Sheryl Crow’s Country Move a Trojan Horse for Toilet Paper Stance

sheryl-crow-toilet-paperPop rocker Sheryl Crow has been spending her 2013 getting poised for a move to country music, taking a nationwide bus tour of country radio stations and showing up at country events ahead of the release of her “country influenced” album Feels Like Home on September 10th.

A move to country is common for aging rockers as their careers begin to diminish. Country music is perceived as a genre that can offer strength and support to artists as they age. But trying to bolster a career in decline apparently is not the only motive behind Sheryl’s country move.

Sources close to the Sheryl Crow camp have confided in Saving Country Music that part of Sheryl’s country move is politically motivated. Sheryl is a staunch environmentalist, and has championed specific issues over the years, most notably in 2007 when she advocated the use of only one square of toilet paper during restroom visits to conserve trees and increase global oxygen levels, saying:

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Crow later clarified her statements, saying they were somewhat of a joke, but according to our Sheryl Crow source, she still takes the toilet paper issue very seriously, and plans to use her move to country music as a Trojan Horse to unleash her opinions about toilet paper conservation on what she believes to be one of the biggest consumers of Angel Soft and Charmin in the US: country music fans.

“The country music demographic consumes about 8 million squares of toilet paper a day,” the Sheryl Crow source explained. “That’s 22% more than hip hop fans, and 18% more than rock fans. Sheryl feels if she can reduce the amount of toilet paper used by country consumers, it would make a difference of about 1 1/2-degrees in temperature of the oceanic sea levels.”

And just how exactly is Sheryl Crow expecting country fans to listen to her one square mantra? “In a country single,” the Sheryl Crow source says. “And this will not be some small PSA. This song was put together by top notch Music Row songwriters to be a big hit, and is being produced by T Bone Burnett.”

That’s right, once Sheryl Crow has established herself in country music, she’s planning to release a single, purportedly a duet with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, aka “Elaine” from the 90’s sitcom Seinfeld, called “Can You Spare a Square?”

Not to be outdone, apparently Hank Williams Jr. has caught wind of Sheryl Crow’s plan, and plans a counter-single called “Wipe You Ass With A Spotted Owl.”

Ironically, both Sheryl Crow and Hank Jr. have previously released songs with Kid Rock, who completely swore off cleaning himself after bowel movements in 2003. Some people are already dubbing the impending conflict the “Great Toilet Paper War of 2013.”

It’s about to get nasty out there folks. Real nasty.

(Elaine Benis could not be reached for comment.)