Elon Musk To Buy Country Music for $89 Billion. “Time to Fix It.”

In a groundbreaking development for one of America’s most long-standing cultural institutions, billionaire entrepreneur, inventor, and investor Elon Musk is purchasing country music for $89 billion in hopes of returning the genre to its past greatness.

The deal will include all of country music’s dedicated major and independent labels, all major radio stations, the Grand Ole Opry and all of its satellite properties, the Country Music Hall of Fame, the annual CMA and ACM Awards, as well as the rights to the defunct Kenny Rogers Roasters fast food chicken franchise.

“Country music is the bedrock of American culture, and actual country music is where matters vital to the hearts and souls of music fans around the world are broached,” said Mr. Musk in a statement. “I also want to make country music better than ever by bringing back the twang and roots, the quality songwriting of the past, giving independent artists equal footing, finally defeating Bro-Country, and making sure all the performers are authentic. Country music has tremendous potential – I look forward to working with the country music industry to unlock it.”

Musk’s motivation for the purchase was the suppression, shadow banning, and outright expulsion of many real country artists by the country format over the last many years. “How can you have country music without ‘King’ George Strait, Alan Jackson, Dolly Parton, and Willie Nelson regularly playing on the radio, and competing for country music’s big awards?” Elon asked. He also conducted a poll on his Twitter account, asking followers if they thought today’s country music was actually country, with the vast majority of respondents saying “no.”

Though some may be surprised the native South African would be so into country music, a video of Elon Musk singing Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” while roasting marshmallows and sipping whiskey from back in 2017 recently resurfaced.

Then on Tuesday morning (4-16), Elon Musk posted an image of himself in a cowboy hat on Instagram with the simple caption, “Yee-haw 🤠.” Little did we know that he was hours away from announcing the acquisition of the entire country music genre in hopes of returning it to past greatness.

But of course, this is all bullshit (well, the “Ring of Fire” and Instagram post are true). The real truth is country music unfortunately won’t have some benevolent billionaire benefactor swoop into to solve the genre’s problems via executive fiat, nor should country fans wait with bated breath for such an event to happen. Instead, it’s up to all of us the seek out the best artists, share them with our friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors, because the best artists are being suppressed and shadow banned by the industry, while mediocrity and lack of authenticity reigns in the genre, similar to on social media.

It would be nice for someone to purchase and revitalize the Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurants though. Love that chicken.

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