Woman Becomes Militant Lesbian After Hearing Little Big Town’s “Girl Crush”

“I used to be your average suburban mom of two. Trust me, I was very average,” says Susan Berkenstock of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. “Now I have spiked hair, wear checkered shorts and deck shoes everyday, and all I want to do is go camping.”

What was the cause of Mrs. Berkenstock’s lifestyle transformation? She claims it all happened while listening to the current country music hit from Little Big Town called “Girl Crush.” The song, which is supposed to portray the jealousy an ex girlfriend feels for her man’s new lover, has been characterized as “promoting a lesbian agenda” by some, though Little Big Town insists that’s not the case at all. Still, the story of Susan Berkenstock, who has since left her husband and kids, met a new girlfriend at a Unitarian church’s women’s volleyball tournament, and quit her job as a schoolteacher to become a correctional officer at the nearby penitentiary says “Girl Crush” is to blame.

“I had just dropped my kids off at the middle school when I heard the song on the Bobby Bones Show,” Berkenstock explains. “When the girl was singing about ‘I want to taste her lips,’ I don’t know, I just envisioned myself kissing a woman, and next thing I knew this rush of repressed desires and emotions came bubbling up inside of me, and all of a sudden I wanted to have sex with a woman and invest in timeshare property.”

But the lifestyle transformation did not just affect Mrs. Berkenstock’s behavior. Some claim her views on lesbian culture are “militant”— a claim she vehemently denies.

“It’s a horrible and hurtful stereotype to us lesbians to think that we all hate men. I don’t hate men per se, I just think they should all be systematically castrated and their reproductive organs harvested for artificial insemination purposes. Let’s face it, men are natural predators who start all the wars, and are the biggest perpetrators of discrimination and violence. And yes, I do think we should we should preach the virtues of the lesbian lifestyle to all of our girls and young women because they will live fuller, richer lifestyles as aggressive and empowered lesbians. But hate all men? Hardly.”

Though Susan Berkenstock says she no longer has any male friends and doesn’t listen to music performed by male artists, she says she still has a place in her heart for the two male members of the Little Big Town quartet, and one other male country star.

“Tim McGraw. He’s the only male music artist I still listen to. With his support of the Sandy Hook Promise gun control organization, hopefully we will finally have the funds to outlaw gun ownership in America and confiscate all of these evil weapons of murder from male predators. Besides, this must happen for the government to be able to implement forced castrations of all males down the road. Tim McGraw has the body of an aged lesbian bodybuilder these days anyway.”

Mrs. Berkenstock says she can’t wait for Little Big Town to perform “Girl Crush” with Faith Hill at the upcoming Billboard Music Awards. “That’s the perfect opportunity to spread the lesbian agenda to the masses, and hopefully it will be a big step in the dream to achieve world lesbian domination.”

Incidentally, another Little Big Town song called “Pontoon” is reportedly to blame for another act some are claiming to be subversive: the launching on the new CMT game show show called Pontoon Payday premiering on May 14th.

The Women’s Unitarian Volleyball League of Oshkosh could not be reached for comment.

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