CMT and Viacom are by far the biggest perpetrators of cultural erosion in the country music community, and their annual fan-voted awards are a laughable attempt to showcase talent and bestow accolades that in the end are meaningless (No Trig, tell us how you really feel). But since a lot of eyeballs will be trained on this 3rd-rate event and things might transpire of interest to the overall country music world, let’s watch along and share our criticisms, observations, and if need be, praise.
As the night goes on I will be posting my observations in timeline form, and as always, you’re encouraged to pipe up in the comments section below. Also below you can find the nominees, and a list of what to expect as far as performers and presenters.
Now, let’s get small!
CMT Music Award Winners:
- Video of the Year – Carrie Underwood, ‘See You Again’
- Male Video of the Year – Blake Shelton, ‘Doin’ What She Likes’
- Female Video of the Year – Miranda Lambert, ‘Automatic’
- Group Video of the Year – The Band Perry, ‘Done’
- Duo Video of the Year – Florida Georgia Line, ”Round Here’
- Breakthrough Video of the Year – Cassadee Pope, ‘Wasting All These Tears’
- Collaborative Video of the Year – Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan, ‘This Is How We Roll’
- CMT Performance of the Year – Luke Bryan and Lionel Richie, ‘Oh No/All Night Long’
10:01 – Yeah, so I’m not exactly how I should rate what just happened and what sort of sliding scale to use, but I have to say the opening number after ZZ Top, with Florida Georgia Line, Luke Bryan, and Jason Derulo was the biggest mess/most disappointing thing I have ever seen transpire that could ever in any way be associated with country music. Positively awful and jarring. Also was completely classless to end the thing 20 minutes early so they could promote their “Party Down South” show to the country music masses: pretty much the whole point of tonight’s show. You could palpably feel the awkwardness when the host said “Goodnight!” and it was 20 minutes ’till the end of the hour.
It was cool to see the Alan Jackson tribute and that it was a complete song instead of an abbreviated montage, and that they gave him an award.
CMT has been going in the worng direction for years, but there is clearly a feeling that “Party Down South” has completely lowered the brow of programming there across all of their shows, including the CMT Awards. The toilet humor was non stop, and at times, completely awkward. I still don’t understand Bobby Bones’ joke/not joke about Jake Owne being the hottest woman there. Waiting for an explanation. So yeah, it was the CMT Awards. Let’s recap the winners and go home.
9:50 – Alright folks, I will try to compose some final thoughts and wrap this thing up. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone that stopped by, read, watched, participated, retweeted, commented, etc. etc. We made it through … together.
9:46 – So seriously, CMT just rope a doped America into watching a bunch of “Party Down South” bullshit by ending their show early. What a load of garbage.
9:42 – Wait a second, so they’re going to end this thing 20 minutes early to roll a “Party Down South” infomercial? Are you fucking kidding me?
9:40 – Carrie Underwood wins the CMT Award for Video of the Year for “See You Again”.
9:38 – Nothing says country like Gwar-ish mohawks and wind machines.
9:37 – Welp, Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood got the amount of mascara right this time, but this song still blows.
9:35 – Now some guy I don’t know (probably a TV guy) is talking about wanting a mustache ride. What’s up with the homo-errotic joke series this evening?
9:34 – Watching a tort commercial about vaginal mesh (???), and it’s still better than most of the presentations tonight.
9:29 – Back on Little Big Town, I know they have some big proponents out there, but every chance they have to get my attention they lay an egg. The stupid motorbotin’ “Pontoon” song and now “Day Drinking” are just about worthless.
9:25 – The CMT Award winner for Duo Video of the Year goes to Florida Georgia Line for “Round Here”. And water is wet.
9:22 – “Boys ‘Round Here” Blake Shelton? I thought we were done with this garbage.
9:21 – Oh look, Little Big Town used that colored chalk shit just like Florida Georgia Line did in their “Cruise” video. Good luck getting that shit out of you maxillary sinuses. “Day Drinking” was just all about co-opting elements from other successful bits.
9:19 – The bullshit floor tom drum ensemble bit is the scourge of American popular music in 2014. Leave that bullshit to The Blue Man Group, Stomp, and Imagine Dragons.
9:17 – Why is Little Big Town dressed like their wife just told them they have to take engagement pictures?
9:12 – Before you say “It can’t get any worse”, appreciate we still have the banshee yawp of Carrie Underwood & Miranda Lambert’s “Somethin’ Bad.” Get ready to smear your mascara.
9:09 – Miranda Lambert wins the CMT Award for Female Video of the Year for “Automatic”. Not a bad song or video. Well deserved.
9:06 – Okay so we’ve heard the songs “Hey Bartender,” “Drunk On A Plane”, “Bottoms Up”, and Little Big Town are supposed to debut a song called “Day Drinking.” Do we see a pattern here kids?
9:01 – Oh great, and here comes “The Move”
8:59 – One more hour people, we can do this! I believe in you! Maybe we’ll hear a steel guitar! (probably not)
8:53 – Never seen more label-anointed/manufactured country stars in the history of the genre than Dan + Shay. Six months ago they were filling Ventis in a Starbucks in Franklin. And by the way fellas, only Joey + Rory are approved to use mathematics symbols in their name, so step off.
8:50 – Brantley Gilbert sounds worse than Tyler Farr. What the hell’s going on here? Were they huffing gasoline in the parking lot, or did they give each other strep? Terrible.
8:49 – “Are there any drinkers out there?” says Brantley Gilbert whose also used his sobriety for marketing. I respect his sobriety, but you can’t have it both ways Brantley.
8:48 – Did Steve Austin really just call a song “brick ass”? ???
8:44 – Man last year, the side stage had some cool acts. They were backed by The Mavericks, Ashley Monroe and a bunch of other cool people were featured there. This year it’s just lame rapping bro hams throwing down clichÃ©s and poorly-executed and awkward urban gesticulations.
8:41 – Cole Swindell is more white than the wind driven snow. Stop rapping you non-threatening suburban-bred white people!
8:40 – The CMT Award for Collaborative Video of the Year goes to Florida Georgia Line featuring Luke Bryan for “This Is How We Roll”.
8:38 – Sara Evans and Vince Neal from Mötley Crüe make a good pairing, why?
8:36 – All across the country, parents have one hand ready to cover their kids eyes when these “sexy flight attendants” start straight up stripping.
8:35 – Thought Dierks last album was pretty good, but I think “Drunk On A Plane” is one of the worst tracks, though I guess a lot of folks love it.
8:33 – This host is an ass whip.
8:28 – Sorry folks, apparently it is “Lzzy” not “Lizzie” Hale from Halestrom who played with Eric Church earlier. In the heat of battle here.
8:25 – Jennifer Nettles is the worst oversinger in country music. What is the point of this song and performance? Why are the CMT Awards promoting John Legend and his song “All Of Me”? You want to include collaborations with artists from other genres, I get it, you’re trying to draw eyeballs. But at least do a country song.
8:23 – Didn’t recognize LeAnn Rimes without her shoving her thong in a tabloid’s camera.
8:22 – Never thought I would hear a Latin conga drum dance beat on a country award show. Actually, yes I did.
8:20 – The winner for the shamelessly self-promoting “CMT Performance of the Year” award goes to Luke Bryan & Lionel Richie for “Oh No / All Night Long”.
8:18 – Tom Arnold does a dumb bit where he pretends to be a Jason Aldean hologram. I’d pay money to see Rosanne Barr comes out of the wings and throw a big sloppy sandwich at his ass.
8:10 – Appreciate Eric Church giving big ups to Brandy Clark, Dwight Yoakam, and Halestrom on his tour, and for giving Lzzy from Halestrom a big opportunity here. Remember when he also gave a big opportunity on an awards show to Valerie June? http://www.savingcountrymusic.com/valerie-june-stuns-the-acm-awards-in-duet-with-eric-church
But man, “That’s Damn Rock & Roll” is a terrible song. Lzzy did her job though.
8:08 – That is Lzzy Hale from Halestrom performing with Eric Church. They are on tour together, along with Brandy Clark.
8:07 – Huh. VERY interesting song choice by Eric Church, singing “That’s Damn Rock & Roll”, which starts with an anti-establishment rant.
8:06 – “I got it! His song is called “Beachin'” so will have everyone tossing beach balls!” (high fives ensue).
8:03 – Oh, and here comes Jake Owen wearing capri pants. Like shooting fish in a barrel people.
8:02 – Who was that dude in the pastel hot shorts? You should NEVER have to see the pasty inner thigh of another male.
8:00 – Still think Keith Urban’s new haircut looks like a chupacabra, but it’s good to see a sedated, nuanced performance amidst all this madness. Was good to see ZZ Top again too.
7:57 – Alan Jackson should have just dropped the mic and flashed the double bird, but unlike many of these pop country pop tarts, he actually has class.
7:55 – “Screw this dog and pony show, let’s go get a steak,” says Alan Jackson as he casually throws his CMT “Impact Award” in a dumpster and drives away.
7:53 – Country music should take out a restraining order on Tyler Farr’s creepy, girl-stalking ass, forbidding him from coming within 100 years of the genre.
7:52 – Wow, Tyler Farr sounds like absolute shit. Did he swallow a razor blade? No sarcasm intended, somebody get a nurse.
7:50 – Blake Shelton wins the CMT Award for Best Male Video, completely killing any and all buzz from the Alan Jackson tribute.
7:48 – I don’t watch enough television to know who the hell half of these hosts/presenters are.
7:45 – Alan Jackson is presented with the first CMT “Impact Award” by Carrie Underwood. “That song never sounded better,” he says Alan about the Kacey Musgraves and Lee Ann Womack’s performance.
7:43 – Lee Ann Womack, Kacey Musgraves, singing Alan Jackson, backed by Kacey Musgraves’ much underrated band. And not some hurried 30-second song montage. This is great!
7:41 – Really good to see the Alan Jackson tribute during the first hour. Usually they bury these things next to last.
7:40 – Yes! Relief. The Alan Jackson tribute!
7:32 – The CMT Award for Breakthrough Video of the Year goes to Cassadee Pope for “Wasting All These Tears”. She promptly puts on an act like she gives a shit.
7:30 – Puberty jokes aside, Hunter Hayes truly is one of the refreshing male alternatives to bro-country, but his songs just do nothing for me.
7:29 – Bobby Bones posted this earlier:
7:26 – Bobby Bones just said that Jake Owen was the hottest woman there tonight.
7:25 – Trust me folks, we’re gonna get a snoot full of “Party Down South” promotion this evening.
7:24 – That first segment was so scattered, I didn’t even have time to compose a funny/thoughtful/coherent thought.
7:20 – Yeah so the “Nationwide Stage” will be where artists get 30 seconds to deliver their most recognizable hook before getting cut off by a hard cut to the Cialis commercial. Ask your doctor.
7:17 – The Band Perry wins the Group Video of the Year—a meaningless award that will nobody will remember 30 minutes from now and won’t even make it into the fine print of their Wikipedia page.
7:16 – Kristen Bell making moose knuckle jokes speaks to the “Party Down South”-ification of CMT that has happened over the last year, saying “Screw the family friendly nature of country music.”
7:14 – I’ll give the opening this: They have made one reference after another to the male dominance in country music, speaking to just how far that phenomenon has made it in the country music zeitgeist.
7:12 – Did Luke Bryan just make a veiled homo-erotic joke about himself coming out of the elevator? What the hell is going on?
7:11 – Ten minutes in, and clearly NOTHING is going to last longer than 30 seconds to cater to the American short attention span. I feel like my head’s in a blender.
7:10 – Don’t know who any of the people in this opening “host” skit, rendering every joke completely flat. Oh wait, is that Chris Arnold? Dude’s lost some weight.
7:08 – Sorry folks, should have warned this was going to be an expletive-laden live blog. Didn’t know it would be that way until I tuned into that garbage.
7:07 – Jason Derulo, you want me to talk dirty to you? How about this: Stay the fuck out of country music. Please and thank you.
7:06 – Five minutes into the COUNTRY Music Television Awards, and we’ve heard every single genre on the planet but country and klezmer.
7:04 – What the fuck is going on?
7:01 – Holy shite! It’s the little band from Texas, ZZ Top! This might be the most country stuff gets all night. Not country, but if you don’t like Billy Gibbons, you can kiss my ass!
7:00 – Here we go!
6:55 – The only two things I’m looking forward to tonight: 1) Alan Jackson tribute with Kacey Musgraves & Lee Ann Womack. 2) The commercial breaks.
What To Expect (Intel from around the web):
- There will be an Alan Jackson tribute performed by Kacey Musgraves and Lee Ann Womack.
- Actress Kristen Bell will host, and the “case” from CMT’s “Party Down South”, as well as DJ Bobby Bones are expected to make appearances.
- Lady Antebellum will be performing “Bartender” (apparently, with lost of lasers).
- Jake Owen will perform “Beachin'”.
- Lady Antebellum will debut their song “Day Drinking”.
- Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert will perform their duet “Somethin’ Bad”.
- Dierks Bentley will perform “Drunk On A Plane”.
- Luke Bryan, Florida Georgia Line, and pop star Jason Derulo will be performing together, likely “This Is How We Roll”.
- Jennifer Nettles (Sugarland) will be performing the song “All of Me” with Hunter Hayes and John Legend.
- Lzzy Hale from Halestrom will be performing with Eric Church.
- Brantley Gilbert will perform “Bottom’s Up”.
- Blake Shelton, will also perform.
- Dan + Shay and other smaller performers will be performing on a side stage.
- Presenters include Steve Austin, Beth Behrs, Brooklyn Decker, James Van Der Beek, Kate Walsh, Cassadee Pope, Rascal Flatts, LeAnn Rimes, Blake Shelton, Bobby Bones, Carrie Underwood, the cast of “Party Down South”, Cody Alan, the Eli Young Band, Jason Aldean, Justin Moore, Keith Urban, Kip Moore, Lionel Richie, Sara Evans, The Band Perry, Vince Neil, Tom Arnold, Lindsey Stirling, Eric Decker and Jessie James Decker.
2014 CMT Video Award Nominees (for those who care):
VIDEO OF THE YEAR
- Blake Shelton featuring Pistol Annies and Friends – “Boys ‘Round Here”
- Carrie Underwood – “See You Again”
- Florida Georgia Line featuring Luke Bryan – “This Is How We Roll”
- Luke Bryan – “That’s My Kind of Night”
- Miranda Lambert – “Automatic”
- Tim McGraw with Taylor Swift and Keith Urban – “Highway Don’t Care”
MALE VIDEO OF THE YEAR
- Blake Shelton “Doin’ What She Likes”
- Eric Church “Give Me Back My Hometown”
- Hunter Hayes “I Want Crazy”
- Jason Aldean “Night Train”
- Luke Bryan “Crash My Party”
- Randy Houser “Runnin’ Outta Moonlight”
FEMALE VIDEO OF THE YEAR
- Carrie Underwood “See You Again”
- Cassadee Pope “Wasting All These Tears”
- Kacey Musgraves “Follow Your Arrow”
- Miranda Lambert “Automatic”
- Sheryl Crow “Easy”
- Taylor Swift “Red”
GROUP VIDEO OF THE YEAR
- Eli Young Band “Drunk Last Night”
- Lady Antebellum “Compass”
- Little Big Town “Your Side of the Bed”
- Rascal Flatts “Rewind”
- The Band Perry “DONE.”
- Zac Brown Band “Sweet Annie”
DUO VIDEO OF THE YEAR
- Dan + Shay “19 You + Me”
- Florida Georgia Line “Round Here”
- Florida Georgia Line “Stay”
- Thompson Square “Everything I Shouldn’t Be Thinking About”
BREAKTHROUGH VIDEO OF THE YEAR
- Brett Eldredge “Beat of the Music”
- Cassadee Pope “Wasting All These Tears”
- Cole Swindell “Chillin’ It”
- David Nail “Whatever She’s Got”
- Thomas Rhett “It Goes Like This”
- Tyler Farr “Redneck Crazy”
COLLABORATIVE VIDEO OF THE YEAR
- Blake Shelton featuring Pistol Annies and Friends “Boys ’Round Here”
- Florida Georgia Line featuring Luke Bryan “This Is How We Roll”
- Florida Georgia Line featuring Nelly “Cruise (Remix)”
- Hunter Hayes featuring Jason Mraz “Everybody’s Got Somebody but Me”
- Keith Urban with Miranda Lambert “We Were Us”
- Tim McGraw with Taylor Swift and Keith Urban “Highway Don’t Care”
CMT PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR
- Dierks Bentley and OneRepublic “Counting Stars”
- Jake Owen “Days Of Gold”
- Lady Antebellum and Stevie Nicks “Rhiannon”
- Luke Bryan and Lionel Richie “Oh No/All Night Long”
- The Band Perry and Fall Out Boy “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark”
- Willie Nelson and Neil Young “Long May You Run”