Willie Nelson Rushed to Undisclosed Protective Location After Rash of Celebrity Music Deaths
Willie Nelson is okay at the moment, but after the incredible rash of high-profile passings of musical icons spanning many genres, generations, and international borders in 2016, every resource of the United States government is being deployed to make sure the country music legend stays safe and sound for now.
After the deaths of David Bowie, Glenn Frey of the Eagles, Keith Emerson, producer George Martin, close Willie Nelson friend and country music icon Merle Haggard earlier in April, and now iconic music legend Prince, all precautions are being taken to make sure Willie Nelson stays alive no matter what the costs or resources necessary. This is the reassuring news coming from the United States government.
After the announcement of Prince’s passing, a pre-designed action plan was immediately put in motion for this very scenario. The operation is a collaborative effort between the Department of Homeland Security, the Department of Defense, and the Department of Heath and Human Services. President Obama signed an executive order executing the plan, and unlocking federal emergency funds to allow the operation to move forward.
Willie Nelson, who was home at his ranch outside of Austin at the time, was rushed via helicopter to a secured, undisclosed location. Immediately upon arrival that the Nelson residence, a team of top military doctors began running a full health diagnostic screening on the 82-year-old, checking blood pressure, metabolism, breathing, other vital signs, while also running a battery of full spectrum blood tests looking for any known pathogens or ailments that might put the singer and songwriter in any danger.
Then after an initial detox and inoculation of Willie Nelson with electrolytes and mineral-rich IV fluids, he was safely secured in a hypebaric chamber fitted with a precautionary life support apparatus that was then fitted with 2-ton-rated shock absorbers. Willie was then spirited off via military air support to a secure location that is said to be able to withstand a 12.0 earthquake, Category 5 hurricanes or tornadoes, or global thermonuclear war.
“We are treating this as a Federal emergency, and anything that can be done to ensure the safety of Willie Nelson is being implemented,” says Secret Service undersecretary Ash Frankenfurter. “We are handling this as if the top heads of state in the United States government were in jeopardy, and their safety and security were needing to be guaranteed for the continuance of the government.”
Willie Nelson, who didn’t seem to understand what all the fuss was about but amicably complied with Obama’s executive order to secure his person in an abundance of caution, asked when he arrived at the undisclosed secure location, “Do y’all have any of the military-grade weed I’ve always heard about?”
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Shout out to Farce The Music for inspiring this post on Twitter.
April 21, 2016 @ 6:41 pm
First rule of comedy: be funny.
April 22, 2016 @ 5:00 am
Ditto. Have no problem with the content. The execution isn’t funny, though. It feels forced like a Pauly Shore movie.
April 21, 2016 @ 6:46 pm
And don’t forget jazz master Gato Barbari~
April 21, 2016 @ 6:56 pm
Give up the satire you prick, you have no bone for comedy.
April 21, 2016 @ 7:05 pm
We really should be doing this. 2016 has been harsh enough. Don’t take Willie from us.
April 21, 2016 @ 7:14 pm
“Turrible”- Charles Barkley
April 21, 2016 @ 7:21 pm
Don’t know why there’s so many red asses in this comments section. Folks on Twitter and Facebook seem to be loving it. I’ve always believed laughter is the best medicine.
April 21, 2016 @ 7:28 pm
Well, I thought it was fuckin’ hilarious. 😀
April 21, 2016 @ 8:29 pm
I couldn’t quite laugh yet, but it certainly made me smile. 🙂
April 29, 2022 @ 6:52 am
im sorry but im pretty sure that OBAMA IS NOT THE ONE TO GET IN there and help with security for Willie Nelson. Even if Im wrong. Dont you think we were fooled once. and not me. And nothing to do with anyones color before some one puts words in my Mouth. so be careful.
December 14, 2022 @ 3:25 pm
George W would have I know in my heart without a doubt!!!
April 21, 2016 @ 8:39 pm
It is because we live in the “Land of the Offended”.
I thought it was funny as well. Prince and David Bowie were not on my playlist, but we should put Willie and his guitar in a bubble, to keep them both safe!!
If you read this and take it too serious…you need to take a fucking chill pill.
April 22, 2016 @ 7:44 am
Your “Land of the Offended” offends me! Take it down! No wait, take the whole website down! Kill the entire internet!!!
Obviously I’m 100% joking. I started tearing up from laughing so hard after seeing “Land of the Offended” because it’s so damn true. haha
December 13, 2021 @ 6:54 am
dude everybody here loves willie nelson. they have a problem with trigger being bad at comedy. why are there butthurt old farts talking about people being offended on even the most inane posts? there are facebook groups for that.
April 21, 2016 @ 9:15 pm
I loved it! Good work!
April 21, 2016 @ 9:23 pm
Don’t worry Trigger, this was hilarious. Hell, I would gladly see my tax dollars go to keeping Willie alive.
April 21, 2016 @ 10:21 pm
good one, Trigger! LOL
April 22, 2016 @ 5:56 am
Don’t confuse people finding it not funny with people being offended. Those are two very distinct opinions.
April 22, 2016 @ 7:37 am
Let them bitch. I always get a good chuckle out of you “Fake News” articles. Especially the one about Jason Isbell and “his twin brother Clyde.” Keep up the good work buddy!
April 22, 2016 @ 9:19 am
Now THAT one was hilarious. This one was mildly amusing to me. But hey, even The Babe couldn’t hit ’em all out of the park.
April 23, 2016 @ 6:57 pm
Long time reader. First time poster, to any comment section. Love the mission, the site and most of the articles. Have laughed my ass off at the “fake news” posts. Simply don’t see the humor or the need for this one. Keep ’em coming, but this one fell flat with me at least.
April 24, 2016 @ 1:31 pm
Well you win some, you lose some. This one appears to have been very hot for some, and super cold for others. It’s still smoldering on Facebook here days later.
Thanks for reading.
Me, myself and I
September 24, 2022 @ 4:18 am
And more than 6 years later. On the anniversary of my own birth. If, in your mind, you “heard” the word “sex” stead of 6 / six as in the number of years since the original date of the Ash Frankenfarter line – that’s funny right there – I personally know someone who personally knows someone – a woman, that is, who in her sexy female voice pronounces the number 6 as “sex” nearly every time she says it (that was intentional on my part as well as funny) as I never met or even know the identity of said aforementioned woman with said sexy voice – then my mission is accomplished! I like to be funny and make others laugh. Laughter is very good medicine and should be experienced as often as possible, even in situations that are not actually funny because we have to laugh at times because otherwise this life will be too painful to bear. As I heard a man say “I am too mad to be angry” I sincerely hope you have laughed reading my run-on sentences. (BTW that quote is from a man I heard say it in the parking lot of Pizza Hut in Fort Walton Beach, Florida in 1979 after his brand new car was dented while he was in the restaurant.) He said he’d only had the car 3 days. True story. Poor man. I hope that never happened to another brand new car of his and I hope he forgave me. Or finally forgives me.
April 21, 2016 @ 7:21 pm
I thought this one was funny enough…
April 21, 2016 @ 7:28 pm
Hey I think it’s funny! But seriously, we should do this.
April 21, 2016 @ 7:28 pm
How bout an album review next time, jackass?
April 21, 2016 @ 7:41 pm
It takes another man to die to learn of his contributions to a country song: http://tinyurl.com/jzpywff
April 21, 2016 @ 7:46 pm
I hope Lemmy, Merle, Bowie and Prince are all together somewhere out there. That would be a fascinating group of true rebels.
April 21, 2016 @ 8:23 pm
Hear, hear. 🙂
April 21, 2016 @ 8:28 pm
Hey Trig, you forgot Lemmy in this. Just sayin’
April 21, 2016 @ 8:32 pm
Officially Lemmy died in 2015, but yes, let’s not forget the Kilmeister! Or Steve Young, and a bunch of other greats that have passed recently.
January 17, 2021 @ 1:09 pm
How about tom petty???
April 21, 2016 @ 9:29 pm
Trigger, what is wrong with you? Have some respect! Come on, why would I want to read a humorous article? We, your readers, pay you to write essays on the state of country music! There is no place for humor on this website! Go right an album review for my hometown’s Hank 3 cover band for god’s sake!
If you don’t like Hank 3 you’re not cockstrong!
Trigger, you need to learn how to run a website. Your readers obviously know better than you 🙂
theres my kids n thats my wife but whos that Lil Dale runnin my life?
April 21, 2016 @ 10:35 pm
“…all precautions are being taken to make sure Willie Nelson stays alive no matter what the costs or resources necessary. This is the reassuring news coming from the United States government.”
obuma wood rather allocate the money to resettle arabs in North Dakota or help iran build nuclear weapons, or welfare handouts to people who aint never worked a day in there lifes. he woodnt give a damm about Willie.
April 22, 2016 @ 3:34 am
I try to go see willie every opportunity I can. Keep me in touch with good ol times n memories of my grandparents. God bless us all
April 23, 2016 @ 4:12 pm
So true. Certainly proud I didn’t vote for that clown!
April 21, 2016 @ 10:38 pm
Speaking of Prince, I noticed that there seemed to be a feeling of loss from musicians of all genres including country. Jackson Taylor did a nice tribute. I had a roommate in the army who was a huge Prince fan. I tried not to like his music, but a lot of my old memories with my Army buddies are set to a Prince soundtrack. Though he may not be the taste for some here, Prince was a hell of a guitarist and songwriter. Sad to see him go.
April 21, 2016 @ 10:50 pm
I posted a couple of things on the Saving Country Music Twitter page when the news came down about Prince, because I knew it would be a safe place and it wouldn’t cause any blow back. The reason I didn’t post anything on Facebook is because I didn’t want to have to twist off on some redneck telling me how some fag from Minnesota in eyeliner has nothing to do with saving country music.
The reason I posted THIS article is because I really wanted to recognize Prince’s death in some way on the site, and this was my stupid little way of doing it while still staying topical to country. Maybe it wasn’t funny, I don’t know. But I believe Price was a tower of music, just like David Bowie. On days like this, loyalty to music genres or styles doesn’t matter. We’re all just music fans mourning a major loss. And I couldn’t imagine posting anything else but something that had to do with Prince, and the loss of so many music legends in 2016.
April 22, 2016 @ 4:59 am
The comment you have written here is a much better thought out and emotionally written piece than the main article posted above.
I am not a particular fan of Prince – I do like some of his songs. But I do recognize that he was a major artist in the world of music over the last 30 years.
I see nothing wrong with writing a proper article to recognize Prince’s death and to give him the credit he is due on the Saving Country Music website.
Only extremely petty readers would have objections to marking the passing of the man on this website and they would be in the minority I would imagine.
I am not against humour, but I do think to mark his passing and to show respect to him and his family, a proper well written tribute to him would have been much more appropriate and appreciated by all.
The Willie Nelson article, though well intended, is underwhelming and somewhat inappropriate in my view.
April 22, 2016 @ 7:07 am
Problem is that lately it seems an awful lot of readers here (or, at least the ones commenting) are extremely petty readers. I’d bet everything I own they’d start bitching the second a proper Prince article was posted.
And at least one jackass would post about how he’s never coming back to SCM, as if he expects anyone to actually give a shit.
April 23, 2016 @ 6:37 pm
Hey, I actually liked Prince, anD actually came here to see if he had posted anything about him, then I saw this. I thought it was hilarious! But I threw a tantrum that time on the WY thread, because I was vulgarly insulted by someone, and when I complained, I was accused of “throwing shade”. I may have overreacted a bit, but I’m sick of people acting like my opinions don’t matter, or they get pissed off about my opinion. I have come back quietly, and haven’t said anything to anyone about much of anything, but I missed it here. I enjoy reading the articles and the comments can be hilarious sometimes. No other site that I’ve seen is like this one. I’ve been watching videos about positivity and about being thankful. I’m thankful Willie hasn’t left us, yet, and I’m thankful that I’m here and for all the blessings in my life. Those I have had, those I do have, and those yet to come. I do have a temper, make no mistake, but I’m getting better. I’ve learned to just let it all go (well, I AM learning, anyway). I forgive anyone that has pissed me off in the past, and hopefully those I pissed off will forgive me as well. Not necessarily here, just in general. Oh, and I’m thankful for Milk Music! I get outlaws, inlaws, and everything in between! I love it! No need for radio or to even pay for XM, if I choose not to.
Anyway…I’m back, tail between my legs, and just enjoying the articles. 🙂
September 4, 2021 @ 1:33 pm
I do not like It or the article and to bring up death any man or woman specifically the death of stars who never served or gave to charities or even donated time and money to poor like Willie Nelson did for farmers needs to be honored.
April 22, 2016 @ 9:52 am
The thing is, I’m not in a proper position to write a proper tribute to Prince. There are literally hundreds of tributes out there right now on periodicals and websites big and small written by people who have studied Prince’s life in much more detail than I have. They’re qualified to write on Price’s life, I am not beyond composing a poignant tweet. Honestly, posting some half-cocked obituary or remembrance of Prince with stuff stolen from his Wikipedia page I think would have been more opportunistic and disrespectful that this article ever was, just as it is when pop writers try to pay tribute to Merle Haggard by calling him “The greatest Outlaw ever” like they did in Rolling Stone.
I guess some folks didn’t find this very funny, and I’m totally fine with that. I threw it together last minute. Can’t win them all I guess. But I would have rather posted this then a half-baked obit. I was a fan of Prince, but only from the outside looking in.
April 22, 2016 @ 3:52 pm
That”™s a fair enough response. These things are difficult to gauge correctly so I sympathize that you are in a tough spot on how to mark the occasion.
As I said I am not against humour. However I think when someone passes away, on that occasion out of respect for the deceased person and his/her family, it is not appropriate to write a humorous article on the event.
If I put myself in the shoes of that person”™s family and friends, I think reading an article like this would upset me and anger me. It is making light of a very sad event and a very dark time in their lives.
It just seems to come across as a bit disrespectful to me.
If you do not feel qualified to write a proper article on his life but would still like to acknowledge his passing, a short heartfelt post would have been more appropriate. Again I found your short response to Scott S (your second paragraph) much more appropriate and touching.
This is just my opinion of course.
You may be right but for me people who react as you describe to the passing of another human being are not the kind of people that I would like to read their comments on other subjects. So if they never come back to this website, I do not consider that as a big loss! (even though this will reduce traffic to your website Trigger, sorry)
April 22, 2016 @ 8:56 pm
I personally have no problem with people honoring Prince or David Bowie. I do, however, have major issues with the mainstream media going way overboard with the coverage, especially when they blatantly have a lack of coverage on Country artists passing. Example, Prince took up a good 50% of Good Morning America this morning. Merle Haggard’s death wasn’t mentioned until the 2nd half hour where they advertised a segment on him to show in the next half hour that never aired for the remainder of the show because they ran out of time talking about Star Wars, a new exercise fad, and Taylor Swift ‘s cat. One could argue Merle was 20 years older and had been ill, but I’d wager any day his impact/importance to Country was greater than Prince’s was to Pop. Joey Feek also comes to mind. While no where near as famous or impactful as Prince, I can’t imagine any music related death this year has been more tragic or more detrimental to the survival of a genre (in this instance “Traditional” Country Music). Even her passing didn’t receive a quarter of the coverage. I respect what Prince (& to an extent Bowie) did, but when did how “out there” or “different” you could be and showmanship (granted, along with talent) trump just purely getting by on an incredible amount of musical talent alone (ie. Haggard)?
April 23, 2016 @ 6:49 pm
I think it was more about how he died at the age he did. Merle, as you mentioned was older, and had been ill. With Prince it was a sudden shock. Merle had been in the news a bit recently before his passing because of his illness, though I understand where you’re coming from. When Michael Jackson died, we heard about him almost non-stop. Same with Whitney, then her daughter. Bowie didn’t get near the coverage, nor did Glenn Frey (which bugged the hell out of me). It’s not like Prince has been all that active in the industry lately, but Glenn was actually supposed to do a concert with the Eagles, and they were, IMHO more popular than Prince had been. Who knows?! I have a theory about why these certain artists have received so much coverage, but I’m going to keep that to myself. I don’t want to offend anyone…
April 22, 2016 @ 3:54 am
Great piece. Put a smile on my face on this sad day for music.
April 22, 2016 @ 4:16 am
One would think the marijuana lobby would have a much more vested interest in Willie’s continuing viability. Surely they could muster a team of head doctors to attend to Willie 24/7.
Still, a short position on Cannabis Sativa is in order any time Willie sneezes. I have a put option myself.
April 22, 2016 @ 8:46 am
WTF! Apparently Dallas Davidson himself has a song out now called Laid Back. Seriously?
April 22, 2016 @ 8:52 am
Reminds me of reading the recent book on the making of Prince’s Purple Rain film and soundtrack, the book called “Let’s Go Crazy,” and how Prince’s fascination with Bob Seger and his ballads led him to write “Purple Rain,” at which point folks around him thought it was a country song that Willie Nelson would cover.
April 22, 2016 @ 11:11 am
The worst part about Prince dying is that nobody seems to have noticed that Lonnie Mack also died yesterday.
April 22, 2016 @ 3:37 pm
The is the first time ive heard obama doing somthing right lol.
April 22, 2016 @ 7:31 pm
Ha! This is too good! I only wish it were true…
April 22, 2016 @ 9:55 pm
damn…tough crowd tonight. lol
Me, myself and I
September 24, 2022 @ 4:33 am
Lunchbox? As in the Bobby Bones show? If so I sure enjoy the radio show and the wonderful mix of personalities. I hope you stay the straight shooter you sound like and I get to hear the show many more years. Thank you all.
April 23, 2016 @ 5:00 pm
Hide him from the Chemtrails bro!
June 13, 2016 @ 3:50 am
Raised by a early 60s hippie mom who loved the great rock and roll bands but had a very special place for willie. She took me at age 7 to his concert and the thing I remembered the most is it smelled like my mom’s room when she came out after being in there a while. Big Marijuana supporters here in east texas and love the way when you meet him he treats you no different than a friend of his. Stay safe we need ya
Not Cody Jinks
April 8, 2020 @ 8:29 pm
This is way more relevant in 2020 than in 2016. Just saying. Protect Willie at all costs!
August 13, 2020 @ 11:31 am
I saw this in the SCM sidebar today and thought it was a 2020 article too… Having not read it in 2016, i did. Man, they put him in a helicopter? How many musicians have died flying? You gotta put Willie in a pickup truck on dirt roads to the safezone man! 🙂
February 9, 2021 @ 10:34 pm
Sweet mother of Moses on a moped! You insipid dullards have done nothing, but blathered on about whether that drawn out anecdotal was a genuine barrel of monkey nuts vs a plastic barrel of monkey nuts. Who gives a tinker’s fuck about any of that. What inquiring minds want to know is whether Willie got to try any of that military grade shit or not.
March 31, 2022 @ 10:03 am
I loved the”article”! Some of the comments show the lack of intelligence and lack of humor some people have! For crying out loud, if Willie could laugh at it I’m sure it was funny and if you have to make a political statement out of satire (I know that’s too big a word for some of you conservative rednecks) then you need to go back to school and get past the 6th grade! It’s a frickin joke NOT A POLITICAL STATEMENT!! AND posting your political views doest show your intelligence it does just the opposite! And by the way, I’m conservative, just not so conservative I have to turn a comment section about a joke into a hate forum about a former president! And btw , I heard he did get to try that Military Grade Marijuana, MGM strain for those that want to know! A hybrid 50/50 sativa indica with a strong CBD component that wakes you up then puts you into a sleepy dream state while healing all your bodies aches and pains and taking 20 years off of old age! A virtual fountain of youth in a puff!! And so potent you simply inhale the vapors it naturally exudes,(another big word) to enjoy it’s powerful intoxicating effects. No smoking necessary!
April 11, 2023 @ 1:31 pm
He had no problem promoting that communist Beto during the Texas gov election