The only thing perfect about this song is the title, “Last Day Alive.” Because pairing these two titular duos of our time together falls only inches short of looking up in the beautiful American sky one bright morning only to see an unholy, vicious crag form for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to come trundling through to usher in the absolute annihilation of every piece of living matter on the planet via the waves of pestilence which are the voices of Florida Georgia Line so mercilessly Auto-tuned to a crisp, and the fuckstick wastes of oxygen that are the Chainsmokers standing behind a podium pushing buttons on computers under the artifice of making “music” like Lucifer’s angels architecting of the final eradication of all mankind.
Tyler Hubbard of Florida Georgia Line recently called this collaboration “a God thing.” I think a Satan thing is perhaps more appropriate. This Apocalyptic pairing for “Last Day Alive” inspires such an apoplectic response, you go from fearing your own death while in its audience, to praying for death to alleviate the suffering it bestows.
See, this is why the sheer existence of a diabolically bad act like Florida Georgia Line is so troublesome to the country genre. It’s not just about their own terrible music. Florida Georgia Line is so bad, they have now become one of the universally-recognized worst acts of our entire generation. They’re an American embarrassment. And through that awfulness, they have created a conduit into the country space for the other apex worst music acts of this era to come in an exploit country’s open door and gullible fans.
As a country fan, sure, you’ve probably heard of The Chainsmokers just because their name has become so effusive lately. But as long as you don’t turn on KISS-FM, you can remain perfectly ignorant to the godawful nature of their music. Though now, here it is in your face.
The same is true with the washed up rapper Nelly when he collaborated on the remix of Florida Georgia Line’s “Cruise” and started showing up to country events. Now Nelly’s out there touring as an opening act for Florida Georgia Line. You want to talk about embarrassment? Try being a has-been hip-hop artist that has fallen on such hard times you have to latch onto one of the most lily white and universally-disregarded acts in history just to stay relevant.
And let’s not forget the Backstreet Boys, who rely sheerly on the nostalgia factor from Gen X housewives to get by these days, and all of a sudden they’re on country radio via Florida Georgia Line’s latest single “God, Your Mama, and Me,” and are being invited to country music’s ACM Awards to perform, thanks to the auspices of Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley. This in turn allows starry-eyed interloping “country” fans who profess never liking country until they heard Florida Georgia Line to start preaching at you, the actual country music fan, about what an asshole you are because you don’t understand how country music must “evolve.”
At one point Florida Georgia Line was making motions like they understood their ultimate fate would be as a laughing stock of music history similar to Nickelback (of which they share the same producer in Joey Moi), and tried to release more meaningful songs to hopefully save themselves from that inevitability. But now they’re embracing their ultimate destiny it seems, doubling down on their bad decisions, dubious collaborations, and damning output. Sure, they’ll fly up to New York to spend 10 minutes singing into the Chainsmokers’ MacBook. Might as well burn the candle at both ends while you still have some wick left, I suppose. Or live like it’s your “Last Day Alive.”
And what an appropriate theme for Florida Georgia Line this is, because it’s very much feels like their days are numbered. The CMA Awards, and now the ACM Awards rebuking Florida Georgia Line for Vocal Duo of the Year in the last year, and instead going with the much more affable, yet commercially-underperforming Brothers Osborne, proves that the industry is through with Florida Georgia Line’s bullshit. The duo’s sales are lagging compared to earlier in their career, and their name is mud to anyone outside the very narrowcasted realm of corporate country radio listeners. No wonder they’re leaning on others for attention, and singing about the “Last Day Alive.”
Florida Georgia Line collaborating with The Chainsmokers isn’t just an attempt to find a new reprehensible low in the entirety of modern popular music, it is the last dying gasp from one of country music’s most unfortunate and embarrassing fascinations gone awry. May Florida Georgia Line’s impending demise put us all out of our misery.