Brantley Gilbert Releases ‘The Worst Country Song of All Time’

A washed-up jingoist, a normcore corporate songwriting dork with astigmatism, and a roided-out stove-headed tough guy in motorcycle garb walk into a bar … stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Yeah, I’m mad as hell about this new Brantley Gilbert single. I’m mad if for no other valid reason than I most certainly deserve a damn songwriting credit here for clearly coining the title and lyrical hook. Who the hell’s the agro blogger on record for years writing rants about the worst country songs of all time? It’s certainly not Brantley Gilbert, Hardy, Hunter Phelps, or Will Weatherly, who are given credit for writing this monstrosity. It’s yours truly, and it looks like I need to call out the law dogs to recoup some royalties.

You almost want to give Brantley Gilbert, Toby Keith, and Hardy a modicum of credit here for being creative with this attempt to turn the tables on critics, while simultaneously juxtaposing the same supposed badass stuff every stupid Bro-Country song crows about with antonyms. I’m sure there were plenty of high-fives going around when this thing was composed, like these geniuses had cracked some code.

But let’s face it, inverted context or not, ultimately “The Worst Country Song of All Time” is still just a dumb Bro-Country song that leans on lists of crap as opposed to a story, backed by unimaginative music, and a tokenary banjo. Including a saxophone as an attempt for humor is accidentally the most country element of the song. Merle Haggard carried a saxophone player with him on the road for decades, and so did Waylon Jennings on his final tour. Have any of these losers ever heard of Bob Wills?

And the funny thing is, this isn’t even an entirely novel or inventive effort from Brantley Gilbert to answer critics. In 2015, Gilbert released what could be counted as a PRO Bro-Country protest anthem called “Same Old Song.” In the song, Gilbert snarls about how artists like him are being unfairly criticized.

I hear there’s folks
Tired of us talking about dirt roads
Tailgates, tan lines and corn rows
It sounds made up but that’s the life I know

…And remember, this was back in 2015. Six years later, and this jackwagon is still out here braying about the same damn crap. And adding Toby Keith and Hardy to the mix in no way endears or resuscitates this idea. Hardy may be a bit of a hot name, but Toby Keith is an anchor to anything he’s involved in here in 2021, fair or not. Sounds like the dude couldn’t even sober up for his recording session. Or perhaps he purposely got blasted before going into the studio, knowing he’d need to swallow his self-respect.

This song is only smart in the way opposite day was a hoot to you when you were in 2nd Grade. And this monstrosity is actually a legitimate lead radio single from Brantley. Luckily though, the Godfather of Bro-Country fell out of favor with the format years ago, and this is likely to falter despite his label putting strong money behind it. Brantley’s years removed from being country music’s Golden Boy, his muscle has now turned to chub, and he’s still out here trying to shove Bro-Country down our throats, stupid angle notwithstanding.

No thanks.

Two Guns Down (1/10)

(one point for the saxophone solo)

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