Eric Church: Tilt At Windmills No More (A rant)

Eric ChurchThe sheer speed at which American pop country is devolving before our very eyes can only be described as “awesome.” It is the evolutionary equivalent of if we could witness a species of apes evolve into a new race of humans in the length of a football season. As the creatively bankrupt boardrooms of Music Row’s major labels refuse to face reality, their marketing schemes for new artists get more convoluted and sinister, yet still remain so woefully transparent it can only be taken as a backhanded insult to the country music consumer.

An expert example of this is the super-fecta of pop country specimens: one Eric Church. He has it all: Exemplary skills at rehashing formulaic pop country themes, lyrics, and sounds, a marvelous ability to sell himself as an “Outlaw” in the Josh Thompson/Gretchen Wilson fashion while playing Top 40 trash, and the undying support of one of the most evil labels on Music Row, Capitol Records Nashville.

But Eric takes it a step further. His particular Madison Avenue-style marketing scheme involves him being an “outcast,” not giving a damn what anybody thinks about him and doing it his own way. So in every interview he does, he’s swerving all over the place, bumping into people, trying to start fights and bitching about “critics” of his music. Problem is these critics existence is questionable at best, and nobody but his fans are buying his bad boy brand. Nonetheless he perseveres, tilting at windmills to preserve this overthought Outlaw image.

Well, being a very conscientious and proactive member of the country music community, I thought I would help Eric Church out. If he needs a critic to tussle with, I’d be happy to oblige.

Hello Eric Church, my name is The Triggerman and I’m from Dallas, TX. Prepare for me to take a big shit on you.
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In a nutshell, Eric Church is a talent-less asshole. I made ready a paper bag and a nose plug and investigated his music thoroughly, and it is the lowest of the low. I’d rather have an elephant take a dump on my face that to listen to his stuff. I’d rather listen to my parents fuck.

His song Love Your Love The Most is the epiphany of what trash pop country has always strived for: stupid “laundry list” lyrics, vocals that bottom out at the beginning of phrases ripping off Garth Brooks, and a lovey dovey fop theme that falls flatter than Rascal Flatts vocals without Auto-tune. This song is enough to drive a pacifist to kill baby animals with their bare hands. It isn’t just bad, it is a frikkin harbinger for the downfall of Western civilization. I’d rather be held down and force fed poo while my pubes are being pricked out one by one than to listen to this.

His worst transgression is the song “Lotta Boot Left to Fill.” This is one of these pop songs that trashes pop songs, talking out of both sides of the mouth. But again emphasizing Eric’s overachieving attitude, he once again breaks the glass ceiling for bad pop. In this song, he figures out how to shoehorn overtly ripping off Waylon’s “Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way,” George Jones’s “Who’s Gonna Fill Their Shoes?” and still leaves room to blasphemy Hank Williams, Johnny Cash, and Waylon Jennings. This is a feat of dexterity that would make a Cirque de Soleli contortionist look like a paraplegic. Even I have to admit this takes talent.

This song is such an abomination I am surprised the sheer mention of it doesn’t cause a rip in the country music space/time continuum.

Oh and Eric, Peter Frampton just called and said he wants his voice box back, and his silver-lined outer-space panties.

Is this really how Willie and Waylon done it? Eh, not so much.

And for all this talk from Eric about how he hates overpolished pop country, he has Keith Urban and Lady Antebellum in his top friends on his MySpace site, and once toured opening for Rascal Flatts.

He did eventually get kicked off the tour for playing “too loud,” and “too long” but for once I’m going to have to agree with my Rascal Flatts frosted hair friends. I’ve listened to Eric Church’s music, and it IS offensive at ANY volume, for ANY length of time.

And maybe he’d earn some points with me if he got kicked off for telling it like it is and trying to educate Rascal Flats fandom. But instead he was just being an asshole. Rascal Flats gave him a big opportunity, and he spit in their face. Hey Rascal Flatts are what they are, and they don’t pretend to be anything different. They’re not name dropping Waylon. Someone has to give teen girls something to sing into their shampoo bottles to. But Eric Church plays the “bad boy” while the only difference between Rascal Flats and him is their preferred brand of hair products.

Oh, and Eric was replaced by Taylor Swift on that tour; a move some say lent to Taylor’s meteoric rise. So we have that to thank this asshole for as well.

In closing Eric Church is the lowest form of a country music human being that can be found on the whole world planet. I want to apologize to Eric for not recognizing this before, and forcing him to fight with phantoms to protect his image. No more Eric, no more. Henceforth I’m right here for you brother.

Thank me later.


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