Apr
25

Luke Bryan’s Tailgates & Tanlines (Review & Roast)

April 25, 2012 - By Trigger  //  Reviews  //  44 Comments

Did you ever wonder what it would sound like if a performing artist with absolutely no qualms or reservations spread their arms wide in a succumbing posture and completely forfeited their Will to a record label saying, “Okay Music Row, do your worst! I’ll do anything. Mold me, shape me, I’m your monkey. Make me a star! “? We’ll that is exactly what you get with Luke Bryan and his gawd awful album Tailgates and Tanlines.

I will stop short of saying this is the worst country music album of all time. I still reserve that dubious distinction for Justin Moore’s Outlaws Like Me, but Tailgates and Tanlines starts off with possibly the worst song in the annals of country music in the booty anthem “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)”. Positively nothing more than a pop dance song with a banjo, Luke Bryan commands country girls to “shake it” for the birds, the bees, for the crickets and the critters and the catfish swimming down deep in the creek, for the gerbils crawling way up his rectum to massage his prostate… oh wait, he left that line out, but you get the point. This song is like a frozen sledge hammer to the balls of anybody who has any sort of musical taste or dignity.

The most current single from the album “Drunk On You” is an anthem for culturally-repressed suburban boys to vomit into the floorboards of their Scions to. It starts off like an Enya sleep induction CD, and then launches into lyrics like:“Girl you make my speakers go “boom boom’…that kinda thing makes a man go ‘uh hoom.’” I have it on good authority that Luke Bryan co-wrote this song with the gay teletubby in a BMI cubicle on Music Row before heading down to the local high school to hand out free prophylactics. I know, weird story, but 100% true.

That leads into “Too Damn Young” about awkward adolescent sex. She was young. He was dumb. It was summer. Fill in the blank. I can’t wait for the follow up to this song on his next album, “I’m Only 17 But The State Is Already Garnishing My Dairy Queen Wages for Back Child Support”; purportedly it’s a duet with Lionel Ritchie.

Next up is “I Don’t Want This Night To End”, and yet again we have a song about a girl, and booze, and dancing to the radio and getting it on. This whole album is a country cliche to begin with, but in a brilliant stroke of idiocracy, it has the profound gymnastic ability to create it’s own universe of cliches and worn out themes by only the 5th track.

Inexplicably, “You Don’t Know Jack” is about Jack Daniels. I mean, like we couldn’t see that coming. A song about Jack Daniels that has “Jack” in the title? How fucking clever. You know, I could have never guessed without even listening to this dumbass album that a song called “You Don’t Know Jack” would be about Jack fucking Daniels. Splendid Luke! How original!

What else do we have on this stupid album. Oh! “I Know You’re Gonna Be There” is an absolute riot, a jilted doucher instruction manual of how to make your stupid ex-girlfriend jealous by feigning interest in another woman. “Muckalee Creek Water” is the ultra-charged laundry list song of the album that talks about Luke Bryan hiding moonshine bottles in cypress stumps, when we all know damn well this V-neck-wearing priss would eek at the sight of a dead cricket in his record label’s accounting office.

“Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye” is actually not a bad song, but of course that means radio won’t touch it, and my Auto-tune radar was going wild in the way the tone changes have such sharp edges.

The thing is with Luke Bryan and a lot of these manufactured pop stars, they did not get here by complete accident. Many of them had to work hard at some point, and at least had to have moderate talents to get them to this level. Luke Bryan is not a bad singer, and has a unique enough voice to do something good with. But instead he chose to use it for the forces of evil, shlogging out pop country fop instead of something with substance and heart.

Listen Luke, seriously. Man to metrosexual country douche. Don’t let Music Row make you into their musical monkey. You’re better than this man. Going platinum with an album like Tailgates & Tanlines isn’t success, it is a colossal failure of your human spirit, and the more the album succeeds, the more you’ve failed. You’re not an artist right now, you’re an automaton. Break out man, be yourself, show some self respect, dig down deep and find what you have to say and say it.

And even if that means you lose all your shiny expensive things and you have to go back to working some shitty job, if someday your in some lonely coffee shop singing your own songs, ones you wrote from the heart, and you have one moment that touches one other person, one soul, and it makes one bit of difference in that person’s life, that will be worth way more than all the riches this album has brought you. Trust me.

Two guns down on Tailgates and Tanlines.

44 Comments to “Luke Bryan’s Tailgates & Tanlines (Review & Roast)”

  • “Man to metrosexual country douche”–hilarious!

    every time i think pop/radio country can’t sink any lower; i see something like luke bryan’s performance at the acm’s

       5 likes

  • I agree with this review fully. This album is so awful. I truly think that Luke could make great music if he tried. Like you said, he has a distinct voice that could go well with good lyrics and music. He’s my number 3, behind only none other than badass BG and Justin Moore, for the douchiest person in country.

       2 likes

  • It makes me so sad to know that both my mom and little sister are in love with this douche…and Jason Aldean. I know they’re family and I shouldn’t smack them in the face, but its hard not to.

       7 likes

    • My 7 year-old son likes Blake Shelton. He lives with his mom now.

         27 likes

  • Loved your last paragraph Trig.

       3 likes

  • Really sad to see what Luke has become, I loved his “All My Friends Say” from his first(?) album. Great song, but what the heck happened??

       4 likes

    • $$$

         3 likes

      • What would you say if someone made a couple pop country albums like this to make a couple of million for the family land then went back to their roots? I’m not sure what my position would be? Mans gotta eat

           0 likes

        • Luke Bryan was a very successful artist with hit CD’s, radio play, and big tours before this album. But that wasn’t enough for him, he wanted to get into that top tier of earners in country, and he was willing to do whatever that took. As has been pointed out in this comment thread, he used to not be this bad. He had and has plenty of money to set up his family for life. But the problem with money is you can always have more of it.

             4 likes

          • Also, he now works for a company. He has a boss. He doesn’t have final say over his own music anymore. Bosses sometimes suck like that. It’s a job.

               0 likes

          • I kinda wonder if he really does have money, at least, his OWN money. No doubt his image holds earning power. Perhaps he’s being plied with spending cash and “free” stuff while being told “the real money will come when you jump through a few more hoops”. That’s a lot different than taking money to “set up the family” or something. I can’t know but I’m sure it happens.

               0 likes

  • “Drip of honey on the money maker gotta bee…”

    That line fom “Drunk On You” pretty much sums up the entire existence of this meathead and his shlocky, fake-sentimental, torture-country bullshit. Not that I have strong feelings about that d-bag one way or the other!

       2 likes

  • This CD is number one on the checklist of every Polo wearing frat boy date rapist in the SEC. I’ve been waiting for Trig to rip this album for a while. Well done, man. Well done.

       11 likes

    • As a polo wearing, SEC school fraternity alumnus, I feel the need to defend myself, and the majority of the other Greek members that I know.

      I loathe 98% of the music that comes out of Nashville. I listen to a lot of Texas Country (Ryan Bingham, Robert Earl Keen, Bart Crow, Randy Rogers, Jason Boland, Aaron Watson, Reckless Kelly, Josh Abbott, Turnpike Troubadours, Cory Morrow, etc…), and am somewhat embarrassed when I tell people that I listen to country music. I always feel that I need to clarify that the music I listen to isn’t the country you hear on the radio, because of “artists” such as Luke Bryan. I am sure that Luke is a great guy, and I’m not saying that it wouldn’t be a tough decision if someone offered me the kind of money he is making, but I can’t stand the music.

      Thanks, and yall stay classy.

         0 likes

  • Wow, that was harsh. Keep up the good work!

       6 likes

  • Ouch, ooh, LOL!! Laughed so hard I cried.

    If I want to hear pop teenybopper songs I’ll find some Neil Sedaka or Ricky Nelson on youtube!

       1 likes

  • Well, I know Luke. He’s a friend. Crickets wouldn’t bother him. He’s talented. “We Rode In Trucks” was once a really good song when Luke did it stripped down. Then Nashville and producers and cash got involved, and the rest, as you point out here, is history. Shitty music doesn’t always equate bad people, but yeah, I liked him better before he got overproduced.

       3 likes

    • I’ll back you on this. “We Rode In Trucks” is one of two truck songs that evoke some serious memories for me. That song honestly takes me all the way back to a dusty old bus driven by a crazy old lady. My other favorite truck song is “Rusted Up Old Pickup Trucks” by Hellbound Glory. Even the mainstream country kids love that one.

         0 likes

    • The fact that we know Luke can be so much better is what makes this album so disheartening.

      I have no doubt that Luke is a good guy, and I always make sure to never cross the line on criticizing someone on a personal level. I’m not mad at Luke Bryan, I’m disappointed.

         4 likes

      • I do like You Don’t Know Jack, but yea you pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one. His first two records were waaaayyy better than this. I find it funny that the title of first record is “I’ll Stay Me” .

           2 likes

    • I don’t know Luke personally, I’ve seen him around town here a good bit, know what he does in his spare time, and know some of his family. Outside of all the tight jeans, V-neck shirts, poppy music, Nashville glitz and glamour, Luke is a genuine farm and country boy. It’s like night and day! That’s what’s so sad to me. Nashville gets a hold of this real down home Georgia farm boy with real talent and turns him into what you see on TV. If he were to say “I’ll Stay Me” (pun intended), be himself, and not let the record company dictate his music, you’d have a genuine country artist with genuine roots. As someone who used to go see him before he “made it big,” I’m just very disappointed in the way his music had gone/is going.

         2 likes

  • “This song is like a frozen sledge hammer to the balls of anybody who has any sort of musical taste or dignity.”

    Poetic.

       4 likes

  • There’s a demo version of “Too Damn Young” sung by Jamey Johnson, floating around the internet. I’ve had it on CD for about 2 years, and When I read this article I was a bit disheartened to learn Luke Bryan was the 1st to put it to a studio album. While the lyrics aren’t anything special, and even a wee bit generic, Johnson’s vocals really sold it for me. Bryans rendition get a big ol’ “meh” from me.

       0 likes

    • Do you know where a guy could find Johnson’s version?

         1 likes

  • Luke Bryan? Isn’t he the one featured on a Celebrity Apprentice episode where Bret Michaels of Poison worked on his image? If so, I never paid attention to him before or after that episode. I wonder if the female artist on the competing team had won if her album review would be posted here? I doubt it, if she was a artist/performing artist/etc. It would have been the same old Trashville result.

       1 likes

  • “Nowadays, country music seems to have recently gotten outlaws again. Gotten outlaws in the same way that some people have gotten ants or bedbugs or cockroaches. We have a new infestation. To be sure, they’re small outlaws, but they are insistent that they are here.”

    http://www.cmt.com/news/nashville-skyline/1666703/nashville-skyline-so-is-justin-moore-really-an-outlaw-time-for-a-reality-check.jhtml?rsspartner=rssYahoo

       1 likes

  • Sometimes albums are just so unsparingly bad that there can hardly be any distinction as to which is worse. Justin Moore and Luke Bryan are an example of this. Great review. My hatred for Luke burns with the heat of a thousand hell fires. Which is a shame, because he actually has something of a unique country voice.

       2 likes

  • I think he’s currently the worse of the worse.To go along with what a few others said,I seen this clown in concert when he first came out at a country fest and he wasn’t half bad,even somewhat entertaining.I think “Rain Is Good Thing” was the start of the end.

       1 likes

  • Ya know Luke, I don’t think Hank done it this way.

       3 likes

  • A funny article but a bit like shooting fish in a barrel really!

       2 likes

  • One of my favorite quotes, and I can’t recall who said it comes to mind….. Just because you sell a lot of records, doesn’t make it any good. McDonalds sells a lot of hamburgers.

       3 likes

  • I think it speaks more of society, as a whole, that people even buy this kind of shit.

       3 likes

  • Sounds like more Soccer mom country thats what I call the tripe Nashvile spews out.

       0 likes

  • ok. the conscious seems to be this album is a load of crap and only a fool or little kid would buy it. thankfully, i’m neither. yeah, alright. most of the time.

       0 likes

  • The girls in the video must have been on loan from the area hooters restaurant. .

       0 likes

    • Come on now, hate on the song is one thing, but you can’t hate on the honeys

         0 likes

  • My son came home from his dad’s house singing this rot. Child abuse! I think that is grounds to have his custody totally relinquished…and grounds to have my head checked for procreating with someone who listens to this bullmess.

       0 likes

  • [...] via the mainstream media.  Basically, reality shows like My Big Redneck (insert whatever) and the terrible laundry list music created by the Brantley Gilbert’s of the world make money via the dumbing down of country [...]

       0 likes

  • Wow. that was fucking terrible. that was worse than that ‘mrs steven rudy’ song a few years ago. Interesting luke bryan story from a bartender friend of mine. Apparently he was in a bar on lower broad a few months back and was shocked when my friend charged him for his michelob ultra. the exchange was to the effect of
    “that’ll be 3.50″

    “you must be new here, I don’t usually have to pay for beers down here”

    “okay I’ll bite, why don’t you have to pay for beers”

    “I’m a country singer, my name is luke bryan”

    “oh, I though you said you were a country singer. That’ll be 3.50″

    a butthurt luke bryan paid for his beer and wandered off to hit on a different bartender.

       2 likes

    • LB doesn’t drink Michelob Ultra…

         1 likes

  • This blog post and whole string of comments soooo cracks me up. As a diehard “I’ll never, ever listen to ‘tears in the beer’ country and western crap” person content to instead listen to musical genres ranging from classical symphonies and broadway cast recordings to goth, rock and metal, I was truly puzzled when I found myself liking the music of Luke Bryan, and thought it might be Alzheimer’s setting in. I mean, seriously – I told my daughter hell must have frozen over, because I actually liked a country singer enough to buy and download several of his albums to my iPhone, and I have always disliked country as much as gangsta rap. But now, I am so relieved to hear from you yahoos that I am not doomed to the downward spiral of Merle whatshisname, Travis whoever – you know, the entire twangy troupe. Seeing that those that like what I’ve always intensely disliked hate this artist gives me faith that it’s not Alzheimer’s, after all, just a natural offshoot of liking fusional styles such as Celtic rock. Thank you, bumpkins all, for restoring my faith in my musical selections – your hate of it justifies my liking Luke Bryan’s music!

       0 likes

  • This guy just can’t sing! His voice is gawd awful!!!

       1 likes

  • Great article. Makes me wonder: Did Luke EVER have a soul, or did he sell?

    His voice is distinctive, though if you’ve ever heard him live – you know that there isn’t any big singing talent there. That ‘endearing’ gomer tone in his vocals is not new… or even unique.. but is distinctive among currently popular artists. Overall, I am not a fan of his singing and I am certain that is not what put him where his is…. So?

    Why is he so popular???? His songs are catchy, guilty pleasure, “McDonald Hamburger” tunes. Well, not his songs – he didn’t write, arrange, play, or really even sing (auto-tuned incessantly). Oh, and he looks good on camera.

    So, at the end of the day: I don’t listen to him because 1) his performances suck, 2) his songs on radio suck, 3) He makes me feel ugly

       0 likes

Leave a comment

Red Eye Gravy
MacMillan Guitars
Bobby Joe Owens
Old Soul Radio Show
Hillgrass Bluebilly
KOOK
Best Of Lists

Categories

Archives