Disney Is Getting Into the Country Radio Business

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In the continued bastardization and exploitation of the term “country music,” the second-largest media conglomerate in the world, The Disney Corporation, has announced they’re getting into the country radio business to brainwash your children and tweens into believing Kelsea Ballerini has anything remotely to do with “country,” and ensure that future generations of über-consumers will be there to lap up corporate country’s benign and vacuous audio algorithms to prop up a crumbling industry bankrupt of ideas.

As you can tell, Saving Country Music is thrilled about this announcement. This is like putting an eye dropper’s worth of audio stupidity in every baby bottle across America.

Radio Disney Country will run 24/7 and feature “chart-bound young artists and today’s biggest country hits including Florida Georgia Line, Hunter Hayes, Maddie & Tae, The Band Perry, Kelsea Ballerini, Thomas Rhett and RaeLynn,” a press release said. But don’t worry, your Disney-listening sons and daughters are too young to understand that lines from Florida Georgia Line like “stick the pink umbrella in your drink” are actually about a man sticking his penis into a woman’s vagina. I can’t wait to explain to my little niece what Thomas Rhett “wants” to do to the girl in his song “Make Me Wanna.”

“As a trusted name in family entertainment (ha ha!), Radio Disney is delighted to introduce a new music outlet dedicated to country music and expand upon the engaging content we successfully deliver through Radio Disney’s multi-platform network,” the Vice President, Programming and General Manager of Radio Disney Phil Guerini said as his eyes glazed over in dollar signs.

The aforementioned Kelsea Ballerini is considered to be one of the biggest beneficiaries of the move since she’s already being featured on Disney’s current children’s radio network. “It’s so cool to get a new generation and a new group of ears on my music,” Ballerini said, since you’d have to be prepubescent and high on pixie sticks to ever enjoy her music.

Screw this idea, and everyone involved with it. In the immortal words of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: “What is this Mickey Mouse shit?”

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