Jul
31

If Pop Country Stars Had To Find Other Jobs

July 31, 2013 - By Trigger  //  Down with Pop Country  //  27 Comments

So many of pop country’s celebrities have such a vacuous amount of life skills, without being propped up as pretty faces by the country music industry, they’d be clueless in the real world. Others probably have some skills outside of singing into Auto-tuners at concerts, and that’s probably what they should be doing instead of trying to be artists.

Always wanting to be helpful here at Saving Country Music, we have compiled some ideas/suggestions of what some big pop country stars could do if they had to find other employment.


justin-moore

Star: Justin Moore

Profession: Jockey

Yes, because he’s barely tall enough to ride the Tilt-A-Whirl, and is no more than 95 pounds soaking wet. Gotta work what God gave you.

 

 

 

joe-diffie

Star: Joe Diffie

Profession: Mall Cop

“No Mr. Diffie, no need to cut the mullet or shave the mustache. You’ll fit right in here at The Shops at Westcreek.”

 

 

 

 

gary-levox

Star: Gary LeVox of Rascal Flatts

Profession: Gynecologist / Youth Minister / Celebrity Chef / Professional Karaoke Singer

I know, quite a breadth of professions. But with hair that great, the possibilities are endless!

 

brantley-gilbert

Star: Brantley Gilbert

Profession: MMA-World Ball Sack Sniffer

He can pump iron and down copious amounts of steroids, but doesn’t have the instincts or smarts to actually handle it mono e mono in the octagon. So he stands in a corner with a towel thrown over his shoulder, holding a water bottle, waiting to wipe up a nosebleed and maybe pick off a sloppy second groupie stumbling away from one of the contenders.

 

 

brian-kelley-florida-georgia-line

Star: Brain Kelley of Florida Georgia Line

Profession: Mannequin / Wallflower

Doesn’t really sing, doesn’t really play guitar. This dude does less than Congress.

 

 

 

 

colt-ford

Star: Colt Ford

Profession: Grimmace at McDonaldland / Transvestite Truck Driver

I don’t know what mental image is more disturbing: Colt Ford cooped up in a big purple suit (just imagine the butt sweat), or his rippling thighs confined by fishnets, with a dash of eau de toilette perfuming his pasty inner thighs. (Worth noting he tried his hand at professional golf for a while.)

 

 

luke-bryan

Star: Luke Bryan

Profession: Male Stripper

You may want to check the ID’s on some of those girls, Luke.

 

 

gretchen-wilson

Star: Gretchen Wilson

Profession: Leg Breaker / Diesel Mechanic

She can beat you at arm wrestling, or strip down an engine and machine your headers all before lunch.

 

 

 

dave-haywood-lady-antebellum

Star: Dave Haywood of Lady Antebellum

Profession: Non-threatening male elementary school teacher / puppeteer

Has there ever been a more emasculated star in the history of country music?

 

 

 

 

 

jason-aldean-baseballStar: Jason Aldean

Profession: Roided-out, AA-level, baseball wash out

Aldean actually almost went to college on a baseball scholarship and had some moderate skills in that direction. Our ears could’ve only been so lucky….

 

 

 

kenney-chesney

Star: Kenney Chesney

Profession: Sandals / flowery shorts model

Oh great, yet another damn song about hanging out on the beach. And what the hell’s going on in this photo? Does he even have pants on?

 

 

 

 

blake-shelton-435

Star: Blake Shelton

Profession: Manure Shoveler

After all, isn’t that what his initials stand for?

 

 

 

 

 

27 Comments to “If Pop Country Stars Had To Find Other Jobs”

  • Funny shit, Trigger! Chesney could double as a jockey also, he’s a short, little shit!

       11 likes

  • One thing they could all always fall back on is prostitution. They are already skilled at that…

       19 likes

  • Ummm yeah. I’m gonna need y’all to come in on Saturday.

       4 likes

  • Excellent, Trigger. I got a good laugh out of this one.

    Though I almost feel bad for Dave Haywood in a way that I don’t quite know how to put in to words.

       3 likes

    • Exactly what I thought. I think there’s a lot going on behind that fake smile of his.

         6 likes

      • He reminds me of Kenneth from 30 Rock.

           7 likes

  • Never occured to me that Gretchen Wilson was pop country but I guess you’re right. They tried to market her as “real country” or whatever.

       3 likes

    • She was the first to be marketed as a “new Outlaw,” before Eric Church, Justin Moore and the others.

         4 likes

  • Dave Haywood. Hahahahaha!!!! That was great Trigger. I’ve actually met Dave Haywood and he’s a nice as hell guy, but definitely the ‘third wheel’ of Lady A.

    You also could have come up with something for Kristian Bush of Sugarland.

       5 likes

  • This is very funny.

    Gary LeVox?

    I didn’t know that was that guy’s name. That is really funny. He’s “the voice”?

    I think he might do well on Sesame Street.

    Thanks.

       6 likes

  • Jason Aldean is too cool to smile, even in his old baseball photos!

       4 likes

    • it’s hard to smile when you know you’ve got a confirmed appointment in Hell!

         5 likes

  • What the hell is Gary Levox doing…laying on a piano or something?

       5 likes

    • Getting ready to deep throat the microphone

         6 likes

  • this is the greatest thing i have read in months

       4 likes

  • Luke Bryan looks like he could be the pivot man in a circle jerk.

       7 likes

  • What about the two long hairs in The Band Perry?

       2 likes

    • Extras in the next Hobbit movie.

         16 likes

  • Poor Joe Diffie… I don’t think he deserves to be lumped in with this kind of company, recent poor decisions notwithstanding.

       5 likes

  • I didn’t think Gretchen Wilson is as pop country as the others. She seems to be a real redneck though there were some pop/rock elements in some of her songs.

    Here are a few other suggestions if some other pop country stars had to find other jobs:
    Tim McGraw: truck salesman

    Keith Urban: marriage counselor

    Faith Hill: receptionist

    Martina McBride: social worker

    Shania Twain: Hooters girl (here’s an old photo from the late 90s: http://magazine.foxnews.com/sites/magazine.foxnews.com/files/styles/700_image/public/1999CMA.JPG)

       4 likes

  • It’s this type of nonsense that makes your website so moronic. You’re so ready to hate on “pop-country” (which half of these are not), that you try to personal judgements on people’s lives. Luke Bryan and Aldean both grew up on farms working their asses off. How about you actually get a clue before hating on people. You shame Cash and Williams with the amount of hate mongering you do on this site.

       0 likes

    • …says someone who ends their online handle with a ‘z’ .

         2 likes

      • And what can you do outside of writing hack articles?

        Star: Trigger

        Profession: Head Writer for National Inquirer

        In all seriousness, calling someone like Justin Moore pop-country is ignorance at its finest. It’s perfectly fair to call Taylor Swift or Sugarland pop country since that is their style. But just because modern country artists don’t make their songs the same exact way as Waylon Jennings or David Allan Cole doesn’t make them any less country. Music is an evolving thing and country music is no different. Is Willie Nelson not country because he does crossover songs with rap artists?

        I can’t stand rap or pop music because its shallow nonsense. But when Luke Bryan writes a country song like “Muckalee Creek Water” from his heart, there is a difference. I encourage you see it so you can stop hating on your favorite genre of music which still has many legitimate artists within it that aren’t pop nonsense.

        PS: Making fun of a handle and not addressing my argument is what we call a logical fallacy my friend. I’m sorry if having your opinions challenged is difficult for you.

           1 likes

        • Don’t give Justin Moore more credit than he deserves by characterizing him as pop country. He is many measures worse than pop country. He’s a manufactured Music Row money-making order-taking automation with absolutely no soul or free will to speak of.

          And if you think you’ve drawn any blood with your paltry comment, you don’t know that half of what I’ve been subjected to in the last half decade. You should take a play from Shooter Jennings and his toadies and go straight to death threats and extortion if you want to try and inflict pain. And even then it won’t work.

             4 likes

          • Hey you whiney prick. Quit lying to people and spreading more lies as you always have. Shooter or any of his friends never took a death threat out on you. There was a tshirt with a parody of your name and a prison shank on it. It’s a cartoony picture and the words “shanking country music” this not a song NOT written about you by Shooter Jennings classifies as even remotely a death threat. But then you call the police. Who in turn made fun of you. Then to classify Shooter’s accusation that you or one of your “friends” had his site hacked, which everyone believes happened, isn’t extortion you moron. Money and basically blackmail are involved in extortion. You are a dramatic loser who was too scared to show up at Muddy Roots this year because you’ve ruined your credibility with the artists and festival with all your drama and bullshit. Have fun living the rest of your lonely life out. Unless your narcissistic Michael Jackson Montgomery pans out.

               1 likes

          • LTE,

            The threats I was referring to had nothing to do with the T-shirts, though I tend to regard those as death threats as well, as would anyone who isn’t a hipster moron who likes to laugh at the world for not getting their inside jokes, and who has never been a victim of violence. I was actually referring to two specific emails that I received specifically threatening my life and naming my address the same day Shooter Jennings posted a comment on this site under an alias (that he later admitted to) that also named my address. Here is the comment:

            http://www.savingcountrymusic.com/song-review-shooter-jennings-the-white-trash-song#comment-448463

            “Then to classify Shooter’s accusation that you or one of your “friends” had his site hacked, which everyone believes happened…”

            You may believe this happened, but even Shooter has said he doesn’t believe it happened. And that is why his accusation is elevated to the level of blackmail, because even with Shooter recounting his statements, admitting his sources were flawed, and still to this day not one piece of evidence submitted corroborating the claims Shooter has publicly distanced from, according to you, “everyone believes happened.” In other words, the truth has no bearing here. Shooter set out to discredit SCM, and he was successful.

            The definition of blackmail is: “Involving unjustified threats to make a gain or cause loss to another unless a demand is met.”

            Shooter saying that if I did not come clean, he would bring “federal charges of the highest order” (now who is crying to the cops?). This was blackmail by definition, and your comment is proof that regardless of Shooter’s numerous recants, damaged was done to SCM, especially if “everyone believes [it] happened.”

            The reason I did not go out to Muddy Roots year is because since I spent $3000 over the last two years going out there to volunteer, and I simply didn’t have the money to do it this year.

            This is the most important thing for you and others to understand, and I can’t emphasize this enough: I don’t give a shit what you, Muddy Roots, “the artists” or anyone else thinks about me. That is not the point. My job is to take the bullets and to be honest, regardless of how popular it is in the “scene” which has become nothing more than a den of hipsters all trying to show off for each other and fit in. When I got involved with underground music, the collective will of the underground was to support worthy artists. Now it is mostly about supporting the fragile egos of a few distinct folks with self-esteem issues, and looking cool for other hipster friends. If I am admonished in that “scene,” then that simply means I’ve done my job.

            Well see where things stand in the future.

               3 likes

  • Gary has eaten too many rascals…he looks like a container for rascals. He must be resting on his laurels.

       0 likes

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