As you might suspect, at the halfway point of 2013 a list of mainstream country’s worst misdeeds is mostly populated by an ear-serrating cacophony of country rap. With only a couple of exceptions, country rap has replaced what last year at this time was a parade of laundry list-themed songs. Country rap has become the next devolving plateau in mainstream country’s tireless effort to find the true meaning of “lowest common denominator.”
Florida Georgia Line – “Cruise” (remix ft. Nelly)
Just take a moment to appreciate that this song was on Saving Country Music’s 2012 “Worst Country Songs So Far,” yet nearly a year later it still sits at #1 on Billboard’s country chart. “Cruise” very well might go down as the biggest single in the history of country music. So with that in mind, we’ll re-qualify it for this dubious distinction on the technicality that they remixed it with rapper Nelly in 2013.
Jason Aldean – “1994”
“In Music Row’s everlasting quest to train all of its resources on scouring America to unearth only the finest, most purest form of audio diarrhea, they have struck the mother of all motherloads originating from the unholy bowels of Macon, Georgia’s Jason Aldean. Yes Nashville, pat yourself on the back, let all of the Auto-Tuned stars sing out in unison as Stratocasters bray out a cacophony of stadium rock riffs in unified celebrationyou have officially discovered the shittiest country music song to ever touch the human ear drum.
“Do I understand the levity and the long history of country music that must be considered to declare “1994”³ the worst country song that has ever been released? Yes, yes I do. And yet I still stand firmly behind that opinion.” (read full rant)
Michael Jackson Montgomery – “I Support The Troops More Than You”
After slipping into an Affliction T-Shirt two sizes too small and shoving a couple of tennis balls down his skinny jeans to embellish the silhouette of his manhood, the pop country star that never was named Michael Jackson Montgomery makes us cringe from the sappy, mawkish, flag-waving hyper patriotism that goes far enough beyond the line of patriotic decorum to be called an American embarrassment. A terrorist might die every time this song is played, but the tender ears of the freedom-loving world is the collateral damage. Eat your heart out Toby Keith.
Brad Paisley & LL Cool J – “Accidental Racist”
“Brad Paisley is bored. And he’s been bored with country music for years now. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love country. Brad is the savant of country music, but like the gifted kid in elementary school who when not challenged begins to lose focus or even lash out, Brad has fallen deeper into joke songs and gimmickry to keep himself engaged with country as time has gone by.
“Accidental Racist” is outside of what is relevant in music right now. Sappy racism songs went out of vogue in the 90”²s. And it’s an oversimplification of the issue. Race in the United States is in a very fluid state at the moment. We have a black President. One of the largest concentrations of black Americans is in the South. If you’re white and living in Texas, you’re a minority. This is not 1991, and we’re not living in the shadow of the Rodney King trial. It doesn’t mean racism is dead, but in no way does it help to revert back to old platitudes and plays for emotionalism.” (read full review)
Blake Shelton – “Boys ‘Round Here”
It may lose out to Jason Aldean’s “1994” as the worst country song ever, but it is a close second. What makes “Boys ‘Round Here” more dangerous is people actually like it, resulting in it becoming a #1 hit.
“Just when we thought the American public was finally getting wise to the fact that country rap is a Cancer of Western Civilization, needing to be cut out and radiated like the grapefruit-sized, puss-filled tumor it is, here it comes roaring back like a raging case of bleeding hemorrhoids.
“Blake Shelton’s “Boys ‘Round Here” is songwriting by algorithm and analytics, fashioning together words and sounds known to have the widest impact on mainstream radio’s weak-of-mind demo. The “boys” in the title of “Boys ‘Round Here” is fitting, because this song is rank immaturity. It’s the audio equivalent of sneaking out of your mom’s house to smoke pot behind a Pizza Hut.” (read full review)
Darius Rucker – “Wagon Wheel”
It’s not that this song is terrible, or even that Darius Rucker’s version is that bad. It just that this song’s legacy has become so quagmired and convoluted, you can’t like it anymore, even though you still kind of do. Earlier this year on NBC’s The Voice, one group of contestants performed the song and attributed it to Darius Rucker, when it should have been attributed to Old Crow Medicine Show….which really should have been attributed to Bob Dylan.
It is a good song. But good gosh, let it ride off into the sunset already.
“As if legions of college town string bands full of anthropology majors mercilessly regurgitation “Wagon Wheel” over and over to try and score hummers from undergrads after the show in their Volvos with the back windows tattooed with political stickers wasn’t enough, now Hootie has lent his back to the collective toil of the Western World to do everything humanly possible to run this song into the proverbial ever-loving ground so hard that it taps the mantle of the earth and causes a catastrophic volcanic and tectonic event that wipes out the entire human $@#*ing race.” (read full rant)
Joe Diffie feat. D. Thrash – “Girl Ridin’ Shotgun”
“Did you feel that Oklahoma? That was the earth tremor caused by your native son Joe Diffie selling out so violently it measured 2.1 on the Richter scale. The mulleted, cop mustached 90”²s semi-sta has released an “answer” song to what many consider the worst song in country music history, Jason Aldean’s country rap “1994,” and it is as embarrassing as puberty.
“The beats for “Girl Ridin’ Shotgun” sound like they were composed by a 7th grader who just snorted his ADD meds, just like all of the beats of the Jawga Boyz’s bombastic and trashy tracks. The beat doesn’t even get five seconds into the song without going off meter. There’s biscuit crumbs in Joe Diffie’s mustache that could compose a better beat. And then D Thrash’s first line doesn’t even rhyme. Are you effing serious with this song? “Girl Ridin’ Shotgun” makes me want to make out with my cousin and bet on a dog fight.” (read full rant)