Brian Kelley of Florida Georgia Line’s “Kiss My Boots” to Tyler Hubbard (A Rant)

photo: Ben Christensen

WARNING: Language

Imagine being the untalented one in country music’s most notoriously untalented and historically terrible duo Florida Georgia Line. FGL was literally patient zero for the horrible scourge of Bro-Country that ravaged country music for over a decade. What a legacy to live down. These dudes were lucky to last a dozen years before the public told them to get fucked and they imploded in a blaze of bad white boy raps, rehashed 808 beats, and faded designer denim.

Florida’s Brian Kelley should be glad he’s not cleaning bidets at Mar-a-Lago for a living. He hung on to the nut sack of Tyler Hubbard to stardom, standing there making millions as his entirely disposable harmony vocals were run through an Auto-Tuner before being buried imperceptibly in the mix. Brian Kelley was a prop so the outfit could qualify for “Duo of the Year” trophies and because Tyler Hubbard looked like he was still eating glue in the 8th grade.

Now Brian Kelley has a new song out called “Kiss My Boots,” and apparently it’s a send off to his former bandmate. Gone are they days when these two were rubbing their taints together, and writing terrible tractor rap songs with seven other assholes that would get stuck at the top of the country charts for 17 weeks. These dudes are the reason people now think it’s okay to call Beyonce “country.”

Kiss his boots? Instead, Brian Kelley sticks his foot in his mouth. He’s supposed to be calling out Tyler Hubbard, but instead Kelley enacts a spectacular self-own from how shitty this song is. Don’t get me wrong, I do find a little sadistic pleasure in Beavis and Butt-Head bloodying each other up in a public manner. It’s not like Tyler Hubbard is worth defending. But this dog don’t hunt. It takes a big dump on the kitchen floor, and lays there licking itself while you have to clean it up.

“It was healing to write. I feel released now. Everyone processes things differently. I went inward,” Brian Kelley says about “Kiss My Boots,” as if it’s all erudite and heady or something. In reality it’s a terrible and dated Bro-Country song with hackneyed beats and list-tastic lyrics that adds vengefulness to its list of sins.

“Want the world to know that you did me wrong,” Kelley sings. “I don’t know how you act sweet, after how you did me. Here’s a middle finger to you through a song.”

Oh get the hell over it you big baby. You’re acting worse than if you got your heart broken by a woman. So Tyler Hubbard was talking shit about you behind your back? Millions of Americans were screaming obscenities at their radios every time Florida Georgia Line came on as you became the laughing stock of American entertainment.

Brian Kelley, take your damn millions, and enjoy the rest of your life playing the county fair circuit like a man. Because if you think this Bro-Country mess is due for a resurgence in 2024, I’ve got some Sam Hunt stock to sell you.

And what’s up with this completely meaningless chorus? “I’m crankin’ Hank, drinkin’ Jack. I’m crankin’ Hank, drinkin’ Jack,” Kelley belches out. Just like at the height of Florida Georgia Line, Brian Kelley is out here spewing inane country buzzwords over electronic hip-hop beats without any rhyme or reason and thinking this will fly. What the fuck does Brian Kelley know about Hank except for bastardizing a legacy and bloodline that has allowed idiots like himself to get filthy rich?

Florida Georgia Line imploded because Tyler Hubbard completely gave into the conformist attitude about COVID and political correctness, while Brian Kelley fell for every single conspiratorial canard being shared on fringe cable news, causing irreparable friction between the two. They truly are the Tweedledee and Tweedledum of the political binary, illustrating bumbling Americans succumbing to propaganda. They deserve each other.

The only good thing about “Kiss My Boots” is that it hopefully dooms any and all prospects for a Florida Georgia Line reunion tour in the future, while hopefully the Country Music Hall of Fame refuses these Bro-Country acts from consideration like baseball’s steroid era. The last thing anyone should ever have to endure is recalling the embarrassment of Bro-Country.

Go get bent, BK.

Two Guns Down (1/10)

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