Hilarious Luke Bryan Revelations From Recent “New York Times” Feature

Photo: Jim Wright

Photo: Jim Wright

Bro-Country godfather Luke Bryan is getting ready to give birth to his latest recorded monstrosity called What Makes You Country in a day or two, and in a recent feature in New York Times Magazine aiming to prove to us all what a good ol’ average Joe country boy he is, some pretty mirthful revelations emerged.

Luke Bryan Likes His Arms to “Glisten” in Concert

Yes, we already knew that Luke loves to wear the tightest jeans on the planet, and that his teeth have been so mechanically bleached, they’re whiter than the wind-driven snow. But apparently Luke and his image consultations also prefer glistening arms when he takes the stage? Yes, I guess this is a thing.

His stylist, Cheryl, presents him with the evening’s outfit, almost always some variation on a solid-color V-neck, baseball cap and jeans. She rubs his arms with moisturizer until they glisten. Finally he throws on his cowboy boots, which he secures tightly to his ankles with tape. He needs the extra protection when, in his words, he’s “in the heat of the battle up there.”

Ah hahaha hah haha!

And Luke tapes his ankles to his boots? Like a defensive lineman for the Dallas Cowboys or something? The hell?

Luke Bryan Wants to Have Coffee with Sturgill Simpson

The New York Times’ Will Stephenson says,

I asked Bryan about Sturgill Simpson, who won this year’s Grammy for best country album (Bryan has never been nominated) and has been an outspoken opponent of the Nashville establishment. Did it frustrate him that critics often focused their attentions on artists whose fans actively dislike most contemporary country? Bryan shrugged. “I’ve wanted to go have coffee with Sturgill,” he said. “I am utterly amazed at what he does.”

Sturgill Simpson Does NOT Want to Have Coffee with Luke Bryan

The New York Times’ Will Stephenson says,

I asked Simpson to comment for this article, and he responded quickly by email: “I don’t know Luke, I don’t think about Luke, and I honestly never heard a single note of his music.”

lol. Burn.

They Don’t Want You To Think at a Luke Bryan Concert

Though it’s certainly a worthy concept that the human brain needs to unplug in moments, bragging about the lack of brain stimulus in one’s concert experience seems, I don’t know, a little Idiocracy-ish.

Luke Bryan songwriter Jeff Stevens says,

They’re just here for pure fun. I personally feel that purely fun music is cathartic. It’s like being a goddamn doctor. And it’s important. I’m not saying that it’s not important to have a message—a message is great. But people love to not think in today’s world.

Yeah, isn’t that kind of the problem, not enough thinkin’ going around? But If I found myself at a Luke Bryan concert, I probably wouldn’t want to think either.