worst of list any year.
Just wondering when the Saving Country Music year end awards will be televised? Now that would be a good show. No special Hip Hop guests, no pyrotechnics, no trendy liquor sponsorships…just good taste, good people, and what we all are here for, good music.
December 9, 2014 @ 2:13 pm
“Somethin’ Bad” to me was a missed opportunity. You have two very good female singers that could have done a song more traditional-leaning and blow everybody away. Instead it was just a big letdown.
December 8, 2014 @ 9:59 am
1. Sun Daze
2. Looking For That Girl
3. Burnin’ It Down
5. Chillin’ It
6. This Is How We Roll
7. Bottoms Up
8. Girl In Your Truck Song
December 8, 2014 @ 10:02 am
It suddenly dawned on me that all of this shit would not bother me one bit if there was a law that did not allow any of it to be called “Country Music”. I wouldn’t even mind them calling it music.
Therein lies the tragedy of it all.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:13 am
On the bright side, Donkey did so poorly on radio Niemann and his people pulled it after just a few weeks.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:55 am
And they pulled “Drink To That All Night” in the process. We’ll have to see where NIemann goes from here, but we may be looking at the release of “Donkey” as the death knell to his entire career.
December 8, 2014 @ 2:35 pm
It’s entirely possible. Buzz Back Girl was sent to radio nearly five months ago and is still only at #35 on Mediabase this week.
December 9, 2014 @ 1:00 pm
I don’t know about you, but both of Portland, Oregon’s stations still play “Drink To That All Night” regularly as a recurrent! -__-
December 10, 2014 @ 2:52 am
From terrestrial radio, anyway. Sadly, it still pops up in places that get their music via data lines. At my last job, they had one of those damn boxes that piped in all this new country dreck, and when I left just a few months ago, Donkey was still getting played on a pretty regular basis.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:15 am
The only horrible song of the year I think you’re missing is Rae Lynn’s “God Made Girls” which about the most sexist piece of crap any woman has ever put on country radio. God made girls to be engineers, doctors, lawyers, mothers, and generally ass kicking specimens of humanity thank you very much.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:58 am
It’s pretty bad and I gave it a negative review, but I felt it was nowhere near as bad as “Girl In Your Truck Song” or some others. THe reason it’s caused some controversy lately was because it was picked up by Clear Channel’s “On The Verge” program. Otherwise it would have just blended into the background as the mediocre song it is.
December 8, 2014 @ 11:28 am
God Made Girls is not a good song, but it is a song about a woman placing a traditional feminine role upon herself, and giving value and respect to that role. It goes to far in implying that this role is universal, but it is not really anti-feminist or degrading.
Girl in Your Truck Song, on the other hand, is a woman telling the boys that she wants to be objectified and treated as a sex object. She values herself only in what the boys see in her. It is a disgusting message for both girls and boys.
December 8, 2014 @ 11:35 am
That’s a valid point. I think the reason RaeLynn’s song makes me so aggravated is because it’s target audience is obviously the very impressionable preteen/young teen market. My 13 year old niece loves the song. It’s just such a limited view of a women’s worth that girls that age REALLY don’t need to be hearing.
I can’t disagree that Girl in a Truck Song is MUCH worse, but (luckily) at least in my town it’s not getting the radio play that God Made Girls is getting.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:17 am
The money spends nicely I’m sure, but damn, how did the guys in FGL not die of embarrassment after that Gomer Pyle “holla at ya boy” nonsense in “This Is How We Roll”? And as for “Burnin’ It Down,” whoever wrote it is obviously a virgin with no idea what really happens when the lights go out. Doesn’t know how to drink, either: “sippin’ on some cold Jack Daniel’s”? It’s not Gatorade, shithead–ever heard of taking it neat?
December 8, 2014 @ 11:21 am
Ha Ha….Funny you should mention the writers of “Burnin’ It Down.” None other than Florida Georgia Line are credited as cowriters.
As for the cold Jack Daniels line, it just reminds me of the people who don’t drink whiskey because they like the taste, they only do it because it’s the “cool thing to do” and modern “Country” music tells them they should.
December 10, 2014 @ 2:56 am
Of all the things to drink just because it’s cool. lol Almost as bad as the hipsters who don’t really like hops, yet will rave about the latest double IPA from a brewery only they’ve heard of.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:19 am
After seeing the candidates, it’s quite sad what has become of Mainstream Country. I still can’t believe people listen and buy into this shit, there truly is a lot of stupid people in the world.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:21 am
I am fortunate to say that I have never heard a single one of these songs, nor have I heard of half of these artists.
December 8, 2014 @ 10:25 am
You know, I’m going to stand by ‘Beachin’ as actually being the best example of what it’s trying to do, and I can’t say it’s a bad song. The chorus is melodic and well-composed, Jake Owen brings a ton of laid back charisma to the table, it’s not a song that rings as obnoxious, and speaking as someone who has listened to more Colt Fold, Chase Rice, and that abomination that Asher Roth dropped this year, I’ve heard far worse white boy rap. In other words, it’s a song that does exactly what it’s designed to do, and though I’m not going to call it a classic or something that the Zac Brown Band hasn’t done better, it works for me.
And placing it on a worst-of list when you have ‘Something Bad’ by Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood, ‘Small Town Throwdown’ by Brantley Gilbert, Justin Moore, and Thomas Rhett, and everything released by Cole Swindell, Chase Rice, and Sam Hunt is baffling to me.
December 9, 2014 @ 12:56 pm
I may find more to dislike than like about “Beachin'”, but I agree it’s not among the absolute worst. Owen’s likeability and charisma is a saving grace for sure.
I just find his impersonation of Shawn Mullins vocally annoying beyond compare. That was essentially the dealbreaker for me.
December 9, 2014 @ 6:55 pm
And I was lucky enough to completely miss the existence of Shawn Mullins growing up, so I was never really coloured by that adult-alternative anti-nostalgia. I guess I’ll count myself lucky, then.
Cute n Country Courtney
December 8, 2014 @ 10:56 am
WRONG! ALL WRONG!! Are you serious? The only song that sucks is stupid Donkey! I disagree with the rest maybe Tim ok I can see that X-D
Wallet Chain Truckin Travis
December 8, 2014 @ 12:01 pm
you tell em courtney. these weren’t hits because they suck! you should hit me up so we can drink some cold beers on my tailgate sometime.
December 8, 2014 @ 1:57 pm
Don’t you mean cold Jack Daniels? Or Bacardi? Or some sugar in a Dixie Cup?
Cute n Country Courtney
December 9, 2014 @ 8:09 am
Wtf are you talking about?? Ummmm……
December 9, 2014 @ 9:47 am
Don’t you ever listen to country music? Cool country dudes drink cold Jack Daniels (“Burnin’ It Down”), Southern Comfort (“Night Train”), PatrÃ³n tequila (“Aw Naw”), Bacardi (pretty much every FGL song), or they pour some sugar in a Dixie cup (Luke Bryan).
Nobody drinks beer these days except old guys like Toby Keith.
Cute n Country Courtney
December 9, 2014 @ 2:28 pm
When the hell did I mention Luke Bryan or Toby Keith? Dude, I am only 20 just because I didn’t agree to a review because I think that there are worse songs that suck ass on the radio now I am a sloppy drunk? I am not even old enough to drink so quit with your narrow minded judgements & go bitch at someone else I have a right to my opinion just as you do! The nickname is just something that I made up because I rather not have my real name on a public website for safety reasons which is not any of your business! Lastly,how is it that you know so much about liquor & the songs that those singers sing? Have a great day! Mean ass!
Cute n Country Courtney
December 9, 2014 @ 8:01 am
Wallet chain truckin Travis sounds great boo 😉
Cute n Country Courtney
December 9, 2014 @ 2:37 pm
Btw….those other songs f*cking suck too!
December 8, 2014 @ 5:25 pm
I really hope that “Cute n Country Courtney” is a satire/parody. But I’m afraid that she is a real person. I’ve met girls just like her. Jason Aldean is the sexiest man alive, according to their white trash drunken opticals and remarkably low values.
Cute n Country Courtney
December 9, 2014 @ 8:07 am
Really Kevin? Do you know me? I think not,so stop being so judgemental! Seems like you can use a beer to lighten up! 🙂 Just kidding! Have a blessed day!! Oh & yeah Jason Aldean used to be hot but he’s old now & that’s gross.
December 9, 2014 @ 9:53 am
Speaking of old, Cute ‘n’ Country was the name of a Connie Smith album. She’s old enough to be Jason Aldean’s mom. Actually she’s old enough to be his grandma if both generations started young.
Cute n Country Courtney
December 9, 2014 @ 2:11 pm
And your point is??? I mean can you make up your mind or what?Also, who cares I never even heard of that song or singer it’s something I made up because I felt like it besides why are you so butthurt Tom?
Cute n Country Courtney
December 9, 2014 @ 2:31 pm
And why are you so obsessed with Jason Aldean?
December 8, 2014 @ 11:05 am
So many horrible songs in so many different ways:
“Bottom”™s Up” – I mentioned these lyrics to a friend and she laughed so hard at them. She said she thought it was one of those horrible mainstream hiphop songs that her roommate listened to.
“Chillin”™ It” – An almost exact copy of “Cruise” as done by someone with absolutely no charisma, but a whole lot of awkwardness.
“Lookin”™ for that Girl” – A middle aged guy going “what? this is what all the kids like now, isn”™t it? isn”™t it? why are you all laughing??”
“Burnin”™ it Down” – This song is just flatly embarrassing. I will never, NEVER be able to scrub the way he sang “nekkid” out of my brain. I feel violated.
“This is How We Roll” – This song was EVERYWHERE. It was being talked about by everyone, it was being played by random people ”¦ it was played on talk radio of all place. It was inescapable horror that made life that much less worth living.
“Beachin”™” – This song is the least bad of the songs on the list, which depresses me pretty badly, as that highlights just how AWFUL everything else was to make this song only “kinda bad”. And yeah, “Ready, Set, Roll” was soooo much worse than this one.
“Girl in your Truck Song” – I read so many things saying that she “used to be so much better than this!” But you know what, this was the first and so far only song I have ever heard from her. Yep, her first impression upon me was as someone who will throw away all integrity to sing a corporate song that defends a horrid subgenre, and jumps onto the bandwagon like a true sell out. I suppose this song got her noticed, but certainly not in a good way.
“Sun Daze” – “stick a pink umbrella in your drink” ”¦ nothing else needs to be said!
“Donkey” – This thing was a stupid, stupid joke that never should have been made, but definitely should never have been released as a single, good lord! If this song killed his career, well it was deserved death. People are going to be mocking this song for decades to come, I have no doubt.
December 8, 2014 @ 11:13 am
You forgot “Small Town Throwdown.” It sounds like something Earl Dibbles, Jr. left on the cutting room floor.
December 8, 2014 @ 7:31 pm
That’s another that probably deserves a rant but time got away from me.
December 8, 2014 @ 11:22 am
Here’s my experience: I was driving and flipping through the radio and ALL I HEARD was a dobro solo section. I thought “hey this sounds somewhat country.” Then came Tyler Hubbard’s voice… I’m sure the dobro is only there for irony, because those two douchebags probably didn’t even know what a dobro was before that song. They’re adding country sounding instruments to make people think it’s country, while also name dropping hip hop people. It’s dispicable… They call themselves country, yet most of them have no respect for country’s past and the artists that came before them. A person can have the best traditional country songs ever and get no attention, while a douche can put on a backwards ball cap, turn on a drum machine, rap about beer, girls, and tailgates, and BAM, they’re an instant star. Burns me up!
December 8, 2014 @ 11:28 am
The head-shaking commercial success of most of these songs says FAR more about the people listening to and buying it than Trigger or any of us could ever say about the people making it .
December 8, 2014 @ 11:47 am
BTW , Trigger , although you are preaching primarily to the choir your breakdown above is incredibly skilfully and entertainingly executed . I doubt that your comments will change the minds of listeners already indoctrinated into the blissfully blind music cult that swims in this crap .
December 8, 2014 @ 11:55 am
Although to be fair, it’s probably less the singers’ faults and more the producers and writers (Dallas Davidson for example) faults for picking these people and destroying country’s foundations with these songs. Some of these artists could and would sing better stuff if they could get success out of it. But FGL and Cole Swindell really are that bad. All you have to do is look at their poses on their albums. It’s like their trying to look stupid and are proud of it. I have no clue how any girl can possibly say they look hot. They look ridiculous.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:58 pm
Actually, the fault lies with country radio programmers for broadcasting this sort of thing and with the various country music promotional organizations (CMA, ACM, etc.) for embracing it.
I don’t have any problem with artists and execs producing whatever the heck they want, even if I think it sucks.
Dave from Kansas
December 8, 2014 @ 11:55 am
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes….and then I watched the video with Kellie Pickler doing “Honky Tonk Angels.” WOWWWW!!!!! It doesn’t get any better that that! There’s hope, we just have to look for it. Thanks Trig.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:18 pm
Lmao…well played Trigger, well played.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:24 pm
Somewhere (probably in one of the Nashville suburbs) Eric Church is breathing a sigh of relief.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:36 pm
That is truly a list of the most garbage songs in country music history. I think that the time frame from mid-2013 to mid-2014 will go down in history as the nadir of the genre. I also agree that country radio seems to have shown significant improvement since this summer. In my local station, bro-country used to constitute about 90% of the songs in the 7-10 period in the evening early this year. Virtually all of the fan-requested songs in the 9-10 hour were bro-country. Now, it makes up only about 50% of the 3-hour period, and less than half of the fan-requested songs.
I think that the future of country music looks promising.
December 8, 2014 @ 3:05 pm
Yeah, it seems like country radio is already trending slightly upward out of the dark depths to which it sunk during the bro-country era. There are even a handful of songs currently on Billboard’s top ten that I actually somewhat like, amazingly. Right now “Shotgun Rider” by Tim McGraw and “Something in the Water” by Carrie Underwood are at one and two on the charts respectively, and both are actually pleasant and convey a genuine emotional message. I also enjoy “Talladega” by Eric Church, though I’m usually pretty ambivalent toward that guy. And the fact that “Girl in a Country Song” by Maddie and Tae is at number four on the charts and still rising is certainly intriguing, despite the fact that the song itself isn’t that great. (I will be curious to see if they can continue their radio success moving forward.)
Of course, we still have to deal with the leftover refuse of Florida Georgia Line’s last album, and the success of Sam Hunt poses a different kind of threat to the integrity of the genre. But I do think it will be interesting to see where mainstream country goes in the post-bro era.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:48 pm
Even though there’s hope, I’m also afraid of what will happen to country in my lifetime. I grew up in the Brad Paisley and Keith Urban days, but it’s gotten so much worse since then. It seemed to all of a sudden transform into Bro-Country. Say what you want about that generation. Keith could be pretty bad sometimes, but the first songs I was exposed to included, “You’ll Think of Me” and “Tonight I Wanna Cry” and some others I can’t think of. He wasn’t always “Somewhere in My Car.” So really, the excuse that Garth Brooks and Shania Twain are old country to them is not an excuse at all. I prefer Waylon, Hank Jr., Willie, Johhny Cash, Merle, Lorretta, both George’s, Conway, Alan Jackson (if he counts), and many other real country singers, and think the OLDER music from Brad, Carrie, Keith, Tim, and Kenny are just fine. But none of this Bro-Country stuff and the horrible stuff even the people I grew up hearing are doing now.
December 8, 2014 @ 1:02 pm
“I prefer……… both George”™s……….”
That’s not a surprise, George Morgan and George Hamilton, IV are fairly similar artists.
December 8, 2014 @ 1:15 pm
I was thinking of George Jones and George Strait. I can’t help but feel slightly insulted.
December 8, 2014 @ 2:27 pm
I knew what you meant, they are far and away the most successful men named George in the history of country music.
But they aren’t the only two guys named George to hold a place in the history of country music, so the use of the phrase “both Georges” in a historical context is a pet peeve of mine.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:50 pm
Also, I would argue that “Ready Set Roll” may be the single worst song on this list. I would replace “Girl in Your Truck Song” with “Ready Set Roll”.
December 8, 2014 @ 12:55 pm
Agreed. I can’t bear to listen to that monstrosity. It somehow combines every horrible element of Bro-Country in one song.
December 8, 2014 @ 1:48 pm
It’s an almost impossible task to rank the terribleness of these laundry-list bro country songs because they are so generic. I can hardly tell the difference between any Florida-Georgia Line, Cole Swindell, or Chase Rice song because of nondescript nature of them.
December 8, 2014 @ 7:27 pm
The reason “Ready, Set, Roll” is not on the list is because I didn’t write a rant for it. At least I haven’t yet. There’s no need to replace anything because this list doesn’t have a set number of entrees.
December 8, 2014 @ 1:04 pm
Thankfully, the only one of those I’ve heard is “Donkey” and I didn’t realise at the time it was supposed to be a country song!
December 8, 2014 @ 1:18 pm
I can’t honestly rate any of them because I can’t get through any of them without puking. What ridiculous garbage they are.
December 8, 2014 @ 1:31 pm
And to imagine one of these songs (This is how we roll) was playing at the Wings over Houston Airshow as the Blue Angels were just starting to fly … Unfortunately amongst my friends, I was the only one who thought it was a bit disrespectful
December 8, 2014 @ 1:40 pm
I would add Brad Paisley’s ‘Perfect Storm’ to the list. It’s just an incredibly lazy song and terribly cliche like a Nicholas Sparks novel.
December 9, 2014 @ 12:52 pm
Eh, some of its lyrics are rather corny (especially the “She’s not just a song, she’s the whole mixtape” line)……….but I honestly find more to like about “Perfect Storm” than dislike.
The big production fits the ambitious title and still has flourishes of country instrumentation, while Paisley’s vocal sounds convincingly affecting. And while a few choice lines are clumsy, I do appreciate he at least aims for nuance, especially in the second verse.
It’s not a great song, but I consider it a good song, and there are plenty more bigger fish to fry than this.
December 8, 2014 @ 1:46 pm
I am a bit surprised to see “Donkey” on this list in lieu of, say, “Ready Set Roll,” partly because the other songs on this list are actually offensive, sexist, stereotyped, etc., and Donkey is just really really stupid. (A least Niemann shows some semblance of self-awareness by admitting the song is stupid and having his banjo-guitar player perform with that donkey head on…) I can actually tolerate hearing it, whereas the others are outright offensive. (best of the worst I guess.)
December 8, 2014 @ 2:44 pm
“As Saving Country Music has threatened many times (and then reneged on), the era of ‘rants’ is coming to an end, unless something is so egregious there is no other way to address it.”
As much as I would miss the rants — your description of “Lookin’ for That Girl” still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl — I would certainly hope the overall country landscape shapes up to the point where those truly rant-worthy moments become even fewer and farther between. 🙂
December 8, 2014 @ 7:21 pm
It very well may be that there’s just nothing that deserves a rant moving forward, or much less stuff that does. If the second half of 2014 is any indication, that very well might be the case.
December 9, 2014 @ 12:48 pm
Trust me……………if Lee Brice releases “Girls With Bikinis” as a single, or Sam Hunt releases “Ex To See”, you will reconsider in an instant! 😉
I also think if you happened upon Darius Rucker’s current single “Homegrown Honey”, your triglycerides would spike off the charts! =P
December 8, 2014 @ 4:29 pm
Also, I would argue that “Ready Set Roll” may be the single worst song on this list. I would replace “Girl in Your Truck Song” with “Ready Set Roll”.
Amen to that. I thought the line “get ya little fine ass on the step shimmy up inside” was quite possibly the single worst lyric I had heard in any song ”” ever. I still wanna see a rant on that song, very badly.
As far as Jerrod Niemann’s career ceash goes, couldn’t happen to a more deserving hack.
December 9, 2014 @ 12:46 pm
I completely get the sentiment as I wish I could thrash that again myself! 😉
That said, “Ready Set Roll” was officially released as a single in 2013, so it would be ineligible for this calendar year. That’s also why you won’t find “Bottoms Up” or “Get Me Some Of That” in my list.
December 8, 2014 @ 6:06 pm
I’m truly hoping you will permanently renege on your desire to tone down your “rants” in the future as they are the main reason I stop by “Saving Country Music”! In fact I’d venture most of your rants are borderline literary masterpieces and so unique that they are what differentiates SCM from, and elevates it above, other country music blogs. You present by far the most articulate and scathing ranting about the current state of country music of any other blogger I’ve yet encountered and by quite a margin at that.
I don’t come to SCM to be convinced about anything or have my opinions shaped, I come here to be entertained and your rants are so pointed, articulate and accurate that they are far more enlightening than any pleasantries ever could be.
I think you should have a topic thread where you poll your readers/participants whether they want more rants, less rants, or about the same relative frequency of rants in 2015. The results might surprise you! (lol)
December 8, 2014 @ 7:00 pm
I have very little confidence in telling anyone that there will be no more rants on the site in the future. When I write a rant, it truly comes from the sincere anger I am feeling and looking to release through writing. I can’t plan to write a rant, or decide to write less or more of them. They just sort of happen. But what I learned from the last Florida Georgia Line album review that became to most-read article on the site in history is when I dial the sarcasm back just a bit but keep the passion, it can have a wider impact.
I appreciate your praise of the rants.
December 11, 2014 @ 9:38 pm
Generally, I can take or leave the rants but I have to say your mash up of ‘1994’ was so funny I had to get an appendectomy or something. That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long, long time and, in my opinion all the others have fallen short. Of course, you set the bar very, very high on that one. The whole bit about the slurry was perfect.
December 8, 2014 @ 9:16 pm
Jason aldean. Sings great but he is an immoral crude pig with a skank for a girlfriend. Country music xoesne need him
December 9, 2014 @ 7:25 am
“Sings great?” What’s all that about? His vocal range is about three notes and he sounds like he has a harelip needs to have his adenoids removed.
December 8, 2014 @ 9:38 pm
Jason Aldean sounds terrible live. Have you seen him on the CMAs and all that? He always sounds like he has a cold. That’s one artist who needs to lip sync.
December 9, 2014 @ 6:40 am
Trigger, I don’t think you get the credit you deserve for some of the images you pick for these articles. The one of Cole Swindell perfectly captures the awkward duchebaggery and hackness of that turd. The expression on his face and his gesticulation makes him look like one of the characters from those old Don Martin comics in the classic days Mad Magazine. Which is completely apropos, of course.
December 9, 2014 @ 7:31 am
Burnin it down, and it’s a landslide.
December 9, 2014 @ 9:12 am
Hi Trigger, you did a very masterful and creative way of putting this list together, your words accurately explain and define what has happened to mainstream country music, I wish you could change the way mainstream country music listeners think of today’s country music, but sadly I don’t think you’ll get very far with persuading them, since they’re already engulfed in this wasteland of cardboard flavored shit you call music. Btw I’ve been thinking about this for sometime now, but have you done a review on Danielle Bradberrys self-titled album?
December 9, 2014 @ 12:13 pm
December 9, 2014 @ 9:12 am
just for the record I am not the “cute and country courtney” from above but I bet if you searched that username on Instagram you could probably confirm her existence. I’m sure there’s tons of pictures of her in hunting clothes she never actually hunts in.
anyway I’d also like to nominate “hey bartender” because lady a needs to switch over to sad fm easy listening for the over 30s.
April 3, 2016 @ 6:15 am
December 9, 2014 @ 10:42 am
My wife made a good point about FGL/Luke Bryan, explaining why she preferred FGL. Something along the lines of:
“Both are horrible, but Florida Georgia Line just seem like genuine dumbasses, who might at least be fun to hang out with at a party. Luke Bryan just seems like a soulless piece of shit. He’s the worst.”
That’s why I married her!
December 9, 2014 @ 1:25 pm
What a great way to put it….”genuine dumbasses”
I’ve always been drawn to watch FGL due to the level of d-bag-ness they bring with them in such a serious way. They truly think they are hot shit, but are the ones that everyone with a brain is laughing at. That is all summed up in the phrase: genuine dumbasses
December 9, 2014 @ 10:44 am
I swear Jarrod Niemann’s donkey song is his way of fucking w/ country radio. Put out the worst pop/bro country songs you can come up with, and let them dig their own grave.
Jarrod is so much more talented than this shit he puts out.
Love to see FGL a two time winner here and Brantley (sorry BG!) you keep on keeping on d-bag!
December 9, 2014 @ 12:37 pm
Here’s my list of the Top Ten Worst SONGS (meaning not just singles, but all tracks) of this year, followed by the Top Ten Worst SINGLES of 2014.
(NOTE: The single or song had to have been initially released during 2014 to qualify. Thus, “Bottoms Up”, “Chillin’ It” and “Get Me Some Of That”, for instance, wouldn’t be eligible for this listing.)
*****The Top Ten Worst Country/Country SONGS of 2014*****
1: Sam Hunt: “Ex To See” (Sam Hunt’s track off of both his debut full-length album as well as the promotional EP “X2C” trounces even “Donkey” as the pinnacle of the dumpster fire this year. As much as we’ll be tearing “Donkey” a deserved good one, at the very least you can admit Niemann actually sounds like he’s having a little fun there. With “Ex To See”, no one is having any fun and, worst of all, this song epitomizes the absolute worst in human behavior: playing mind games with exes to arouse feelings of jealousy and/or resentment, as opposed to reconciliation or simply getting over it. I absolutely LOATHE songs like this, and while I pray this never sees the light of day at radio, I’m not holding my breath. “Ex To See” is my pick for Worst Country/”Country” Song of 2014.)
2: Lee Brice: “Girls In Bikinis” (…………..REALLY, Lee? I expect this from Chase Rice and Florida Georgia Line surely, but……………you? The following are actual lyrics from this dumpster fire travesty: “Camo, canary yellow, red white and blue, highfive to the guy who thought about cutting that thing in two, string around her neck or without a strap, laying on their bellies, untied off their backs, watching girls in bikinis is like watching a slinky walk down the stairs, can’t help but stare.” Uhhhhh, is he not self-aware that “cuttin’ that thing in two” can easily be misconstrued as the language of a rapist? This is an outrage from who has also brought us thoughtful, affecting songs like “I Don’t Dance” and “I Drive Your Truck”.)
3: Jerrod Niemann: “Donkey” (…at this point, thrashing this song is pretty much beating a dead horse…………or donkey., rather. It flamed out commercially and so justice has been pretty much served. Still, for the sake of a 2014 retrospective, it is imperative we document this for safe keeping! 😉 )
4: Maggie Rose: “Girl In Your Truck Song” (………….oh, now THIS is just criminally depressing more than anything. I get why she would be desperate for a commercial hit and I sympathize with that end of it, but the atrocious message this song sends aside, did she seriously think this was going to be the song that made it for her? Other than a hilarious promotional failure of an attempt to coast the hype surrounding “Girl In A Country Song”, the songwriting is painfully lazy in that it is essentially copying and pasting the titles of hit singles over the past couple of years on a Microsoft Word document and then ad-libbing the rest. I may not be crazy about Maddie & Tae’s newly-minted #1 debut single, but they certainly were much more clever in how they worked song titles and lyrics from other songs into their cheeky rebuttal of bro-country tropes. Here, it’s just lazy and sloppy, let alone sends a terrible message glorifying women playing a submissive role to men in relationships.)
5: Cole Swindell: “Down Home Boys” (Actual song lyric: “Cruising with the crew with a beer on ice, looking for the girls that’ll let their hair down. lead us on, get us thinking they might share a little sugar on a Friday night.” ………………I’m sorry but, yeah………this exists! -__- )
6: Chase Rice: “U-Turn” (Really, three-fourths of the album deserves to be here, but this stood out as particularly atrocious. Choice lyric: “When I saw you break it down low you bout near gave me whiplash, then you had to go and pull me in close by my dog tags, and now we’re swaying, swaying side to side (and I’ve got wandering hands getting lost in your wonderland) Damn, what’s that tattoo sneaking out of them hip-huggers? I bet I’d see the other half if them boys will play some Usher. Yeah, yeah, you make me want to tell you all my confessions, girl.” ………………I’m sorry, this actually exists too! That’s of course not even getting to the migraine of a production! -__- )
7: Kenny Chesney: “Rock Bottom”: (This song just makes me angry more than anything. We expect at least better than this from Chesney, as unremarkable as most his music may be. This just comes out utterly disrespectful to the genre and community that made him, with an actual first chorus lyric reading: “I tried to hang with the hank wasn’t tough enough, could twang the pain, but the flat was scrubbed, had to keep on drinking, keep on sinking down, down, down, down, down to the good stuff.” ***Dr. Spock face palm*** -__- )
8: Blake Shelton: “Buzzin’ (Featuring RaeLynn)” (The production to this is admittedly not that bad. That said, what makes this insufferable are the lyrics. Yes: Shelton actually admits in his pseudo-rap delivery that he’s trying to twerk. He also mentions he’s chillin’ like a villain on his redwood deck and rhymes Fireball whiskey with “Fireball frisky”. Nooooooooo, just noooooooooo! -__- )
9: Florida Georgia Line: “Good Good” (On the surface, this is a fairly pedestrian pop-“country” sing-along. However, once you access Urban Dictionary and read up on what “good good” means, and consider the fact Ashanti already had a hit nearly a decade ago of the same title………it suddenly reveals exactly how horrible this song is. What’s particularly embarrassing is that the duo struggles immensely even completing a coherent sentence in the entire lyrics of this song. Take this verse for instance: “And pull on a string, a little rip on the seam, a southern boys’ dream, like a movie scene, so go on shake your thing like a leaf, nobody gonna see it but the moon and me…” WHAT?!!!)
10: Chase Rice: “MMM Girl”: (Another particularly radioactive track off of an album where three-fourths of its tracks would qualify for this list. This stands out from the rest with especially,painfully dumb lyrics like “Got your tummy out on the prowl” and “Victoria’s Secret, they’re peeking out, it’d be a damn good secret to keep, it’s something that you ain’t gotta worry bout, I’ll keep it just between you and me.” Could you imagine Rice playing the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show? Yikes!)
Sam Hunt: “Breakup In A Small Town” (Aside from the decidedly un-country production and the laughably pathetic attempt at emulating Drake in the verses as he serpentines between singing and pseudo-rap, the lyrics are utterly disingenuous. He says in the chorus that “You’ve got to move or move on!” from a failed relationship, yet spends the entire song sulking and whining about it anyway……..including whining about someone else’s tires being parked on her lawn and even fantasizing about leaping out of his vehicle as he’s cruisin’ by the mailbox of his ex and physically assaulting her new boyfriend. Charming. -__- )
Cole Swindell: “Brought To You By Beer” (Obnoxious and dumb all around.)
Jason Aldean: “Laid Back” (This track is more pointless than anything. Why does it even need to exist? Especially when Aldean sounds completely unconvincing he’s having a good time at this party on the edge of town in his eternally self-serious tone declaring: “Tell everyone you know!”. Oh, and the titular hook is dumb too.)
Rascal Flatts: “Honeysuckle Lazy” (Another hilariously awful song that I’d almost recommend listening to once just for comedic effect, hahaha)
*****The Top Ten Worst Country/Country SINGLES of 2014*****
1: Jerrod Niemann: “Donkey”
2: Maggie Rose: “Girl In Your Truck Song”
3: Jason Aldean: “Burnin’ It Down” (I really don’t care about Aldean’s personal life. That’s none of my business, frankly. That said, this song on its own merit (or lack thereof) is still an unmitigated face palm of epic proportions. And the lyrics are actually not the main issue I have with this. It’s the utterly disjointed and dour production that contrasts hilariously with the sexy vibe this song is attempting to create, along with Aldean’s sleepwalking delivery. As far as sex songs are concerned, like Luke Giordano of “This Song Sucks” said in his review, this is the equivalent of (an indifferent voice) lying there on your bed with your T-shirt on and just doing, y’know, whatever.”)
4: Darius Rucker: “Homegrown Honey” (I was seriously tempted to top my list with this. I really was. And the only thing that stopped me in my tracks was the fact this song has a fairly decent melody line and some likeable production elements aside from the dumb dubstep-esque synths in the beginning. But what made me tempted to make this #1 is the fact a man in his mid-forties is uttering lines like “Girl there ain’t nothin’ hotter!”, “Oooooohhh, i like the way you move, you shake it down to your roots…”, “I bet the boys at home, can’t leave you alone, you lil’ homegrown honey honey honey, you so money money money…” Make. It. Stop. -__- )
5: Cole Swindell: “Hope You Get Lonely Tonight” (Though in actuality this isn’t quite as awful as the couple of songs beneath it, the reason I’m ranking this higher is because this achieved immense commercial success unlike the entries below. This song just makes me queasy in that it normalizes emotional manipulation among exes. And the fact it is performed by a vocalist who likes to maintain this always-smiling, “Aw shucks!” personality is what makes this particularly disconcerting. The fact this made it to #1 is a real red flag to me in more ways than the simple fact the production is hilariously awful as are the lyrics.)
6: Tim McGraw: “Lookin’ For That Girl”: (Yet another country/”country” entertainer trying to be Drake. And spitting oblique lyrics out like he’s Anthony Kiedis in worser moments hoping they pass as deep poetry. I’d actually argue the most painful aspect of this song is the repetition of the chorus with the excessive Auto-Tune. Why are you so insistent on torturing our eardrums?)
7: Florida Georgia Line: “This Is How We Roll (Featuring Luke Bryan)” (The production is pretty standard so I have no real issues there. But what makes this particularly bad is Tyler Hubbard’s ill-advised attempt at rapping in the entire second verse and rhyming “though” with “though”, “seat-o” and “though” respectively in the latter half of it. Oh, and there’s that “mixtape’s got a lil’ Hank, a little Drake” line too. Somehow, Jason Derulo succeeded at making this marginally better by omitting Hubbard’s rap with his admittedly still cringe-worthy verse where he mentions the reverse cowgirl sex position in the lyrics. Slow this roll please!)
8: Brantley Gilbert: “Small Town Throwdown (Featuring Justin Moore & Thomas Rhett)” (Between Gilbert’s particularly awful marbles-in-his-mouth vocal performance, Rhett’s aggravating high-pitched and off-key forced twang, and Moore singing: “We got a field full of daisy dukes, we sure know how to grow ’em…” with the guitars cranked up to eleven, what more are you expecting exactly?)
9: Miranda Lambert: “Somethin’ Bad (Featuring Carrie Underwood)” (Sorry, but I’m among those who aren’t going to give this a reprieve just because it happens to come from two of the very few commercially successful females of the format. This is still an awful song in which its worst crime is how pointless it is. It’s all power, no purpose. The production is as hilariously comical as it is ear-bleeding in that it nods to the worst parts of 80s hair metal, and the two singers sound particularly aggravating in their vocal performances compared to their usual output, let alone you can’t even tell them apart in this case. Both Lambert and Underwood are BETTER THAN THIS.)
10: Rascal Flatts: “Payback” (I would have ranked this MUCH higher if it was actually a commercial success, but with that aside, there’s something that’s almost endearing about how hilariously awful and desperate this sounds. This is one of those “so bad, it’s kind of good!” type of songs. I’m sorry, LeVox, but you come across quite unconvincing playing the role of a smooth-talking player. You simply ain’t gonna convince me. 😉 From desperate pandering to youthful demographics in name-dropping Instagram and EDM terminology in the lyrics, to the interjections of “Mmmmmm!”, fake laughs and the especially hilarious closing “I can be your p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-payback” cadence…………I find it hard to really get all that worked up about what is truly a terrible song in that it also has a unique charm in how much entertainment value it holds as an awful song, hahaha! 😉 )
Cole Swindell: “Ain’t Worth The Whiskey” (He just comes across as a real asshole in the song with his smug delivery. And who wants to hear a man who is generally depicted as being all “Aw shucks!” lambaste a woman as being cheaper than the whiskey he’s drinking? Charming! -__- )
Sam Hunt: “Leave The Night On” (Honestly, as a pop song, it’s not that bad. Perhaps I omitted this from my list because I didn’t want to dignify a completely non-country release with a response. 😉 )
Jason Aldean: “Just Gettin’ Started” (Pretty much more of the same from Aldean, so it was spared from this list because it’s pretty much what you expect from him often. Still…)
Florida Georgia Line: “Sun Daze” (Honestly, the dobro solo and some appealing enough production beyond that rescued this from the list. It’s just unfortunate that this is peppered by lyrics that are dumb as sand. Even then, though, I find myself not getting as worked up about this as I am “Good Good” and “This Is How We Roll” because it’s really just a blatant attempt to re-write Bruno Mar’s “The Lazy Song” more than anything. It’s bad, surely, but I still think the ten songs above are even worse overall.)
Jake Owen: “Beachin'”. (Jake, you’re NOT Shawn Mullins. Stop pretending you’re Shawn Mullins vocally. Thank you.)
December 9, 2014 @ 5:28 pm
Gee, “Ain’t Worth the Whiskey” as a dishonorable mention? That’s one I definitely disagree with.
December 9, 2014 @ 6:51 pm
I’m open to hearing dissenting viewpoints on why “Aint’ Worth The Whiskey” a good song.
I for one can’t stand that song. I can’t stand songs in general where the narrator sounds bitter but tries to play it cool in the same breath. Swindell just comes across as an asshole in that song, and more importantly it’s plainly obvious he is NOT over her if he’s spending the entire song slandering her.
Break-up songs are fine. It’s an unpleasant experience we all go through in some form. They are most effective when they are nuanced and present both points of view or, on the other hand, depict a subject who acknowledges they both were at fault. Swindell achieves neither in this song, and the lyrical details are centered not around the relationship, but mostly checklisting reasons he’s drinking at the bar in the first place.
I stand by my opinion, but hey, I’m curious to read differing perspectives.
December 12, 2014 @ 10:24 pm
That’s an interesting take on it. I personally think the narrator, while trying to play it off as cool, almost sounds like he’s not actually over her, and is simply trying to deceive ex.
I’ll also add that the production, while a bit overdone, sounds like it should be played on country radio. Not neo-traditional by any means, but you won’t mistake it for a pop or rock song.
December 9, 2014 @ 1:11 pm
My biggest pet peeve with these people is that they name drop the country greats like George Jones, Merle Haggard, etc. like they pull any kind of inspiration from them. I have no doubt that the legends of country music would be ashamed of what the industry has become. Or maybe they wouldn’t be surprised at all…Who knows…
And how did no Luke Bryan songs make this list?
December 9, 2014 @ 6:09 pm
As an antidote to all that rubbish I plan to listen to as much Dale Watson, Ryan Bingham, Jonny Fritz and Jason Isbell as I can manage (plus stacks of others I won’t list).
Also, can’t believe that Blackjack Billy didn’t rate a mention on your list. Maybe your list just needed to be longer to include all the crap?
December 9, 2014 @ 7:33 pm
Have Blackjack Billy even released anything this year?
“The Booze Cruise” and “Get Some” would be ineligible anyway in that they were released in 2013. Both those songs are utterly terrible, but they wouldn’t qualify for this kind of list and I believe I cited “The Booze Cruise” in my 2013 tally anyway.
Alright, I just checked their Wikipedia page, and apparently they have quietly released three singles this year. That’s surely news to me! 😉
December 9, 2014 @ 8:56 pm
Florida Georgia Line’s, Sun Daze made the worst list on Time Magazine website.
December 9, 2014 @ 10:45 pm
If you ever do awards for “Worst Dressed” or “Most Embarrassing County Act”. Florida Georgia Line should win it.
Back on the 5th of November when the CMT awards were coming on these two clowns appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel show in short pants and muscle shirts (while on TV and it was November). It’s just so tacky, low rent and embarrassing.
December 10, 2014 @ 8:42 pm
I firmly believe there is way worse that mainstream country has seen this year. I’m going to list whether I agree or disagree……
Brantley Gilbert “Bottoms Up” – DISAGREE
The only thing that is terrible about this song IMO is the fact that the lyrics are extremely shallow, and its talking about getting shit-faced, which is a dime-a-dozen subject matter seen in most mainstream music. Otherwise, I think its a good song, but then again I’m a fan of rock music and country, so I find country rock a thrilling treat to my ears. I would put this song on the dishonorable mention list, but not “worst”.
Cole Swindell “Chillin It” – DISAGREE
No….just no. This is one of the BETTER country songs I’ve heard this year. No doubt, the video is terrible and hilarious because he don’t know how to dance worth shit (I don’t either…I dance just like that….HA!), but the song isn’t that bad. Cole himself may be boring and bland (and I’m not in general a fan of his other songs except this one) but I found this song upbeat, refreshing, and fun. Even my 73 year old grandpa thinks this song is great. Nothing like riding down through town with the windows down blasting this song.
Tim McGraw “Lookin For That Girl” – AGREE
I like this song. I really do. But its something I cannot listen to often. I really respect that Tim tried something different, but clearly this didn’t work for him, it only reached #15 and then after that it fell off the charts and i have yet to hear it since. The auto-tune sounds cool, but its overbearingly annoying after awhile. The lyrics are extremely shallow and incredibly stupid, but Tim’s delivery of the bizarre tongue-twisting lyrics is pretty good, at least so i thought. I personally think this song is DEPRESSING with it’s creepy, dark sounding synthesizers, it sounds like something that satan would play while dragging you through the gates of hell.
Jason Aldean “Burnin It Down” – AGREE
As with Tim’s ‘Lookin For That Girl’, I respect that Jason tried something different. Absolutely asinine to be labeled as “country music”. It’s an awful song in general, but even the people who HATE this song start to love it. Very manipulating song that gets stuck in your head. I go around all the time saying “nekkid in my beeeyyyddd!”. Once you get ass-raped by this song, you will never forget the ass raping.
Florida Georgia Line “This is How We Roll” – AGREE
I like to listen to this song once in awhile, but its annoying and incredibly stupid. The rap verse is terrible, Tyler Hubbard clearly knows nothing about rapping…..maybe he should take a lesson from Colt Ford? Lyrics are absolutely terrible, and the opening to the music video “why you trying to jump a tree” is incredibly cheesy and absurd. I’d say this is by a mile FGL’s worst single, coming from a person who hates “Dirt” with a passion.
Jake Owen “Beachin” – DISAGREE
As many of you may have guessed by my username, I’m a huge fan of Jake. While this is one of Jake’s weakest songs, putting it on the ‘worst’ list is going a little bit too far. It’s a fun summer beach bum song, which Kenny Chesney has made a killing off of over the years as well as a massive fan base. It’s meant to be a summer anthem, nothing more. Quite frankly, listening to this song during the winter is a total bore. But a bad song? No.
Maggie Rose “Girl In Your Truck Song” – AGREE
WHAT THE……….oh my god…
Florida Georgia Line “Sun Daze” – 50 AGREE /50 DISAGREE
I hate this song but I also love it. When it first came out, it made me want to punch babies. The bob marley style music is extremely annoying, as well as the whistling. Overall the song is garbage except the chorus where all the bass kills out that terrible reggae music. The “dirty” version where he says “get stoned” made my mouth drop, I have never heard such a thing in country music in years. The edited version where its “stay home” is WAY better, an should be the original. Overall, terrible lyrics but has a fun catchy tune, as with many FGL songs.
Jerrod Neimann “Donkey” – AGREE
Worst song I have EVER heard. EVER. Jerrod’s career deserves to go down the shitter after this ultra mega ass raping of millions of peoples innocent ears. Everything is terrible about it. Should be listed in history as the worst song of all time in the history of mankind, along with Nikki Minaj’s “Anaconda”.
Toby in AK
December 11, 2014 @ 2:17 pm
For me it’s gotta be “this is how we roll”. If ever there was a music video so bad it’s good, this would be a contender. Country music labels are going really have to up their game to top this, as their is hardly a hip hop cliche more overused that they can exploit. Coming up next…. Haterz gunna hate! a song that so perfectly captures the everyday emotions of a typical Luke Bryan and FGL defender.
Close runner up goes to burning it dow-uuuun. Jason Aldean perfectly captured that momentus sound you make on release as you struggle out a constipated poo. Full of anologies and lyrics that make no logical sense and fail to connect with those sexy moments he was trying to convey. This generations Islands in the Stream… with sweat stained sexiness in place of campy sentimentality. In 30 years, 40 years after running out of new ideas, the Simpsons will feature an episode with Bart and Lisa covering this song at a kareoke contest.
December 12, 2014 @ 10:15 pm
……….oh dear! I just realized I forgot to include an especially terrible song in my lists that I was meaning to…………..and that is:
This mercifully failed to chart, but by all counts “Mmm, Mmm, Mmm” should actually rate at #2 on my Worst Singles of 2014 list (I still consider “Ex To See” THE worst because no one sounds like they’re having any fun in that goddess-awful song, while Dylan Scott at least sounds like he’s alone in his fun on what is nonetheless lyrical poison of epic proportions), and #5 on my Worst Songs of 2014 list.
Other than that, the ratings stand.
December 13, 2014 @ 12:01 am
The ” Worst Songs Of 2014 ” list is just too easy to compile with so many contenders.
Can I put Adele’s ” Someone Like You ” ( or whatever the hell its called ) on an All-Time worst list ? Have a look at that lyric on the page ( no music ) and you’ll understand why .
December 15, 2014 @ 4:15 pm
Only just read this piece, and agree with most of it. I also have no shame in outing myself as the user on Twitter musing about Stockholm Syndrome O:)
February 27, 2015 @ 10:29 am
Just found this today, I read this article twice, funny stuff trigger, oh nice review on Blackberry smoke!
April 6, 2015 @ 9:25 pm
I actually like all of these but one…
April 28, 2015 @ 10:45 pm
So proud that I have never heard any of these songs.
January 17, 2016 @ 2:15 pm
I knew Bottoms Up would be on here.You idiots.