Sam Hunt’s New Song “Drinkin’ Too Much” Is The Worst Song Ever

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WARNING: Some Language

Like an incorrigible habit that only works to expand the gut, shave years off of life, spends your money, and puts distance between yourself and the realization of your goals and dreams, country music should make a resolution to drop Sam Hunt and his big bag of nothing like the smelly, disgusting, cancerous, unhealthy habit he is, and not just put distance between him and the habitual crutch of his shitty non-country pop/hip-hop music, but should celebrate his unceremonious shitcanning like the accomplishment of a lifelong goal similar to climbing the tallest of mountains, or putting a big ol’ check mark beside the biggest and most difficult item on the very top of your coveted bucket list.

I’d down two quarts of black-eyes peas in one sitting with not a trace of seasoning or even a biscuit for sopping to not have to listen to Sam Hunt’s dumbass sing talking ever again in this year or any other. Dammit if we didn’t cut loose of the bad dream that was 2016 just to get hit square in the face with the godawful reality that the mortal coil still harbors enough morons that believe that Sam Hunt has even a modicum of anything to do with country music so that his releasing of a new song means it slithers on to our radar, and like coming up on a bad, boozed-fueled New Years automobile accident, you can’t help but slow down and gawk, even though you’re immediately repelled by the gore and horror your poor senses invariably behold.

From the Mariah Carey college of electronic musical crutching and cultural stultification, Sam Hunt has released a New Years surprise in the form of a new song called “Drinkin’ Too Much.” I take that back, Mariah can actually fucking sing when she’s not mixing champagne with Xanax and her in-ear monitors are operating properly. All Sam Hunt can do is mumble the itinerary of metrosexual nights in Ebonic inflections recounting bouts of self-centered douchebaggery. I understand the value of getting personal in songwriting, but “Drinkin’ Too Much” is so specific and rambling, it comes across like the diseased, mental-health medical transcriptions of a recently-instituted 5150. “Drinkin’ Too Much” isn’t a “song,” it’s an entry from the obsessive compulsive section of the stalker’s almanac.

As for the “music” of this “song,” Sam Hunt didn’t make use of the incredible, world-class talent pool of musicians residing in Nashville, TN right at his fingertips to flesh his idea out. Instead, it sounds like he resorted to some hipster with a MIDI controller and the newest Macbook, doing his worst for a manic-fueled few hours to help out his superstar buddy and score some cash for his cocaine habit. My nephew exhibited more compositional aptitude Christmas morning amateurishly screwing around with a hand-me-down Casiotone, messing with the harpsichord feature while playing to the pre-programmed Bosa Nova beat than “Drinkin’ Too Much” does. And no, this song won’t rosy up after you’ve recovered from your New Years Eve hangover and don’t have to listen to it through the filter of a pounding headache. It’s a dog any day of the year.

“Drinkin’ Too Much” is so bad, after listening to it a Hillary supporter isn’t even as daunted by the idea of suffering through four years of a Trump Administration. If you can make it through this monstrosity, anything is possible. We can do this people! “Drinkin’ Too Much” is so bad, perhaps it will inspire all the peoples of the earth to finally and forever renounce their tribalism and affiliations due to race, gender, religion, location, and social status, and work to banish Sam Hunt from popular culture finally and forever. We can’t agree on shit, but after listening to “Drinkin’ Too Much,” perhaps this is the tragedy that will finally awaken our shared humanity and common purpose to come together to alleviate the burden of ever finding this dude within our earshot in 2017 again, and forevermore into eternity.

Two Guns Way Down! (0/10)