Taylor Swift Announced As New Face of $10 Bill After Solving Mother of All 1st World Problems


After solving the mother of all First World problems, the United States Treasury has announced that pop superstar Taylor Swift will be the new face of the $10 bill. And word out of Oslo, Norway is that Swift has all of a sudden been shifted right into the running for the next Nobel Peace Prize. What cataclysmic upheaval did Taylor Swift stave off to be bestowed such distinctions? . . . The contentious and complex issue of whether music artists would be paid during a preliminary, 3-month trial period as part of Apple Music’s new streaming service.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew made the announcement late last week that gender equality was coming to America’s paper money stocks in the form of a facelift for the 10-spot, and ever since then names like Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Sacagawea, Sally Ride, and Elanor Roosevelt have been offered up as viable candidates for the currency upgrade. But Taylor Swift’s Father’s Day heroics to stave off an impasse between Apple and many independent artists by posting an open letter about the issue has the United States mint thinking “Swifties” are a good replacement for the old “Hamilton’s.”

“If there’s anything we’ve learned over over the 240 years of the American democracy is that there isn’t a problem we can’t make for ourselves out of an issue that ultimately is of nominal consequence, and then solve that problem after great histrionics and hand wringing,” said Treasury spokesperson Dylan Frankenfurter, as part of the Treasury announcement. “It’s the perfect way to pat ourselves on the back and make heroes out of average individuals for doing virtually inconsequential deeds in lieu of solving legitimate problems, or enacting actual progress.”

John Markman of the technology-based Quagmire Magazine—a self-professed streaming music expert—says, “While a 1/3 of the world just struggles to find basic necessities like clean water, food, and shelter, we take an elective entertainment commodity made in an elective profession, and make it seem like a matter of life and death. Taylor Swift’s greatest accomplishment might have been getting Apple’s top tier elitist executives to break their Bay Area Father’s Day golfing tee times when she blew up their 12th-generation prototype Smartphones with her Tumblr post. Meanwhile civil war and smoldering conflicts ravage the rest of the world more than ever in recent memory, and divisiveness across racial, economic, and ideological divides has reached the peak of polarization on the home front. We should all be thankful that the free flow of Taylor Swift’s derivative and mediocre pop music, mostly composed on a Mac by Swedish producer Shellback, will not be infringed, helping us all dull the pain of raging complacency.”

But even if the Taylor Swift / Apple Music impasse had not been solved, some say life and music in the United States would have inexplicably gone on. “Music is one of the most basic forms of express by man, and no matter what corporations or superstars try to do with it, it belongs to the people—to the people who express it and enjoy it,” says Johnny Harrison from Oswego, who describes himself as an average music fan. “The most important thing is passing along the idea that music has value. But even if all the music in the world became free, they could  never take away the joy that exists on back porches, in living rooms, in thousands of bars and clubs all across the fruited plane filled with musicians purely expressing themselves and the fans that love them. Good on Taylor Swift for taking a stand, but ultimately it is the people that have to vote with their dollars to keep real music alive.”

Meanwhile a grassroots campaign to draft Taylor Swift for the upcoming Presidential election is underway, as is an effort to amend the Constitution so a 25-year-old can run for the office. But Swift is said to not be interested in the pursuit, unless she can retrofit her current “1989 World Tour” into a politically-oriented whistle stop campaign on the fly.

Rosa Parks could not be reached for comment.

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