Willie Nelson Rushed to Undisclosed Protective Location After Rash of Celebrity Music Deaths

willie-nelson

Willie Nelson is okay at the moment, but after the incredible rash of high-profile passings of musical icons spanning many genres, generations, and international borders in 2016, every resource of the United States government is being deployed to make sure the country music legend stays safe and sound for now.

After the deaths of David Bowie, Glenn Frey of the Eagles, Keith Emerson, producer George Martin, close Willie Nelson friend and country music icon Merle Haggard earlier in April, and now iconic music legend Prince, all precautions are being taken to make sure Willie Nelson stays alive no matter what the costs or resources necessary. This is the reassuring news coming from the United States government.

After the announcement of Prince’s passing, a pre-designed action plan was immediately put in motion for this very scenario. The operation is a collaborative effort between the Department of Homeland Security, the Department of Defense, and the Department of Heath and Human Services. President Obama signed an executive order executing the plan, and unlocking federal emergency funds to allow the operation to move forward.

Willie Nelson, who was home at his ranch outside of Austin at the time, was rushed via helicopter to a secured, undisclosed location. Immediately upon arrival that the Nelson residence, a team of top military doctors began running a full health diagnostic screening on the 82-year-old, checking blood pressure, metabolism, breathing, other vital signs, while also running a battery of full spectrum blood tests looking for any known pathogens or ailments that might put the singer and songwriter in any danger.

Then after an initial detox and inoculation of Willie Nelson with electrolytes and mineral-rich IV fluids, he was safely secured in a hypebaric chamber fitted with a precautionary life support apparatus that was then fitted with 2-ton-rated shock absorbers. Willie was then spirited off via military air support to a secure location that is said to be able to withstand a 12.0 earthquake, Category 5 hurricanes or tornadoes, or global thermonuclear war.

“We are treating this as a Federal emergency, and anything that can be done to ensure the safety of Willie Nelson is being implemented,” says Secret Service undersecretary Ash Frankenfurter. “We are handling this as if the top heads of state in the United States government were in jeopardy, and their safety and security were needing to be guaranteed for the continuance of the government.”

Willie Nelson, who didn’t seem to understand what all the fuss was about but amicably complied with Obama’s executive order to secure his person in an abundance of caution, asked when he arrived at the undisclosed secure location, “Do y’all have any of the military-grade weed I’ve always heard about?”

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Shout out to Farce The Music for inspiring this post on Twitter.