The 2024 CMT Awards Were Absolutely TERRIBLE

I saw Jason Aldean perform on the 2024 CMT Awards, and now I’m a RACIST!

Aldean performed in front of the 27-story University of Texas Tower in Austin, and murdered it harder than Charles Joseph Whitman. Seems strange to make the backdrop for performances a notorious location of a historic killing. But after the video for “Try That in a Small Town,” Jason Aldean’s an old hand at this.

Kelsea Ballerini hosted the 2024 CMT Awards, and starred in 17 commercials. Apparently there’s no skin product she won’t whore. Ballerini also performed a medley of her hit on what truly felt like a historically bad CMT Awards, which everyone should remember, DON’T REALLY MATTER.

Tyler Childers is a “Breakthrough Artist?” This is how the mainstream demeans artists not on the radio. Tyler Childers currently has over 11.2 million monthly listeners on Spotify. Jason Aldean has 9 million. Sam Hunt has 7.7 million. Tyler Childers is one of the biggest artists in all of country music. “Breakthrough Artist” my ass, CMTs.

And where was Bey? She’s the biggest thing in country music right now.

I’ll tell you why, RACISM!

The only possible explanation of why Beyoncé was not there was exclusion by CMT due to the fact that Beyoncé is Black. All members of the Beyhive like me should boycott CMT forevermore, and divebomb/shame all of CMT’s social media properties incessantly until it makes the nightly news. Let’s do this girls!

Melissa Etheridge performed briefly, though Kristen Hall would have been a better pick to represent country music’s LGBT community. But Sugarland was in the house, so that would have been a little awkward.

Neeedtobreathe needasteelguitar. Or a fiddle, or something with some bit of twang. They sound like a boy band.

Gotta love how Trisha Yearwood got some meaningless humanitarian award, and Garth Brooks couldn’t be bothered to pull himself out of planning meetings for his newest box set to show a little support. Garth knows the CMTs don’t mean shit.

Jelly Roll has more alligator tears even than Garth Brooks, and that’s saying something. Jelly’s acceptance speeches come with the thunder of a shake shack preacher, and the sincerity of a snake oil salesman.

Warren Zeiders is one of the coolest new artists in country music. Just ask him.

Bailey Zimmerman is who basic bitches think Tyler Childers is.

I’ve never heard of Dasha, or her manufactured viral hit “Austin.” Hopefully I never will again.

Megan Moroney is one of the most promising up-and-coming women in mainstream country, but she was more pitchy than Roger Clemens, who was there to tribute his friend Toby Keith. “No Caller ID?” We can be sure she was using no Autotune.

Sam Hunt somehow was even more off key than Megan Moroney. It was truly embarrassing. Mainstream country music just doesn’t have good singers. It’s a big, big problem.

But there were some old school legends in the house that older fans could recognize and cheer for… like James Van Der Beek, and Roger Clemens, who was once accused of being in adulterous relationship with country singer Mindy McCready when she was only 15—an accusation McCready said, “I cannot refute.”

Classy, CMTs. Classy.

How Little Big Town is still a going concern is anyone’s guess. The same goes for Sugarland, and their LGBT exclusionary, fatality stage collapsing past. The CMTs had the brilliant idea of smashing them together to sing a Phil Collins song. The result was something even less than their dubious, ill-fitting parts. Retire already LBT and Sugarland. You have no fans.

Brooks & Dunn paid tribute to Toby Keith by performing “Should’ve Been a Cowboy” and it should’ve been one of the bright spots. But if we’re being honest, if felt very mid as seat fillers brought in from the University of Texas to make the undersold Moody Arena look full appeared stupefied why there was dad music on the stage.

Then Kix Brooks straight up train wrecked the lyrics in the 2nd chorus, and if it wasn’t for Ronnie Dunn, the entire tribute may have gone completely off the rails.

Trisha Yearwood had a solid performance of her new tune “Put It in a Song,” with Erin Enderlin and Jim “Moose” Brown playing acoustic guitars behind her. It was one of the few if only bright spots.

Keith Urban can kick rocks in his George Jones T-shirt, and posing in front of the “Keep Austin Country” sign. What a sick, sadistic irony this all is. Seriously, get this shit out of A-town before Dale Watson shows up and kicks everyone’s ass in front of God and everybody.

The CMT Awards sponsored by Walt Disney World don’t do anything to keep Austin country, or weird. It should never be allowed within the Austin City Limits ever again.

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