Florida Georgia Line’s “New Truck” is The Worst Song Ever

Yes, the worst “song” ever. Full stop. It’s the musical equivalent of storming the barricades of The Grand Ole Opry, smashing through its ornate windows, barreling over it’s greeters and ushers, running willy-nilly through its hallowed halls and chambers, putting your feet up on Roy Acuff’s desk, pilfering the lectern of the great Eddie Stubbs, and standing inside the sacred circle at center stage itself, and declaring the tweedledum and tweedledee of Florida Georgia Line the next Grand Ole Opry members. It’s an insurrection, an impeachable offense, a high crime and misdemeanor, and should be permanently banned from the public consciousness post haste, lest it incite further violence upon the sanctified institutions of society.

You can palpably feel the IQ points fleeing your gray matter while in audience with this audio monstrosity. It is not scientifically possible to engineer a conflagration of audio signals that is more indolent, and damaging to the psyche and intellect than this abomination. You would swear it’s parody if you didn’t know any better. Free of hyperbole, one can legitimately argue there are songs that are carefully orchestrated and creatively composed by intelligent minds to mock modern pop country that don’t mock and illustrate pop country’s inequities as much as “New Truck” does entirely by accident.

It’s almost as if the conspirators behind “New Truck” sought to make the mother of all insults to anyone and everyone holding even a modicum of taste and conscience when it comes to music listening, and to spite those that admonish the shallowness and frequency of stupid country truck songs by making one so diabolical, it would result in lasting neurological trauma in the target audience by inspiring recurring episodes of catastrophic emotional distress every time the mere memory of this song was fleetingly accessed.

But “New Truck” goes well beyond simply being banal and insipid to an agonizing and unconscionable degree that one can only fairly label as cruel and unusual. It’s the rabid and naked obsequiousness to materialism and objectification that makes it so damaging and perilous in the hands of the pliable country music fan. Blake Shelton caught hell for singing how if he had love, he could get by on minimum wage in a song he hasn’t even released yet. Here the Beavis and Butthead of country music are tractor rapping about buying a new $80,000 truck at a time when many of their fans are chronically and tragically unemployed.

“New Truck” is so bad, you almost have to marvel at it’s endurance and capability to best all competition from the entirety of popular music, including previous and valiant champions drafted from the Florida Georgia Line catalog that we previously believed could never be bested on the field of battle. You almost want to slow clap after the conclusion of this song, stricken with awe by how “New Truck” somehow finds previously-uncharted depths of creative depravity to utterly define a new geological low in American popular culture in all of its most dubious incarnations.

This song is such an insult, they might as well have saved the production time, and simply recorded a short, audio missive telling us all to go fuck our mothers. Instead, they figured out how to fill 2 minutes and 22 seconds with the most vapid and repetitive mush-mouthed culturally-appropriating white boy pseudo rapping dreck punctuated by outright objectophilia that would not even be fit for wiping your dog’s diarrhea’d rear end with.

If you love your new truck so much Florida Georgia Line, why don’t you marry it?

The Elon Musk line is a little funny, though.

-0.5/10

The Antidote:

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