ISIS Hears Garth’s “People Loving People,” Lays Down Arms
Radical Muslim terrorist organization ISIS has been conducting a brutal and bloody holy war in the Middle East in recent months, complete with genocide and mass slaughter as it attempts to form a cross-border caliphate in Syria and the northern portions of Iraq. The organization’s campaign of terror has included the decapitation of two American journalists in recent weeks in an attempt to deter American airstrikes against their strongholds, and to instill global fear about ISIS’s brutality and reach.
But where airstrikes, drone attacks, and diplomatic resolutions in recent weeks failed to weaken the resolve to the radical ISIS Islamists, the release of Garth Brooks’ first single since his 13-year retirement called “People Loving People” has apparently landed the resoluteness of ISIS a fatal blow. Reports out of northern portions of Iraq and Syria currently under ISIS control are of desertions in the thousands by ISIS fighters after they heard Garth’s song touting the virtues of love and peace.
Apparently the supreme leader of the organization, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is a big Garth Brooks fan.
“Yeah, back in the 90’s it was more of a guilty pleasure at first, and then when he started flying out across stadiums like Peter Pan, and then the whole Chris Gaines thing—I mean seriously, what the hell was that?—I was like ‘Bye bye Garth,'” says al-Baghdadi. “Really, I’m an old-school country fan. Love me some Waylon.”
But like many older country fans, as modern country music has become more pop and even rap, al-Baghdadi’s feelings on Garth began to turn around. “Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan, are you kidding me? That crap’s unfit for human consumption. Compared to that garbage, Garth is as old-school country as it gets, and when I heard he was finally releasing a new single, I couldn’t wait to hear it.”
Apparently Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi put out a directive across the entire ISIS communications network to broadcast the song to the caliphate and all ISIS fighters as soon as it was released. By all accounts, it was a big hit with both the brass, and the rank and file of ISIS. “Let’s face it, it’s catchy as hell, and with a good message,” says al-Baghdadi. “Though damn, why did they have to bury his vocals so much in the mix? Trying to make out the words is like trying to subjugate a town of ethnic minorities with one arm tied behind your back.”
After hearing “People Loving People,” al-Baghdadi says he’s a changed person.
“You know, just like many of my ISIS fighters, the message of Jihad was drilled into by brain for 20 years in the most radical of Middle Eastern madrases, and was then solidified by spilling the blood of infidels for many years in battle. But I’ll be damned if Garth Brooks didn’t make me see things differently. ‘People Loving People’ is just so simple and eloquent, and really relevant to this day and age.”
According to The Pentagon and commanders of the Kurdish Peshmerga army in control of parts of their semi-autonomous region in Northern Iraq, pockets of ISIS resistance still exist. But instead of dropping bombs on the remaining ISIS positions, a plan is being put in place to continuously broadcast Garth’s “People Loving People” in those regions to weaken the remaining strongholds. “We’re still working out rights with Garth to be able to legally broadcast it in a public forum,” says Pentagon spokesperson Herold Frankenfurter. “He wants to make sure it doesn’t compete with his upcoming concert appearances, and Garth refuses to release the individual track to us digitally. He insists we have to wait for the entire album to be released.”
September 4, 2014 @ 12:25 pm
I want to say it SO bad, but it is way, way, WAY too soon. . . .
September 5, 2014 @ 7:56 am
September 4, 2014 @ 1:27 pm
Considering many of us have friends and loved ones in the military who may eventually be sent to deal with this crisis, an April Fools-like post about them laying down their arms is not funny at all. There are a lot of people following the news of this issue very closely and this is just not something to joke about to get more hits on your website.
September 4, 2014 @ 1:49 pm
With all due respect, you’d have to draw all sorts of squiggly and surreptitious lines to somehow make this be insulting or even insensitive to American troops. If anyone is in a position to be insulted, it would either be members of ISIS, or Garth Brooks. I have many active service members and veterans who read this site every day. Haven’t heard any complaints from them. In fact a person who I know personally who is a veteran of the Iraq War already commented about this on Facebook saying “Awesome!” But in the end I’m just reporting the news. If you have a problem with it, take it up with Pentagon spokesperson Herold Frankenfurter.
I’ll make sure to post some articles that won’t get any “hits” here soon, because apparently that’s what everyone wants to read … but they don’t.
September 4, 2014 @ 2:56 pm
I was going to reply to him/her (hard to tell with a No Name handle) with a rebuttal that I thought was funny, smart, and logical. Then I read your response and thought no, I can’t top that.
Nice job. Too bad he/she won’t be back to read it.
September 4, 2014 @ 4:00 pm
We lost the great Joan Rivers today,someone who refused to apologize for making jokes or caving in to political correctness on almost a daily basis.We NEED jokes in this messed up world today.
So with Joan in mind,MY reply to “no name” would be…Fuck off.
September 5, 2014 @ 2:52 am
You know I agree. There comes a point where I have to start saying, “You can choose not to be offended you know.” And the just quietly move on but everyone has a problem with something.
And God Love Joan not my favorite comedian but I appreciated her raw and unapologetic voice. No one was safe and she equally cruel to all even herself.
September 5, 2014 @ 6:26 am
Ok? The news is full of headlines about ISIS, and some of us follow these stories because of potential troop deployment. Then we see a headline that says ISIS lays down arms? That’s really messed up to joke about when some people actually care about the conflict.
If you post a story like that with an attention-grabbing headline and no disclaimer, I might as well report you to the DOJ since you claim to have spoken with and quoted ISIS members. They may be interested in your alleged communication with a terrorist network.
September 5, 2014 @ 10:50 am
Yes, do that. Cause this story reeks of validity. I’m sure the DOJ won’t mind wasting their time on this. Then again, if the poor sap that has to spend time checking out stuff that dolts like you report, I’m sure his afternoon will get better for the brief seconds some humor is injected. Do you report Onion articles on a regular basis too? Grow up.
September 5, 2014 @ 3:03 pm
I actually do care greatly about the conflict, and have been following the story on ISIS very intimately on a personal level.
I write these type of satirical stories very rarely. When I do, most of the time I make them just enough believable that people can be lured in to thinking they’re true. That’s part of the fun of it for both me and the readers. But because of the sensitivity of the subject, I purposely wrote both the title, and the story to be so completely far fetched, nobody would ever construe it as being anything but absolute comedy, and as soon as they read the title. I don’t have any control of where links to my stories may show up around the web. If I had the ability, maybe I would extricate a story such as this from those places. Instead I wrote a title that would immediately be recognized as farcical.
I also think any ties to this being insulting to the military are such over-dramatic stretches, it’s not even worth commenting on. Nonetheless, I apologize if you or anyone else was offended.
September 7, 2014 @ 11:53 am
Trigger, great reply and I appreciate your class in apologizing for any offense taken.
But really, at some point, especially in this PC culture, you just can’t be concerned anymore about people taking offense when it’s clear that no offense was meant.
I really don’t understand why people are so quick to be offended/so desirous of being offended these days.
September 5, 2014 @ 7:22 am
“Wah wah, no one reads my other stories”
Get off this theory that no one reads your real articles. No one means zero.
September 4, 2014 @ 2:33 pm
Honestly, I was praying this wouldn’t be tagged as “fake news” as I made it to the bottom! =(
September 4, 2014 @ 2:35 pm
What is your source? Is this April’s Fool?
September 4, 2014 @ 3:00 pm
That’s what this site has been asking about the Country Top 40 for quite a while now…
September 4, 2014 @ 2:58 pm
September 4, 2014 @ 3:08 pm
Too fucking funny!!!
September 4, 2014 @ 4:44 pm
This is in really bad taste. I was going to explain why, but if you don’t already get it I doubt I could explain it so that you would.
September 4, 2014 @ 9:07 pm
It’s called satire. Look it up.
I think this article is fuckin hilarious.
September 5, 2014 @ 6:38 am
Unfortunately, the newsfeed from this site goes out to other sites which are not satire. Do a Google search for the headline – it shows up across various sites that appear to be legit news sources. A really messed up thing to do at a time like this.
September 5, 2014 @ 11:38 am
Wah wah wah. It’s a joke. If someone takes it seriously because they’re too dumb to understand satire, then they need to get off the internet.
If you read the review for Garth Brooks’ new song, you would see that Trigger was saying that the content suggests that all people need to do is love each other, and that will end all crises. This article is poking fun at the song, saying that because of Garth Brooks’ hopeful lyrics, everyone that heard it decided “Yea you’re right! Why don’t we just love each other!?!?”. Obviously the world is more complicated than that and you can’t write a song saying we just need to love each other and that will fix everything.
September 5, 2014 @ 6:29 am
I agree. There are enough other issues in the world that could be joked about, without resorting to an very life-or-death issue that could still put our troops in harm’s way. This would be like making fun of the twin towers on Sept. 12, 2001. Totally tasteless, and I normally don’t mind offensive humor but this just crosses the line.
September 5, 2014 @ 11:49 am
“this just crosses the line.”
no, it doesn’t. it’s protected free speech.
— civil rights trial lawyer
September 5, 2014 @ 1:17 pm
No one said he couldn’t say it. It’s just in bad taste given the children being murdered, adults being beheaded, and women being raped. As readers of his blog we’re allowed to tell him when we disagree or find something distasteful. Saying you don’t like what someone says or boycotting them isn’t violating free speech.
September 5, 2014 @ 2:44 pm
And that’s different than what goes on every day in this country how? I’ll spot you the beheadings, but really… What’s the difference in how someone is murdered?
Check the Chicago Tribune headlines Monday morning and we’ll compare death and rape tolls.
Don’t let the war drums beat too loudly for you… Or maybe let them beat for here.
September 4, 2014 @ 5:05 pm
Each time I see or hear about Garth, I think about Waylon’s joke about the “pantyhose”.
September 4, 2014 @ 6:06 pm
Who knew chris gaines would cause peace in the middle east. There is a use for the “new” country, we could play colt ford at gitmo to make the terrorist talk.
September 4, 2014 @ 8:37 pm
this was well done.
duffelblog.com is really good for these The Onion military type stories too.
September 5, 2014 @ 1:30 pm
Duffleblog is hilarious. My favorite, by far, is the one about the Obama family vacation at the Marine base in Hawaii. Someone high up on the PMO chain took it hook, line, and sinker and went off about it in the comments.
September 5, 2014 @ 6:05 am
This time, the title was enough to make me laugh, no doubt because I had thoughts along these lines as I listened to the lyrics (Applejack perfectly described them as pollyannish). I was thinking of a Dave Chappelle bit on the book “The Secret” and could see Dave saying something like “Man, sing that shit for ISIS and tell me how that works out.”
September 5, 2014 @ 7:41 am
This article is hilarious. Those who are offended by it really need to look up the terms “joke” and “get a sense of humor.”
September 5, 2014 @ 11:13 am
September 5, 2014 @ 2:50 pm
You really gotta wonder how some people manage a whole day on the internet without offing themselves. It’s a pretty offensive place. Perhaps go back to those “Creating Exciting Doily” books or something…
September 5, 2014 @ 3:45 pm
They don’t. They just usually off some innocents first.
September 5, 2014 @ 5:10 pm
Clearly you don’t support the troops as much as we do Trigger.
September 5, 2014 @ 5:56 pm
I clearly don’t support them as much as this guy:
September 5, 2014 @ 8:01 pm
Wow! That dude actually named his album after the FONT he used for the cover!
September 6, 2014 @ 6:07 am
Speaking of MJM, we haven’t heard anything from him in awhile. Couldn’t he keep up with the EDM times?
September 7, 2014 @ 5:51 pm
poor taste. fucking poor taste
September 26, 2015 @ 10:31 pm
Interesting article as I just went to a Garth Brooks concert. He did a song Home Town Boy and the entire stadium started chanting USA as the song was ending and images of our military were being shown. That being said a family friend of mine is currently undergoing psychological monitoring after being involved in a cleanup operation where he and his unit helped a small town clean up after an attack. I have a very strong constitution but after hearing a small part of his story relating to how the children were not just killed but actually cut apart in-front of their parents while still alive and the look on his face brought tears to my eyes. So as far fetched as this story is, those with a little more involvement than the normal person in the US could hope for something like this and can still enjoy the satire. My friend actually laughed after reading this farceacle and said wow now that would be funny.