Country Rapper Katie Noel Goes Viral with “Southern” (A Rant)

WARNING: Language

As if Kid Rock ejaculated into a half empty Code Red Mountain Dew bottle, shook it up with some residue left in the bottom of a vat after a meth batch, passed it around a circle of inbreds so they could spit their tobacco juice into it, and then this unholy concoction was allowed to fester in a stagnant mire until certain chemical processes occurred, Katie Noel has spontaneously generated into existence like a demon redneck hellspawn with terrible taste in music to rape your ears incessantly with her tractor rap noise.

Katie Noel is most certainly proud of her Southern heritage, but she’s making the rest of us born south of the Mason Dixon that don’t fuck our cousins hang our heads in shame. The 23-year-old self-described “artist” and “influencer” with over 5 million “likes” on Tik-Tok and her own apparel line has folks fearing for the future of humanity as a clip from her new song “Southern” has gone super viral on social media recently.

The simple truth is the shitty musical stylings of someone like Katie Noel have been around for a dozen years or so in the devolved underworld world of hick hop, which requires its population to be devoid of any taste or self-awareness for inclusion. The only difference is that she’s a woman, while we’re used to fat white male losers releasing this kind of refuse. Then when a cut of “Southern” landed on Twitter, exposing it to the insulated masses who are repulsed that something like this actually exists on earth, it became like it’s like its own mini phenomenon.

@katienoelofficial SOUTHERN DROPS AT MIDNIGHT! Hit that repost 😮‍💨 pre-save in BIO #fyp #NextLevelDish #countrymusic #trending ♬ original sound – KatieNoel

Katie Noel has become something resembling the Rebecca Black of country, accidentally popular because of all the car crash lookie-loos slowing down to take a peek at the carnage. Merry Christmas, Noel. I want to see all of you Tik-Tok apologists try to convince us now that this app isn’t a Chinese psyop to slowly devolve us all into drooling fuckwits who can barely tie our shoes.

Will this be the next trend to overtake mainstream country? Of course not. That’s part of what is hilarious about this. As disturbing as Katie Noel’s take on “country” is, it’s also horrifically outdated. This stuff peaked in 2011 with Jason Aldean and “Dirt Road Anthem.” Heard from Colt Ford lately? Think that Brantley Gilbert has any kind of future? How did Jelly Roll get so big? It was by abandoning his country rap roots, and beginning to record earnest, heartfelt songs like he’s Zach Bryan.

Look, I don’t want to personally insult this young lady, Katie Noel. She seems like a sweet girl. Actually, no she doesn’t. She comes across like the neighbor kid that’s shit drunk at 7 pm and pisses herself while shooing the bird at everyone at your otherwise peaceful suburban backyard party, requiring you to have conversations your six-year-old were not ready to have. But don’t worry, this is what rehab is for.

Katie Noel getting humped by a dog.

One thing I can say to Katie Noel’s credit is that she can take a joke, and criticism. In a followup video to her her viral Tik-Tok clip of “Southern,” Katie takes on Barstool Sports, Whiskey Riff, and Theo Von who were spearheading the criticism of the song.

“I’m Brady Cox, and yesterday I’d seen all over Twitter this ‘Southern’ song by Katie Noel go viral, and I sat up in my Nashville office sky rise overlooking the city and I said, ‘What the actual fuck is this?'” Katy says, aping the Whiskey Riff writer. “And I have nothing but bad things to say about it for one simple reason, and that’s because it wasn’t Zach Bryan. If it ain’t Zach Bryan, well guess what? We at Whiskey Riff fuckin’ hate you, and you should probably quit.”

Alright that’s pretty damn funny. This Katie Noel’s got pluck, I’ll give her that.

The upshot here is that these type of country rap muddin’ videos have always been catnip for the redneck crowd on their prepaid phones. They’ve been around for years. This is not the future of country music, it’s the past. Perhaps it’s good for some unintentional humor, but it’s probably not worth raising any serious alarms over. Katie Noel and her terrible music will continue appealing to a niche audience, and country music will continue to move forward, which means away from the country rap/Bro-Country era and its indolent, list-like lyrics and Southern aphorisms indicative of “Southern.”

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