As the night proceeds we will leave our ACM observations from the broadcast in a timeline below, so get you refresh finger stretched and ready to go. You are strongly encouraged to participate by leaving your observations in the comments section below. Feel free to watch along, or if you can’t stand the awards, then turn on some real country music and follow the awards vicariously through us! This is an exercise for old souls to find solace in humor from the ridiculousness that is a country music awards show.
The blog will proceed in Central time. The ACM’s start at 8 PM Est., 7 Cen., and will be delay broadcast at 8 PM Pacific. The ACM’s are being broadcast on CBS.
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10:20 – So it’s just the ACM Awards folks! They will always be the stepchild to the more-important and generally more-fair CMA’s, and some of the production value tonight proved why the CMA’s are the ACM’s senior. Multiple vocal performances came across as weak because of simple technical issues–buried vocals, misfires in the production room, and some off-key stuff from folks who are usually nails. There was an alarming number of performances from outside the genre, and that doesn’t include the two country rap songs. The mono-genre is here folks, and if you needed any more validation, tonight was living proof. After a year off after Jason Aldean’s “Dirt Road Anthem,” country rap is on its way to becoming the most dominant influence in country music. And the fact that Blake Shelton got two full performances, both with genre-bending songs and this inspiring crop of country women who are doing everything they can to save the genre got the complete snub only makes the task of trying to right the country music ship that much more difficult.
I may have a more in-depth analysis of Luke Bryan’s Entertainer of the Year win, but it truly is an alarming development. I didn’t think he had a prayer, and now yet another two-bit, shallow country male performer has received a big boost of legitimacy.
10:07 – Composing some final thoughts and then we’ll wrap it up.
10:04 – And they have Stevie Wonder, STEVIE WONDER end the night. Man, this night turned from laughable to downright seditious. We gotta lot of work to do people!
9:59 – Ladies and gentlemen, this is horrible. This was the WORST person that could have won Entertainer of the Year. I didn’t think Luke Bryan had a chance. This is a terrible, alarming development.
9:57 – Luke Bryan wins the ACM for Entertainer of the Year.
9:57 – You’re FUCKING kidding me.
9:56 – Shania Twin has been dick teasing the industry about a comeback now for 10 years.
9:54 – Thought both Garth and George Strait did a great job on the Dick Clark tribute.
9:53 – Entertainer of the Year coming up. Remember, it is fan voted. If you’re wondering how successful that approach usually is, just look at Washington.
9:51 – Taylor Swift loses me more and more with every awkward shot of her in the crowd trying to look authentic.
9:49 – No beef with Stevie Wonder. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a music legend. But I have no idea why in the world this performance would be happening right now.
9:47 – Hunter Hayes is the Justin Bieber of country–a medical marvel defying all odds by inexplicably staving off puberty indefinitely.
9:43 – The ACM for Female Vocalist of the Year is Miranda Lambert.
9:32 – Can’t stress enough how significant this event is. It was thought for years that George Strait would not perform with Garth because of a behind-the-scenes feud, and Strait did not want to give Garth any country legitimacy by performing with him. This might be part of the continued rehabilitation of Garth Brooks’ legacy.
9:31 – The official country music douche Jason Aldean wins he ACM for “Male Vocalist of the Year.”
9:30 – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:24 – Jewell, Kelly Clarkson, Johny Mayer, hell Blake Shelton’s and Jason Aldean’s rap songs, yet Kacey Musgraves and Ashley Monroe, who are in the building, get the snub.
9:20 – There’s nothing country about Kelley Clarkson, or this song. Nothing. At all. She’s a great singer, but about as appropriate here as LL Cool J and John Mayer.
9:19 – Funny observation from Rawhide & Velvet: “That wasn’t so bad. I can smell Luke’s yeast infection caused by those jeggings from here, but he didn’t shake any country squirrels.”
9:13 – Okay, so apparently the audio weirdness we heard earlier (see 9:08) was a bumper music misfire.
9:11 – I’m sorry folks, clearly I have horrifically failed in the quest to Save Country Music.
9:08 – Okay, I just heard something. Sounded like a pre-recorded track going off on a misfire. That will be worth investigating more in-depth later.
9:07 – What was more awkward backstage– Taylor Swift and John Mayer meeting, or Miranda Lambert walking in on Luke Bryan in the girls restroom?
9:06 – As you’re watching this, appreciate that somewhere, Shooter Jennings is really, REALLY pissed off about John Mayer’s hair. (for what reason, we don’t know)
9:05 – Once again, Brad Paisley’s lead vocals are completely washed out.
9:05 – The only two John Mayer country music tie-in’s I can find are him banging a 19-year-old Taylor Swift, and inexplicably making Shooter Jennings so extremely mad for cutting his hair, Shooter found it necessary to come out publicly against it.
9:02 – Only on the ACM’s can you cut to LL Cool J and get more country.
8:59 – Taylor Swift’s gesticulations are almost as big of an ass whip as Tim McGraw’s vocals. Can’t remember an awards show with this many bad vocal performances. Taylor is actually remarkably not horrible. All night, the lead vocals have felt washed out.
8:49 – The ACM Single Record of the Year is “Over You” by Miranda Lambert.
8:49 – Wow, I’m pretty sure this chick presenting the Single of the Year very well might be Satan.
8:50 – Even Garth Brooks right now is going, “Okay, that’s taking it too far.”
8:45 – What kind of weird-ass avante garde suspended dry humping Cirque De Solei air sex Peter Pan Mickey Mouse Donald Duck bullshit are my eye sockets being raped with here?
8:40 – So the only face time Kacey Musgraves gets is presenting an award? Bullsh.
8:38 – The ACM Song of the Year goes to “Over You” by Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton’s personal baggage aside, this is a good, inspired song that probably deserves the award more than the others.
8:35 – These ultra-attitude songs from country’s women like “Mamma’s Broken Heart” are almost just as bad as then men’s laundry list songs. Well written, but the bravado is more indicative of rock than country. Where is the subtly and humility? “Over You” is a much better song.
8:28 – The ACM for Vocal Group of the Year goes to Little Big Town, buffered by their bullshit song about “motorboatin'”
8:23 – Jason Aldean’s “1994” is the worst song in the history of country music. Period.
8:22 – Listen to me folks, Florida Georgia line is gonna get HUGE!
8:21 – The ACM New Artist of the Year is Florida-Georgia Line.
8:15 – For those curious, here’s the back story on why there’s bad blood between Eric Church and Miranda Lambert, resulting in Miranda’s haughty delivery when announcing Eric winning Album of the Year: http://www.theboot.com/2012/04/30/eric-church-rolling-stone-interview-blake-shelton-miranda-lambert/
8:12 – WOW! WAY too much time spent on bullshit choreograph resulting in breathy, out-of-tune vocals. The Band Perry deliver the worst performance of the night so far. Eat your heart out Taylor Swift.
8:10 – Awful, AWFUL vocals from The Band Perry and her little hobbit-haired brothers.
8:07 – Blake Shelton looks like a hemorrhoid suffer squeezing out a two flusher. Jesus.
8:06 – Okay, so why in the HELL does Blake “The Decider” Shelton get two performances on this dumb thing? Are you serious? And we’re not even half way through.
8:05 – WOW! Did we all hear the chocked back anger from Miranda Lambert having to give Eric Church that award? Remember the two have a history, when Eric called out artists with backgrounds in reality shows.
8:04 – The ACM Album of the Year goes to Eric Church’s “Chief.”
8:03 – Apparently John Fogerty could only attend the ACM’s if he wore a shock collar.
8:01 – First solid vocal performance of the night goes to Carrie Underwood. Think what you want, girl can sing.
8:00 – Seeing NO confirmation that girl performing with Eric Church was up-and-coming female country crooner Valerie June.
7:57 – Random Factoid: Kim Jung Un has been using Carrie Underwood’s light up dress from the Grammys to enrich enough uranium to nuke Guam.
7:52 – 34 seconds of Brantley Gilbert is still too much.
7:50 – This is how seriously Brantley Gilbert takes himself:
7:48 – The ACM Award for “Best Vocal Duo” goes to Thompson Square.
7:47 – Getting to our first actual award 48 minutes in.
7:45 – Ha! Farce the Music on Twitter: “This is a dopey Target commercial.”
7:43 – If country music was a color, the first three colors I would eliminate from the running are the one’s comprising this Lady Antebellum background.
7:40 – Two most country things so far tonight 1) George Strait 2) Dierks Bentley’s Waylon shirt.
7:38 – Thank God for little blessings, like the country music powers-that-be only giving Florida-Georgia line 45 seconds to perform.
7:37 – May be experiencing some intermittent server overload folks, stick with us!
7:35 – Takes a lot of rocks to do what Eric Church is doing. Gotta respect him for that, but this song does nothing for me.
7:27 – The vocals or the vocal sounds so far have been off, esp. in the opening number, and there with George Strait.
7:24 – Who let this old fart with a cowboy hat on stage!?!? SECURITY !!!
7:21 – Hunter Hayes: has about as many licks on the guitar as it takes for a cat to lick the peach fuzz off of his supple cheeks.
7:19 – Blake Shelton: “Are y’all ready for some good country music !?!?” Yes, but I fear I won’t get to hear any until this broadcast is over.
7:17 – So The Entertainer of the Year is fan voted, so isn’t it a foregone conclusion Taylor Swift will win?
7:12 – A pirate song from Kenny Chesney seems appropriate. Someone swashbuckled his dignity and relevancy back in 2009. The beach bit was bled out years ago.
7:10 – And yes, the opening of a major country music awards show with a rap is a massive commiseration point on the country music historical timeline.
7:06 – I wonder if Sheryl Crow got her flared nostrils, 6 pack, and Adam’s apple from inadvertently handling Lance Armstrong’s horse pills.
7:05 – Sheryl Crow is the Sheryl Crow of Sheryl Crowing music to death.
7:04 – The Pistol Annies are more man than Luke Bryan will ever be.
7:02 – Shouldn’t Luke Bryan be in Cancun, wearing pastel pants and an Affliction T-shirt and trying to bang sophomores in his Mini Cooper?
6:58 — Another award has been giving out pre-telecast. Jason Aldean, Eric Church, and Luke Bryan win “Vocal Event of the Year” for the song “The Only Way I Know.”
6:55 — So a few things we already know going into the night: It is being hosted by “the Decider” Blake Shelton and Luke Bryan. The show will start off with a rendition of the Blake Shelton “Boys ‘Round Here” country-rap monstrosity with appearances by Sheryl Crow, The Pistol Annies, and Brad Paisley. There’s going to be a Dick Clark tribute partnering George Strait and Garth Brooks together for the first time. And along with all the usual pop country suspects making performances, John Mayer and Stevie Wonder are slated to perform.
6:50 — A few non-televised ACM awards have already been given out for folks that care about that kind of stuff.
–Lady Antebellum received the “Jim Reeves International Award,” which is presented to an artist for outstanding contributions to the acceptance of country music throughout the world (whatever that means).
–Jason Aldean received the “Crystal Milestone Award,” which is given to an artist or industry leader to commemorate a specific, remarkable achievement, in this case for Aldean achieving stadium headliner status.
–Blake Shelton was given the “Gene Weed Special Achievement Award,” which acknowledges unprecedented, unique and outstanding individual achievement in country music, primarily for his work on the reality show “The Voice.”
–And The Judds and Keith Whitley were awarded the “Cliffie Stone Pioneer Award,” honoring individuals who are pioneers in the country music genre.