How and why is Brantley Gilbert even still a thing? At this point, what kind of audio atrocity does this fuck knuckle have to perpetrate upon the listening public before he’s summarily purged from polite society entirely and forevermore, and his music sequestered in a hermetically-sealed vault so it can never again assault the ears of the American populous? He’s so bad, he literally had ESPN cancelling music performances on Monday Night Football a few years back.
But somehow, inexplicably, Gilbert has outdone himself here with the level of creative depravity and public embarrassment, and with the chubby and disappointing Jason Aldean in tow. “Rolex® On A Redneck?” …and yes, with the little ‘®’ so he makes sure he doesn’t get sued for his blatant non-commissioned commercial passed off as a “song”? What an ass this dude is. Eat your heart out Walker Hayes and Applebee’s.
If I only had two bullets and was in a room with Vladimir Putin, Aleksandr Lukashenko, and a speaker blasting “Rolex® On A Redneck,” I’d shoot the speaker twice. Fuck sanctions, get Elon Musk to deploy some low orbit satellites over the Russkies blasting this hot garbage, and they’ll be out of Ukraine and relinquishing their claim on Crimea and Donbas in less than 24 hours. Just make sure that a public broadcast of this song wouldn’t instigate a war crimes tribunal in The Hague for crimes against humanity.
Larping as a ode to hard working rural folks, “Rolex® On A Redneck” is really just a laundry list of product endorsements from Gilbert for stuff actual farmers would never be caught dead with. Dusty Bumpkins on a sorghum patch outside of OshKosh isn’t sporting a Rolex® unless it was smuggled out of a POW camp in some dude’s ass like that storyline in Pulp Fiction. Nor would he pay $1,200 for a plastic Yeti® cooler when he can just fill a galvanized horse trough with ice. And he wouldn’t pay $4,500 for a brand new camo-wrapped Benelli® shotgun when his Mossberg handed down from three generations will take down a turkey this fall just fine.
In fact, the premise of “Rolex® On A Redneck” isn’t just bad, it’s incriminating in the way it attempts to instill the audience with materialistic envy, preying upon hard working folks like a Home Shopping Network scam, or a popular hip-hop song. “Girl on your lap ’cause your paper’s to the roof,” Gilbert drools in this song like the tool he is.
Dude, Brantley. Have you actually been to a fucking farm? The only papers they have to the roof these days are overdue bills. Why don’t you get your ‘roided-out, marble-mouthed ass off your palatial estate and go to an actual farm and find out how real farmers are out there suffering over soaring fertilizer and fuel prices, falling water tables, and inflation instead of tractor rapping over hip-hop beats and trying to pass it off as country?
The funny thing is, even Brantley Gilbert’s own fans are in full revolt over this monstrosity. Far and away, the most popular comment on the YouTube video for this song says, “I’m dying for some old school BG, songs that were written from his heart and life experience. I want the world to know the Brantley us OG’s fell in love with back in the day. Imagine today’s country radio with Saving Amy, Picture On The Dashboard, You Promised, or Modern Day Prodigal Son.”
But at this point, Brantley Gilbert has become a caricature of himself, while he was mostly a caricature to begin with, aside from a few good songs. If you go back and listen to Brantley’s “Saving Amy” and “Picture On The Dashboard,” it doesn’t even sound like the same artist. These days, Brantley Gilbert has fully embraced the douchebag sound indicative in songs like “Bottoms Up” and “The Weekend.” But perhaps no song has ever embodied his fake tough guy bravado mixed with consumerist fealty like “Rolex® On A Redneck.”
Forget Jada Pinkett’s alopecia, where’s Will Smith to bitch slap Brantley Gilbert for co-authoring this abomination?
Two Guns Way Down (0/10)